"Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him

[Anonymous]

The cure is simple, but unfortunately won't work until it is too late.

Seeing your husband with someone who loves him and that he loves the way he used to love you. Then you will feel the chemistry, and with it the regret and the sorrow at how foolish you were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And please stop saying therapy. That will not help. If we go to couples counseling and all of this comes out, I do not see how that will improve the situation. It will just crush him and end our marriage.

FFS- these aren't mutually exclusive. Your marriage sucks, you don't love your husband, you've NEVER loved your husband, but you don't want to end it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're passive and entitled.

passive in that you let others convince you to marry this guy

entitled in that you think that in addition to everything else your husband brings to the table, he should miraculously figure out how to have sex with you in the way you want--without you even communicating it.

what do YOU bring to the table?

finally, I think you're existing way too much in your head--your having sex imagining someone else, thinking about what he's not doing, rather than engaging with him. and I know, because I've been there, and it started to get bad, to where I was incredibly self conscious about not being 'attracted' during sex, about how inadequate my husband was in XYZ department. But Irealized that was death for our marriage and I spent a lot of time thinking about what a great guy he is (and he's not anywhere near perfect on paper, like your husband). and I made a real effort to connect outside of the bedroom; talking, really talking and spending time together and asking him questions, and listening, and just connecting in ways that its really ahrd to do when you work and have young kids. and that has just changed the tenor of things. And I was also more explicit about what I liked in the bedroom and its getting there. Is it like the mind blowing sex I used to have? No, but none of those relationships lasted. In some ways, the more unstable the relationship, the better the sex. But that's not what you want when you've got kids and a whole life with someone.


Two thought experiments:

1) imagine that your husband became disinterested and imagine that he's starting to be interested in someone else. Someone hot, young, pretty at work. Someone who is interested in him.
how does that make you feel?

2) imagine you just found out you have cancer. do you want your husband by your side?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The cure is simple, but unfortunately won't work until it is too late.

Seeing your husband with someone who loves him and that he loves the way he used to love you. Then you will feel the chemistry, and with it the regret and the sorrow at how foolish you were.

+1
OP will then finally become the pursuer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The cure is simple, but unfortunately won't work until it is too late.

Seeing your husband with someone who loves him and that he loves the way he used to love you. Then you will feel the chemistry, and with it the regret and the sorrow at how foolish you were.

I kind of hope OP does leave so this will happen for him. If not for the kids, it would be the perfect solution.

[Anonymous]

First you never should have married him if you had to be convinced of the relationship by your mother and best friend. But he sounds like a great guy and you built a full life with him. Divorcing him just because of sex is very shortsighted, IMO. It would be very hard on your children and there is no guarantee you will find someone better. My husband and I had the best sex I've ever had before we were married, but it definitely got kinda boring afterwards. Now that we have a baby we barely do it at all. But we love each other fully and completely and I couldn't live without him.

So even if you find someone that you have great chemistry with, chances are very high that it will fade at some point anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:
Well since you asked. I have tried that. We have tried that. But it didn't really work. I want rough sex. I want a confident, sexy man to push me around a little bit. I want it to be a little risky and daring. I want to be thrown off guard. I want to be *into* it, you know? The kind of sex we have is so predictable and mechanical and way too sweet. He is always trying to kiss me during which I hate. I don't know how to articulate this but it's like he is way too polite and PC to do what I want. It was such an awkward failure.

Now do you see what I mean??

You said he can sense something is wrong. If you tell him, again at a therapist's office where it can be in a safe neutral place, that this is what you want, but you know he find's it uncomfortable, then you two could probably work it out from there. He's not comfortable with what you want, but maybe he'd be willing to try harder too (and you do too) if he thinks it will make you happier with your sex life.

Have you had this kind of "rougher" sex previously, or is this some fantasy? I have had these kinds of fantasy, too, but I think reality is much different, and I know that if it really happened I wouldn't like it.

Yes I am thinking of someone in particular from my past. He was my last SO before I met my husband. He didn't want to get married though and still isn't.

so he didn't want to marry you when you were 33 but he will marry you when you are 40+ with 2 kids? good luck with that.

It's not him specifically. I don't think we will get back together. We're barely even in contact anymore. But I want someone like him. Just less disfunctional and angry at the world.

LOL
what makes you think such guy exist and wants to be with you? why didn't you find "someone like him just less dysfunctional" when you were 30?

+1

I am married to a smart, 'kind of boring' smart successful man too. We were friends though (while I dated the whole planet in college) for 5 years before I even said yes to dating him.
Then, I did find that I loved him and we pretty much got married soon after.

Sometimes I was not sure that he loved or does love me. It has literally taken me all of these 25 years to really have some clue of his inner workings. Smart and successful
and boring do not mean uncomplicated. He seems uncomplicated because he's not very chatty and he's pretty easy going and he's nice - but he is not uncomplicated.
I was kind of a smart gal too, but more of a book smart and capable smart than an emotionally smart? You sound the opposite. It might be harder for you to understand.

It sounds like for you life has not 'hit the fan' yet. It will. Give it some time. You might find that you are the one who desperately wants him not to leave you in time.

I have found that my husband, though he is quiet and easy going, actually withholds affection when he doesn't like something. Yes, he continues to do the housework
and play with the kids and he comes home every day, but he's kind of ... tuned out on the love side. There is no connection when he is not happy. It is hard to even
notice that he is not happy because he would not TELL ME that. Of course that is wrong and crazy and difficult (and the next chickie who would sign up would get the
same thing) , but it took me a long time to figure that out. Have you tried getting to know him better? Find what really he is thinking and feeling? What makes him
happy and what makes him upset? How his life is going? That can be hard to do with such a man, but I would recommend it. I am
still amazed now when my husband comes up to me and tells me things that he thinks and feels, and what he wants. It's really weird that it took 20 years to tease that out,
but it is nice - and it does bring out the connection. I guess it makes him happy. It makes me happy too to finally have a communicating man (it really was like pulling teeth
to get to this stage). Do you have a communicating man or do you have a man that just is walking through life, meeting his obligations?

My 'smart' husband has so much to do and so little time to fit in all in with helping with the housework and being a great father, he does not often take time for
many social extras for himself - socializing at work, activities/hobbies for himself, etc. This is really selfless if you think about it. He really is busting his ass for you
and your family is the right way to think about it though. You are the one person that he does make time for? That is impressive. It doesn't seem like he has great desire for you - but
if you compare it to how he lives the rest of his life, you might see that it does?

For the sex thing, I have heard this from some of my friends who are more your age (I'm 13 years older than you). For me at my age - hey, I'm just glad I get some
good stuff some time (i am not complicated). You are probably wanting him to be pursuing you. You want him to want you crazily to feel needed, desired and provided for.
Have you tried the vulnerable thing? If you get back to the part about life hitting the fan - our lives are crazy and have hit the crapper plenty and there is definitely
some neediness on my part sometimes (shocking as I'm a tough, capable gal) and I have found that that brings out the passion in the guy. Huh! You might try that
one - even if it's role playing. Or, if it's not - go out and get more of a life for yourself and try that out. Just go and do some interesting things (not having an affair!),
go about your more interesting life and see how that works out? I would guess it would be a big plus.

Want an idea for something to produce a lot of emotions in you? Foster a damned dog. I don't care what they say about it being a 'great experience'. It's a
great experience, but it's crazy and you might find yourself sobbing for a week after passing off the pooch that just ate all of your garden & grandma's dining
room chair and peed in your car. Sometimes you have to find your emotions in other parts of your life.

You will find your lives more interesting when your kids hit the teen years too. My 'quiet' husband did not produce 'quiet' children and they are really giving us a run for the
money. I make sure he gets plenty of personal time with them (flee! Don't over protect the kids - get the heck out and leave them with him as much as you can) and
my 'quiet' husband gets so frustrated sometimes I find that I have an extra teen in the house at times. That has been entertaining (shhh). Also, as he is not the
best with the teens and needs a translator, I would not have missed that for the world for both parties sakes (teens and dad). It's freaking funny and my status definitely
goes up after 'teen time' (we are more of a team). Having the teens has brought out more in his personality and what he shares with me for sure.

Having a lot of friends (and not just to bitch about the husband. I'd stop that - especially with relations as it could get back to him? Men do not like that) helps too. When
my friends do talk about their relationships sometimes I am shocked at how truly messed up their lives are compared to mine and my relationship (and some of their divorces have been just
absolutely 100% awful).

Friends and outside activities of your own... And, above all - be kind to him.

[Anonymous]

The misuse of the word entitled is more annoying than anything else.

[Anonymous]

All these responses from OP make me wonder if she's really just asking for permission to cheat.

Everything people suggest, she shoots down. Talking honestly and maturely with her husband will "crush" him. So that's why you hire a therapist to mediate and facilitate dealing with difficult issues. But no, therapy or using counselors is out, says the OP. Talking explicitly and negotiating about sex is out, according to the OP, even though that's what most of us with hot sex lives do to get what we need from our long-term partners.

She just wants what she wants, which is no-words, rough sex with an angry, dysfunctional type. In real life, this kind of guy is just good for that one thing and a nightmare to live a life with. So, how to get it with the good guy she has?

You have to move past "I want what I want!" That will leave you stuck in selfish brat mode, and that makes people do foolish things.

What you want is not compatible with what you have. Your husband is probably a caretaker type, a little codependent. And you are what you are. And you don't even know what that is, exactly, or what to do to meet your needs. It's not your husband's job to read your mind or appease you. At the very least, have the guts to tell him it's YOU, not HIM. That you've come to realize that your sexual style is <insert a very clear, frank description to him here>, and his is very nice and all, but unless the two of you mix it up and try some new things that meet your needs better, neither of you will be happy and satisfied. People here have described how they alternate doing things their way vs their spouse's way. To get to that, you have to be really frank with your partner, but it's worth it. You also have to talk with care for their feelings and their ego. Tell each other your fantasies. Make a deal to take turns acting them out. Who knows? If he doesn't do too well the first go around, try it another time until he gets the idea of what you're looking for. You have nothing to lose by trying that.

[Anonymous]

Bottom line is OP knew she didn't love her DH before she got married and before she had kids. Her click was ticking, and she did what she felt she had to do. It's sad for her DH because he was duped, but perhaps he k ew on some level and that is why OP doesn't wuite respect him. Maybe if he told her off and kicked her out she'd feel differently.

[Anonymous]

OP - you keep saying therapy won't work, it didn't work before because the therapist kept asking you "why do you feel that way.." blah blah.

seems to me you just want a therapist to tell you that it's ok to divorce him, your happiness is important too, etc... you want someone to validate that it's ok to leave him over this issue.

What you don't want to hear is that there is no such thing as a perfect husband, kids, marriage, etc... to get your head out of your ass, put your big girl panties on, and accept that life is not perfect.

Also, you said that you had an ex BF whom you did have chemistry with, and was a take-charge, rough in bed kind of guy, but also was angry at the world. You want that rough part, but not the anger. You see, it's hard, if not impossible, to find that exact combo you want. It's like trying to find the perfect house when you're house hunting. It's impossible to find everything you want. You get the best of what you can and work with what you have.

Maybe try to find a sex therapist to help you figure out ways you can approach your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just read my own post. You know what the problem is? I don't feel chemistry with him. I never have. We don't click in that way. People need that in their lives, don't they? It's not a minor issue?

Honestly, I'm not someone who is anti-divorce, who believes in saving the marriage at any cost, but I think that kids need financial and emotional stability far more than adults need chemistry. Especially adults who chose this situation. I think that choosing divorce in this situation would be cruel and selfish.

I'll also say that if you divorce in this situation, you'd be lucky to get 50% custody. I can't imagine giving up 50% of my time with my kids in home that I'd have a successful dating life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just read my own post. You know what the problem is? I don't feel chemistry with him. I never have. We don't click in that way. People need that in their lives, don't they? It's not a minor issue?

Honestly, I'm not someone who is anti-divorce, who believes in saving the marriage at any cost, but I think that kids need financial and emotional stability far more than adults need chemistry. Especially adults who chose this situation. I think that choosing divorce in this situation would be cruel and selfish.

I'll also say that if you divorce in this situation, you'd be lucky to get 50% custody. I can't imagine giving up 50% of my time with my kids in home that I'd have a successful dating life.

I do not know ONE SINGLE divorced woman who does NOT have more than 50% custody. Furthermore, I know a woman who left her DH for the same reasons OP states. Poor guy got thrown out of his house and is now an every other weekend and Wednesday night dad. He fought hard for 50%, but didn't get it because of historically the mom (though she worked) was the primary parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wwyd?

First his good points. My husband is kind, intelligent, thoughtful, caring, good looking, and a great father. He's a physician who works long hours and is passionate about his patients and practice area but still helps out 50/50 when he is home. I wouldn't say he's funny exactly but he has a sense of humor and can laugh at other people's jokes and life's little absurdities, which I appreciate. He's a runner who keeps himself fit. I notice other women checking him out occasionally. I LOVE his family, especially his mother and sister. They were a big part of his appeal when we were dating.

But. I'm not in love with him. I never was. I knew this at the time that we got engaged but I let my mom and closest friend talk me into marrying him with the idea that I was just nervous and scared of the commitment and that love could eventually grow. I was 33 at the time. I do care about him a great deal. But my heart doesn't jump when he walks into a room. I don't want him to throw me down on the bed and screw my brains out (or maybe that is the problem: I do want him to do that, or someone anyway, but the thought horrifies him). I don't get butterflies with him and never have. It's getting to the point where I physically recoil from him. My skin actually flinches on the inside. I think he suspects something is up because he's acting like kicked puppy and I feel bad but that just makes it worse. I want him to scream at me and curse me not just take my abuse. I tried to explain that but he didn't get it. We have two children and I'm 39. I've talked to my mom and BFF about this and they both think divorcing him would be a huge mistake. I work and make significantly less which is one thing but they also feel that the dating pool is shallow for 40 something women with children. Do you think that is just a sexist stereotype?

The thing is, the thing that I keep coming back to, is: shouldn't I be head over heels for my husband? I have felt that way before in the past so I know what it feels like. I know people say the crazy burning love feeling eventually passes. But shouldn't it have been there at one point? Then at least I would have my memories. I am too young to feel this resigned and dead inside.

The thought of what? Of screwing your brains out? Or of someone else screwing your brain out? Sorry, I honestly don't understand this part.

If it's the former, you need a sex therapist.

When push comes to shove, tho, you should have listened to your guts and the people who talked you into not doing so were wrong, wrong, wrong.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't matter if she gets custody or not. If she gets a divorce, she is an evil and disgusting human being. She should put her kids first. They deserve to be raised by an intact family, and they deserve their father even if their ungrateful mother does not deserve him.