Reply to "Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him

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Reply to ""Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him"

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[quote=Anonymous]Oh my goodness -- totally FELT exactly the way you did when I was married for 6 years -- it's the young kids thing -- they wear & tear on you as a human being, but you don't blame them -- you blame the person you married.  THAT is why there is a "thing" called the 7-year itch (6-year itch is the same thing).  Now, having been married for 10 years and kind-of stuck thru the slump in the marriage (NOT by choice, but by default since I was too tired, too busy, and too hesitant to get out), I'm in love with my husband.

I remember walking down the aisle and actively thinking, "I can get a divorce" -- it was the only thing that got me through the ceremony, but now, in retrospect, it's because I am a COMMITMENT phobe and would have felt like that with anyone. The real reason I had kids with this person (marriage is overrated, but KIDS is the real committment) is because I knew he would be the greatest dad in the universe for our future children, and he is.

Here is the solution (or at least what worked for me).  GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.  Get a babysitter and go see your friends, take tango lessons, take Spanish lessons, and do it GUILT free (after all you got a sitter for $10/hour from urbansitters.com) so he can go out too.   Do NOT go out with him.  This is about finding yourself.

For a while, I went out every single night -- literally 7 nights a week.  Here's how I justified it (we had no money).  I paid $30/night for a sitter (I had the sitter work from 7-10 to put the kids to bed and then he could be home or I'd be home).  That saved $300/visit in therapy or $3000/visit in divorce lawyer.   I slept on the sofa sometimes.  I needed space.

Then, guess what?  I realized that I missed the kids, so I started coming home more often.  And, then, I realized that my husband was a kick-butt dad for taking care of the kids and me when I went totally mid-life crises craziness.

And, then I realized that I'm a damn lucky woman.  And, now years later, I guess I am in love with him (whatever that means).  I'm not sure that love is all that it's cracked up to be but stable house for my kids really is.  Kids are kicking butt in school, and I know having mom and dad at home (such a conservative stereotype, but true) is the reason.

Chemistry is overrated. I also used to have love, but I didn't marry those men because I knew they'd be deadbeat dads, and the back of my head, I knew the difference (and my mom and my sister knew, too).  Great dad -- dad to your kids -- is what it is about.[/quote]

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