"Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him

[Anonymous]

Op it sounds to me like you feel alone because you do not have a connection with your spouse.

While you might think of it as chemistry, it may also be chalked up to not having any kind of emotional closeness to him. If he is not listening to you when you need to talk, or not willing to just have conversations about anything and nothing, then I can see why you feel this way. Its like living with a roommate. While you can get some of that from girlfriends (emotional connection) its just not the same as getting it from your spouse.

I know for me personally, my husband is not very good at this. I have to initiate practically every conversation. It makes me feel like he has zero interest in me. I know he cares, but he doesn't know how to show it through words and I NEED that.

He doesn't seem to understand that in order for me to feel attraction, interest in sex etc...that I need that emotional connection. I can't just have sex to have sex (my libido is not strong enough). I need to have meaningful conversations to feel close. He shuts me out a lot and anytime I want to talk about anything that isn't roses and sunshine, I'm ruining our dinner, or ruining that evening, or ruining that day. Its fucking exhausting. I feel like I can't talk to him about anything sometimes. If I want to discuss something that I'm concerned about with our son, he seems to just get overwhelmed, stressed out and looks like he's ready to explode. Clearly he has massive communication problems (i digress, that is about my husband not yours)

I imagine that this might be contributing to your lack of chemistry or feelings for your husband. Now, to be fair - I was initially attracted to my husband at the beginning, and these days sometimes I am, sometimes not. But it was never anything hot and heavy. I did not have that "wow" factor of attraction that I've had with some other men. I do often wonder if I blew it by not holding out for that-but I kind of thought that was a pipe dream.

Ironically, I was about the same age as you when I got married (32, almost 33). I will admit I think I was more interested in getting married and having kids than thinking this was "the one"...but I made my choice and I'm trying to make the best of it. I will say it makes me want to throw up when I read all these posts on here that say things like "still married 17 later and as in love as the first day!!! My spouse is perfect! We have amazing sex and he cooks and cleans, changes diapers, treats me like a queen and makes over 500K!!! Really?? I don't think that scenario exists very often in real life. So you need to stop thinking that if you divorce your husband you'll suddenly find the love of your life and live happily ever after. Its more likely you just be a single mom, miserable and maybe more alone than before. Not too many men out there are looking for a 40+ woman with 2 kids.

I don't think you should throw this away. From what you've written your husband sounds like a really good man. However its not fair to him if you aren't being honest with how you feel and just ignoring him all the time. Pretty soon I would imagine he is going to look elsewhere. You say you think he would rate you marriage an 8, but have you ever really asked him? If you are ignoring him, or treating him like dirt, then sooner or later he is the one who is going to dump you...because well, he sounds like a catch.

I think you should tell your husband that you feel lonely and disconnected that you would like to try couples therapy. That seems like the only way you'll get him to open up and listen to you, instead of just trying to solve your problems. Maybe he has some things he'd like to get off his chest too...but because he doesn't like to talk, or show emotion, he just doesn't and keeps it all inside.

Individual therapy might help a bit, but it sounds too me like there is a lack of meaningful communication between the two of you -and if that improved, then maybe you would start to feel closer to him, and get divorce out of your mind.

[Anonymous]

^ I think a lot of this is a mid-life crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O.p here again. I've been thinking about this more and my feeling of disconnection from him is not simply related to the sex, though that is the most glaringly obvious. The other thing about him is that he is not introspective. He's very much a "doer." If I want to vent to him about work or family or friends, he doesn't seem to get that I just want to pour my feelings out without him trying to "fix" it. He doesn't like to discuss his emotions or his opinions on social issues. He thinks it's boring navel gazing. He hates web sites like slate or salon or opinion pieces. He doesn't like to gossip (which, I know people usually don't admit to enjoying that but I do, especially after a party). He doesn't like to "speculate" which is what he calls my attempts to discuss what might happen to people we know, etc. He doesn't drink. He's not very complicated. He does his job, comes home and wants to eat dinner/futz about in the garden/play with the kids. And this is what makes him completely happy! I guarantee you if you asked him to rate our marriage 1-10 he'd say 8 +.

i am sure your dream rough sex guy will be doing these with gusto...

OP you sound like you have WAY to much time on your hands. i am your age, with career, kids and DCUM i barely have any time to reflect on my DH.

It's a slow period at work for me right now.

[Anonymous]

Just another reason to never get married, boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just another reason to never get married, boys.

yup leave the old hags and let their eggs dry out and die so they can't reproduce and continue the cycle

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in the same situation as you are. I totally get how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O.p here again. I've been thinking about this more and my feeling of disconnection from him is not simply related to the sex, though that is the most glaringly obvious. The other thing about him is that he is not introspective. He's very much a "doer." If I want to vent to him about work or family or friends, he doesn't seem to get that I just want to pour my feelings out without him trying to "fix" it. He doesn't like to discuss his emotions or his opinions on social issues. He thinks it's boring navel gazing. He hates web sites like slate or salon or opinion pieces. He doesn't like to gossip (which, I know people usually don't admit to enjoying that but I do, especially after a party). He doesn't like to "speculate" which is what he calls my attempts to discuss what might happen to people we know, etc. He doesn't drink. He's not very complicated. He does his job, comes home and wants to eat dinner/futz about in the garden/play with the kids. And this is what makes him completely happy! I guarantee you if you asked him to rate our marriage 1-10 he'd say 8 +.

i am sure your dream rough sex guy will be doing these with gusto...

OP you sound like you have WAY to much time on your hands. i am your age, with career, kids and DCUM i barely have any time to reflect on my DH.

It's a slow period at work for me right now.

why don't you focus on your job, career? can you improve that?

a lot of excitement in my life comes from work (your husband is probably similar) so the last thing i need is some high drama with my DH - pursuing him etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the same situation as you are. I totally get how you feel.

There are a number of us who have expressed this sentiment and tried to offer some advice, but for some reason OP doesn't acknowledge that and instead just wants to vent but does not want any real advice from throws of us who have btdt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the same situation as you are. I totally get how you feel.

+1. I think part of the issue is that you don't realize how long life will be. I ignored some seemingly small things that bugged me, thinking that I would eventually get used to them and that they wouldn't bother me any more, but instead over the years they have grated on me more and some are now almost unbearable. Hope this can help someone else trying to make a decision now. Don't ignore how you feel about small things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe that it's easier for OP to ask for a divorce than to say to him "please don't kiss me until I cum".
Maybe he's as sexually frustrated as you are seeing that there are two sexually passive people in this marital bed.

Ok, first, the language is gross and insulting. But that was just an example to give you some idea. That's not the specific problem. It's much larger than that. I don't *want* to have sex with him. That's it in a nutshell. I'm sure he thinks I have a very low libido, which is a laugh. He's alluded to that in the past.

This is gross and insulting? What? Are you 12? That's what you want, you said that over and over. Why can't you ask him that? How on earth are you going to ask him for rough sex if you think that's gross?


You're really a mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe that it's easier for OP to ask for a divorce than to say to him "please don't kiss me until I cum".
Maybe he's as sexually frustrated as you are seeing that there are two sexually passive people in this marital bed.

Ok, first, the language is gross and insulting. But that was just an example to give you some idea. That's not the specific problem. It's much larger than that. I don't *want* to have sex with him. That's it in a nutshell. I'm sure he thinks I have a very low libido, which is a laugh. He's alluded to that in the past.

This is gross and insulting? What? Are you 12? That's what you want, you said that over and over. Why can't you ask him that? How on earth are you going to ask him for rough sex if you think that's gross?


You're really a mess.

LOL
i noticed the same thing - she wants it fought, it's what she is ready to break her marriage for, but merely saying "cum" is gross.

[Anonymous]

Please get personal therapy and counseling. Don't throw your relatively comfortable life away for guaranteed misery.

People, quit telling her to divorce an decent DH when she has 2 small children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're passive and entitled.

passive in that you let others convince you to marry this guy

entitled in that you think that in addition to everything else your husband brings to the table, he should miraculously figure out how to have sex with you in the way you want--without you even communicating it.

what do YOU bring to the table?

finally, I think you're existing way too much in your head--your having sex imagining someone else, thinking about what he's not doing, rather than engaging with him. and I know, because I've been there, and it started to get bad, to where I was incredibly self conscious about not being 'attracted' during sex, about how inadequate my husband was in XYZ department. But Irealized that was death for our marriage and I spent a lot of time thinking about what a great guy he is (and he's not anywhere near perfect on paper, like your husband). and I made a real effort to connect outside of the bedroom; talking, really talking and spending time together and asking him questions, and listening, and just connecting in ways that its really ahrd to do when you work and have young kids. and that has just changed the tenor of things. And I was also more explicit about what I liked in the bedroom and its getting there. Is it like the mind blowing sex I used to have? No, but none of those relationships lasted. In some ways, the more unstable the relationship, the better the sex. But that's not what you want when you've got kids and a whole life with someone.


Two thought experiments:

1) imagine that your husband became disinterested and imagine that he's starting to be interested in someone else. Someone hot, young, pretty at work. Someone who is interested in him.
how does that make you feel?

2) imagine you just found out you have cancer. do you want your husband by your side?

Passive and entitled. That's honestly the perfect description.

[Anonymous]

OP, I read your responses and I get your situation. You mentioned you think about your ex boyfriend or sexual partner who is single and with whom you used to have sex the way you like it. DCUM is not going to tell you to go ahead reach out to him and see where it leads. You are not going to receive encouragement to seek the satisfaction of your sexual or emotional needs and desires outside of your marriage. Emotional needs btw can be satisfied by your girlfriends. Is it what you are looking for? You seem to be frustrated with any other advice offered. Do you know deep in your heart the solution?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes you can't appreciate what you have until it's gone.