Is a cheated-on spouse better off knowing or not knowing?

[Anonymous]

I'm launching this thread hoping for a thoughtful discussion, not dismissive or judgmental remarks about other people's big mistakes in life. This discussion comes up in various threads on cheating - some people think it's better for the spouse to know, and some people say the spouse probably already does know and is making the choice to stay, and some people say it's not the place of the cheater-with-regrets to inform the spouse that she's married to a cheater. I find all of those comments spectacularly unhelpful and would hope someone would not make the big decision to inform a wife of her cheating husband based on some throw-away remarks on an anonymous forum. But I would still like to consider, in a less venomous way, what is in a spouse's best interests.

In my past I briefly cheated and made the decision to end it and come clean to my husband. Our marriage nearly collapsed but did endure; most of the shock waves settled down within a year though I'm sure there will always be some issues. You can't just wave a magic wand and make big mistakes go away.

But at the time, when I was receiving counseling during and after the crisis, my counselor scolded me soundly for telling my husband. She said it was my cross to bear, that telling him was just meant to ease my own conscience but it transferred a big burden on to him, that if I were genuinely concerned about him I should have protected my marriage in the first place, and since I didn't, I shouldn't have made things worse by telling him something that would rock our marriage and his ego. I should have made things better by living a better life, not trying to hope that coming clean would erase some of the damage.

And yet my husband, distressed as he was, said he definitely preferred to know than never to have known. And I didn't see how I could go on for the rest of our lives keeping a big secret; to me, that would be continuing a deception and worsening the damage, whether or not he would ever find out.

I still don't know. And I still sometimes think about it in relation to the wife of the man I cheated with. I sometimes wonder if she would be better off knowing she's married to a cheater and if I should tell her, or just mind my own business and do no further harm to that marriage than I've already done. I seriously don't think I would ever tell her, because I really want the past to remain in the past for my own sake. I know the guy has been with other people before me and was looking for other women after me. But it's not my problem any more. As I see it, the best thing I can do is just move on and try to live a good life. Maybe the occasional thought about contacting her is just my conscience rearing its ugly head again and wanting to find more peace, and I have to realize I can only find peace within myself, not by making things uglier around me.

I would appreciate reflections from others who have been in a similar situation, either as one cheated on or one who cheated in the past and regrets it.

[Anonymous]

DH here. If I were cheated on, I'd want to know. If my DW covered it up, I would feel as if I were living a lie. I *might* be able to forgive her if she confessed; if she covered it up and I somehow found out on my own, our marriage would be over.

Of course, if I were cheating on her, I wouldn't want to tell. I think that the "don't tell" view are people wanting to rationalize their own fear of confessing or their desire to have their cake and eat it too.

[Anonymous]

I agree with your counselor. From a practical point of view, you never tell unless some reason forces you to (like you discover you contracted an STD). This isn't about my conscience. If I don't know something I have no reason to take action. Once I know, I will never get it out of my head. When I am 80 I'll probably be thinking about it. There is no way that normal can be restored even if you're forgiven. I was cheated on by my first wife. No thought required, I divorced her. The harm has been done. Don't go breaking up other marriages by telling his wife that you banged her husband. Something about a lot of women needing to confess such crap. In this area, take a cue from men- take it to the grave.

[Anonymous]

I hope this does become a thoughtful discussion as I'm interested in it too. I was cheated on early this summer and my husband told me as soon as I returned from the business trip at which he cheated. I suspect he would not have told me if it had involved someone I didn't know. As it was, she had told him that she would tell me if he didn't and she did end up contacting me the day after he told me. Obviously in this situation, I'm happier that he told me first. But I'm trying to think about if it had been someone random - would I have wanted him to tell me? I think I would have, yes. Mainly because if he hadn't told me, I don't think anything in our relationship would have changed and I suspect he would have kept traveling for work once a month (that is cut off now at his suggestion) and he probably would have kept having one night stands because at that point, why not? As it was, he told me and we have worked on our relationship to the point where it is much stronger than ever.

That said, I still don't know whether I will be staying with him. He begged me to give him a year to prove to me that he wants to be married and how much he sincerely regrets this mistake. We're five months in and he has been wonderful, truly wonderful. But it was so unexpected and it was the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life and at this point I can't imagine ever trusting him again. He swears nothing like this ever happened before and I have no reason to believe it did but I'll always wonder. But we'll see.

Anyway, in summary, I would absolutely want him to tell me for many reasons - STDs being the main one, someone else knowing without me knowing would be second, the possibility of my finding out in the future would be third (he didn't tell me for a week after it happened and thinking back to our interactions that week was devestating, I can't imagine thinking back over months or years of interactions). Finally, the chance to stop the behavior and work on creating a stronger relationship would be important. I do believe that most people cheat due to some personal or relationship-related issue and I can't imagine any way that wouldn't just continue if you just sweep an affair under the rug.

[Anonymous]

I have seriously thought my husband was cheating on me. Shortly after we had our first child, I found out he was seeing other women while we were engaged. He denies doing anything intimate, but the trust was broken. A few years later, there were a couple numbers on his phone that he texted all the time, and that he lied about when I asked who it was.

That said, he's had no contact with those 2 women since I confronted him on it. I've had to work very hard to trust him again.

Would I want to know? Yes. Why? To validate my suspicions, to know that I wasn't "crazy" and some irrational jealous wife.

However, if I was not suspicious, and he ended the affairs, vowed in his own mind to focus on his marriage, was STD-free, it would be better for our marriage for me not to know.

I don't know about a serial cheater and the need to inform the spouse. I would be tempted to tell her. He is risking her life.

[Anonymous]

I would want to know. He would be dead to me if he cheated. I could never forgive him. He feels the same. So, in our situation knowing would = leaving. I think the reason we have been happily married so long is that we discussed this in pre-marital counseling. We both looked each other in the eye and said how we would feel if the other cheated. We were brutally honest. We went into our marriage knowing it would be the absolute end if we cheated. So to answer your question, If my husband cheated on me, it would be better not to let me know, because I would leave him immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know. He would be dead to me if he cheated. I could never forgive him. He feels the same. So, in our situation knowing would = leaving. I think the reason we have been happily married so long is that we discussed this in pre-marital counseling. We both looked each other in the eye and said how we would feel if the other cheated. We were brutally honest. We went into our marriage knowing it would be the absolute end if we cheated. So to answer your question, If my husband cheated on me, it would be better not to let me know, because I would leave him immediately.

I'm 15:18 and these kind of posts always really bother me. I'm sorry to sound judge-y, but this is a very black and white naive point of view to me. Six months ago, I could have written your post. My husband and I also looked each other in the eye and said to each other that we would leave immediately if we were cheated on. I remember saying this no fewer than three times in our relationship directly to him. "I will leave you immediately if you cheat on me." I guess I thought that provided me security; that if he was ever in a situation where he would consider cheating, that he would immediately remember and snap back out of his cheating fog and say "no, no - she said she would leave me, I can't do this." Obviously, it may very well work for you and you may never cheat on eachother. I didn't think we would either. And I knew for absolute certain that I would leave, no questions asked.

So six years into marriage, combined finances, two houses and two mortgages, two preschoolers, a life and identity built as a couple, and some (to me) very run-of-the-mill two young kids two parents working full-time issues, he accidentally (and I say that meaning that he did not intend or seek out a cheating scenario) cheated. Even though he had said he would leave me immediately if I had cheated and even though I had told him that I would leave him immediately. It happened. And he told me and he begged me to stay. And like I said, he has truly truly been wonderful - made a great turn around and been committed to the marriage and to our family. So I promised him I would try for a year, and that's what I'm doing now. And like I said, I still don't know whether I will be staying. But I think it would have been very naive and stupid of me to just walk out in this scenario and subject myself and my children to the devestation of divorce.

You absolutely never know how you will act until it happens to you. And you cannot judge anyone else's decisions based on what little you know about their situation. Please remember that in this discussion.

[Anonymous]

15:38 - I agree. I have previously told my husband if he cheats its over, but deep down I know it's not that black and white. Of course, I'm not telling him that. lol

[Anonymous]

Also agree with the 15:38 poster. Life is just so complicated and you just never know what you will do until something happens to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know. He would be dead to me if he cheated. I could never forgive him. He feels the same. So, in our situation knowing would = leaving. I think the reason we have been happily married so long is that we discussed this in pre-marital counseling. We both looked each other in the eye and said how we would feel if the other cheated. We were brutally honest. We went into our marriage knowing it would be the absolute end if we cheated. So to answer your question, If my husband cheated on me, it would be better not to let me know, because I would leave him immediately.

I'm 15:18 and these kind of posts always really bother me. I'm sorry to sound judge-y, but this is a very black and white naive point of view to me. Six months ago, I could have written your post. My husband and I also looked each other in the eye and said to each other that we would leave immediately if we were cheated on. I remember saying this no fewer than three times in our relationship directly to him. "I will leave you immediately if you cheat on me." I guess I thought that provided me security; that if he was ever in a situation where he would consider cheating, that he would immediately remember and snap back out of his cheating fog and say "no, no - she said she would leave me, I can't do this." Obviously, it may very well work for you and you may never cheat on eachother. I didn't think we would either. And I knew for absolute certain that I would leave, no questions asked.

So six years into marriage, combined finances, two houses and two mortgages, two preschoolers, a life and identity built as a couple, and some (to me) very run-of-the-mill two young kids two parents working full-time issues, he accidentally (and I say that meaning that he did not intend or seek out a cheating scenario) cheated. Even though he had said he would leave me immediately if I had cheated and even though I had told him that I would leave him immediately. It happened. And he told me and he begged me to stay. And like I said, he has truly truly been wonderful - made a great turn around and been committed to the marriage and to our family. So I promised him I would try for a year, and that's what I'm doing now. And like I said, I still don't know whether I will be staying. But I think it would have been very naive and stupid of me to just walk out in this scenario and subject myself and my children to the devestation of divorce.

You absolutely never know how you will act until it happens to you. And you cannot judge anyone else's decisions based on what little you know about their situation. Please remember that in this discussion.

14:46 here, and I agree with you, I just think it should be the cheated-on spouse's call.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate others' reflections, but, really, practically speaking, how do you keep something as huge as this from your spouse? This is something that leaks out in a thousand different ways, and they usually don't mean greater kindness to the spouse. That's what the phrase "blame the victim" is all about. That guilt is just a massive unacknowledged wound in the relationship that will fester until it's addressed and resolved one way or the other.

Learning that I'd been cheated on was horrible, horrible, but I'm glad he told me because it explained the things that were going on between us. And we were able to resolve things afterwards. We wouldn't have been able to do that if he hadn't told me.

[Anonymous]

My ex-husband cheated for years. I always suspected and I eventually discovered what he was up to three different times. And yes, it took three strikes for me to finally admit to myself that it wasn't ever going to stop.

I wonder if things would have been different if he had ever come clean on his own. I honestly don't know. I think we would have still ended up divorced, but had he been honest with me, admitted that he was cheating, and had the guts to tell me he wanted out, I think I would respect him more as a person. Instead, because I did the digging and the discovery and because I finally ended it, I feel like he took the coward's way out.

[Anonymous]

I suppose you would have to ask my husband, but he would have to know to answer the question, which he doesn't. My lapse was a one-time thing with an old college flame during a very troubled period of my marriage. It seemed as though things were irretrievably broken. In fact, many on DCUM advised me to leave DH when I posted about some of our issues, which I was planning to do. I met with the divorce lawyer, had the strategy all mapped out, and was biding my time so as to have the least impact on the kids. I don't know whether he was cheating on me; he easily could have been and I would not have known. He was the enemy. We barely spoke except to fight.

A funny thing happened on the way to divorce court, though. Once I stopped caring and stopped fighting, and instead told him how it was going to be (because I no longer had anything to risk), we slowly found our way back from the abyss. I think I would rather leave the page on that chapter turned rather than tell him and to hear what (if anything) he has to tell me. In many ways, I feel like those people were not us.

If he left me now because he was cheating now (he travels a lot for work, so he could, but he is not), it would break my heart. Back then, I would have been glad for yet another reason to kick him to the curb.

[Anonymous]

to 15:18/15:38, I hope things work out with you guys. i remember your earlier posts. I also can only begin to imagine the pain and the lingering feelings of anger, mistrust, etc, that you continue to go through, probably at very unexpected moment.

but, there's one thing that has changed--your DH came very, very close to losing you immediately (and knows he's not out of the water) and has probably realized just how much he doesn't want that to happen in a deeply visceral way which could very well make for a much better, more attentive, more in tune husband (and marriage) than otherwise. DH almost lost me--not for cheating, but other things--and his realization that he did not want that to happen and that he wanted to be with me more than anything else completely changed him and us. 4 years later and he still tells me how lucky he feels that he is with me, and while he is not perfect, he is a wonderful, loving husband. I truly think that without us coming to that crisis point (indeed, we did break up for about 2 months) we would not be as close as we are now.

I know you're not there yet and everyone is different, but just offering you some food for thought and maybe some hope.

[Anonymous]

I'll put it this way. Don't know if my wife has ever had an affair and to be honest about it, would rather not know as long as it was never serious enough to affect my everyday life. Also, the older I get, the more I believe that someone can absolutely love their spouse, but have an affair for any number of reasons. All of us have a dark side and can wander to it.