Is a cheated-on spouse better off knowing or not knowing?

[Anonymous]

18:09 - thanks for saying that - I really appreciate it. It does help to hear success stories especially because at this point I'm kind of at a low with regards to whether I feel like I can get over this. Comes in waves. I'm so glad to hear everything worked out for the best with you and your husband

[Anonymous]

As someone that was cheated on, I would say better-off not knowing. I would never wish that pain on my worst enemy. Also, my marriage ended as a result of the cheating and I sometimes regret the divorce and wish I had taken more time to really think it all through before I acted.

[Anonymous]

I'd rather not know, to be honest.

[Anonymous]

Not knowing can equal many problems down the road. A lot more cheating, STDs, other children born with the affair partner. It can get really messy. Most people who don't confess/aren't caught are serial cheaters. If your marriage is a sham and based on lies - why wouldn't you want to know? If the cheating includes another relationship, often the cheater tells all kinds of stories about the spouse / family to the affair person so you are being talked (and sometimes laughed about) behind your back. If the affair is also an emotional affair, then really you are in a polygamist marriage, you just don't know it. If marriage to you doesn't include emotional, physical or sexual fidelity then I can see not caring about knowing but I can't imagine being happy in that kind of marriage.

[Anonymous]

"If my hands in the cookie jar, know one thing, ima take the cookie not leave my ring"

Some things should be taken to the grave. Cheating (IMO) is one of them....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll put it this way. Don't know if my wife has ever had an affair and to be honest about it, would rather not know as long as it was never serious enough to affect my everyday life. Also, the older I get, the more I believe that someone can absolutely love their spouse, but have an affair for any number of reasons. All of us have a dark side and can wander to it.

My husband feels this way too. He'd never articulate it like you have and he'd deny it, but he knows that I cheated 5 years ago. We discussed it, had counseling for months. Nothing changed in our marriage, for better or worse. Status quo and inertia are powerful things. We both prefer marriage to divorce. I do love my DH but I had my own particular reasons for the affair. Every marriage has a "deal."

[Anonymous]

I'm being cheated on right now, on and off. My weak, flawed husband is engaging in a love affair with "the most beautiful woman [he's] ever known." (that's not me, just to clarify.)

She is/was a on-call prostitute known euphemistically as an "escort." That's how they met.

So to answer OP's question finally ... I would not have wanted to know if my husband hired a whore for a one-time weekend biz trip and never saw her again and never sexted or called. Like many many PPs, I agree that it's better not to know that kind of thing if it happens ONCE. Or even once every 7 years or something.

However in my case, knowing is awful and yet absolutely mandatory. I need to know the extent of this horror -- especially the part where he won't/can't give up his 23 year old whore.

I must know so I can plan the next stage in my life, right? Protect my assets, etc. I can't live like Carmela Soprano for years/decades while dad has a series of monogamous affairs with Other Women he actually loves, sometimes.

I may be making a distinction without an actual difference, tho, between the 1-weekend stand every 8 years of marriage and the ongoing love affair that lasts a year or more.

[Anonymous]

I suppose it depends on the circumstances. During a period where I was away a lot for work I was being cheated on by my ex-wife, fairly obvioulsy, in front of my "friends," one of whom bragged to the others that he had slept with her. I was suspicious but she would not admit to it, and all my "friends" said nothing. As bad as being cheated on is, being humiliated and feeling like you haven't a real friend in the world is worse. One person did tell me, and she's the only one of those people who is still a friend.

My DW knows this history, and knows it would kill me if she were to cheat, but I know that it's just not in her character. If it happened it would be a serious sign of something wrong and I 'd still want to know, even though it would hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm being cheated on right now, on and off. My weak, flawed husband is engaging in a love affair with "the most beautiful woman [he's] ever known." (that's not me, just to clarify.)

She is/was a on-call prostitute known euphemistically as an "escort." That's how they met.

So to answer OP's question finally ... I would not have wanted to know if my husband hired a whore for a one-time weekend biz trip and never saw her again and never sexted or called. Like many many PPs, I agree that it's better not to know that kind of thing if it happens ONCE. Or even once every 7 years or something.

However in my case, knowing is awful and yet absolutely mandatory. I need to know the extent of this horror -- especially the part where he won't/can't give up his 23 year old whore.

I must know so I can plan the next stage in my life, right? Protect my assets, etc. I can't live like Carmela Soprano for years/decades while dad has a series of monogamous affairs with Other Women he actually loves, sometimes.

I may be making a distinction without an actual difference, tho, between the 1-weekend stand every 8 years of marriage and the ongoing love affair that lasts a year or more.

Can you explain why you have not left him?

[Anonymous]

If it not spilling over in other aspect of my life then I rather not know. My husband does an annual "boys" trip - for all I know they are all running around screwing hookers left and right but it does not affect me so I ask no questions, except to ask if he had a great time. I actually do not care if my husband has sex with someone else just for sex.

If however, he were to start acting emotionally distance or if problems start to develop in our marriage then I would want to know. I would want all the information so that I could decide whether to let him go or to work on fixing whatever was wrong in our marriage that led him to want to be with someone else (beyond just phyically).

[Anonymous]

I would not want to know about a one night stand or fling. A long-term affair with lies and emotions is a different story, but I don't need my marriage ruined just so my spouse can assuage their guilt.

[Anonymous]

So what if your spouse does have a brief sexual fling and tells you? Is the marriage over or do you forget it and stay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what if your spouse does have a brief sexual fling and tells you? Is the marriage over or do you forget it and stay?

I am the PP who I think you are responding to. The honest answer is I don't know. Ultimately, I think I would stay, but I would rather not know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what if your spouse does have a brief sexual fling and tells you? Is the marriage over or do you forget it and stay?

This is a tough one and I dont know what I would so. I think that a spouse who discloses a pure fling that you would otherwise not have found out about (or somehow affects my health) is just doing it bc they are looking for absolution and to me that is a greater flaw than the fact they they gave in to temptation in the first place. You make a mistake you need to own that guilt and use it for good - become a better spouse. You want absolution, go talk to a priest not lay the hurt at your spouse's feet and disrupt their otherwise happy life.


I would be very very angry at my spouse if he came from and told me that he screwed some random person that he will never see again, not sure if I would leave but I would seriously consider it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what if your spouse does have a brief sexual fling and tells you? Is the marriage over or do you forget it and stay?

This is a tough one and I dont know what I would so. I think that a spouse who discloses a pure fling that you would otherwise not have found out about (or somehow affects my health) is just doing it bc they are looking for absolution and to me that is a greater flaw than the fact they they gave in to temptation in the first place. You make a mistake you need to own that guilt and use it for good - become a better spouse. You want absolution, go talk to a priest not lay the hurt at your spouse's feet and disrupt their otherwise happy life.


I would be very very angry at my spouse if he came from and told me that he screwed some random person that he will never see again, not sure if I would leave but I would seriously consider it.

Well said.