Is a cheated-on spouse better off knowing or not knowing?

[Anonymous]

I must know so I can plan the next stage in my life, right? Protect my assets, etc. I can't live like Carmela Soprano for years/decades while dad has a series of monogamous affairs with Other Women he actually loves, sometimes.
I may be making a distinction without an actual difference, tho, between the 1-weekend stand every 8 years of marriage and the ongoing love affair that lasts a year or more.

Can you explain why you have not left him?

At first, I had no plans to leave because I am one of the retro-thinking spouses who believes steadfastly that all divorce is an awful blow to school-age children. Even the "good divorce" or the amicable divorce or what have you. I was going to suck it up.

Now that stupid husband won't quit the whore-turned-girlfriend and (I suspect) is spending time at her apt. at the expense of our children after work, I ready to conclude that there is little advantage to staying together. Except one: money. I'm trying to work out the money piece on my end.

I don't necessarily recommend this for others reading this thread. I'm just doing what makes the most sense at the moment in a dynamic situation where, importantly, I'm missing a lot of key data needed to make the -best- decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I must know so I can plan the next stage in my life, right? Protect my assets, etc. I can't live like Carmela Soprano for years/decades while dad has a series of monogamous affairs with Other Women he actually loves, sometimes.
I may be making a distinction without an actual difference, tho, between the 1-weekend stand every 8 years of marriage and the ongoing love affair that lasts a year or more.

Can you explain why you have not left him?

At first, I had no plans to leave because I am one of the retro-thinking spouses who believes steadfastly that all divorce is an awful blow to school-age children. Even the "good divorce" or the amicable divorce or what have you. I was going to suck it up.

Now that stupid husband won't quit the whore-turned-girlfriend and (I suspect) is spending time at her apt. at the expense of our children after work, I ready to conclude that there is little advantage to staying together. Except one: money. I'm trying to work out the money piece on my end.

I don't necessarily recommend this for others reading this thread. I'm just doing what makes the most sense at the moment in a dynamic situation where, importantly, I'm missing a lot of key data needed to make the -best- decision.

If you are willing to stay for the money (I would), would you consider giving him a "pass" as long as he uses discretion and does not take time away from the children. Could you live with that?

[Anonymous]

I don't know. If it was truly just a one-off "I was drunk and lonely" type thing that he really regretted and promised himself would never happen again, I guess I wouldn't want to know, because it would crush me, and I'd have to consider ending my marriage. I don't WANT to end my marriage though, but if he came to me and told me this, I would consider it. In that situation, I suppose I'd prefer to just not be any the wiser. I would not respect his honesty and being truthful would not mitigate the hurt, so if he fucks up like that, he needs to just keep it to himself and deal with it on his own. (However, this is not what I've told him. What I've told him is if he ever cheats on me, I WILL find out about it sooner or later, and I'll leave him and take everything I can get my hands on. He doesn't need to know that I might actually be more lenient.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you explain why you have not left him?

... Now that stupid husband won't quit the whore-turned-girlfriend and (I suspect) is spending time at her apt. at the expense of our children after work, I ready to conclude that there is little advantage to staying together. Except one: money. I'm trying to work out the money piece on my end...

If you are willing to stay for the money (I would), would you consider giving him a "pass" as long as he uses discretion and does not take time away from the children. Could you live with that?

If the husband now loves the woman who used to be a whore, and the unloved wife stays for the money, who is now the whore?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for the thoughtful responses, varied as they are. I honestly agree with all of you. I totally get why some people would want to know no matter what and some wouldn't want to know if it had been a casual thing that is completely over now.

But for those of you who think it's wrong for the cheater to tell the spouse to assuage guilt... it may not be as simple as saying, "Live with your guilt in silence, already."

There's that saying, "What you don't know won't hurt you." Is that really so? For every day that the cheater is aware of a breach of faith and the spouse is unaware, does that not put an invisible wall between them and render the blissfully ignorant spouse's trust a sham?

If the truth would devastate... then perhaps it needs to devastate.

Here are the ways it continues to eat away at a marriage when a cheater attempts to keep the sorry past a secret:

It makes the cheater a hypocrite every time the cheater talks to the kid(s) about doing what's right.

If the cheater learns not to care about being a hypocrite and living with a lie in the center of the marriage, perhaps that person is becoming more morally bankrupt, more hollow on the inside, rather than becoming a better life partner.

And if the cheater does have a conscience but thinks the secret is necessary to protect the family - do you not think that inner torment hidden from a spouse has no effect on the marriage?

Since there is no single right answer, MAYBE it would be a good precaution for every couple to talk about what they would prefer - under what conditions they would or would not want to know that the marital trust has been betrayed.

[Anonymous]

OP, you make some very good points but my situation is a little bit different. I am bisexual and have gone outside the marriage on occasion because of these needs. Just dealing with the bi part would put a terrible strain on the marriage if it got out.

[Anonymous]

My husband had a year-long affair with a coworker. While him and I fought over the course of his affair, I was always arguing from the standpoint of it being an emotional affair...had no idea it was physical. Was DEVASTATED when I learned and we separated for about a month after he confessed all.

I truly wish I had stay separated from him for a longer period of time. We're 3+ years after the affair, but I still think about it. It took me almost 2 years before I could think about it without crying and just shutting down emotionally.

I absolutely wish he had been able to stop the affair and straighten up on his own without disclosing the affair. I hate that I know this about him and our marriage.

[Anonymous]

You wish he had been able to stop the affair? Why couldn't he stop? Did someone have a gun to his head? Why did you stay married if you are still in pain?

[Anonymous]

Not telling means the relationship is based on lies, deceit, betrayal, unfaithfulness and disrespect. The hurt and damage is done, even if the spouse isn't told. I think everyone has the right to know what kind of marriage they are in and make choices for themselves if they wish to stay or not. They should have a right to protect their own health rather than unknowingly being exposed to STDs and they should know their spouse has brought other people into their marriage.

Whether or not someone wishes to stay once they know is completely up to them to decide. Not having that choice is unfair. Anyone who doesn't tell is too immature and/or narcissistic to be in a serious relationship.

[Anonymous]

16:49 - ignore the post after yours. That poster is one of those naive black and white people who, even though they have never been in your situation, thinks they know exactly what they would have done and what they should have done. Ignore them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:49 - ignore the post after yours. That poster is one of those naive black and white people who, even though they have never been in your situation, thinks they know exactly what they would have done and what they should have done. Ignore them.

Most things in life are not black and white. But it is very sad when trust is broken in a marriage. One does wonder how some people stay married after an affair. And I don't mean a one night stand, but rather a situation where there was an emotional connection between the participants. No doubt that when children are involved, it makes it much more complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll put it this way. Don't know if my wife has ever had an affair and to be honest about it, would rather not know as long as it was never serious enough to affect my everyday life. Also, the older I get, the more I believe that someone can absolutely love their spouse, but have an affair for any number of reasons. All of us have a dark side and can wander to it.

+1

[Anonymous]

This is difficult. If I never know about a one-night stand and there is never a repercussion to face (a pregnancy, child, blackmail, stalking, STD) - then maybe - I would rather not know? Seriously - I cannot say.

On the other hand - if it is an ongoing thing (a mistress, another family) - I would want to know immediately.

I will neither forgive nor forget, if I know.

[Anonymous]

As painful as it was, I am glad I found out. Now I know that my husband is dishonest and does not share my belief in fidelity. So I will leave the marriage and find someone who is hopefully more suited to being married.

[Anonymous]

I think your real resentment is with your affair partner. You don't all of a sudden care about his wife. You are pissed he still is dating and you want to ruin his party, just like yours was busted up. This is about YOU, not your new moral high horse.