Reply to Is a cheated-on spouse better off knowing or not knowing?

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[quote=Anonymous]I hope this does become a thoughtful discussion as I'm interested in it too. I was cheated on early this summer and my husband told me as soon as I returned from the business trip at which he cheated. I suspect he would not have told me if it had involved someone I didn't know. As it was, she had told him that she would tell me if he didn't and she did end up contacting me the day after he told me. Obviously in this situation, I'm happier that he told me first. But I'm trying to think about if it had been someone random - would I have wanted him to tell me?  I think I would have, yes. Mainly because if he hadn't told me, I don't think anything in our relationship would have changed and I suspect he would have kept traveling for work once a month (that is cut off now at his suggestion) and he probably would have kept having one night stands because at that point, why not?  As it was, he told me and we have worked on our relationship to the point where it is much stronger than ever.

That said, I still don't know whether I will be staying with him. He begged me to give him a year to prove to me that he wants to be married and how much he sincerely regrets this mistake. We're five months in and he has been wonderful, truly wonderful. But it was so unexpected and it was the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life and at this point I can't imagine ever trusting him again. He swears nothing like this ever happened before and I have no reason to believe it did but I'll always wonder. But we'll see.

Anyway, in summary, I would absolutely want him to tell me for many reasons - STDs being the main one, someone else knowing without me knowing would be second, the possibility of my finding out in the future would be third (he didn't tell me for a week after it happened and thinking back to our interactions that week was devestating, I can't imagine thinking back over months or years of interactions). Finally, the chance to stop the behavior and work on creating a stronger relationship would be important. I do believe that most people cheat due to some personal or relationship-related issue and I can't imagine any way that wouldn't just continue if you just sweep an affair under the rug. [/quote]

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