Is a cheated-on spouse better off knowing or not knowing?

[Anonymous]

Funny to see this thread. I posted on the first page in 2011 about having been recently cheated on. My DH and I are still together more than three years later and happier than we've ever been. It took me about two years to not have at least a few thoughts about the incident a day. I rarely think about it now, but when I do, there is very little of that visceral pain.

So having been through it and gotten through it, I am 100% happy that he told me. Just thought I'd add that.

[Anonymous]

I think what's important is how the cheater behaves after he/she ends the affair. Let's say he goes to therapy or talks to some other type of counselor and really figures out why he did what he did and commits to change and actually does change. Why is the relationship based on lies? He's not faking his commitment to his wife or his love or his devotion anymore. What good would it serve to tell? What if this person did this act as a result of some extreme stress he was under, stress he's not likely to live through again? He recommits to his relationship and doesn't mess up again. Why would he have to tell?

[Anonymous]

What if a dw has a deep emotional affair with a co worker. Tells him she loves him and would leave you for him. And you find out. And then she blames you for it because of all of alleged pent up resentments over the past years. And she still works with him. Do you go to counseling and work it out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think what's important is how the cheater behaves after he/she ends the affair. Let's say he goes to therapy or talks to some other type of counselor and really figures out why he did what he did and commits to change and actually does change. Why is the relationship based on lies? He's not faking his commitment to his wife or his love or his devotion anymore. What good would it serve to tell? What if this person did this act as a result of some extreme stress he was under, stress he's not likely to live through again? He recommits to his relationship and doesn't mess up again. Why would he have to tell?

Because a fundamental premise of relationships is honesty. You don't get to decide what reality your partner will live in. And, all too often, the thought pattern you describe doesn't lead to fidelity, because it's a form of denial -- "I cheated because I was unhappy, I've fixed it and I'll never do it again." -- until, of course, they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a difficult issue. There are some people who legitimately and for good reason would not want to know. The existence of such people, however, gives many cheaters cover not to confess to spouses who might well want to know.

I am a DH, and I would much rather know; I have no interest in living a lie, among other reasons. But I can understand why others might make different choices. It's a tough issue.

I agree that it's not a straight-forward issue. I'm a DW, and I'd definitely want to know. I want to be authentic and deal with the difficult truths in our marriage rather than gloss over them.

I have a friend, however, who's been cheating on his DW for a long time (no, I'm not the OW). I really don't understand it because he loves his wife, and they seem to have a really good marriage with lots of fun together (I’ve never met her). And yet, he says that he cheats because that's how he has been able to stay married. He isn’t sexually satisfied in his marriage and therefore needs the excitement of being with other sexual partners. He's very good at compartmentalizing, so has never fallen for any of his lovers. He says he knows his wife and she wouldn’t want to know. I wonder how it’s possible that she hasn't figured it out, as the signs are all there. It makes me think that on some level, she knows and doesn't delve too deeply because it would rock her world. We see what we want to see...

I could never have that sort of willful ignorance. Even knowing the pain it might cause me knowing the truth.

[Anonymous]

i waS cheated on and wish i had never been told. it took me years to recover and i haven't been in a decent relationship since (if you can call that one decent!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll put it this way. Don't know if my wife has ever had an affair and to be honest about it, would rather not know as long as it was never serious enough to affect my everyday life. Also, the older I get, the more I believe that someone can absolutely love their spouse, but have an affair for any number of reasons. All of us have a dark side and can wander to it.

I agree with every word of this.

[Anonymous]

The question is better framed as:

"Is it better to cheat on one's spouse, and continually lie about it overtly or by omission for the rest of the marriage, thereby rendering the entire marriage a continuing sham; or is it better to make amends by attempting to live a life of honesty and integrity, which of necessity, would require full disclosure?"

Depends on who you are and what kind of marriage, and life, you want to lead.

I suppose someone who would cheat, in the first place, wouldn't have much of an issue with continuing to lie to their spouse for the rest of the marriage to keep it covered up. Justifying it by saying it's for the cheated-on spouse's "own good" is simply the cherry on top of the wonderful birthday cake the cheater gives to their spouse.

[Anonymous]

The question is better framed as:

"Is it better to cheat on one's spouse, and continually lie about it overtly or by omission for the rest of the marriage, thereby rendering the entire marriage a continuing sham; or is it better to make amends by attempting to live a life of honesty and integrity, which of necessity, would require full disclosure?"

Depends on who you are and what kind of marriage, and life, you want to lead.

I suppose someone who would cheat, in the first place, wouldn't have much of an issue with continuing to lie to their spouse for the rest of the marriage to keep it covered up. Justifying it by saying it's for the cheated-on spouse's "own good" is simply the cherry on top of the wonderful birthday cake the cheater gives to their spouse.

[Anonymous]

Women often stay with a cheating spouse. Men do not.

I say take it to the grave.

[Anonymous]

So here is my piece.
My wife and I have been extremely unhappy, she has told me a few times that she doesnt know if she can love me the way she used too (we have been together for 11 years married for 5 years, unhappy for 3). She has suffered from depression and anxiety for years and it has only intensified. Throughout this she has lost love for me, I have tried to understand and help her out. Recently the last 3-4 months her attitude towards me has been almost unbearable. Everytime she speaks to me I hear the contempt and disdain in her voice. I have tried talking to her but can only get a few sentences out before I become disheartened, and retreat into whatever sporting event is on TV. The worst part is we also have a 3 year old. My wife constantly goes out with her guy "friend" and our little one has stopped yelling for mama when my wife leaves.
I have found respit from a former co-worker. So far we have only exchanged texts, no pictures and we havent had any physical contact in years. I am however on the verge of crossing that line. I have gone back and forth telling her about how unhappy I am, and what we need to do to try to fix our marriage, but I have been only able to convince myself of how unhappy I have been with her.


What should I do in that situation? Should I tell? Should I cheat and hope that I dont feel guilty about it? if i stay am i going to be unhappy?

[Anonymous]

Women cheat with their hearts, men cheat with their d*cks.
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That's why cheating men can be forgiven but cheating women can't.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't want to know unless DH wanted to end the relationship. I would never recover. I couldn't get past the disgust and insecurities. I know this because I've been through it more than once with ex bfs. I also would never tell my DH if I was stupid enough to make that mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't want to know unless DH wanted to end the relationship. I would never recover. I couldn't get past the disgust and insecurities. I know this because I've been through it more than once with ex bfs. I also would never tell my DH if I was stupid enough to make that mistake.

+1, and I told DW to keep it to herself if she strays. I can't unknow something. Our relationship is generally good, I have zero desire to breakup our family or assets over cheating.

[Anonymous]

Cheaters cheat themselves the most. Women will usually stay only because of the kids, and finances which they put above the no good spouse.

You'll never feel the same for a cheater. Many women will pretend to forgive rather than give up the lifestyle and retirement.

Honestly, make all the excuses for a cheater but there's absolutely no reason.