Is a cheated-on spouse better off knowing or not knowing?

[Anonymous]

I could forgive cheating but not the lying.

[Anonymous]

I explicitly told my husband that if he ever has a one- or two-night stand that means nothing to him, and if STDs are not involved, and if there's no chance I'll find out some other way, then I hope he is smart enough to cover it up well because I don't want to know. I expect to be protected from this information.

Mind you, we aren't talking about life-altering love affairs. Just about fucks.

[Anonymous]

I have never been unfaithful to my husband, whom i married after two long-term (about ten years each) relationships in which i did have sex with other men. In all three relationships, i did it to put distance between them and myself and to feel strong enough to leave. Yes, i told them and left them.

My husband and i have been married for 16 years. I have had opportunities to be together with other men, but i never let it get beyond the flirting stage. I tell him everything. That was a promise we both made and have kept: no secrets, no lies. We have never promised to be sexually faithful.

[Anonymous]

Dude here. I don't want to know even though I sometimes could not help wondering why wife is so cold from time to time.

[Anonymous]

If it was a one time slip up, I don't think I would want to know. A sin can be confessed, but it doesn't need to be confessed to me. Confess it to God. Just change your ways and move along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Years ago, I cheated. I'm certainly not proud of it, but my reason (in retrospect) was to create a crisis to get out of my marriage. Someone told my then-husband, and he threw me down the stairs.

Not condoning what he did, but men feel much differently than women when cheated on - it is a total blow to their masculinity - was the other guy's penis bigger? Did she think he was better in bed? Generalizing a bit, but with women it seems that there issue is more emotional - was my husband falling in love with another woman?

Fuck that nonsense. I'm a woman and wanted to throw him down the stairs when I found out. Never going to be the same. I lost a lot of respect for him and definitely look at him differently even though amends were made. I don't think good people cheat on their spouses. Yes-two people make a marriage...but cheating without addressing things or trying shows zero character.

[Anonymous]

Just skimmed this zombie thread after it popped up in "most recent." Am I the only person who would have an easier time forgiving my spouse for an affair based on love as opposed to a one-night stand?

Life happens, emotions happen. I really hope he never falls in love with someone else, but that would be easier for me to understand than his risking and cheapening our marriage for "just sex."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could forgive cheating but not the lying.

I hear this trope all the time. I'm sorry, I don't believe it for a minute...classic "it's not the crime, it's the coverup". Sorry, bullshit.

I will take a stand on this: I think the cheated on is better off not knowing. Period. All that knowing does is hurt them, badly. This is why the women who do it to "create a crisis" and leave (classic move, BTW, happens all the time, one way or another) - they know it will be intolerable to the partner, and drive the partner to dump them or stop trying to hold the marriage together. If you want a divorce, or to leave, you can just say and do that...you don't have to inflict harm or cause extra drama.

Men generally cheat because they want some strange, or they want some validation. Most say they didn't feel appreciated at home - and most don't mean their dick isn't being appreciated enough. If it's not plain old variety seeking, in which case they have no desire to leave or end the marriage - they might even be happy, then it's because there is an issue in the marriage. It's not that they aren't getting BJs or whatever, it's that they aren't getting affection or aren't getting any emotional validation from their partner. The answer here, again, is to leave the relationship, and to do so citing the real issue, not hitting some nuclear self-destruct button.

People know full damn well that some kinds of "lying" are essential grease to a relationship - harsh "truth" is often used as an excuse to be mean to your partner. "Do I look fat in this dress?" C'mon...this is basic stuff.

Do people want to be lied to? Of course not. Do they want to be cheated on? Of course not. Do you want your ass to look big in that dress?

I cheated on my first wife, after the marriage had really fallen apart - I was just waiting until the right moment to leave, and had long since given up fighting the tar baby over our issues (which largely included getting my sexual desires met). Telling her I was leaving was plenty hurtful. There was no need to say "yeah, I've cheated on you for a year a couple of years back", so she could kick me out...ridiculous. I manned up and said "I'm tired of living with someone who is depressed and negative, constantly, and at most give me 'duty' sex.". Yes, that's why I cheated...telling about the cheating? For what? To further humiliate my ex?

Similarly, if you haven't been caught and you've decided to stop the affair and stick around in the marriage...then don't tell..just stop doing the bad thing. Yes, they, and the relationship, are most unequivocally better off. Cheating sucks, I'd never do that again - it was a miserable soul-crushing way to live. I was hugely relieved when I stopped. Just asking for a divorce was harsh enough.

No, ignorance is bliss. If my wife ever cheats on me, I don't want to know...if she really wants out, I want her to tell me "it's not you, it's me" and leave. I'm gonna feel like crap and abandoned and generally horrible. I don't need insult on top of injury. If she doesn't want out, easier to forgive and live in trust if I don't know.

[Anonymous]

I used to think that it was selfish to not tell a spouse that you cheated, and that to not tell would mean you did not trust and had no remorse, regret, etc.. Now I am wondering if it is actually selfish to tell a spouse that you did cheat. If it really is about you feeling guilty and needing to make some attempt to salvage something honorable (truth) in a dishonorable act. But the more I think about it, the more I don't think the two cancel the other out.

Remember the scene in Dark Knight where the butler burns the letter to Batman? Would it really have made a difference for him to know what she was not in love with him and was choosing Harvey? Are some secrets better kept in true love for a person, instead of a painful truth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could forgive cheating but not the lying.

I hear this trope all the time. I'm sorry, I don't believe it for a minute...classic "it's not the crime, it's the coverup". Sorry, bullshit.

I will take a stand on this: I think the cheated on is better off not knowing. Period. All that knowing does is hurt them, badly. This is why the women who do it to "create a crisis" and leave (classic move, BTW, happens all the time, one way or another) - they know it will be intolerable to the partner, and drive the partner to dump them or stop trying to hold the marriage together. If you want a divorce, or to leave, you can just say and do that...you don't have to inflict harm or cause extra drama.

Men generally cheat because they want some strange, or they want some validation. Most say they didn't feel appreciated at home - and most don't mean their dick isn't being appreciated enough. If it's not plain old variety seeking, in which case they have no desire to leave or end the marriage - they might even be happy, then it's because there is an issue in the marriage. It's not that they aren't getting BJs or whatever, it's that they aren't getting affection or aren't getting any emotional validation from their partner. The answer here, again, is to leave the relationship, and to do so citing the real issue, not hitting some nuclear self-destruct button.

People know full damn well that some kinds of "lying" are essential grease to a relationship - harsh "truth" is often used as an excuse to be mean to your partner. "Do I look fat in this dress?" C'mon...this is basic stuff.

Do people want to be lied to? Of course not. Do they want to be cheated on? Of course not. Do you want your ass to look big in that dress?

I cheated on my first wife, after the marriage had really fallen apart - I was just waiting until the right moment to leave, and had long since given up fighting the tar baby over our issues (which largely included getting my sexual desires met). Telling her I was leaving was plenty hurtful. There was no need to say "yeah, I've cheated on you for a year a couple of years back", so she could kick me out...ridiculous. I manned up and said "I'm tired of living with someone who is depressed and negative, constantly, and at most give me 'duty' sex.". Yes, that's why I cheated...telling about the cheating? For what? To further humiliate my ex?

Similarly, if you haven't been caught and you've decided to stop the affair and stick around in the marriage...then don't tell..just stop doing the bad thing. Yes, they, and the relationship, are most unequivocally better off. Cheating sucks, I'd never do that again - it was a miserable soul-crushing way to live. I was hugely relieved when I stopped. Just asking for a divorce was harsh enough.

No, ignorance is bliss. If my wife ever cheats on me, I don't want to know...if she really wants out, I want her to tell me "it's not you, it's me" and leave. I'm gonna feel like crap and abandoned and generally horrible. I don't need insult on top of injury. If she doesn't want out, easier to forgive and live in trust if I don't know.

Just cause it's bullshit for you, doesn't mean it is for anyone else. As long as you and your wife are on the same page, that's all that matters.
And did you really mean to call your former wife a tar baby? Really??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just skimmed this zombie thread after it popped up in "most recent." Am I the only person who would have an easier time forgiving my spouse for an affair based on love as opposed to a one-night stand?

Life happens, emotions happen. I really hope he never falls in love with someone else, but that would be easier for me to understand than his risking and cheapening our marriage for "just sex."

So you'd rather he found you deficient, not just in the bedroom, but as a romantic partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is a cheated-on spouse better off knowing or not knowing?
Way too many factors and variables to get a definitive answer on this. Every person is different and every relationship is different there's no "one size fits all" way to handle cheating.

My husband is absolutely better off not knowing, definitively. He strongly suspects I cheated a long time ago. I denied it. We got through it. It's long since over. We are better together than apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Statistically, if a woman cheats the man will leave - no questions. But, if a man cheats women tend to try and rebuild. What would I do? I can't say. I haven't crossed that bridge in 20 years of marriage and hope I never do. Fidelity means a lot to both of us however I would never say "never" you just don't know what curve ball might come your way. Would I want to know. Hum.. immediately probably yes, after passage of time with a one night mistake probably not and on going affair, yes I would most likely leave. As for telling the man's wife, the only reason the "other woman" should tell the wife of the cheater is if the wife is in danger of health or bodily harm or if confronted (I would not lie for him).

All this being said, I believe in the 10 commandments and if you go around breaking them you will pay for your sins.

I'm a woman who chronically cheats. My husband does not and will not leave. Why? It's the old Ann Landers question - he's better off with me than without me. Low sex drive, inhibited, won't give me some fairly basic sex acts. He knows he married me, then pulled a bait and switch. I make his life easy, both with the money I make and all the kid and domestic stuff I do. It's better for him, so long as I am discreet, to keep the status quo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to think that it was selfish to not tell a spouse that you cheated, and that to not tell would mean you did not trust and had no remorse, regret, etc.. Now I am wondering if it is actually selfish to tell a spouse that you did cheat. If it really is about you feeling guilty and needing to make some attempt to salvage something honorable (truth) in a dishonorable act. But the more I think about it, the more I don't think the two cancel the other out.

Remember the scene in Dark Knight where the butler burns the letter to Batman? Would it really have made a difference for him to know what she was not in love with him and was choosing Harvey? Are some secrets better kept in true love for a person, instead of a painful truth?

Hmm, I think cheating is a selfish act to begin with. How one chooses to share what they did, IMHO, is irrelevant. To answer the question I think, it depends on who is doing the telling, and who is doing the listening part of the confession. It has eaten me alive to keep something from my spouse. I would have to tell, eventually. Yes, that is selfish. But to keep them in the dark? Selfish too.

I think to a point- ignorance is bliss. Some things should go to the grave with us. This? Nah.

If better off means full trusting, free hearts, unicorns and rainbows, then the cheater has to tell the cheated so both can move on in honesty.
Otherwise, the skeletons may come out of the closet to play one day. Guess I couldn't handle that.

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman and I wouldn't want to know, nor would I tell my DH. I think I would fall out of love with my DH and never ever recover if I knew (based on how this played out in previous relationships).