Is a cheated-on spouse better off knowing or not knowing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not telling means the relationship is based on lies, deceit, betrayal, unfaithfulness and disrespect. The hurt and damage is done, even if the spouse isn't told. I think everyone has the right to know what kind of marriage they are in and make choices for themselves if they wish to stay or not. They should have a right to protect their own health rather than unknowingly being exposed to STDs and they should know their spouse has brought other people into their marriage.

Whether or not someone wishes to stay once they know is completely up to them to decide. Not having that choice is unfair. Anyone who doesn't tell is too immature and/or narcissistic to be in a serious relationship.

+100

The guy could knock the other woman up to--now that heavily effects your kids as well.

[Anonymous]

FYI this thread is from 2011, so the OP is likely long gone.

[Anonymous]

I would not want to know. Either way I am not leaving him, so it would be nice to continue to think he was faithful to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FYI this thread is from 2011, so the OP is likely long gone.

Yes, and no spouses have cheated on each other since 2011

[Anonymous]

No hefer. We are not going to give you permission to tell the other guys wife. I hope you are still in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your counselor. From a practical point of view, you never tell unless some reason forces you to (like you discover you contracted an STD). This isn't about my conscience. If I don't know something I have no reason to take action. Once I know, I will never get it out of my head. When I am 80 I'll probably be thinking about it. There is no way that normal can be restored even if you're forgiven. I was cheated on by my first wife. No thought required, I divorced her. The harm has been done. Don't go breaking up other marriages by telling his wife that you banged her husband. Something about a lot of women needing to confess such crap. In this area, take a cue from men- take it to the grave.

+1.

Seriously, what the hell did you accomplish by telling your DH that you cheated? You were selfish (but human) for cheating but really freaking selfish for unloading your guilt on him. Just go back to your marriage and be a good wife. Sheesh, you are a drama queen. I agree with your counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your counselor. From a practical point of view, you never tell unless some reason forces you to (like you discover you contracted an STD). This isn't about my conscience. If I don't know something I have no reason to take action. Once I know, I will never get it out of my head. When I am 80 I'll probably be thinking about it. There is no way that normal can be restored even if you're forgiven. I was cheated on by my first wife. No thought required, I divorced her. The harm has been done. Don't go breaking up other marriages by telling his wife that you banged her husband. Something about a lot of women needing to confess such crap. In this area, take a cue from men- take it to the grave.

NP - you do understand PP that your position means that if your spouse was cheating, no one should tell you because you're saying you shouldn't know.

Is that really how you feel if you were the one being cheated on?

I don't believe for a moment that people who say this wouldn't want to know if they were being cheated on. I think this is largely the position of past and current cheaters and that THIS is where the major rationalizing comes in. Why is it ever preferable to live a lie without one person knowing? If one spouse thinks there is monogamous commitment and the other cheats, even if the cheating is over it's still living a lie. Why is that ever ok?

The whole entire reason cheating is painful and turbulent if discovered is because it's one of the biggest violations of trust. Only the person clearest about not wanting to cheat again comes clean, because coming clean risks everything (never know how cheated spouse will react). Not telling is NOT doing your spouse a favor. It's trying to cover your own ass and often about maintains the other relationship(s) without losing your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your counselor. From a practical point of view, you never tell unless some reason forces you to (like you discover you contracted an STD). This isn't about my conscience. If I don't know something I have no reason to take action. Once I know, I will never get it out of my head. When I am 80 I'll probably be thinking about it. There is no way that normal can be restored even if you're forgiven. I was cheated on by my first wife. No thought required, I divorced her. The harm has been done. Don't go breaking up other marriages by telling his wife that you banged her husband. Something about a lot of women needing to confess such crap. In this area, take a cue from men- take it to the grave.

+1.

Seriously, what the hell did you accomplish by telling your DH that you cheated? You were selfish (but human) for cheating but really freaking selfish for unloading your guilt on him. Just go back to your marriage and be a good wife. Sheesh, you are a drama queen. I agree with your counselor.

Trolls, cheaters, or cheating trolls. Both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you make some very good points but my situation is a little bit different. I am bisexual and have gone outside the marriage on occasion because of these needs. Just dealing with the bi part would put a terrible strain on the marriage if it got out.

You're living 2 lies. Toxic dynamic and it will come back to bite a huge chunk out of your cheating butt in time. Since when do people think it's ok to lie about who you are and what you're doing? We all have "needs". You're a master rationalized if you seriously think that justifies a)cheating or b) covering it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know. He would be dead to me if he cheated. I could never forgive him. He feels the same. So, in our situation knowing would = leaving. I think the reason we have been happily married so long is that we discussed this in pre-marital counseling. We both looked each other in the eye and said how we would feel if the other cheated. We were brutally honest. We went into our marriage knowing it would be the absolute end if we cheated. So to answer your question, If my husband cheated on me, it would be better not to let me know, because I would leave him immediately.

I'm 15:18 and these kind of posts always really bother me. I'm sorry to sound judge-y, but this is a very black and white naive point of view to me. Six months ago, I could have written your post. My husband and I also looked each other in the eye and said to each other that we would leave immediately if we were cheated on. I remember saying this no fewer than three times in our relationship directly to him. "I will leave you immediately if you cheat on me." I guess I thought that provided me security; that if he was ever in a situation where he would consider cheating, that he would immediately remember and snap back out of his cheating fog and say "no, no - she said she would leave me, I can't do this." Obviously, it may very well work for you and you may never cheat on eachother. I didn't think we would either. And I knew for absolute certain that I would leave, no questions asked.

So six years into marriage, combined finances, two houses and two mortgages, two preschoolers, a life and identity built as a couple, and some (to me) very run-of-the-mill two young kids two parents working full-time issues, he accidentally (and I say that meaning that he did not intend or seek out a cheating scenario) cheated. Even though he had said he would leave me immediately if I had cheated and even though I had told him that I would leave him immediately. It happened. And he told me and he begged me to stay. And like I said, he has truly truly been wonderful - made a great turn around and been committed to the marriage and to our family. So I promised him I would try for a year, and that's what I'm doing now. And like I said, I still don't know whether I will be staying. But I think it would have been very naive and stupid of me to just walk out in this scenario and subject myself and my children to the devestation of divorce.

You absolutely never know how you will act until it happens to you. And you cannot judge anyone else's decisions based on what little you know about their situation. Please remember that in this discussion.

NP here. The PP you quote isn't judging other people's situations. She is not saying that everyone should leave a spouse who has cheated. She just says that she would.

And I think that it's fine for people to have bright lines in the marriage about what they will or won't tolerate. Some people change their minds, but others don't. It sounds like you are the one being judgy and/or defensive.

I don't think women are "naive or stupid" if they decide immediately that they want a divorce. Divorce doesn't have to be devastating to children. Some women (and men) know that they will not be able to trust the person again and that's a deal breaker. Who are you to judge them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you make some very good points but my situation is a little bit different. I am bisexual and have gone outside the marriage on occasion because of these needs. Just dealing with the bi part would put a terrible strain on the marriage if it got out.

You're living 2 lies. Toxic dynamic and it will come back to bite a huge chunk out of your cheating butt in time. Since when do people think it's ok to lie about who you are and what you're doing? We all have "needs". You're a master rationalized if you seriously think that justifies a)cheating or b) covering it up.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know. He would be dead to me if he cheated. I could never forgive him. He feels the same. So, in our situation knowing would = leaving. I think the reason we have been happily married so long is that we discussed this in pre-marital counseling. We both looked each other in the eye and said how we would feel if the other cheated. We were brutally honest. We went into our marriage knowing it would be the absolute end if we cheated. So to answer your question, If my husband cheated on me, it would be better not to let me know, because I would leave him immediately.

I'm 15:18 and these kind of posts always really bother me. I'm sorry to sound judge-y, but this is a very black and white naive point of view to me. Six months ago, I could have written your post. My husband and I also looked each other in the eye and said to each other that we would leave immediately if we were cheated on. I remember saying this no fewer than three times in our relationship directly to him. "I will leave you immediately if you cheat on me." I guess I thought that provided me security; that if he was ever in a situation where he would consider cheating, that he would immediately remember and snap back out of his cheating fog and say "no, no - she said she would leave me, I can't do this." Obviously, it may very well work for you and you may never cheat on eachother. I didn't think we would either. And I knew for absolute certain that I would leave, no questions asked.

So six years into marriage, combined finances, two houses and two mortgages, two preschoolers, a life and identity built as a couple, and some (to me) very run-of-the-mill two young kids two parents working full-time issues, he accidentally (and I say that meaning that he did not intend or seek out a cheating scenario) cheated. Even though he had said he would leave me immediately if I had cheated and even though I had told him that I would leave him immediately. It happened. And he told me and he begged me to stay. And like I said, he has truly truly been wonderful - made a great turn around and been committed to the marriage and to our family. So I promised him I would try for a year, and that's what I'm doing now. And like I said, I still don't know whether I will be staying. But I think it would have been very naive and stupid of me to just walk out in this scenario and subject myself and my children to the devestation of divorce.

You absolutely never know how you will act until it happens to you. And you cannot judge anyone else's decisions based on what little you know about their situation. Please remember that in this discussion.

NP here. The PP you quote isn't judging other people's situations. She is not saying that everyone should leave a spouse who has cheated. She just says that she would.

And I think that it's fine for people to have bright lines in the marriage about what they will or won't tolerate. Some people change their minds, but others don't. It sounds like you are the one being judgy and/or defensive.

I don't think women are "naive or stupid" if they decide immediately that they want a divorce. Divorce doesn't have to be devastating to children. Some women (and men) know that they will not be able to trust the person again and that's a deal breaker. Who are you to judge them?

DP and I totally agree with you. I would also add that I want to model for my kids that they never need to stay in a relationship where the spouse/sig other shows such deviousness, lack of respect, and disregard for me and our relationship. I know I'm better off without a cheating spouse, so I'd get out. I'd never get in the way of their dad having a relationship with them unless he was abusive or inappropriate with them. But me, I'd be gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not telling means the relationship is based on lies, deceit, betrayal, unfaithfulness and disrespect. The hurt and damage is done, even if the spouse isn't told. I think everyone has the right to know what kind of marriage they are in and make choices for themselves if they wish to stay or not. They should have a right to protect their own health rather than unknowingly being exposed to STDs and they should know their spouse has brought other people into their marriage.

Whether or not someone wishes to stay once they know is completely up to them to decide. Not having that choice is unfair. Anyone who doesn't tell is too immature and/or narcissistic to be in a serious relationship.

Agreed. I'd want to know. I'm not a child. I didn't get married because I think marriage is necessary. I got married because I wanted a monogamous relationship. I WANTED to make that vow and I wanted my husband to make it to me. If he betrays that, I want to know. And then go from there. But honestly, I don't think I could stay married. From things I've observed, I do think that once a person cheats, even if they repent and sincerely intend not to do it again, I think there is a strong likelihood it will happen again. Sure, some people only cheat *once*, but I suspect that is the exception. I'd love to see studies, but unfortunately, I don't see how a reliable study could be conducted, because willingness to cheat also means a willingness to lie.

And that leads to the other problem. Lying is a big deal to me. While I probably could forgive my husband if he cheated, I could never trust him again. And trust is important to me in a marriage. I married later than most people, and that is because I was content to NEVER get married if I didn't meet someone I felt I could trust.

I don't care what other people decide. Everyone has their own circumstances and priorities. Some women are financially dependent on their husbands. It makes it all more complicated, I'm sure. Other people value different things in a marriage. Fine, to each her own.

But the trust issue is central to me. And again, while I could probably forgive, I wouldn't be able to trust.

[Anonymous]

If my wife has a one-off affair, I'd rather not know as long as she practiced safe sex. On an ongoing basis, I'd like to know so we could work on our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your counselor. From a practical point of view, you never tell unless some reason forces you to (like you discover you contracted an STD). This isn't about my conscience. If I don't know something I have no reason to take action. Once I know, I will never get it out of my head. When I am 80 I'll probably be thinking about it. There is no way that normal can be restored even if you're forgiven. I was cheated on by my first wife. No thought required, I divorced her. The harm has been done. Don't go breaking up other marriages by telling his wife that you banged her husband. Something about a lot of women needing to confess such crap. In this area, take a cue from men- take it to the grave.

NP - you do understand PP that your position means that if your spouse was cheating, no one should tell you because you're saying you shouldn't know.

Is that really how you feel if you were the one being cheated on?

I don't believe for a moment that people who say this wouldn't want to know if they were being cheated on. I think this is largely the position of past and current cheaters and that THIS is where the major rationalizing comes in. Why is it ever preferable to live a lie without one person knowing? If one spouse thinks there is monogamous commitment and the other cheats, even if the cheating is over it's still living a lie. Why is that ever ok?

The whole entire reason cheating is painful and turbulent if discovered is because it's one of the biggest violations of trust. Only the person clearest about not wanting to cheat again comes clean, because coming clean risks everything (never know how cheated spouse will react). Not telling is NOT doing your spouse a favor. It's trying to cover your own ass and often about maintains the other relationship(s) without losing your spouse.

Why must you believe that everyone considers cheating some type of fate worse than death? I am on the other side of you. It's sex, yes it is a big deal, and I wouldn't be thrilled to find out DW screwed around on me. But DW has slept with men other than me before we met, so it is not like there is something unique about her having sex with someone other than me. I would much rather find out she cheated than she had a secret gambling addiction and drained the kids college funds, for example.

So count me as someone who really wouldn't want to know. We are otherwise happy, and her confession would do nothing other than force me to deal with something I would rather not deal with.

On the other hand, if she did tell me she cheated, I would have the same opportunity, right?