Is a cheated-on spouse better off knowing or not knowing?

[Anonymous]

Black and white is for boring fools. Life is a thousand shades of grey and that's what makes it beautiful .

People who are black and white never really get to know other people's deepest issues and therefore are never totally trusted . They are aquaintences but not blood brothers.

[Anonymous]

I'd want to know for sure. I'm not sticking around with someone who decided to cheat. Too many good people out there to waste time with someone who doesn't respect me and our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Cheating is made worse by coverups and/or lies of omission. Throw in major cowardice, and you have an example of someone with poor judgment and character. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just cause it's bullshit for you, doesn't mean it is for anyone else. As long as you and your wife are on the same page, that's all that matters.

9/10 times the "you did this and LIED about it" is just a way of throwing the book at them and loading up the charges. Nothing more. The cheated on spouse would not be like 'oh, you told me, so it's all good'. The only people like this are people with "understandings" and open marriages. Do some people forgive and move beyond an affair? Yes, absolutely, but I don't believe for a minute that someone who asked for a monogamous commitment and was then cheated on is all "oh, you were up front about it so it's all good".

Anonymous wrote:And did you really mean to call your former wife a tar baby? Really??

Clearly you have no experience trying to negotiate in good faith with a chronically negative (depressed) passive aggressive person, or the metaphor would have perfect pitch. I'm the fool for having played the game for so long.

[Anonymous]

I've lived through being cheated on and lied to, and as nightmarish as it is to work through, I still want to know.

I want to live an authentic life, no matter how painful, and if I'm living with someone who's lying to me about such a thing, that person is making the narrative of my life a lie.

The hardest part of being cheated on is looking back at times when you thought you and your partner were happy and close and open together, and then realizing that their words were lies, and they were betraying you. Your reality was not real. I don't want to be with someone who believes they have a right to define my reality.

This is a personal preference, and varies by situation. I only speak for myself. Any partner I'm with knows this is how I see things.

[Anonymous]

It's a difficult issue. There are some people who legitimately and for good reason would not want to know. The existence of such people, however, gives many cheaters cover not to confess to spouses who might well want to know.

I am a DH, and I would much rather know; I have no interest in living a lie, among other reasons. But I can understand why others might make different choices. It's a tough issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've lived through being cheated on and lied to, and as nightmarish as it is to work through, I still want to know.

I want to live an authentic life, no matter how painful, and if I'm living with someone who's lying to me about such a thing, that person is making the narrative of my life a lie.

The hardest part of being cheated on is looking back at times when you thought you and your partner were happy and close and open together, and then realizing that their words were lies, and they were betraying you. Your reality was not real. I don't want to be with someone who believes they have a right to define my reality.

This is a personal preference, and varies by situation. I only speak for myself. Any partner I'm with knows this is how I see things.

+1 Exactly

[Anonymous]

i value honesty, transparency, and authenticity above all else.

so yes i'd want to know.

however i would never stay with a cheater.

[Anonymous]

I'd rather not know, if it was just recreational rather than a potential marriage-ender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i value honesty, transparency, and authenticity above all else.

so yes i'd want to know.

however i would never stay with a cheater.

You may say that now, but in reality, unless you have been through it and had to make that choice..you never know. never say never and all that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i value honesty, transparency, and authenticity above all else.

so yes i'd want to know.

however i would never stay with a cheater.

You may say that now, but in reality, unless you have been through it and had to make that choice..you never know. never say never and all that

I agree with this. My spouse has never cheated, but if he did, I'd have to really evaluate the weight of my ego and pride against the blowing up my children's entire world and sense of security.

I have no idea how I would react, but whatever it was, I would hope that I would keep my kids a priority aND certainly go to marriage counseling and find out the root of the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anything that doesn't threaten the security and financial foundation of the family, I don't need to know about. I was very explicit with my DH about that before we married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I explicitly told my husband that if he ever has a one- or two-night stand that means nothing to him, and if STDs are not involved, and if there's no chance I'll find out some other way, then I hope he is smart enough to cover it up well because I don't want to know. I expect to be protected from this information.

Mind you, we aren't talking about life-altering love affairs. Just about fucks.

What if there is baby from one of the fucks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I explicitly told my husband that if he ever has a one- or two-night stand that means nothing to him, and if STDs are not involved, and if there's no chance I'll find out some other way, then I hope he is smart enough to cover it up well because I don't want to know. I expect to be protected from this information.

Mind you, we aren't talking about life-altering love affairs. Just about fucks.

What if there is baby from one of the fucks?

It means some grown ass adult is too stupid to know how to use birth control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I explicitly told my husband that if he ever has a one- or two-night stand that means nothing to him, and if STDs are not involved, and if there's no chance I'll find out some other way, then I hope he is smart enough to cover it up well because I don't want to know. I expect to be protected from this information.

Mind you, we aren't talking about life-altering love affairs. Just about fucks.

What if there is baby from one of the fucks?

See above "if there's no chance I'll find out some other way." A baby is a bit difficult to keep secret, and it also undermines our financial security.