Is a cheated-on spouse better off knowing or not knowing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not want to know. Either way I am not leaving him, so it would be nice to continue to think he was faithful to me

This is my DH's position. He's not going to leave, so I am very discreet so as to not overtly humiliate him. He's in a lot of denial around our sexual relationship and unwilling to face our issues, and I am unwilling to break up the family. Probably my desire for sex will diminish by the time I'm 60 (right?).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not want to know. Either way I am not leaving him, so it would be nice to continue to think he was faithful to me

This is my DH's position. He's not going to leave, so I am very discreet so as to not overtly humiliate him. He's in a lot of denial around our sexual relationship and unwilling to face our issues, and I am unwilling to break up the family. Probably my desire for sex will diminish by the time I'm 60 (right?).

That only works if the cheated on spouse is clear they're not leaving. Frankly, even if you've been married for 20 years, I don't think the other spouse is in a position to "conclude" that the cheated on spouse will not leave THEREFORE it's not a good idea to confess the cheating. Only if your spouse has actually said "Even if you cheat, I'm not leaving" (which is highly doubtful since you've said he's in denial about a lot of things), then it's not your call to decide he won't leave if he finds out.

Anyway, I'm clear I WOULD leave. So to me, only in a situation where the cheated on spouse has been clear that they're staying no matter what, only then do you consider not telling. Otherwise it's such an egregious violation of trust and respect, you don't get to determine "what is best" for the cheated on spouse. You should be finding the tiniest bit of respect and dignity and truthfullness you have and telling your spouse who they're really married to. Let them decide if you're worth staying with or not. Infuriating that you think you get to decide by hiding the cheating.

As for when friends/loved ones find out that a spouse is cheating, if it is absolutely certain the cheating is happening (or a lot of reason to conclude it is), I would always share my concerns or certainty with the cheated on spouse. I believe in the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I would want to know, and I'd be devastated if a loved one or close friend knew I was being cheated on and didn't tell me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your counselor. From a practical point of view, you never tell unless some reason forces you to (like you discover you contracted an STD). This isn't about my conscience. If I don't know something I have no reason to take action. Once I know, I will never get it out of my head. When I am 80 I'll probably be thinking about it. There is no way that normal can be restored even if you're forgiven. I was cheated on by my first wife. No thought required, I divorced her. The harm has been done. Don't go breaking up other marriages by telling his wife that you banged her husband. Something about a lot of women needing to confess such crap. In this area, take a cue from men- take it to the grave.

NP - you do understand PP that your position means that if your spouse was cheating, no one should tell you because you're saying you shouldn't know.

Is that really how you feel if you were the one being cheated on?

I don't believe for a moment that people who say this wouldn't want to know if they were being cheated on. I think this is largely the position of past and current cheaters and that THIS is where the major rationalizing comes in. Why is it ever preferable to live a lie without one person knowing? If one spouse thinks there is monogamous commitment and the other cheats, even if the cheating is over it's still living a lie. Why is that ever ok?

The whole entire reason cheating is painful and turbulent if discovered is because it's one of the biggest violations of trust. Only the person clearest about not wanting to cheat again comes clean, because coming clean risks everything (never know how cheated spouse will react). Not telling is NOT doing your spouse a favor. It's trying to cover your own ass and often about maintains the other relationship(s) without losing your spouse.

Why must you believe that everyone considers cheating some type of fate worse than death? I am on the other side of you. It's sex, yes it is a big deal, and I wouldn't be thrilled to find out DW screwed around on me. But DW has slept with men other than me before we met, so it is not like there is something unique about her having sex with someone other than me. I would much rather find out she cheated than she had a secret gambling addiction and drained the kids college funds, for example.

So count me as someone who really wouldn't want to know. We are otherwise happy, and her confession would do nothing other than force me to deal with something I would rather not deal with.

On the other hand, if she did tell me she cheated, I would have the same opportunity, right?

This thread is not about judging the health or lack thereof of other people's relationships. All I can say is, if you'd have to deal with it if you knew, and you'd rather avoid it, that speaks volumes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your counselor. From a practical point of view, you never tell unless some reason forces you to (like you discover you contracted an STD). This isn't about my conscience. If I don't know something I have no reason to take action. Once I know, I will never get it out of my head. When I am 80 I'll probably be thinking about it. There is no way that normal can be restored even if you're forgiven. I was cheated on by my first wife. No thought required, I divorced her. The harm has been done. Don't go breaking up other marriages by telling his wife that you banged her husband. Something about a lot of women needing to confess such crap. In this area, take a cue from men- take it to the grave.

NP - you do understand PP that your position means that if your spouse was cheating, no one should tell you because you're saying you shouldn't know.

Is that really how you feel if you were the one being cheated on?

I don't believe for a moment that people who say this wouldn't want to know if they were being cheated on. I think this is largely the position of past and current cheaters and that THIS is where the major rationalizing comes in. Why is it ever preferable to live a lie without one person knowing? If one spouse thinks there is monogamous commitment and the other cheats, even if the cheating is over it's still living a lie. Why is that ever ok?

The whole entire reason cheating is painful and turbulent if discovered is because it's one of the biggest violations of trust. Only the person clearest about not wanting to cheat again comes clean, because coming clean risks everything (never know how cheated spouse will react). Not telling is NOT doing your spouse a favor. It's trying to cover your own ass and often about maintains the other relationship(s) without losing your spouse.

Why must you believe that everyone considers cheating some type of fate worse than death? I am on the other side of you. It's sex, yes it is a big deal, and I wouldn't be thrilled to find out DW screwed around on me. But DW has slept with men other than me before we met, so it is not like there is something unique about her having sex with someone other than me. I would much rather find out she cheated than she had a secret gambling addiction and drained the kids college funds, for example.

So count me as someone who really wouldn't want to know. We are otherwise happy, and her confession would do nothing other than force me to deal with something I would rather not deal with.

On the other hand, if she did tell me she cheated, I would have the same opportunity, right?

This thread is not about judging the health or lack thereof of other people's relationships. All I can say is, if you'd have to deal with it if you knew, and you'd rather avoid it, that speaks volumes.

Jeez, why is this so hard for you to comprehend? Some people don't consider their spouse cheating to be some penultimate sin. I would also not really want to eavesdrop on my wife complaining to her best friend that the sex we had last night wasn't great.

We have a family. Kids that depend on their parents. I really doubt I would leave if she cheated, unless it was some years long affair coupled with her admission she hated me or something. So given the choice of me staying in a relationship blissfully unaware of my DWs one-off transgression, or staying in the relationship but feeling extremely hurt and burdened with the knowledge of something that wouldn't otherwise affect me if I didn't know, I would chose not to know and carry on with my happy family life.

[Anonymous]

Years ago, I cheated. I'm certainly not proud of it, but my reason (in retrospect) was to create a crisis to get out of my marriage. Someone told my then-husband, and he threw me down the stairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Years ago, I cheated. I'm certainly not proud of it, but my reason (in retrospect) was to create a crisis to get out of my marriage. Someone told my then-husband, and he threw me down the stairs.

Not condoning what he did, but men feel much differently than women when cheated on - it is a total blow to their masculinity - was the other guy's penis bigger? Did she think he was better in bed? Generalizing a bit, but with women it seems that there issue is more emotional - was my husband falling in love with another woman?

[Anonymous]

Is a cheated-on spouse better off knowing or not knowing?
Way too many factors and variables to get a definitive answer on this. Every person is different and every relationship is different there's no "one size fits all" way to handle cheating.

[Anonymous]

It's one of the basic questions people should ask each other early in a relationship, along with clarifying how they feel about monogamy and what they consider to be cheating.

Personally, I want to know. I want to have the choice about whether I'm in a monogamous relationship, not have it made for me. I want to create my reality, not live someone else's lie. It's hard to make wise choices when you're missing important pieces of information.

I speak from experience, sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm launching this thread hoping for a thoughtful discussion, not dismissive or judgmental remarks about other people's big mistakes in life. This discussion comes up in various threads on cheating - some people think it's better for the spouse to know, and some people say the spouse probably already does know and is making the choice to stay, and some people say it's not the place of the cheater-with-regrets to inform the spouse that she's married to a cheater. I find all of those comments spectacularly unhelpful and would hope someone would not make the big decision to inform a wife of her cheating husband based on some throw-away remarks on an anonymous forum. But I would still like to consider, in a less venomous way, what is in a spouse's best interests.

In my past I briefly cheated and made the decision to end it and come clean to my husband. Our marriage nearly collapsed but did endure; most of the shock waves settled down within a year though I'm sure there will always be some issues. You can't just wave a magic wand and make big mistakes go away.

But at the time, when I was receiving counseling during and after the crisis, my counselor scolded me soundly for telling my husband. She said it was my cross to bear, that telling him was just meant to ease my own conscience but it transferred a big burden on to him, that if I were genuinely concerned about him I should have protected my marriage in the first place, and since I didn't, I shouldn't have made things worse by telling him something that would rock our marriage and his ego. I should have made things better by living a better life, not trying to hope that coming clean would erase some of the damage.

And yet my husband, distressed as he was, said he definitely preferred to know than never to have known. And I didn't see how I could go on for the rest of our lives keeping a big secret; to me, that would be continuing a deception and worsening the damage, whether or not he would ever find out.

I still don't know. And I still sometimes think about it in relation to the wife of the man I cheated with. I sometimes wonder if she would be better off knowing she's married to a cheater and if I should tell her, or just mind my own business and do no further harm to that marriage than I've already done. I seriously don't think I would ever tell her, because I really want the past to remain in the past for my own sake. I know the guy has been with other people before me and was looking for other women after me. But it's not my problem any more. As I see it, the best thing I can do is just move on and try to live a good life. Maybe the occasional thought about contacting her is just my conscience rearing its ugly head again and wanting to find more peace, and I have to realize I can only find peace within myself, not by making things uglier around me.

I would appreciate reflections from others who have been in a similar situation, either as one cheated on or one who cheated in the past and regrets it.

For me, your counselor is professionally incompetent. Any counselor who takes such a disempowering view of the cheated on spouse and who advocates continuing to lie in a marriage ought to be fired. My counselor also told me this, and I told him very clearly I would want to know. The don't tell, it just burdens the spouse view also really lets the cheater off the hook -- the cheater has to do a LOT more work when he/she comes fully clean. Conveniently, if the other person doesn't know, then the work to "restore" the relationship is minimal.

We were in counseling due to my husband's cheating. Now exDH really was never able to come clean about his cheating. He didn't know I knew as much as I knew. Thus, we ended up splitting because it is impossible to re-establish trust in an atmosphere of lies and gas lighting. He seemed to be heartbroken when I finally kicked him out, although by the end, I didn't even believe that anymore.

[Anonymous]

I would rather not know. If it was a one time thing, never to happen again, then I'd rather not have to endure the pain of such a situation for what amounts to a one time mistake.

If it's ongoing, that's a different story. But if my otherwise loving and faithful spouse got drunk on a business trip out of town, slept with someone who was never to be seen or heard from again... I'd rather just not know.

[Anonymous]

Statistically, if a woman cheats the man will leave - no questions. But, if a man cheats women tend to try and rebuild. What would I do? I can't say. I haven't crossed that bridge in 20 years of marriage and hope I never do. Fidelity means a lot to both of us however I would never say "never" you just don't know what curve ball might come your way. Would I want to know. Hum.. immediately probably yes, after passage of time with a one night mistake probably not and on going affair, yes I would most likely leave. As for telling the man's wife, the only reason the "other woman" should tell the wife of the cheater is if the wife is in danger of health or bodily harm or if confronted (I would not lie for him).

All this being said, I believe in the 10 commandments and if you go around breaking them you will pay for your sins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's one of the basic questions people should ask each other early in a relationship, along with clarifying how they feel about monogamy and what they consider to be cheating.

Personally, I want to know. I want to have the choice about whether I'm in a monogamous relationship, not have it made for me. I want to create my reality, not live someone else's lie. It's hard to make wise choices when you're missing important pieces of information.

I speak from experience, sadly.

+1 Absolutely.

[Anonymous]

If my wife cheated, I would never want to know. However, I would not totally rule out an open marriage. Can understand the need to try something different, but the lying and secrets is what would kill me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's one of the basic questions people should ask each other early in a relationship, along with clarifying how they feel about monogamy and what they consider to be cheating.

Personally, I want to know. I want to have the choice about whether I'm in a monogamous relationship, not have it made for me. I want to create my reality, not live someone else's lie. It's hard to make wise choices when you're missing important pieces of information.

I speak from experience, sadly.

+1 Absolutely.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

OP to answer your original question ~ it is your burden. Don't make it your spouse's burden. If you are committed to not making the same mistake ever again - don't tell - it's only hurtful. If cheating were a repeated problem, then certainly spouse needs to know to be able to choose a course of action.