Son only cousin excluded from nephew's wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think that what this is really about is this:

"My son is an only child and I had hoped he would have strong ties with his cousins, though they are all a bit older than him."

The reason you're upset is that you've realized that hasn't happened. They don't have an amazing, special, sibling-like bond as you'd hoped. He's just... their much-younger cousin. And it's TOTALLY reasonable to be really, really disappointed about that, and for this wedding to be the catalyst that makes you realize that what you'd hoped for (despite your efforts and financial support) has not come to fruition. We all have hopes, some spoken, some unspoken, some realistic, some not, that don't come true. And accepting that they haven't can be really hard and can even sometimes shatter our worldview in a way that's really hard to move past. But, especially when your hopes include expectations of other people that they haven't agreed to, or maybe haven't even known about, you need to let go and move on. There's an aspect to getting past those hopes that can include anger and grief. And I think that's where you are. And if you need a little time to fully get past it, that's okay.

Op again - this is accurate. Another part that hurts and isn't reflected is that this nephew in particular is the one cousin who does take an interest in my son.

So it sounds EXTREMELY unlikely that this is some sort of purposeful exclusion of your child. This nephew loves you, you have a good relationship with him, he goes out of his way to be kind to your son. That’s great. But he and his bride are making decisions that go way beyond your family. Maybe she has 30+ cousins who are under 16 and maybe they have lots of friends who have young kids and they just don’t want to (or cannot afford to) include that large of a hoard. 16 seems like a very logical cutoff age to me…it’s legal driving age, the age of going to proms, wearing tuxedos, doing more formal things. But NINE is a whole different story.

Can you imagine how awkward and horrible it would be if your 9 year old was included but all the kids of similar age of the couple’s friends and all of her extended family were not included? How are they going to explain that? “Well, yes, we said no kids, but he would have been the only first cousin on the groom’s side who was left out and also the groom’s aunt is really kind and generous and traveled from out of state so they are kind of extra special to us unlike your family.”

It’s really not personal, OP. I know it feels thoughtless, but given your closeness with your nephew and his kindness to your son, it makes no sense that they are specifically excluding him. They’re not. It’s just a kid-free wedding.

Here’s what I would suggest.

First, this is a big family event and it’s your nephew…of course you should go! Will there be other family gatherings over the wedding weekend? In my family, we usually have a big dinner the night before, a breakfast the day of, a brunch the day after…Will there be other chances for your son to be with his cousins? If so, I’d bring him and have him stay at the hotel while you are at the reception, but bring him along to all the other events. Can you talk about that with your sister?

[Anonymous]

Don’t go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think that what this is really about is this:

"My son is an only child and I had hoped he would have strong ties with his cousins, though they are all a bit older than him."

The reason you're upset is that you've realized that hasn't happened. They don't have an amazing, special, sibling-like bond as you'd hoped. He's just... their much-younger cousin. And it's TOTALLY reasonable to be really, really disappointed about that, and for this wedding to be the catalyst that makes you realize that what you'd hoped for (despite your efforts and financial support) has not come to fruition. We all have hopes, some spoken, some unspoken, some realistic, some not, that don't come true. And accepting that they haven't can be really hard and can even sometimes shatter our worldview in a way that's really hard to move past. But, especially when your hopes include expectations of other people that they haven't agreed to, or maybe haven't even known about, you need to let go and move on. There's an aspect to getting past those hopes that can include anger and grief. And I think that's where you are. And if you need a little time to fully get past it, that's okay.

Op again - this is accurate. Another part that hurts and isn't reflected is that this nephew in particular is the one cousin who does take an interest in my son.

So it sounds EXTREMELY unlikely that this is some sort of purposeful exclusion of your child. This nephew loves you, you have a good relationship with him, he goes out of his way to be kind to your son. That’s great. But he and his bride are making decisions that go way beyond your family. Maybe she has 30+ cousins who are under 16 and maybe they have lots of friends who have young kids and they just don’t want to (or cannot afford to) include that large of a hoard. 16 seems like a very logical cutoff age to me…it’s legal driving age, the age of going to proms, wearing tuxedos, doing more formal things. But NINE is a whole different story.

Can you imagine how awkward and horrible it would be if your 9 year old was included but all the kids of similar age of the couple’s friends and all of her extended family were not included? How are they going to explain that? “Well, yes, we said no kids, but he would have been the only first cousin on the groom’s side who was left out and also the groom’s aunt is really kind and generous and traveled from out of state so they are kind of extra special to us unlike your family.”

It’s really not personal, OP. I know it feels thoughtless, but given your closeness with your nephew and his kindness to your son, it makes no sense that they are specifically excluding him. They’re not. It’s just a kid-free wedding.

Here’s what I would suggest.

First, this is a big family event and it’s your nephew…of course you should go! Will there be other family gatherings over the wedding weekend? In my family, we usually have a big dinner the night before, a breakfast the day of, a brunch the day after…Will there be other chances for your son to be with his cousins? If so, I’d bring him and have him stay at the hotel while you are at the reception, but bring him along to all the other events. Can you talk about that with your sister?

Imagine how upset he is going to be when he is excluded from the women only bridal shower or baby shower.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t go and I think I’d send a card, no gift. If it’s raised to you by your sibling I’d tell them exactly why.

Weddings can either be some sort of performance or a family event where you include the people who are important to you.

It’s crappy to have close the one cousin and the groom ought to speak up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just take your son anyway. It won't be a big deal.

No, please don't do this. If they have a seating arrangement where will he sit? Listen a 10 year is going to be bored at a wedding and he would rather be hanging out with boys his own age. I don't think you can leave a 10 year old alone at a hotel. I think that OP should just decide is this the hill she wants to die on for family? Child-free weddings are now the norm. Yes, but the bride and groom had a cutoff. But I can feel her pain. And she has a right to have her feelings hurt. What she plans to do is up to her.

Good luck. And I seriously mean this OP, please wish the bride and groom a very happy future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I traveled from Seattle to Princeton NJ for my first cousin's wedding. We actually lived together as kids for a few years. My mother had money, his did not, so we took them in so we were more like brothers than cousins

I only learned we werent invited to the rehearsal dinner about 3 hours before it started.

So, my wife and I traveled 2386 miles, and three time zones, to literally sit in our hotel room while the dinner went on.

We went to the wedding the next day and took the first flight back the next morning. I sent them some towels and never spoke to them again. That was 2000.

They did reach out about 6 or 7 years ago asking if their son could stay with us while touring UW. I never answered him.

This is incredibly sad to me. You ended a relationship with a cousin that you used to be close with just because their traditions around rehearsal dinners are different than yours?

In some families, the rehearsal dinner is for literally just the people in the wedding party. In other families, it includes specific categories of people, like siblings of the parents of the couple but not cousins or friends beyond the wedding party. In some families the expectation is you feed anyone who comes from out of town.

It seems like the couple just didn’t have the kind of rehearsal that included everyone from out of town. I can see how that would be a surprise if you expected it or a disappointment if you thought you’d be more appreciated for traveling that far…but to never speak to them again?????

I think back to mt first cousin’s wedding when I was in my 20s. She was really into wedding magazines and wedding etiquette and she had a huge gaggle of bridesmaids, not including me, which hurt my feelings a bit because one of her maternal first cousins was included. Their rehearsal dinner only included the bridal party and parents of the couple. But more than 10 of my uncles and aunts had flown in from out of the country, and then my dad heard that they weren’t all invited to the rehearsal, he was appalled that his brother (my uncle) had been so rude. My uncle, who was just going a long with what his wife and daughter said to do, which was what the bridal magazines said to do, only invited the people who were IN the rehearsal. So my dad ended up hosting a big dinner at another restaurant that night for all his siblings who had flown in from out of town.

It wasn’t a personal slight…it just was different expectations. Imagine if family stopped speaking over that!!!! As it was, we had a blast and I have great memories of our alt-rehearsal dinner. But if we had all taken it personally, we’d have missed out on decades of good memories at other big family occasions since then.

I hope you can reconcile with your cousin. That’s really sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is 9. He has several cousins scattered around the country, with three living in Texas. My oldest nephew, who I am closest to, is getting married in June. The wedding is 16+. All the other cousins will be able to attend, except my son. I have given this nephew a lot of financial support and gifts in the past - probably 15k over the last ten years. Now, I don't even want to go to the wedding because my kid is the only one from my nephew's side of the family being excluded. Plus, if we travel for the wedding, we would have to find a sitter in a city far from home while everyone we know in the city is at the wedding.

I may be more sensitive to this because my son is an only child and I had hoped he would have strong ties with his cousins, though they are all a bit older than him. But now I want to just cut go no-contact with this nephew.

Am I overreacting? Should we go to the wedding and pretend we aren't offended? Should the value of the wedding gift reflect how upset I am?

I read a few pages of replies and I want to ask the people sticking by the age cutoff: if the groom or bride had a 9 yr old sibling, should they not include them or should they invite all the other little kids so they are not offended by the 9 yr old that they invited?

Not including close family bc of an age cutoff is dumb.

The only thing i can think of is that the bride and groom are total ifiots snd will hopefully outgrow their silliness, but it’ll be after the wedding of course.

A groom’s 9 year old first cousin is not remotely the same as a 9 year old sibling of the bride or groom. Come on, don’t be obtuse. I think you can have some kids invited but not all as long as people are being treated equally. Including under 18 siblings of the bride and groom is fine, but it is also fine to say no under 18 first cousins, kids of friends, etc.

I’m looking at the situation for what it is. It’s impossible that the bride and groom have 9 yr old first cousins galore. If they have such a large family with lots of first cousins then they’ll be one of those real tight kind of families. I don’t know how many ppl in the op’s generation, but if there are 4 extra per side with 3 kids each that is 24 first cousins. From these there can’t be that many under 16, so let’s say half = 12 under 16. That’s not that many ppl. Op should tell us how many under 16 are in the first cousin pool. If they’re not wanting to invite 2nd, 3rd, cousins, friends kids etc, it’s fine. Making a rule by age is stupid. The 9 yr old sibling example was an exaggeration yo illustrate how quickly an age based cutoff falls apart.

As op said she thought she was close with this nephew. Some of you think that $15k is nothing, and sure, it’s not exorbitant, and if you think that $15k is nothing then inviting some under 16s is not going to break your bank.

As op said, the affection and relationship is not the same on both sides.

How is it impossible for a couple in their 20’s to have a bunch of kids under 16 who’d go to their weddings if kids in general were included? They likely have peers who have kids by then, an certainly one side might have more first cousins than another. My wedding is a ridiculous extreme example, but my husband has literally zero first cousins (he has only one aunt and she was childless) while my mom was one of six and my dad was one of sixteen, so I have more than 50 first cousins. I can certainly see a couple having a handful on one side but 10-15 on the other side, plus kids of peers…that’s a LOT of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I traveled from Seattle to Princeton NJ for my first cousin's wedding. We actually lived together as kids for a few years. My mother had money, his did not, so we took them in so we were more like brothers than cousins

I only learned we werent invited to the rehearsal dinner about 3 hours before it started.

So, my wife and I traveled 2386 miles, and three time zones, to literally sit in our hotel room while the dinner went on.

We went to the wedding the next day and took the first flight back the next morning. I sent them some towels and never spoke to them again. That was 2000.

They did reach out about 6 or 7 years ago asking if their son could stay with us while touring UW. I never answered him.

This is incredibly sad to me. You ended a relationship with a cousin that you used to be close with just because their traditions around rehearsal dinners are different than yours?

In some families, the rehearsal dinner is for literally just the people in the wedding party. In other families, it includes specific categories of people, like siblings of the parents of the couple but not cousins or friends beyond the wedding party. In some families the expectation is you feed anyone who comes from out of town.

It seems like the couple just didn’t have the kind of rehearsal that included everyone from out of town. I can see how that would be a surprise if you expected it or a disappointment if you thought you’d be more appreciated for traveling that far…but to never speak to them again?????

I think back to mt first cousin’s wedding when I was in my 20s. She was really into wedding magazines and wedding etiquette and she had a huge gaggle of bridesmaids, not including me, which hurt my feelings a bit because one of her maternal first cousins was included. Their rehearsal dinner only included the bridal party and parents of the couple. But more than 10 of my uncles and aunts had flown in from out of the country, and then my dad heard that they weren’t all invited to the rehearsal, he was appalled that his brother (my uncle) had been so rude. My uncle, who was just going a long with what his wife and daughter said to do, which was what the bridal magazines said to do, only invited the people who were IN the rehearsal. So my dad ended up hosting a big dinner at another restaurant that night for all his siblings who had flown in from out of town.

It wasn’t a personal slight…it just was different expectations. Imagine if family stopped speaking over that!!!! As it was, we had a blast and I have great memories of our alt-rehearsal dinner. But if we had all taken it personally, we’d have missed out on decades of good memories at other big family occasions since then.

I hope you can reconcile with your cousin. That’s really sad.

If everyone in the family went but them, they aren't family. I would do the same thing.

[Anonymous]

OP, decline the invite. No need to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people saying you’re overreacting are wrong.

However, I don’t think you should go no contact. Simply RSVP no and buy something cheap from the registry as a gift.

This^.

Go no contact?!?!? With a nephew? Just because a couple prefers an adult-only wedding?!? That is absolutely bonkers!

(And I like kids at weddings…but why is someone taking it personally when it is a blanket decision, not specifically excluding her child and her child only?!)

Totally agree. Op, I think you’re overreacting. Weddings are super stressful compromise events with a lot going on. If you can’t go, send sincere regrets. But it’s worth asking the local family if there is a trusted baby sitter for your son. He will enjoy seeing the rest of the family at the other events. We did this in 2021 with my kids and their cousins wedding (my kids are the youngest in a large cousin cohort). Because your son is so much younger, he’s never going to be on the same page as his cousins. But that could be a good thing. Imagine he goes to Rice and how nice it will be for him to have adult cousins where he can go for Thanksgiving meal if he can’t get home for break. Or his first job in Chicago and maybe he needs to crash with one of his grown up cousins in their guest room until he can find a place. Or a national emergency shuts down air travel and you can’t pick him up from college, but one of his older cousins can drive to get him so he’s not alone. We’ve had all of this happen in my family. My daughter in college is 19 years younger than her cousin that lives 15 minutes away from her college, and he has made clear she always has a bed and meal there if she needs it. I think you just need to reframe your expectations for how your son can be “close” to his cousins. It’s gojng yo look different due to the age gap but it can still be very nice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I traveled from Seattle to Princeton NJ for my first cousin's wedding. We actually lived together as kids for a few years. My mother had money, his did not, so we took them in so we were more like brothers than cousins

I only learned we werent invited to the rehearsal dinner about 3 hours before it started.

So, my wife and I traveled 2386 miles, and three time zones, to literally sit in our hotel room while the dinner went on.

We went to the wedding the next day and took the first flight back the next morning. I sent them some towels and never spoke to them again. That was 2000.

They did reach out about 6 or 7 years ago asking if their son could stay with us while touring UW. I never answered him.

You expected to be invited to your cousin’s rehearsal dinner (even though you had no role in the wedding) because your mom had helped his mom out when you were young? Some of you really need to get some help for your pettiness and main character syndrome.

DP. I don't know your culture but in middle class whitebread weddings, out of town family that travelled great distances are ALWAYS invited to the rehearsal dinner. Rehearsal dinners have not been just for the wedding party since about 1982.

This.

I’m middle class white bread and I’ve never seen out of town guests that aren’t in the wedding party to be invited to the rehearsal dinner. Usually those folks all get together and have a much more laid back fun evening. The only people I know who invite everyone are my Jewish friends, who seem culturally compelled to feed everyone at basically every minute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP hasn’t mentioned the bride’s family at all. Is this wedding being put on by the bride’s family? My DH has a small family and I have a very large one. We had an 18+ cutoff because without it we would have had to invite 10 kids between the ages of 4 and 12 who are my much younger first cousins. If my DH had been like hey can we include my cousin Larlo who is 9, my mom would have been like we can’t include cousin Larlo while excluding the 10 young cousins on our side. Her big thing was the levels had to be equal. You can include young nieces and nephews while excluding young cousins because nieces and nephews are closer, but you can’t include some young 1st cousins while excluding other young 1st cousins. We had a capacity limit and couldn’t just add 10 young cousins without having to then exclude people that we were actually close to.

OP, this really isn’t a personal slight against you and you are centering yourself way too much in the planning of this wedding.

You each should be able to invite the same number of people outside parents and grandparents.

I feel like there’s no right answer. For me to invite just my siblings and their spouses and kids was like 25 people, plus I still had living grandparents. My spouse had no grandparents and no siblings. He had 2 cousins he sort of knew and a bunch more that he would not have recognized if he was standing in line with them at chipotle. His parents wanted to invite all sorts of people that he literally did not know who they were — I was going down the list and he was like “no idea…doesn’t ring a bell.” I just wasn’t interested in making my parents who were struggling financially pay for all those random people. So our lists were not even close and I know my MiL was pissed about it. But there were a lot of crappy hard decisions. Like we invited my dad’s cousin who he was really close to, but could not invite their four kids — they came and were really gracious about it.
I just feel like getting upset over this wedding stuff is understandable but not a reason to sever a relationship — weddings are like a weird moment out of time and people make decisions they wouldn’t make under different circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just take your son anyway. It won't be a big deal.

No, please don't do this. If they have a seating arrangement where will he sit? Listen a 10 year is going to be bored at a wedding and he would rather be hanging out with boys his own age. I don't think you can leave a 10 year old alone at a hotel. I think that OP should just decide is this the hill she wants to die on for family? Child-free weddings are now the norm. Yes, but the bride and groom had a cutoff. But I can feel her pain. And she has a right to have her feelings hurt. What she plans to do is up to her.

Good luck. And I seriously mean this OP, please wish the bride and groom a very happy future.

I guarantee that there will be other kids at that wedding. Someone will probably even bring a baby. Seriously, just ignore and take him. You're close family not some distant acquaintance they have to reciprocate wedding invites to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just take your son anyway. It won't be a big deal.

No, please don't do this. If they have a seating arrangement where will he sit? Listen a 10 year is going to be bored at a wedding and he would rather be hanging out with boys his own age. I don't think you can leave a 10 year old alone at a hotel. I think that OP should just decide is this the hill she wants to die on for family? Child-free weddings are now the norm. Yes, but the bride and groom had a cutoff. But I can feel her pain. And she has a right to have her feelings hurt. What she plans to do is up to her.

Good luck. And I seriously mean this OP, please wish the bride and groom a very happy future.

I guarantee that there will be other kids at that wedding. Someone will probably even bring a baby. Seriously, just ignore and take him. You're close family not some distant acquaintance they have to reciprocate wedding invites to.

I guess he can just sit on her lap at the assigned table. Great idea!

[Anonymous]

Short version: Yes, OP, you’re overreacting. You don’t even mention in your post if attending an out of town wedding for his much older cousin is something that your 9 year old son even wants to do.

In any case, I’m chiming in with the many voices urging you not to take an age cut-off personally, and not —even to yourself — link the invitation to your past generosity.

In your place, I would get whatever nice gift I would have given anyway, and have it shipped. You and your immediate family can then decide who wants to take the trip for an adults only wedding, then plan from there. Make sure that your son understands that even if he were able to attend the wedding and reception, it’s not likely that he would be able to spend much time with his cousin.

Most issues with kids and adult only weddings have to do with either behavior, expenses, or —rarely — rules about kids in places where alcohol is a focus. I say this because if those are the issues AND your son REALLY wants to go, it might be easier to wrangle a seat for a well-behaved 9 year old to the wedding ceremony, especially if it’s held at a church, than to the much more expensive reception where plates, seats, and heads are carefully counted. So I’d consider that an option. Your husband and son can leave to do fun things after the wedding service, and you can bring your son a slice of cake.