Son only cousin excluded from nephew's wedding

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why you would be willing to give someone $15k but not hire a babysitter. That seems crazy petty to me. Suggest a cousin gathering the day before or after.

[Anonymous]

Your feelings are understandable. But I promise you this has nothing to do with your son - 100% this is driven by the bride, overall guest count and a gaggle of kids she's trying to tactfully exclude. So she chose 16 as the cutoff. My own 9 yr old would have been fine to stay with a good friend for a night or two. But if you're not comfortable with your babysitting options then you go alone or not at all. Then move past this.

This. If the bride and groom make an exception for OP's child, then it could be opening up a whole other unpleasant can of worms for the bride and her side of the family. Go alone and leave your kid home with your spouse. This is not worth having a fit over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. You’re keeping track of the value of gifts and “financial support” you’ve been giving the groom over the years? Not only kinda petty but irrelevant.

Well, the money wasn't irrelevant to him. It helped him pay for college. And it doesn't require a ton of keeping track as three items were large checks that could quickly be totaled in my head.

$15000 over 15 years is a pittance.

You must have a generous family. Note that the OP actually said 10 years. I’ve never given my nephews or nieces $15,000 over a period of 10 years. My aunts and uncles never gave me $15,000 over a period of 10 years. It seems significant to me.

Here’s an outsider perspective. On one hand, it’s weird that OP is keeping track and going tit for tat. I hate when people bring up favors that they willingly did for you. If you choose to give someone something, then that’s on you. You assume the risk that they might not reciprocate your generosity in the future. On the other hand, it is a little selfish that the nephew can’t make an exception for someone who chose to help him when she had no obligation to (especially if he asked her for it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand why you're upset, but you're majorly overreacting.

You're centering yourself and your experience, which is natural, but they aren't! They're planning an event for probably 100-200 people. They decided no children. Maybe because that's the vibe they want, maybe because there are some children (of friends, of her family) that would be really poorly behaved, maybe as a cost cutting measure. There are many totally understandable reasons for not inviting kids, and making exceptions can create major problems for the couple. You're seeing it as one extra person - but it could easily mean 20 extra guests, between your family, her family, and their friends. It's not about you or your son!

I think that what this is really about is this:

"My son is an only child and I had hoped he would have strong ties with his cousins, though they are all a bit older than him."

The reason you're upset is that you've realized that hasn't happened. They don't have an amazing, special, sibling-like bond as you'd hoped. He's just... their much-younger cousin. And it's TOTALLY reasonable to be really, really disappointed about that, and for this wedding to be the catalyst that makes you realize that what you'd hoped for (despite your efforts and financial support) has not come to fruition. We all have hopes, some spoken, some unspoken, some realistic, some not, that don't come true. And accepting that they haven't can be really hard and can even sometimes shatter our worldview in a way that's really hard to move past. But, especially when your hopes include expectations of other people that they haven't agreed to, or maybe haven't even known about, you need to let go and move on. There's an aspect to getting past those hopes that can include anger and grief. And I think that's where you are. And if you need a little time to fully get past it, that's okay.

But during that time, don't do anything that you'll regret down the line, or anything hurtful toward people who haven't done anything wrong. Figure out, via pure logistics, what makes the most sense as far as the wedding (Son comes with and hangs in the hotel? Stays with a friend? You go and he stays home with his dad?), put on a happy face for the wedding, give a normal amount as a gift (no need to go overboard, especially if you're feeling stung, but don't be stingy).

This PP is right, OP. Many of us understand your hurt. Ignore the haters focusing on other stuff. You are disappointed and that's understandable. Once you have processed a bit, just think about what works for your family. It might be not going and that's okay. But PP is right, until you are a little clearer, I wouldn't say anything. Don't want to regret words said in hurt (even if we understand why you are disappointed and hurt).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. You’re keeping track of the value of gifts and “financial support” you’ve been giving the groom over the years? Not only kinda petty but irrelevant.

Well, the money wasn't irrelevant to him. It helped him pay for college. And it doesn't require a ton of keeping track as three items were large checks that could quickly be totaled in my head.

$15000 over 15 years is a pittance.

You must have a generous family. Note that the OP actually said 10 years. I’ve never given my nephews or nieces $15,000 over a period of 10 years. My aunts and uncles never gave me $15,000 over a period of 10 years. It seems significant to me.

Here’s an outsider perspective. On one hand, it’s weird that OP is keeping track and going tit for tat. I hate when people bring up favors that they willingly did for you. If you choose to give someone something, then that’s on you. You assume the risk that they might not reciprocate your generosity in the future. On the other hand, it is a little selfish that the nephew can’t make an exception for someone who chose to help him when she had no obligation to (especially if he asked her for it).

Oh enough of all of you focuses on the money. OP brought it up as a signal that she felt close enough to this nephew to give financial support, which for most families I know, is not typical.

[Anonymous]

I’ve never understood the concept of completely child free weddings in the first place. (I do understand baby and toddler free weddings. They’re not going to remember it and are more likely to cry/have tantrums.) My wedding was alcohol free but not child free. We invited everyone 5+. I was more concerned about grown adults getting drunk, acting stupid, and ruining the day for everyone else. (I grew up with an alcoholic father, so the fear was not unfounded.)

Everyone can do what they want when it comes to their own wedding, though. Just sharing my perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never understood the concept of completely child free weddings in the first place. (I do understand baby and toddler free weddings. They’re not going to remember it and are more likely to cry/have tantrums.) My wedding was alcohol free but not child free. We invited everyone 5+. I was more concerned about grown adults getting drunk, acting stupid, and ruining the day for everyone else. (I grew up with an alcoholic father, so the fear was not unfounded.)

Everyone can do what they want when it comes to their own wedding, though. Just sharing my perspective.

You still had a cutoff though- it just sounds like the couple here had a different age cutoff than you. It could be for a number of reasons- maybe the venue isn't small kid-friendly, maybe there the capacity is limiting, maybe it's a cost issue. Maybe it's a combination of multiple factors. And yes maybe the bride and groom want to serve alcohol at their wedding.

[Anonymous]

I would never take something like this so personally. Young people just don’t understand or think about these things. A 9-year old would probably not enjoy a wedding either. I would still go.