Son only cousin excluded from nephew's wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I traveled from Seattle to Princeton NJ for my first cousin's wedding. We actually lived together as kids for a few years. My mother had money, his did not, so we took them in so we were more like brothers than cousins

I only learned we werent invited to the rehearsal dinner about 3 hours before it started.

So, my wife and I traveled 2386 miles, and three time zones, to literally sit in our hotel room while the dinner went on.

We went to the wedding the next day and took the first flight back the next morning. I sent them some towels and never spoke to them again. That was 2000.

They did reach out about 6 or 7 years ago asking if their son could stay with us while touring UW. I never answered him.

You expected to be invited to your cousin’s rehearsal dinner (even though you had no role in the wedding) because your mom had helped his mom out when you were young? Some of you really need to get some help for your pettiness and main character syndrome.

DP. I don't know your culture but in middle class whitebread weddings, out of town family that travelled great distances are ALWAYS invited to the rehearsal dinner. Rehearsal dinners have not been just for the wedding party since about 1982.

This.

+1 I've never even seen a cash bar in real life, just in tacky movies.

[Anonymous]

In my wedding, we had introduction ceremony, music ceremony, wedding, post wedding and family merger ceremony. Wedding and post wedding had 500 guests but other ceremonies had 50-100 guests. Groom's side paid for post wedding ceremony, my father paid for rest. That was the worst waste of money ever. I still regret why I let him waste his hard earned money to fulfill traditions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my wedding, we had introduction ceremony, music ceremony, wedding, post wedding and family merger ceremony. Wedding and post wedding had 500 guests but other ceremonies had 50-100 guests. Groom's side paid for post wedding ceremony, my father paid for rest. That was the worst waste of money ever. I still regret why I let him waste his hard earned money to fulfill traditions.

Agree. I think it’s perfectly fine that young couples want smaller events with close family and friends that fit their budget vs going into debt for antiquated traditions that say you have to invite your 2nd cousin’s small children to a rehearsal dinner, morning after brunch, and whatever other festivity distant family can dream up on someone else’s dime. Families are smaller and couples marry later, better to have simpler weddings and save for the first home and not feel forced to host a massive family reunion for your mom’s sister’s convenience.

[Anonymous]

Love the "It's my special day!" people on this thread. Like that trumps literally anything that would be considered rude on any other day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is 9. He has several cousins scattered around the country, with three living in Texas. My oldest nephew, who I am closest to, is getting married in June. The wedding is 16+. All the other cousins will be able to attend, except my son. I have given this nephew a lot of financial support and gifts in the past - probably 15k over the last ten years. Now, I don't even want to go to the wedding because my kid is the only one from my nephew's side of the family being excluded. Plus, if we travel for the wedding, we would have to find a sitter in a city far from home while everyone we know in the city is at the wedding.

I may be more sensitive to this because my son is an only child and I had hoped he would have strong ties with his cousins, though they are all a bit older than him. But now I want to just cut go no-contact with this nephew.

Am I overreacting? Should we go to the wedding and pretend we aren't offended? Should the value of the wedding gift reflect how upset I am?

I read a few pages of replies and I want to ask the people sticking by the age cutoff: if the groom or bride had a 9 yr old sibling, should they not include them or should they invite all the other little kids so they are not offended by the 9 yr old that they invited?

Not including close family bc of an age cutoff is dumb.

The only thing i can think of is that the bride and groom are total ifiots snd will hopefully outgrow their silliness, but it’ll be after the wedding of course.

A groom’s 9 year old first cousin is not remotely the same as a 9 year old sibling of the bride or groom. Come on, don’t be obtuse. I think you can have some kids invited but not all as long as people are being treated equally. Including under 18 siblings of the bride and groom is fine, but it is also fine to say no under 18 first cousins, kids of friends, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I traveled from Seattle to Princeton NJ for my first cousin's wedding. We actually lived together as kids for a few years. My mother had money, his did not, so we took them in so we were more like brothers than cousins

I only learned we werent invited to the rehearsal dinner about 3 hours before it started.

So, my wife and I traveled 2386 miles, and three time zones, to literally sit in our hotel room while the dinner went on.

We went to the wedding the next day and took the first flight back the next morning. I sent them some towels and never spoke to them again. That was 2000.

They did reach out about 6 or 7 years ago asking if their son could stay with us while touring UW. I never answered him.

You expected to be invited to your cousin’s rehearsal dinner (even though you had no role in the wedding) because your mom had helped his mom out when you were young? Some of you really need to get some help for your pettiness and main character syndrome.

DP. I don't know your culture but in middle class whitebread weddings, out of town family that travelled great distances are ALWAYS invited to the rehearsal dinner. Rehearsal dinners have not been just for the wedding party since about 1982.

Nope, I’m from a generic white MC/UMC family from the Northeast and there has never been an expectation that rehearsal dinners include all out of town guests. Even post 1982 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love the "It's my special day!" people on this thread. Like that trumps literally anything that would be considered rude on any other day.

This is wildly inaccurate. People throw parties or social events and don't invite children ALL THE TIME. Heck, I just had a bunch of neighborhood moms over for wine and snacks at 9pm a couple of weeks ago and if one of them had brought a CHILD I'd be pissed. People are allowed to choose their guest lists!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love the "It's my special day!" people on this thread. Like that trumps literally anything that would be considered rude on any other day.

It's a party. Go or don't go. And if you're going to complain about everything definitely don't go.

[Anonymous]

I get it. Our nephew didn’t invite us to his wedding. He was living in FL at the time and my SIL (his mom) called when they set the date and told me they were keeping it small and it was just immediate family. When the wedding pictures were shared, imagine my surprise to see my other SIL with her husband and kids. It was deeply hurtful since our nephew grew up 30 minutes away and we had been very involved (every bday, graduation, holiday and regular visits in between). I took the high road and didn’t say a word to him and his wife and we even sent a wedding gift. Over the years the hurt has faded and they relocated back to the area and we enjoy seeing them at events (but we don’t go out of our way). Another nephew got married and didn’t invite our kids (first cousins) who were older teens and young adults but we just split up and DH went alone. In that case, I could at least understand that he didn’t feel our kids were close since there’s a 12-16 year age gap and he grew up across the country. In your case, you have the option to not go. Nobody would blame you. But it seems reasonable that your son may have not made the cut simply based on age. It seems he is decades younger than his cousin and at least 7 years younger than the next cousin. It’s probably not a reflection on how he feels about you at all. They probably didn’t think it would upset your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is 9. He has several cousins scattered around the country, with three living in Texas. My oldest nephew, who I am closest to, is getting married in June. The wedding is 16+. All the other cousins will be able to attend, except my son. I have given this nephew a lot of financial support and gifts in the past - probably 15k over the last ten years. Now, I don't even want to go to the wedding because my kid is the only one from my nephew's side of the family being excluded. Plus, if we travel for the wedding, we would have to find a sitter in a city far from home while everyone we know in the city is at the wedding.

I may be more sensitive to this because my son is an only child and I had hoped he would have strong ties with his cousins, though they are all a bit older than him. But now I want to just cut go no-contact with this nephew.

Am I overreacting? Should we go to the wedding and pretend we aren't offended? Should the value of the wedding gift reflect how upset I am?

I read a few pages of replies and I want to ask the people sticking by the age cutoff: if the groom or bride had a 9 yr old sibling, should they not include them or should they invite all the other little kids so they are not offended by the 9 yr old that they invited?

Not including close family bc of an age cutoff is dumb.

The only thing i can think of is that the bride and groom are total ifiots snd will hopefully outgrow their silliness, but it’ll be after the wedding of course.

A groom’s 9 year old first cousin is not remotely the same as a 9 year old sibling of the bride or groom. Come on, don’t be obtuse. I think you can have some kids invited but not all as long as people are being treated equally. Including under 18 siblings of the bride and groom is fine, but it is also fine to say no under 18 first cousins, kids of friends, etc.

I’m looking at the situation for what it is. It’s impossible that the bride and groom have 9 yr old first cousins galore. If they have such a large family with lots of first cousins then they’ll be one of those real tight kind of families. I don’t know how many ppl in the op’s generation, but if there are 4 extra per side with 3 kids each that is 24 first cousins. From these there can’t be that many under 16, so let’s say half = 12 under 16. That’s not that many ppl. Op should tell us how many under 16 are in the first cousin pool. If they’re not wanting to invite 2nd, 3rd, cousins, friends kids etc, it’s fine. Making a rule by age is stupid. The 9 yr old sibling example was an exaggeration yo illustrate how quickly an age based cutoff falls apart.

As op said she thought she was close with this nephew. Some of you think that $15k is nothing, and sure, it’s not exorbitant, and if you think that $15k is nothing then inviting some under 16s is not going to break your bank.

As op said, the affection and relationship is not the same on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is 9. He has several cousins scattered around the country, with three living in Texas. My oldest nephew, who I am closest to, is getting married in June. The wedding is 16+. All the other cousins will be able to attend, except my son. I have given this nephew a lot of financial support and gifts in the past - probably 15k over the last ten years. Now, I don't even want to go to the wedding because my kid is the only one from my nephew's side of the family being excluded. Plus, if we travel for the wedding, we would have to find a sitter in a city far from home while everyone we know in the city is at the wedding.

I may be more sensitive to this because my son is an only child and I had hoped he would have strong ties with his cousins, though they are all a bit older than him. But now I want to just cut go no-contact with this nephew.

Am I overreacting? Should we go to the wedding and pretend we aren't offended? Should the value of the wedding gift reflect how upset I am?

I read a few pages of replies and I want to ask the people sticking by the age cutoff: if the groom or bride had a 9 yr old sibling, should they not include them or should they invite all the other little kids so they are not offended by the 9 yr old that they invited?

Not including close family bc of an age cutoff is dumb.

The only thing i can think of is that the bride and groom are total ifiots snd will hopefully outgrow their silliness, but it’ll be after the wedding of course.

A groom’s 9 year old first cousin is not remotely the same as a 9 year old sibling of the bride or groom. Come on, don’t be obtuse. I think you can have some kids invited but not all as long as people are being treated equally. Including under 18 siblings of the bride and groom is fine, but it is also fine to say no under 18 first cousins, kids of friends, etc.

I’m looking at the situation for what it is. It’s impossible that the bride and groom have 9 yr old first cousins galore. If they have such a large family with lots of first cousins then they’ll be one of those real tight kind of families. I don’t know how many ppl in the op’s generation, but if there are 4 extra per side with 3 kids each that is 24 first cousins. From these there can’t be that many under 16, so let’s say half = 12 under 16. That’s not that many ppl. Op should tell us how many under 16 are in the first cousin pool. If they’re not wanting to invite 2nd, 3rd, cousins, friends kids etc, it’s fine. Making a rule by age is stupid. The 9 yr old sibling example was an exaggeration yo illustrate how quickly an age based cutoff falls apart.

As op said she thought she was close with this nephew. Some of you think that $15k is nothing, and sure, it’s not exorbitant, and if you think that $15k is nothing then inviting some under 16s is not going to break your bank.

As op said, the affection and relationship is not the same on both sides.

I have 13 first cousins, I am more than 10 years older than all of them. Only 1 was 18 by the time I got married and was invited. We did not have room to include an additional 12 kids.

[Anonymous]

Op again - I haven't included info about the first cousin pool bc ai only have the complete info for groom's side. I was under the impression that our side was more extensive than his, but I could be wrong.

[Anonymous]

1. Don't have an invitation wedding if you cant afford to serve people food and drink. This is just common sense. Do you invite people over for Christmas parties and charge $7 a glass for wine????

Holy Toledo, that is tacky af.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Don't have an invitation wedding if you cant afford to serve people food and drink. This is just common sense. Do you invite people over for Christmas parties and charge $7 a glass for wine????

Holy Toledo, that is tacky af.

Which is worse, having a cash bar because your extended family demands a wedding beyond your budget, or having the wedding you can afford and keeping it small by excluding some family and friends but with a hosted bar?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Don't have an invitation wedding if you cant afford to serve people food and drink. This is just common sense. Do you invite people over for Christmas parties and charge $7 a glass for wine????

Holy Toledo, that is tacky af.

Which is worse, having a cash bar because your extended family demands a wedding beyond your budget, or having the wedding you can afford and keeping it small by excluding some family and friends but with a hosted bar?

The cash bar is worse.

I love an easy question.