Son only cousin excluded from nephew's wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh. You’re keeping track of the value of gifts and “financial support” you’ve been giving the groom over the years? Not only kinda petty but irrelevant.

LOL. Only irrelevant and petty to the ingrate takers. Nephew sounds like not a nice person. No need to have him in your or your kids life.

Send a text - "is there any reason why Larlo has not been invited?" And if they don't rectify this then you neither attend the wedding, nor send any gift or acknowledgement. That's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re allowed to feel how you feel and they are allowed to invite who they want. I will say though, going no contact seems like a big overreaction to me.

You’re not feeling celebratory so just don’t go.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re being overly sensitive. This has nothing to do with you specifically or your son. The couple have lots on their mind and want their wedding to be adults only. If they make an exception for your son because they like him best, or because he’s an only child, or because you helped the groom financially, they open themselves up to all the other pissed parents who got a babysitter or made other arrangements.

Take a breath and try to remember you’re not the center of the world.

This is right. And it isn't like your kid is 15 and missed the age cutoff by a year.

There are a lot of things that could play into this. Maybe there are budget issues, maybe they really want no kids at the wedding, etc. Maybe there is a difficult aunt (or, I should say, *another* difficult aunt) who would cause a stink if OP's son was invited and her kids weren't.

Regardless, Op, your impression that your son should be the obvious exception to the age limit, pointing to the gifts you have given to the groom over the years, and immediate leap to take this as a personal affront and to go no contact do not speak well of you. At all. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your feelings are understandable. But I promise you this has nothing to do with your son - 100% this is driven by the bride, overall guest count and a gaggle of kids she's trying to tactfully exclude. So she chose 16 as the cutoff. My own 9 yr old would have been fine to stay with a good friend for a night or two. But if you're not comfortable with your babysitting options then you go alone or not at all. Then move past this.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people saying you’re overreacting are wrong.

However, I don’t think you should go no contact. Simply RSVP no and buy something cheap from the registry as a gift.

No need to give a gift. RSVP no. In the note say "Since Larlo was not invited to this family occasion we will decline the invitation."

No need to hide your reason. You start to hide what wrongs people do to you, then you will always be trodden upon. This is not your shame. It is their shame. They are the uncouths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. You’re keeping track of the value of gifts and “financial support” you’ve been giving the groom over the years? Not only kinda petty but irrelevant.

LOL. Only irrelevant and petty to the ingrate takers. Nephew sounds like not a nice person. No need to have him in your or your kids life.

Send a text - "is there any reason why Larlo has not been invited?" And if they don't rectify this then you neither attend the wedding, nor send any gift or acknowledgement. That's it.

My aunt gave me less than that (like 2k) as a graduation present (she did the same with my siblings) and I've really always tried to stay grateful and generous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. You’re keeping track of the value of gifts and “financial support” you’ve been giving the groom over the years? Not only kinda petty but irrelevant.

LOL. Only irrelevant and petty to the ingrate takers. Nephew sounds like not a nice person. No need to have him in your or your kids life.

Send a text - "is there any reason why Larlo has not been invited?" And if they don't rectify this then you neither attend the wedding, nor send any gift or acknowledgement. That's it.

They already know the reason Larlo wasn't invited - he fall 7 years under the age cutoff. The right question is, "Is there any reason why you didn't make an exception for Larlo, given all the financial support we have given you over the years?"

That's a very different question, isn't it?

[Anonymous]

We had this situation -
Call your nephew and just say - we got the invitation and wanted to see if there is any wiggle room with the invite.
I know it is not within the guidelines of Emily post - but we are way past that.
You clearly have a close enough relationship where he was willing to ask and accept significant money for college so as uncomfortable as it is - just do it.

Hey John, we were excited to receive the wedding invitation but disappointed that _______ was not invited. As you know, we need to fly in for the wedding and was looking forward to connecting with everyone. Is there any flexibility to including ____ in the event? We know you are juggling a lot of demands when creating guest lists - but would appreciate your consideration given the special relationship we have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is 9. He has several cousins scattered around the country, with three living in Texas. My oldest nephew, who I am closest to, is getting married in June. The wedding is 16+. All the other cousins will be able to attend, except my son. I have given this nephew a lot of financial support and gifts in the past - probably 15k over the last ten years. Now, I don't even want to go to the wedding because my kid is the only one from my nephew's side of the family being excluded. Plus, if we travel for the wedding, we would have to find a sitter in a city far from home while everyone we know in the city is at the wedding.

I may be more sensitive to this because my son is an only child and I had hoped he would have strong ties with his cousins, though they are all a bit older than him. But now I want to just cut go no-contact with this nephew.

Am I overreacting? Should we go to the wedding and pretend we aren't offended? Should the value of the wedding gift reflect how upset I am?

Go if you want to or don't if you feel slighted. Since you've been so generous, they should've taken that in account. Out of state marriages are expensive with flights, hotels, clothing, gift money, car rental etc. so why waste it on someone ungrateful?

That being said, if you haven't gone extra miles in life for them, this would be perfectly fine and there wouldn't be any need for them to accommodate every cousin. People getting married are already under stress, relatives shouldn't add more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. You’re keeping track of the value of gifts and “financial support” you’ve been giving the groom over the years? Not only kinda petty but irrelevant.

Well, the money wasn't irrelevant to him. It helped him pay for college. And it doesn't require a ton of keeping track as three items were large checks that could quickly be totaled in my head.

$15000 over 15 years is a pittance.

$15k over 10 years and depending on OP's finances, it is probably a significant amount for her. How many nephews you've helped afford college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people saying you’re overreacting are wrong.

However, I don’t think you should go no contact. Simply RSVP no and buy something cheap from the registry as a gift.

No need to give a gift. RSVP no. In the note say "Since Larlo was not invited to this family occasion we will decline the invitation."

No need to hide your reason. You start to hide what wrongs people do to you, then you will always be trodden upon. This is not your shame. It is their shame. They are the uncouths.

This is crazy, no wrongs have been done by not inviting a 9 year old to a wedding. While the groom and his aunt may be close, does the groom have any relationship with this 9 year old? 16+ or 18+ are common cut offs, if I had to guess I would say the bride has a bunch of nieces and nephews or cousins that are under 16 and they could not include all of those people, so they made a reasonable cut off the could be applied evenly across the board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people saying you’re overreacting are wrong.

However, I don’t think you should go no contact. Simply RSVP no and buy something cheap from the registry as a gift.

This^.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. You’re keeping track of the value of gifts and “financial support” you’ve been giving the groom over the years? Not only kinda petty but irrelevant.

Well, the money wasn't irrelevant to him. It helped him pay for college. And it doesn't require a ton of keeping track as three items were large checks that could quickly be totaled in my head.

$15000 over 15 years is a pittance.

Lol no. Nephew should have stood up for his generous aunt.

If you’re keeping track you’re not being generous. By definition.

What dictionary are you getting that definition from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. You’re keeping track of the value of gifts and “financial support” you’ve been giving the groom over the years? Not only kinda petty but irrelevant.

Well, the money wasn't irrelevant to him. It helped him pay for college. And it doesn't require a ton of keeping track as three items were large checks that could quickly be totaled in my head.

$15000 over 15 years is a pittance.

$15k over 10 years and depending on OP's finances, it is probably a significant amount for her. How many nephews you've helped afford college?

If you can't afford to help then don't do it. But it's silly to tie that to a future wedding invite for a child. But maybe that's a money making scheme for brides and grooms, to sell seats to desperate parents who want their kids have a chance to slide across the dance floor. The more generous, the more children you can bring.

[Anonymous]

I promise this is not a slight to you or your son. They can’t cater to every guest, even close family. Their wedding is about them, not about you and the gifts you have given. (Please think about what your post implied. Clearly the money wasn’t a gift because you now think it had strings attached). For one day, let them make decisions in THEIR best interests, even if you don’t understand them.
Imagine if every important person in their life wanted some accommodation at their wedding. It becomes exhausting and unnecessarily stressful trying to meet everyone’s expectations. It is one day. You can decide to attend or not to attend. But it is petty to change your gift or not talk to him because you were not made to feel special at his wedding. Repeat as many times as necessary - this decision has nothing to do with you or your child.