I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot stand that I have a high stress job and my DH has a low stress (and low paying) job. Why did I do this to myself? I regret marrying him with every bone in my body. Any man who sits and watches his wife endure stress and pressure and is content to take it easy is no man. This is primal and will never change.

Reverse the genders in this. Still true?

Sounds like he is doing too much “sitting” and not taking more laid off you. Or is he running and managing the house, kids, schedule, vacations, clothes, medical, parties, etc.?

If he is an excellent SAHP then you need to downshift jobs.

If he is a terrible SAHP, you both need professional help.

OP's DH is NOT A SAHP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of us are a little confused that you did not know at least some of this before you got married:
- Did you know that he was more of a settler rather than being ambitious before you were married?
- Did you talk about how you wanted to provide for your children both while they were young and older?
- Did you/your husband know that you wanted a more traditional marriage where the husband would be the breadwinner?

It does sound like you have differing ideas about family lifestyle and the husband/wife dynamic which are pretty major. You could try counseling or you could simply move on, but make sure you discuss these matters in your next relationship.

I actually did not know he was a settler as you put it. I noticed and liked that he was very hard working, but later I learned that it came from fear. He worked very hard to get a very safe job. I didn’t realize the psychology behind that at first. I’m a striver as I was so kindly called here and he is not. Being a striver can be fun and rewarding if you share it with someone in spirit. I sincerely didn’t realize we did not share that value because again I did see work ethic in him.

I didn’t feel I needed a provider fully. I don’t even want to be a SAHM. I just want to share the “striving” burden and each have moderate stress jobs.

It would never have occurred to me to characterize "striver" as a core value.

Off the top of my head, here are my DH's and my core values (which some might call "character traits" we value):

commitment
compassion
concern for others
dependability
friendliness
good humor
honesty
honor
integrity
kindness
loyalty
perseverance
positivity
reliability
respect

How would "striver" fit into core values? <-- That is a genuine question.

Are you serious? Being ambitous is a core life value. If someone is not ambitious and one person is, there can be lasting resentment and it won't work.

You can be ambitious to do meaningful work well, but not be focus on MAKIN IT RAIN...

+1

OP didn't say "ambitious" - she said "striver."

She also said her DH is hard-working and has stable employment. He had enough ambition to get to that point - she just wants MORE MORE MORE. I.e., "striver."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

Sure but there is a big difference between how you sounded all throughout your post and now. Now especially it sounds like therapy could help you. It's not going to solve everything, but it certainly seems beneficial

+1 sounds more reasonable than the earlier posts, which showed what seems to be an unwarranted contempt for the DH. From what OP has described, he too is fixated on never being a few paychecks away from disaster, which is why he worked hard to be able to land the steady government job. It is always a benefit to have one spouse in a stable job, especially one that comes with lifetime guaranteed healthcare and a pension. It seems to me that OP is severely undervaluing those things.

Like many of us, I know several double-Fed spouses living happy UMC lives. It’s not enough income to pay for K-12 private for multiple children, but it’s plenty to live well in a nice neighborhood, take multiple vacations per year, afford kids’ college, and have a very comfortable retirement. I believe OP said she’s in her 30s, so may not have an appreciation for how much government salaries, TSP savings, and future pension amounts grow over time. It also seems that if OP is capable enough to be a high earner at this stage of life, she should have the ability to find another high-paying but less stressful job. It’s probably hard to focus on all the many opportunities available to her and to them as a family with work stress and toxic, misplaced resentment driving so many of her thoughts.

[Anonymous]

How much do you make, OP? And how much does your DH make in his “low paying” government job? Does he work for the Federal government, as some of us have assumed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

You know there is a middle ground, right? Neither my husband or I are "strivers" and we don't prioritize finances over everything else. And we have healthy savings accounts, retirement savings, and a nice 529 for our kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol you're a morin. Ask your kids what they would prefer.... You to pay for their wedding and a house but you get divorced and are still miserable. OR you don't provide those things but get a less stressful job and don't completely ruin their lives with a divorce.

I'm with your DH. It seems like you guys could still have a nice life if you took a lower stress job. It's not like he's forcing you to stay in your job. I also don't get why you married him.

Because he is handsome and funny, and when I expressed reservations to friends or family about his earning potential everyone called me shallow. The people calling me shallow are all married to high earners, btw. I was dumb not to level with myself about my values. Huge, life ruining mistake.

It was not the place of your family and friends to talk you out of this marriage. You need to own your choices.

What part of me acknowledging I made a huge, life ruining mistake not owning my choices? Giving context is not shirking accountability.

Holy smokes. You married a good man with a decent job, and you have continually referred to the fact that he is satisfied with a comfortable life and does not need to earn big bucks as "ruining your life."

Do you really not understand how that makes people (rational people, anyway) see you?

I really do not care how other people see me, and you are misusing “rational.”
What you really mean is “moral.”

You believe that I am immoral because I value working hard and trying to maximize earnings to have nice things and give opportunities to my children. That’s fine. You can judge my values all you want, but I have examined them at length and attempting to change or deny them has not worked for me thus far. That is how I ended up married to DH!

I might be able to live with DH if he also didn’t mock my priorities. A LOT of people share them, by the way. Whether they openly admit it to themselves or others or not.

I share your priorities OP. You are wise, and your children will thank you one day. My children will have a huge leg up in life via college paid for, down payment, etc. As America disintegrates, these things will be more and more important like they have been historically. We'll see the era where "it would all work out" (1950s-2008ish) as an anomaly and planning and preserving wealth will be key to any opportunities. Sorry but that's my worldview and I'm grateful that my husband agrees and we generally march together toward a goal of enjoying the present while providing for the uncertain future. I don't know what I would do in your shoes as divorce is its own type of financial train wreck.

Bit OP is not a striver or hard-working or ambitious for her own career. She says she wants to take three vacations without getting side-eye, wants to downshift, wants a low stress job like her DH. What OP is is materialistic and superficial. She wants the life of privilege (which it seems she had in her childhood), but she doesn't want to work for it. She's mad that she didn't marry someone who wants that life or the work that comes with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

Sure but there is a big difference between how you sounded all throughout your post and now. Now especially it sounds like therapy could help you. It's not going to solve everything, but it certainly seems beneficial

+1 sounds more reasonable than the earlier posts, which showed what seems to be an unwarranted contempt for the DH. From what OP has described, he too is fixated on never being a few paychecks away from disaster, which is why he worked hard to be able to land the steady government job. It is always a benefit to have one spouse in a stable job, especially one that comes with lifetime guaranteed healthcare and a pension. It seems to me that OP is severely undervaluing those things.

Like many of us, I know several double-Fed spouses living happy UMC lives. It’s not enough income to pay for K-12 private for multiple children, but it’s plenty to live well in a nice neighborhood, take multiple vacations per year, afford kids’ college, and have a very comfortable retirement. I believe OP said she’s in her 30s, so may not have an appreciation for how much government salaries, TSP savings, and future pension amounts grow over time. It also seems that if OP is capable enough to be a high earner at this stage of life, she should have the ability to find another high-paying but less stressful job. It’s probably hard to focus on all the many opportunities available to her and to them as a family with work stress and toxic, misplaced resentment driving so many of her thoughts.

+1

I'm the fed in our marriage. My steady paycheck and stable job allow my spouse to take some career risks that he couldn't otherwise take. And we are able to save money for college and retirement, take some vacations, etc. I like my job and I find my agency's mission to be important and inspiring, but I also value that stability, and deliberately chose my career based, in part, on that. Maybe we can't swing private school tuition, but we're definitely not a couple paychecks away from disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. My husband is ambitious, and I like that about him. We both are, and we strategize together about our career moves and plans. I would probably feel like you do if I was married to someone who was content to coast in a middling career.

However, I don't see that you have any good options here. If you divorce DH and have joint custody, you are in the same situation BUT you have to hand over a big chunk of your salary in child support. You might remarry a high earner, but that person is unlikely to be willing to pay for house down payments and weddings for his step-kids. If you marry someone who is so wealthy that it's chump change to them, then maybe. But those men are not generally on the dating scene in big numbers.

I think your best bet is to stay put and try to get DH to step up more in other ways to ease your work stress (handling cooking, household stuff, etc). And just try to enjoy having a handsome, funny husband with a good job, kids you love, and an impressive career. A lot of women want what you have!

They both work. That is not likely. My ex makes almost double what I make...no alimony. Stop making things up you know nothing about. Finances could take a hit, but it is not always what people think. There are literally calculators online for VA that are pretty accurate. Also...I do not know why everyone assumes she would want to remarry.

I said child support, not alimony. If they have joint custody and she is a much higher earner, she will have to pay child support.

Also, I'm assuming she wants to remarry bc she specifically said she wants to share the earning burden with a spouse.

Child support is nothing. (I make $120k...he makes $180k). I get $300 a month (two kids). Doubtful she will be paying much at all. Again, online calculators are really accurate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I feel sorry for you, OP, I really do. As another PP stated, there is no good solution for you--your husband is not likely to get a more stressful job, divorce isn't going to be happy for the children and won't generate more income, and you won't be happy if you take any kind of pay cut. I know you cherish your relationship with your children, but the anger and seething resentment that you have toward their father is deeply harmful to them.

I think that you should not discount therapy, which might help you to unpack some of your anger and feelings about money. A very good friend of mine had a ton of anxiety about money to the point where it was impacting her marriage. For example, they would agree on a budget for home renovations, set aside the money, hire the contractor, and then she would panic and cancel the contractor because she felt so anxious. She just couldn't stop worrying that something would go wrong and they would need that money, even though they had 2 stable jobs and plenty of savings. Therapy helped her to understand what represented for her (security, love) and she was able to have a more healthy relationship with it. The money wasn't going to ever fill the holes that she wanted it to; she is so much happier now that she is working on building the relationships and trust that create real feelings of security.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

Wow, what nonprofit is that? I was getting 6 weeks of leave a year when I worked for a non profit - what do you do, sit at home burning your leave? That seems sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

Sure but there is a big difference between how you sounded all throughout your post and now. Now especially it sounds like therapy could help you. It's not going to solve everything, but it certainly seems beneficial

My initial posts were largely pre-coffee, stressed AF about an important presentation, which I just nailed btw.

I have tried 3 therapists over the past 10 years or so. 1 after my brother died, 1 to help with grad school stress (that one was helpful) and a god awful one more recently while I was pregnant to preemptively deal with any postpartum issues which thankfully didn’t come. The last one spent her time giving me cleaning tips and didn’t let me get a word in edgewise.

I am open to therapy but in my experience it is close to impossible to find someone who can really help.

I truly believe that I just feel ripped off and disgusted by what I perceive as lack of manliness (in my eyes) in my husband. I hate myself for settling for this. I hate him for not being moved even a small bit to hustle just a little more for things I care about. I used to be willing to get behind things he cared about. No longer. He is unapologetically not going to budge for me.

[Anonymous]

JFC, OP, unless therapy has advanced to the realm of offering personality transplants, I don’t think anyone can help you. You just seem like a miserable person. I feel sorry for your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot stand that I have a high stress job and my DH has a low stress (and low paying) job. Why did I do this to myself? I regret marrying him with every bone in my body. Any man who sits and watches his wife endure stress and pressure and is content to take it easy is no man. This is primal and will never change.

Reverse the genders in this. Still true?

Sounds like he is doing too much “sitting” and not taking more laid off you. Or is he running and managing the house, kids, schedule, vacations, clothes, medical, parties, etc.?

If he is an excellent SAHP then you need to downshift jobs.

If he is a terrible SAHP, you both need professional help.

OP's DH is NOT A SAHP.

Club Fed dads all put in their 6 hours of work here and then get home by 3 or 4 for kid and house stuff, whilst their wives travel, work, have demanding clients.

Plus if there’s so much income, get a nanny!