I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't

[Anonymous]

To address the problem, it would probably help to frame it better. Is it really the difference in stress levels? Or is the problem that you are both the primary breadwinner (with all the stress/long hours/etc that comes with it) and doing the lion’s share of the child rearing/housekeeping etc.

I suspect it is the latter. That’s a hard situation to be in. See what you can do to change patterns of who does what. Perhaps counseling? If you don’t have kids, just cut and run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To address the problem, it would probably help to frame it better. Is it really the difference in stress levels? Or is the problem that you are both the primary breadwinner (with all the stress/long hours/etc that comes with it) and doing the lion’s share of the child rearing/housekeeping etc.

I suspect it is the latter. That’s a hard situation to be in. See what you can do to change patterns of who does what. Perhaps counseling? If you don’t have kids, just cut and run.

I personally would not feel better with a husband who did more on the home and kid front so I could endure external stress better. To me, external stress is different than home front stress. I have no problem being busy, dealing with kids, renovations (which I am currently managing actually), etc. If sometiing falls through the cracks, I don’t feel dread about it. If I mess up an important presentation because I am juggling too many things I feel dread because I could lose my job.

I don’t know how other women feel, but this is how I feel. I was told I SHOULDN’T feel this way, and that is why I married my husband when deep down I knew it was a mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot stand that I have a high stress job and my DH has a low stress (and low paying) job. Why did I do this to myself? I regret marrying him with every bone in my body. Any man who sits and watches his wife endure stress and pressure and is content to take it easy is no man. This is primal and will never change.

This is nuts. My SAHM DW dealt with a house full of rugrats (four under 7) while she was participating in major house renovations. Lots of stress. It ‘s not a reflection on the DH’s manhood that the DW is stressed.

No matter how stressful your job, four kids under 7 years old is WAY more stressful!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot stand that I have a high stress job and my DH has a low stress (and low paying) job. Why did I do this to myself? I regret marrying him with every bone in my body. Any man who sits and watches his wife endure stress and pressure and is content to take it easy is no man. This is primal and will never change.

This is nuts. My SAHM DW dealt with a house full of rugrats (four under 7) while she was participating in major house renovations. Lots of stress. It ‘s not a reflection on the DH’s manhood that the DW is stressed.

No matter how stressful your job, four kids under 7 years old is WAY more stressful!!!

Exhausting or stressful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To address the problem, it would probably help to frame it better. Is it really the difference in stress levels? Or is the problem that you are both the primary breadwinner (with all the stress/long hours/etc that comes with it) and doing the lion’s share of the child rearing/housekeeping etc.

I suspect it is the latter. That’s a hard situation to be in. See what you can do to change patterns of who does what. Perhaps counseling? If you don’t have kids, just cut and run.

I personally would not feel better with a husband who did more on the home and kid front so I could endure external stress better. To me, external stress is different than home front stress. I have no problem being busy, dealing with kids, renovations (which I am currently managing actually), etc. If sometiing falls through the cracks, I don’t feel dread about it. If I mess up an important presentation because I am juggling too many things I feel dread because I could lose my job.

I don’t know how other women feel, but this is how I feel. I was told I SHOULDN’T feel this way, and that is why I married my husband when deep down I knew it was a mistake.

That’s a tough situation when you marry someone with different priorities. Have you talked with your husband about how you feel? If you took a lower paying job that was less stressful, how much would it change your lifestyle? Does your husband expect the same lifestyle as you do or is he choosing a less affluent lifestyle in exchange for less stress. You don’t need as much money as DCUM thinks. Finally, remember why you did marry your husband.

[Anonymous]

I mean didn't you know your job was going to be stressful when you took it? If you didn't want a high stress job then why did you go into that career. A lot of anger seems to be placed on your DH when you're the cause of your ozn unhappiness. Start with therapy. If that doesn't work, consider divorce. But you're not going to change your DH. So you can either reframe how you thinl about it, change your own job, or get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot stand that I have a high stress job and my DH has a low stress (and low paying) job. Why did I do this to myself? I regret marrying him with every bone in my body. Any man who sits and watches his wife endure stress and pressure and is content to take it easy is no man. This is primal and will never change.

Reverse the genders in this. Still true?

I don’t think (straight) men expect to be married to a man with a primal urge to support the family, so…

I agree with this as a man who is the sole breadwinner. Of course, in most families, the man is the one with the high stress job and of the women I know who work with high stress jobs with SAH dads, it rarely works.

It's not fair, men can be just as good at home, but biology seems to play a role here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot stand that I have a high stress job and my DH has a low stress (and low paying) job. Why did I do this to myself? I regret marrying him with every bone in my body. Any man who sits and watches his wife endure stress and pressure and is content to take it easy is no man. This is primal and will never change.

Reverse the genders in this. Still true?

I don’t think (straight) men expect to be married to a man with a primal urge to support the family, so…

I agree with this as a man who is the sole breadwinner. Of course, in most families, the man is the one with the high stress job and of the women I know who work with high stress jobs with SAH dads, it rarely works.

It's not fair, men can be just as good at home, but biology seems to play a role here.

I think biology plays a role in why men aren’t just as good at home actually. Men aren’t as good at caretaking and putting others first. When the oxygen masks drop they remind us to put our own on first before helping others because *women* will help kids first. Whereas dads wander into the kitchen to make themselves a sandwich and not give a thought to feeding the kids.

[Anonymous]

So you want your DH to be more stressed, or do you want less stress? Because it sounds like the former and that is insanity. Find a new job yourself so you can both be less stressed.

[Anonymous]

Why are you blaming your husband for your choice of career? Are you wanting to quit but he is putting pressure on you to remain as the breadwinner?

[Anonymous]

If you weren’t married would you be ok with the job? Is it the constant reminder that other people don’t live a hectic careeer-focused lifestyle that is irritating you, or the job itself? Do you even like your job?

[Anonymous]

I think this is the poster mad at her computer programmer husband for only making 120k and being content in his job.

Either way, blaming your husband for your stress is not healthy. You need to take charge of your own choices, and make changes to your own situation. Resenting him for being happier is childish.

[Anonymous]

To address the several posters who asked about my job and the fact that I picked it:

I picked my job so that I can have a solid financial future and my kids can have opportunities. If I get a lower stress job, we could survive sure but lifestyle would take a massive hit as would savings of all kinds (retirement, college, cash savings, potential to send kids to private schools, etc).

My parents paid for my wedding and gave us house down payment. This helped us massively and call me crazy but I would like to do the same for my kids because it is not easy getting started out there.

DH doesn’t share my feelings. He thinks as long as we don’t die all is well. He has no DRIVE to take care of us in a proactive way.

It is stressful to try to provide for your family. I want to literally take some of that stress off of my shoulders and put it on his.

I actually like my job but I would prefer to coast a little bit, not worry about maximizing bonus and getting promoted. Have good enough be enough.

But I can’t do that while he is so happily laid back with no upward career trajectory. We are just not compatible at all in this regard and the thought of forcing myself to lower my standards makes me feel like I am being snuffed out by him.

But as stated I also suspect, contrary to the prevailing view, that most women strongly prefer a driven man who is motivated to maximize his family’s well being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is the poster mad at her computer programmer husband for only making 120k and being content in his job.

Either way, blaming your husband for your stress is not healthy. You need to take charge of your own choices, and make changes to your own situation. Resenting him for being happier is childish.

My husband is a government worker not a programmer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is the poster mad at her computer programmer husband for only making 120k and being content in his job.

Either way, blaming your husband for your stress is not healthy. You need to take charge of your own choices, and make changes to your own situation. Resenting him for being happier is childish.

My husband is a government worker not a programmer.

So he does make in that range. Check yourself. Your striving isn’t healthy. Learn to live within the means you can make without working yourself to death.