I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She makes 250k. He makes less. She does not want to feel like she is carrying the load of the family when he can’t step up.

A GS-14 carries a fair amount of responsibility, it is not a do-nothing job. He may be more stressed than you imagine, just doesn't talk about it at home. You both need to communicate better.

Government salaries are determined by a schedule, there is not much an employee can do except seek promotion to a higher level, or quit the government and look for something in the private sector. Quitting after many years of service means walking away from pension and health care benefits that are usually higher than a private sector job will offer.

There is one primal difference between men and women, in that women have higher housekeeping standards then men because they can see dirt that is invisible to men. If you want him to help more around the house, you might need to (politely) help him see the invisible dirt.

[Anonymous]

I honestly think OP is just a hypergamy troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

I didn’t think it was that relevant so I didn’t answer, but I can no problem. My DH is a GS-14 and I make about 250k with bonus.

I don’t care that I earn more than DH. To me the issue is that he is COMFORTABLE with me being UNCOMFORTABLE. He doesn’t have something in him that says “gee, my wife is quite uncomfortable, I love her, so what can I do to help ease some of that discomfort?”

I sincerely feel there is something gendered to it. I feel like if my husband can’t help me alleviate some of my load then he is not much of a man. I am not sure that is how men feel about women when they are stressed at work. I believe men want respect and understanding, and if they receive those things from their wife then they don’t mind working hard for the family.

OP you’re not even that high of an earner around here. Get over yourself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly think OP is just a hypergamy troll

Possibly, but (just asking for a friend) where can I find this funny dad (handsome optional) making $150,000 per year at a stable job with likely prospects of a $50,000 per year pension at 58 or so with excellent healthcare? An address and the hours OP is at work would be ideal, but if you can point me to the right neighborhood, that works too. TIA!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She makes 250k. He makes less. She does not want to feel like she is carrying the load of the family when he can’t step up.

A GS-14 carries a fair amount of responsibility, it is not a do-nothing job. He may be more stressed than you imagine, just doesn't talk about it at home. You both need to communicate better.

Government salaries are determined by a schedule, there is not much an employee can do except seek promotion to a higher level, or quit the government and look for something in the private sector. Quitting after many years of service means walking away from pension and health care benefits that are usually higher than a private sector job will offer.

There is one primal difference between men and women, in that women have higher housekeeping standards then men because they can see dirt that is invisible to men. If you want him to help more around the house, you might need to (politely) help him see the invisible dirt.

While true that GS-14s can have real responsibility and work stress, it is certainly not often always the case, or even usually the case. Plenty are able to coast. It is also way different than the stresses of building a career in the private sector. OP is right to be stressed about not only the immediate concerns, but looking 5 or 10 years down the line to make sure she stays relevant (and thus employed). Feds just don't have that pressure, and that is a big source of stress for a lot of professionals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She makes 250k. He makes less. She does not want to feel like she is carrying the load of the family when he can’t step up.

A GS-14 carries a fair amount of responsibility, it is not a do-nothing job. He may be more stressed than you imagine, just doesn't talk about it at home. You both need to communicate better.

Government salaries are determined by a schedule, there is not much an employee can do except seek promotion to a higher level, or quit the government and look for something in the private sector. Quitting after many years of service means walking away from pension and health care benefits that are usually higher than a private sector job will offer.

There is one primal difference between men and women, in that women have higher housekeeping standards then men because they can see dirt that is invisible to men. If you want him to help more around the house, you might need to (politely) help him see the invisible dirt.

While true that GS-14s can have real responsibility and work stress, it is certainly not often always the case, or even usually the case. Plenty are able to coast. It is also way different than the stresses of building a career in the private sector. OP is right to be stressed about not only the immediate concerns, but looking 5 or 10 years down the line to make sure she stays relevant (and thus employed). Feds just don't have that pressure, and that is a big source of stress for a lot of professionals.

Then maybe OP should get a job as a Fed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP were reduced to a slogan, it would be,

"The Man is the Plan"

She makes 250k. He makes less. She does not want to feel like she is carrying the load of the family when he can’t step up.

He is stepping up. He has a decent job that pays well and has excellent benefits. He is sharing the load.

He just doesn't earn enough money to put them in the super high earning category that OP wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP were reduced to a slogan, it would be,

"The Man is the Plan"

She makes 250k. He makes less. She does not want to feel like she is carrying the load of the family when he can’t step up.

She just wants to have her cake and eat it. Only a woman would think she is entitled to not carry the family load. Men do this all the time. Does OP pay her DH for unpaid work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP will be a 30-something materialistic divorced striver with kids. She is not going to land the type of man she thinks she wants.

Unless she can seduce a high striving type-A man away from his current wife. Do you have the body to do that? Do you give good H?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP were reduced to a slogan, it would be,

"The Man is the Plan"

She makes 250k. He makes less. She does not want to feel like she is carrying the load of the family when he can’t step up.

He is stepping up. He has a decent job that pays well and has excellent benefits. He is sharing the load.

He just doesn't earn enough money to put them in the super high earning category that OP wants.

She is going most of the child stuff…he is not. She is working a high-stress job. He is not. She is carrying the load. He is coasting. The least he could do is to do more of the child stuff since he has a lower stress job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP were reduced to a slogan, it would be,

"The Man is the Plan"

She makes 250k. He makes less. She does not want to feel like she is carrying the load of the family when he can’t step up.

She just wants to have her cake and eat it. Only a woman would think she is entitled to not carry the family load. Men do this all the time. Does OP pay her DH for unpaid work?

Men are not doing two jobs…usually. Women who work often do full time jobs and almost all the household crap. Men have a kid and go back to work like nothing ever changed. I have lived that and so have many of my friends. These men are not “sharing the load”—they are benefitting from their wife doing most of the work at home and while earning money. Unless they can relieve some stress of their wife, they are taking advantage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP will be a 30-something materialistic divorced striver with kids. She is not going to land the type of man she thinks she wants.

Unless she can seduce a high striving type-A man away from his current wife. Do you have the body to do that? Do you give good H?

Single is better than a deadweight or a liability. Most women divorce to get away from a bad situation and person. Not to go find another liar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP were reduced to a slogan, it would be,

"The Man is the Plan"

She makes 250k. He makes less. She does not want to feel like she is carrying the load of the family when he can’t step up.

She just wants to have her cake and eat it. Only a woman would think she is entitled to not carry the family load. Men do this all the time. Does OP pay her DH for unpaid work?

Men are not doing two jobs…usually. Women who work often do full time jobs and almost all the household crap. Men have a kid and go back to work like nothing ever changed. I have lived that and so have many of my friends. These men are not “sharing the load”—they are benefitting from their wife doing most of the work at home and while earning money. Unless they can relieve some stress of their wife, they are taking advantage.

But we don't know that that is happening here. Don't project your own issues. OP is just complaining because she has a stressful job (supposedly) and her husband, who makes a good income, has a non-stressful job. She wants him to have the higher earning job so she can coast. She said as much. Don't make this about your hobby horse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She makes 250k. He makes less. She does not want to feel like she is carrying the load of the family when he can’t step up.

A GS-14 carries a fair amount of responsibility, it is not a do-nothing job. He may be more stressed than you imagine, just doesn't talk about it at home. You both need to communicate better.

Government salaries are determined by a schedule, there is not much an employee can do except seek promotion to a higher level, or quit the government and look for something in the private sector. Quitting after many years of service means walking away from pension and health care benefits that are usually higher than a private sector job will offer.

There is one primal difference between men and women, in that women have higher housekeeping standards then men because they can see dirt that is invisible to men. If you want him to help more around the house, you might need to (politely) help him see the invisible dirt.

While true that GS-14s can have real responsibility and work stress, it is certainly not often always the case, or even usually the case. Plenty are able to coast. It is also way different than the stresses of building a career in the private sector. OP is right to be stressed about not only the immediate concerns, but looking 5 or 10 years down the line to make sure she stays relevant (and thus employed). Feds just don't have that pressure, and that is a big source of stress for a lot of professionals.

I have worked for the private sector, in academia, and as a GS-14. GS-14 was the most stress, and the most hours. Keep in mind that some GS-14s become GS-15s and eventually SES.

The true value of a GS-15 retirement is as much as $2.5 million, taking into account FERS, health care, and other delayed benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP were reduced to a slogan, it would be,

"The Man is the Plan"

She makes 250k. He makes less. She does not want to feel like she is carrying the load of the family when he can’t step up.

She just wants to have her cake and eat it. Only a woman would think she is entitled to not carry the family load. Men do this all the time. Does OP pay her DH for unpaid work?

Men are not doing two jobs…usually. Women who work often do full time jobs and almost all the household crap. Men have a kid and go back to work like nothing ever changed. I have lived that and so have many of my friends. These men are not “sharing the load”—they are benefitting from their wife doing most of the work at home and while earning money. Unless they can relieve some stress of their wife, they are taking advantage.

But we don't know that that is happening here. Don't project your own issues. OP is just complaining because she has a stressful job (supposedly) and her husband, who makes a good income, has a non-stressful job. She wants him to have the higher earning job so she can coast. She said as much. Don't make this about your hobby horse.

Op says she can’t imagine him doing meal planning, etc. it seems she is doing most of the parenting, too: I am not projecting.