I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

I didn’t think it was that relevant so I didn’t answer, but I can no problem. My DH is a GS-14 and I make about 250k with bonus.

I don’t care that I earn more than DH. To me the issue is that he is COMFORTABLE with me being UNCOMFORTABLE. He doesn’t have something in him that says “gee, my wife is quite uncomfortable, I love her, so what can I do to help ease some of that discomfort?”

I sincerely feel there is something gendered to it. I feel like if my husband can’t help me alleviate some of my load then he is not much of a man. I am not sure that is how men feel about women when they are stressed at work. I believe men want respect and understanding, and if they receive those things from their wife then they don’t mind working hard for the family.

OP you’re not even that high of an earner around here. Get over yourself

Her DH is a Gs-14 in tech who is 40+? He is not getting a better job anywhere in private sector. That ship sailed a decade ago.

If he was a COR and SES, maybe he would have connections worth becoming business development at a contractor. Maybe. Those get burned out and fires quick usually.

But going into actual TECH earning serious $200k+ money from a decade in gov????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol you're a morin. Ask your kids what they would prefer.... You to pay for their wedding and a house but you get divorced and are still miserable. OR you don't provide those things but get a less stressful job and don't completely ruin their lives with a divorce.

I'm with your DH. It seems like you guys could still have a nice life if you took a lower stress job. It's not like he's forcing you to stay in your job. I also don't get why you married him.

Because he is handsome and funny, and when I expressed reservations to friends or family about his earning potential everyone called me shallow. The people calling me shallow are all married to high earners, btw. I was dumb not to level with myself about my values. Huge, life ruining mistake.

OP, did you have other options who were high earners? When I say options, I mean men who actually proposed?

The high earners you covet are scarce and extremely picky about who they marry.

[Anonymous]

A GS-14 in the DC area is in the top 9 percent of all income earners in the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP were reduced to a slogan, it would be,

"The Man is the Plan"

She makes 250k. He makes less. She does not want to feel like she is carrying the load of the family when he can’t step up.

She just wants to have her cake and eat it. Only a woman would think she is entitled to not carry the family load. Men do this all the time. Does OP pay her DH for unpaid work?

Men are not doing two jobs…usually. Women who work often do full time jobs and almost all the household crap. Men have a kid and go back to work like nothing ever changed. I have lived that and so have many of my friends. These men are not “sharing the load”—they are benefitting from their wife doing most of the work at home and while earning money. Unless they can relieve some stress of their wife, they are taking advantage.

But we don't know that that is happening here. Don't project your own issues. OP is just complaining because she has a stressful job (supposedly) and her husband, who makes a good income, has a non-stressful job. She wants him to have the higher earning job so she can coast. She said as much. Don't make this about your hobby horse.

Op says she can’t imagine him doing meal planning, etc. it seems she is doing most of the parenting, too: I am not projecting.

"Meal planning" - ha. Ok. First of all, meal planning takes all of 10 minutes a week. There is no basis to believe that he is not "sharing the load." You said you "lived that". But that's not what OP started this thread to talk about. She wants a lot of money, but she doesn't want to work hard and be stressed out. This is not 1 of the thousands of threads about "sharing the load." You are definitely projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP were reduced to a slogan, it would be,

"The Man is the Plan"

She makes 250k. He makes less. She does not want to feel like she is carrying the load of the family when he can’t step up.

She just wants to have her cake and eat it. Only a woman would think she is entitled to not carry the family load. Men do this all the time. Does OP pay her DH for unpaid work?

Men are not doing two jobs…usually. Women who work often do full time jobs and almost all the household crap. Men have a kid and go back to work like nothing ever changed. I have lived that and so have many of my friends. These men are not “sharing the load”—they are benefitting from their wife doing most of the work at home and while earning money. Unless they can relieve some stress of their wife, they are taking advantage.

But we don't know that that is happening here. Don't project your own issues. OP is just complaining because she has a stressful job (supposedly) and her husband, who makes a good income, has a non-stressful job. She wants him to have the higher earning job so she can coast. She said as much. Don't make this about your hobby horse.

Op says she can’t imagine him doing meal planning, etc. it seems she is doing most of the parenting, too: I am not projecting.

"Meal planning" - ha. Ok. First of all, meal planning takes all of 10 minutes a week. There is no basis to believe that he is not "sharing the load." You said you "lived that". But that's not what OP started this thread to talk about. She wants a lot of money, but she doesn't want to work hard and be stressed out. This is not 1 of the thousands of threads about "sharing the load." You are definitely projecting.

She feels taken advantage of…that is enough for him to step up in some way to care about her stress. He could do this at home.

Divorce solved the issue for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP were reduced to a slogan, it would be,

"The Man is the Plan"

She makes 250k. He makes less. She does not want to feel like she is carrying the load of the family when he can’t step up.

She just wants to have her cake and eat it. Only a woman would think she is entitled to not carry the family load. Men do this all the time. Does OP pay her DH for unpaid work?

Men are not doing two jobs…usually. Women who work often do full time jobs and almost all the household crap. Men have a kid and go back to work like nothing ever changed. I have lived that and so have many of my friends. These men are not “sharing the load”—they are benefitting from their wife doing most of the work at home and while earning money. Unless they can relieve some stress of their wife, they are taking advantage.

But we don't know that that is happening here. Don't project your own issues. OP is just complaining because she has a stressful job (supposedly) and her husband, who makes a good income, has a non-stressful job. She wants him to have the higher earning job so she can coast. She said as much. Don't make this about your hobby horse.

Op says she can’t imagine him doing meal planning, etc. it seems she is doing most of the parenting, too: I am not projecting.

"Meal planning" - ha. Ok. First of all, meal planning takes all of 10 minutes a week. There is no basis to believe that he is not "sharing the load." You said you "lived that". But that's not what OP started this thread to talk about. She wants a lot of money, but she doesn't want to work hard and be stressed out. This is not 1 of the thousands of threads about "sharing the load." You are definitely projecting.

She feels taken advantage of…that is enough for him to step up in some way to care about her stress. He could do this at home.

Divorce solved the issue for me.

Again, you are projecting. That might have been your issue, or what you perceived to be your issue. But OP is talking about how a man should have a stressful high earning a job to take care of his wife. Do you really think that she will feel better if her DH does more meal planning or housework??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP were reduced to a slogan, it would be,

"The Man is the Plan"

She makes 250k. He makes less. She does not want to feel like she is carrying the load of the family when he can’t step up.

She just wants to have her cake and eat it. Only a woman would think she is entitled to not carry the family load. Men do this all the time. Does OP pay her DH for unpaid work?

Men are not doing two jobs…usually. Women who work often do full time jobs and almost all the household crap. Men have a kid and go back to work like nothing ever changed. I have lived that and so have many of my friends. These men are not “sharing the load”—they are benefitting from their wife doing most of the work at home and while earning money. Unless they can relieve some stress of their wife, they are taking advantage.

But we don't know that that is happening here. Don't project your own issues. OP is just complaining because she has a stressful job (supposedly) and her husband, who makes a good income, has a non-stressful job. She wants him to have the higher earning job so she can coast. She said as much. Don't make this about your hobby horse.

Op says she can’t imagine him doing meal planning, etc. it seems she is doing most of the parenting, too: I am not projecting.

"Meal planning" - ha. Ok. First of all, meal planning takes all of 10 minutes a week. There is no basis to believe that he is not "sharing the load." You said you "lived that". But that's not what OP started this thread to talk about. She wants a lot of money, but she doesn't want to work hard and be stressed out. This is not 1 of the thousands of threads about "sharing the load." You are definitely projecting.

She feels taken advantage of…that is enough for him to step up in some way to care about her stress. He could do this at home.

Divorce solved the issue for me.

Again, you are projecting. That might have been your issue, or what you perceived to be your issue. But OP is talking about how a man should have a stressful high earning a job to take care of his wife. Do you really think that she will feel better if her DH does more meal planning or housework??

Yes: if he can’t make more money, at the very least he can decrease her burden at home. It would be better than the status quo.

[Anonymous]

This is one of the sexiest post I have ever read.

[Anonymous]

So quit. Change jobs. Sell your house. Move.

Life is short, do not spend it suffering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP were reduced to a slogan, it would be,

"The Man is the Plan"

She makes 250k. He makes less. She does not want to feel like she is carrying the load of the family when he can’t step up.

She just wants to have her cake and eat it. Only a woman would think she is entitled to not carry the family load. Men do this all the time. Does OP pay her DH for unpaid work?

Men are not doing two jobs…usually. Women who work often do full time jobs and almost all the household crap. Men have a kid and go back to work like nothing ever changed. I have lived that and so have many of my friends. These men are not “sharing the load”—they are benefitting from their wife doing most of the work at home and while earning money. Unless they can relieve some stress of their wife, they are taking advantage.

But we don't know that that is happening here. Don't project your own issues. OP is just complaining because she has a stressful job (supposedly) and her husband, who makes a good income, has a non-stressful job. She wants him to have the higher earning job so she can coast. She said as much. Don't make this about your hobby horse.

Op says she can’t imagine him doing meal planning, etc. it seems she is doing most of the parenting, too: I am not projecting.

"Meal planning" - ha. Ok. First of all, meal planning takes all of 10 minutes a week. There is no basis to believe that he is not "sharing the load." You said you "lived that". But that's not what OP started this thread to talk about. She wants a lot of money, but she doesn't want to work hard and be stressed out. This is not 1 of the thousands of threads about "sharing the load." You are definitely projecting.

She feels taken advantage of…that is enough for him to step up in some way to care about her stress. He could do this at home.

Divorce solved the issue for me.

Divorce is not going to create the high income OP yearns for. It is a big financial stressor. High earners are not likely to want to marry OP, age and kids do matter. OP regrets her life choices but making the best of things and appreciating the good fortune your family has is still on the table, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP will be a 30-something materialistic divorced striver with kids. She is not going to land the type of man she thinks she wants.

Unless she can seduce a high striving type-A man away from his current wife. Do you have the body to do that? Do you give good H?

Those men want someone younger without kids.

[Anonymous]

Could you do this: (1) don't do things that enable him - just take a moment to think if there are things you might be doing that you could stop doing (his laundry is a small example); (2) deposit any portion of your paycheck above the amount that he contributes into a separate account he can't access so he doesn't benefit from the fact that you work harder - you just go 50/50 on all family expenses going forward and adjust accordingly; (3) start taking more opportunities to destress from family life and leave him home and in charge of the kids (for example, girls' weekends, spa day, whatever helps you settle); and (4) hire whatever help you need to take the burden off you at home - weekly cleaning, babysitters, food prep services, whatever you can outsource so that home can be a more relaxing environment for you.

I am sure many on here will pushback, but you sound stressed and resentful, which is understandable, so maybe try it this way and see how things workout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP were reduced to a slogan, it would be,

"The Man is the Plan"

She makes 250k. He makes less. She does not want to feel like she is carrying the load of the family when he can’t step up.

She just wants to have her cake and eat it. Only a woman would think she is entitled to not carry the family load. Men do this all the time. Does OP pay her DH for unpaid work?

Men are not doing two jobs…usually. Women who work often do full time jobs and almost all the household crap. Men have a kid and go back to work like nothing ever changed. I have lived that and so have many of my friends. These men are not “sharing the load”—they are benefitting from their wife doing most of the work at home and while earning money. Unless they can relieve some stress of their wife, they are taking advantage.

Why did you all marry men like this? All men are not like this. My DH is not…he likes to take charge of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To address the several posters who asked about my job and the fact that I picked it:

I picked my job so that I can have a solid financial future and my kids can have opportunities. If I get a lower stress job, we could survive sure but lifestyle would take a massive hit as would savings of all kinds (retirement, college, cash savings, potential to send kids to private schools, etc).

My parents paid for my wedding and gave us house down payment. This helped us massively and call me crazy but I would like to do the same for my kids because it is not easy getting started out there.

DH doesn’t share my feelings. He thinks as long as we don’t die all is well. He has no DRIVE to take care of us in a proactive way.

It is stressful to try to provide for your family. I want to literally take some of that stress off of my shoulders and put it on his.

I actually like my job but I would prefer to coast a little bit, not worry about maximizing bonus and getting promoted. Have good enough be enough.

But I can’t do that while he is so happily laid back with no upward career trajectory. We are just not compatible at all in this regard and the thought of forcing myself to lower my standards makes me feel like I am being snuffed out by him.

But as stated I also suspect, contrary to the prevailing view, that most women strongly prefer a driven man who is motivated to maximize his family’s well being.

You are exhausting. Let go of the rat race. Your kids don’t need a down payment from you, my god. They’ll figure it out.

+1

OP, YOU are the one that decided that you want all these things. So you got a job that would pay for them. But to expect your husband to be willing to run himself ragged for things YOU care about isn't fair.