I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

Sure but there is a big difference between how you sounded all throughout your post and now. Now especially it sounds like therapy could help you. It's not going to solve everything, but it certainly seems beneficial

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. My husband is ambitious, and I like that about him. We both are, and we strategize together about our career moves and plans. I would probably feel like you do if I was married to someone who was content to coast in a middling career.

However, I don't see that you have any good options here. If you divorce DH and have joint custody, you are in the same situation BUT you have to hand over a big chunk of your salary in child support. You might remarry a high earner, but that person is unlikely to be willing to pay for house down payments and weddings for his step-kids. If you marry someone who is so wealthy that it's chump change to them, then maybe. But those men are not generally on the dating scene in big numbers.

I think your best bet is to stay put and try to get DH to step up more in other ways to ease your work stress (handling cooking, household stuff, etc). And just try to enjoy having a handsome, funny husband with a good job, kids you love, and an impressive career. A lot of women want what you have!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you make more than your DH, and he makes six figures, and you are anything ever like a few weeks away from disaster, you need to seriously revamp your spending habits. Would it be so bad if you lived on 250k a year? Seriously? That is very, very UMC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. My husband is ambitious, and I like that about him. We both are, and we strategize together about our career moves and plans. I would probably feel like you do if I was married to someone who was content to coast in a middling career.

However, I don't see that you have any good options here. If you divorce DH and have joint custody, you are in the same situation BUT you have to hand over a big chunk of your salary in child support. You might remarry a high earner, but that person is unlikely to be willing to pay for house down payments and weddings for his step-kids. If you marry someone who is so wealthy that it's chump change to them, then maybe. But those men are not generally on the dating scene in big numbers.

I think your best bet is to stay put and try to get DH to step up more in other ways to ease your work stress (handling cooking, household stuff, etc). And just try to enjoy having a handsome, funny husband with a good job, kids you love, and an impressive career. A lot of women want what you have!

They both work. That is not likely. My ex makes almost double what I make...no alimony. Stop making things up you know nothing about. Finances could take a hit, but it is not always what people think. There are literally calculators online for VA that are pretty accurate. Also...I do not know why everyone assumes she would want to remarry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the chance that OP will find a second husband willing to buy houses for his stepchildren is vanishingly small. that is not a reasonable option.

if OP wants the life she wants, it is on her, either married to this husband or not.

Maybe she does not want a second husband (I don't!). Maybe she just does not want to be reminded every day that her partner does nt seem to care that she is working herself to the bone while he coasts along. This two kinds of people don't fit together. She is clearly not okay with the dynamic. He is. This is a mismatch.

Sure. But what OP and those saying "just divorce" don't realize is that it doesn't really solve anything other than the fact that she won't be miserably married. He's still not going to prioritize the same things. She's still going to have to work a high stress job to fund her priorities. And now you have the fun added money suck of divorce and two residences. The resentment will still be there. The anger towards him will still be there. She just won't have to deal with it face to face

You don't understand divorce. When it is really truly that bad, divorce does make the resentment and anger disappear. Me not being miserably married was the answer for me. That is ALL I needed.

I don't think she is really at that place though necessarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot stand that I have a high stress job and my DH has a low stress (and low paying) job. Why did I do this to myself? I regret marrying him with every bone in my body. Any man who sits and watches his wife endure stress and pressure and is content to take it easy is no man. This is primal and will never change.

Reverse the genders in this. Still true?

Sounds like he is doing too much “sitting” and not taking more laid off you. Or is he running and managing the house, kids, schedule, vacations, clothes, medical, parties, etc.?

If he is an excellent SAHP then you need to downshift jobs.

If he is a terrible SAHP, you both need professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot stand that I have a high stress job and my DH has a low stress (and low paying) job. Why did I do this to myself? I regret marrying him with every bone in my body. Any man who sits and watches his wife endure stress and pressure and is content to take it easy is no man. This is primal and will never change.

This is nuts. My SAHM DW dealt with a house full of rugrats (four under 7) while she was participating in major house renovations. Lots of stress. It ‘s not a reflection on the DH’s manhood that the DW is stressed.

No matter how stressful your job, four kids under 7 years old is WAY more stressful!!!

What? This is idiotic. No, being at home with four kids under 7 is not more stressful than cutting a malignant brain tumor out of a child. Get some perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. My husband is ambitious, and I like that about him. We both are, and we strategize together about our career moves and plans. I would probably feel like you do if I was married to someone who was content to coast in a middling career.

However, I don't see that you have any good options here. If you divorce DH and have joint custody, you are in the same situation BUT you have to hand over a big chunk of your salary in child support. You might remarry a high earner, but that person is unlikely to be willing to pay for house down payments and weddings for his step-kids. If you marry someone who is so wealthy that it's chump change to them, then maybe. But those men are not generally on the dating scene in big numbers.

I think your best bet is to stay put and try to get DH to step up more in other ways to ease your work stress (handling cooking, household stuff, etc). And just try to enjoy having a handsome, funny husband with a good job, kids you love, and an impressive career. A lot of women want what you have!

They both work. That is not likely. My ex makes almost double what I make...no alimony. Stop making things up you know nothing about. Finances could take a hit, but it is not always what people think. There are literally calculators online for VA that are pretty accurate. Also...I do not know why everyone assumes she would want to remarry.

I said child support, not alimony. If they have joint custody and she is a much higher earner, she will have to pay child support.

Also, I'm assuming she wants to remarry bc she specifically said she wants to share the earning burden with a spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

So get the major side eye. Who cares? The answer is you seem to care. Why? Who? Fear of rejection/not getting praise? Fear of being seen as a failure? You need to explore this further OP, or no matter what decisions you make about this you will still not be happy and still stress yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To address the several posters who asked about my job and the fact that I picked it:

I picked my job so that I can have a solid financial future and my kids can have opportunities. If I get a lower stress job, we could survive sure but lifestyle would take a massive hit as would savings of all kinds (retirement, college, cash savings, potential to send kids to private schools, etc).

My parents paid for my wedding and gave us house down payment. This helped us massively and call me crazy but I would like to do the same for my kids because it is not easy getting started out there.

DH doesn’t share my feelings. He thinks as long as we don’t die all is well. He has no DRIVE to take care of us in a proactive way.

It is stressful to try to provide for your family. I want to literally take some of that stress off of my shoulders and put it on his.

I actually like my job but I would prefer to coast a little bit, not worry about maximizing bonus and getting promoted. Have good enough be enough.

But I can’t do that while he is so happily laid back with no upward career trajectory. We are just not compatible at all in this regard and the thought of forcing myself to lower my standards makes me feel like I am being snuffed out by him.

But as stated I also suspect, contrary to the prevailing view, that most women strongly prefer a driven man who is motivated to maximize his family’s well being.

OP, I'm sorry. It's not fair that your husband expects you to stay in a high stress career so that he can coast without any stress. It seems to me that this is more about him being ok watching you suffer as long as he gets to keep avoiding responsibility. You never get to coast because he won't step up and earn enough to support the family. Of course you resent that.

The best marriages I've seen have the man supporting the family with a SAHM. Not necessarily even a really high earner, but a more traditional division of roles. Women generally do more domestic and childcare duties whether they work or not so it's not fair if they also have to work the same types of jobs let alone higher stress and longer hours.

I used to think the poster above was a totally 1950's pig, but I've come to agree. Every couple I know where both work save the rarest of exceptions, the moms are brutalized by doing all the housework AND their job. Seems to work best if the woman has a fun/chill job, a part time job, or no job ... or if literally everything is outsourced (which comes with its own problems). I say this as a sucessful woman in a male dominated field who has stepped back due to the inequity of it all. Thankfully, unlike op, my husband is driven and earns plenty.

[Anonymous]

^Ego, Not “Who?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW who makes more than my DH and who is still overall very happy and satisfied with my marriage.

DH completely picks up the childcare and household slack and does thoughtful things to support me when I'm under work stress. He also knows there is a high likelihood of me retiring before him and letting him carry the household with insurance once we've built our nest egg.

I make more than my DH but i am not overall happy and satisfied. Why not? Bc of the bolded.
I make more yet I still am the default childcare, household, and even freaking date planner.

Its really really hard to split child tasks evenly. First off most orgs email mom first (though you can use a shared email account for that), but it becomes a project management task on who is going to respond to which email, who is going to buy the clothes for the kids, or plan party, or what. We have had a lot of conflicting plans, duplicate emails, as well as differences in how we clean and ORGANIZE (this is a HUGE issue, basically we differ on philosophy so keep undoing the other's system inadvertently).

Specialization is much easier when the house is run by one person and you are assigned discrete tasks, but someone has to be the PM for the house (otherwise you are both calling two plumbers to fix leaky faucet), and it generally will be the DW because most communication will be directed to her (and honestly when a DH emails or shows up at a parent meetup, they are the only one and they are ostracized to a large degree in a way that moms are not).

So DH as breadwinner is the best bet, but if you happen to marry a whip smart wife whose career takes off, woe is you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of us are a little confused that you did not know at least some of this before you got married:
- Did you know that he was more of a settler rather than being ambitious before you were married?
- Did you talk about how you wanted to provide for your children both while they were young and older?
- Did you/your husband know that you wanted a more traditional marriage where the husband would be the breadwinner?

It does sound like you have differing ideas about family lifestyle and the husband/wife dynamic which are pretty major. You could try counseling or you could simply move on, but make sure you discuss these matters in your next relationship.

I actually did not know he was a settler as you put it. I noticed and liked that he was very hard working, but later I learned that it came from fear. He worked very hard to get a very safe job. I didn’t realize the psychology behind that at first. I’m a striver as I was so kindly called here and he is not. Being a striver can be fun and rewarding if you share it with someone in spirit. I sincerely didn’t realize we did not share that value because again I did see work ethic in him.

I didn’t feel I needed a provider fully. I don’t even want to be a SAHM. I just want to share the “striving” burden and each have moderate stress jobs.

It would never have occurred to me to characterize "striver" as a core value.

Off the top of my head, here are my DH's and my core values (which some might call "character traits" we value):

commitment
compassion
concern for others
dependability
friendliness
good humor
honesty
honor
integrity
kindness
loyalty
perseverance
positivity
reliability
respect

How would "striver" fit into core values? <-- That is a genuine question.

Are you serious? Being ambitous is a core life value. If someone is not ambitious and one person is, there can be lasting resentment and it won't work.

You can be ambitious to do meaningful work well, but not be focus on MAKIN IT RAIN...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol you're a morin. Ask your kids what they would prefer.... You to pay for their wedding and a house but you get divorced and are still miserable. OR you don't provide those things but get a less stressful job and don't completely ruin their lives with a divorce.

I'm with your DH. It seems like you guys could still have a nice life if you took a lower stress job. It's not like he's forcing you to stay in your job. I also don't get why you married him.

Because he is handsome and funny, and when I expressed reservations to friends or family about his earning potential everyone called me shallow. The people calling me shallow are all married to high earners, btw. I was dumb not to level with myself about my values. Huge, life ruining mistake.

It was not the place of your family and friends to talk you out of this marriage. You need to own your choices.

What part of me acknowledging I made a huge, life ruining mistake not owning my choices? Giving context is not shirking accountability.

Holy smokes. You married a good man with a decent job, and you have continually referred to the fact that he is satisfied with a comfortable life and does not need to earn big bucks as "ruining your life."

Do you really not understand how that makes people (rational people, anyway) see you?

I really do not care how other people see me, and you are misusing “rational.”
What you really mean is “moral.”

You believe that I am immoral because I value working hard and trying to maximize earnings to have nice things and give opportunities to my children. That’s fine. You can judge my values all you want, but I have examined them at length and attempting to change or deny them has not worked for me thus far. That is how I ended up married to DH!

I might be able to live with DH if he also didn’t mock my priorities. A LOT of people share them, by the way. Whether they openly admit it to themselves or others or not.

I share your priorities OP. You are wise, and your children will thank you one day. My children will have a huge leg up in life via college paid for, down payment, etc. As America disintegrates, these things will be more and more important like they have been historically. We'll see the era where "it would all work out" (1950s-2008ish) as an anomaly and planning and preserving wealth will be key to any opportunities. Sorry but that's my worldview and I'm grateful that my husband agrees and we generally march together toward a goal of enjoying the present while providing for the uncertain future. I don't know what I would do in your shoes as divorce is its own type of financial train wreck.