I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

Sure but there is a big difference between how you sounded all throughout your post and now. Now especially it sounds like therapy could help you. It's not going to solve everything, but it certainly seems beneficial

My initial posts were largely pre-coffee, stressed AF about an important presentation, which I just nailed btw.

I have tried 3 therapists over the past 10 years or so. 1 after my brother died, 1 to help with grad school stress (that one was helpful) and a god awful one more recently while I was pregnant to preemptively deal with any postpartum issues which thankfully didn’t come. The last one spent her time giving me cleaning tips and didn’t let me get a word in edgewise.

I am open to therapy but in my experience it is close to impossible to find someone who can really help.

I truly believe that I just feel ripped off and disgusted by what I perceive as lack of manliness (in my eyes) in my husband. I hate myself for settling for this. I hate him for not being moved even a small bit to hustle just a little more for things I care about. I used to be willing to get behind things he cared about. No longer. He is unapologetically not going to budge for me.

I guess you'll just be miserable, then. I don't blame him for not making himself miserable, too, just to make more money, or to make sure that both of you are equally unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

Sure but there is a big difference between how you sounded all throughout your post and now. Now especially it sounds like therapy could help you. It's not going to solve everything, but it certainly seems beneficial

My initial posts were largely pre-coffee, stressed AF about an important presentation, which I just nailed btw.

I have tried 3 therapists over the past 10 years or so. 1 after my brother died, 1 to help with grad school stress (that one was helpful) and a god awful one more recently while I was pregnant to preemptively deal with any postpartum issues which thankfully didn’t come. The last one spent her time giving me cleaning tips and didn’t let me get a word in edgewise.

I am open to therapy but in my experience it is close to impossible to find someone who can really help.

I truly believe that I just feel ripped off and disgusted by what I perceive as lack of manliness (in my eyes) in my husband. I hate myself for settling for this. I hate him for not being moved even a small bit to hustle just a little more for things I care about. I used to be willing to get behind things he cared about. No longer. He is unapologetically not going to budge for me.

Therapy is way overrated by this forum. Therapists aren't geniuses who can solve everything, they're just regular people with a master's degree that may or may not be relevant to your issues\.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

Wow, what nonprofit is that? I was getting 6 weeks of leave a year when I worked for a non profit - what do you do, sit at home burning your leave? That seems sad.

Technically I get four weeks...I can't take it. I have too many deadlines. I only took 6 weeks of maternity leave for my kids. Everyone else got 4 months. I do more than one person's job. It is just the way it has been for me...so don't act like everyone working can just take multiple vacations a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

Wow, what nonprofit is that? I was getting 6 weeks of leave a year when I worked for a non profit - what do you do, sit at home burning your leave? That seems sad.

Technically I get four weeks...I can't take it. I have too many deadlines. I only took 6 weeks of maternity leave for my kids. Everyone else got 4 months. I do more than one person's job. It is just the way it has been for me...so don't act like everyone working can just take multiple vacations a year.

DP but it seems like it’s this way because you accept it can’t be any other way. You have the leave. Do you think you would get fired?

[Anonymous]

What’s your salary, OP? And how much does your DH make? Is he a fed? Is there a reason you think you’ll be stuck in a stressful job forever or that his salary will not grow in his current job where he is happy? Have you considered other well-paying but more family-friendly jobs for yourself?

I think your fixation on the “manliness” of your husband because of his job choice is unhelpful and counter-productive if your goal is to have more time with your kids and a better quality work life, as you seemed to indicate post-coffee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

Wow, what nonprofit is that? I was getting 6 weeks of leave a year when I worked for a non profit - what do you do, sit at home burning your leave? That seems sad.

Technically I get four weeks...I can't take it. I have too many deadlines. I only took 6 weeks of maternity leave for my kids. Everyone else got 4 months. I do more than one person's job. It is just the way it has been for me...so don't act like everyone working can just take multiple vacations a year.

DP but it seems like it’s this way because you accept it can’t be any other way. You have the leave. Do you think you would get fired?

You don't get it. I can't do my work and take a ton of vacation. My deadlines are immovable. It is not like most nonprofit jobs. If my product is late, yes, I can be fired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

Sure but there is a big difference between how you sounded all throughout your post and now. Now especially it sounds like therapy could help you. It's not going to solve everything, but it certainly seems beneficial

My initial posts were largely pre-coffee, stressed AF about an important presentation, which I just nailed btw.

I have tried 3 therapists over the past 10 years or so. 1 after my brother died, 1 to help with grad school stress (that one was helpful) and a god awful one more recently while I was pregnant to preemptively deal with any postpartum issues which thankfully didn’t come. The last one spent her time giving me cleaning tips and didn’t let me get a word in edgewise.

I am open to therapy but in my experience it is close to impossible to find someone who can really help.

I truly believe that I just feel ripped off and disgusted by what I perceive as lack of manliness (in my eyes) in my husband. I hate myself for settling for this. I hate him for not being moved even a small bit to hustle just a little more for things I care about. I used to be willing to get behind things he cared about. No longer. He is unapologetically not going to budge for me.

OP, I get it and I'm sorry he's this way. Ignore the posters who just want to tear you apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

Sure but there is a big difference between how you sounded all throughout your post and now. Now especially it sounds like therapy could help you. It's not going to solve everything, but it certainly seems beneficial

My initial posts were largely pre-coffee, stressed AF about an important presentation, which I just nailed btw.

I have tried 3 therapists over the past 10 years or so. 1 after my brother died, 1 to help with grad school stress (that one was helpful) and a god awful one more recently while I was pregnant to preemptively deal with any postpartum issues which thankfully didn’t come. The last one spent her time giving me cleaning tips and didn’t let me get a word in edgewise.

I am open to therapy but in my experience it is close to impossible to find someone who can really help.

I truly believe that I just feel ripped off and disgusted by what I perceive as lack of manliness (in my eyes) in my husband. I hate myself for settling for this. I hate him for not being moved even a small bit to hustle just a little more for things I care about. I used to be willing to get behind things he cared about. No longer. He is unapologetically not going to budge for me.

I guess you'll just be miserable, then. I don't blame him for not making himself miserable, too, just to make more money, or to make sure that both of you are equally unhappy.

I am getting the feeling that Op would find something to complain about no matter what her husband does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

Wow, what nonprofit is that? I was getting 6 weeks of leave a year when I worked for a non profit - what do you do, sit at home burning your leave? That seems sad.

Technically I get four weeks...I can't take it. I have too many deadlines. I only took 6 weeks of maternity leave for my kids. Everyone else got 4 months. I do more than one person's job. It is just the way it has been for me...so don't act like everyone working can just take multiple vacations a year.

My guess is you are one of these people who just love to martyr themselves. You probably own a home, a few cars, take vacation, “have” to pay for kid’s’ extracurriculars, eat out a few times a month. You are doing this to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

Wow, what nonprofit is that? I was getting 6 weeks of leave a year when I worked for a non profit - what do you do, sit at home burning your leave? That seems sad.

Technically I get four weeks...I can't take it. I have too many deadlines. I only took 6 weeks of maternity leave for my kids. Everyone else got 4 months. I do more than one person's job. It is just the way it has been for me...so don't act like everyone working can just take multiple vacations a year.

.


I hope you don’t wake up one day when you are 70 and realize that none of this matter, but time with your love ones. If you die tomorrow they will
Find someone to do your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

Wow, what nonprofit is that? I was getting 6 weeks of leave a year when I worked for a non profit - what do you do, sit at home burning your leave? That seems sad.

Technically I get four weeks...I can't take it. I have too many deadlines. I only took 6 weeks of maternity leave for my kids. Everyone else got 4 months. I do more than one person's job. It is just the way it has been for me...so don't act like everyone working can just take multiple vacations a year.

DP but it seems like it’s this way because you accept it can’t be any other way. You have the leave. Do you think you would get fired?

You don't get it. I can't do my work and take a ton of vacation. My deadlines are immovable. It is not like most nonprofit jobs. If my product is late, yes, I can be fired.

So look for a new job that isn't so awful? Sounds like OP's DH has one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

Sure but there is a big difference between how you sounded all throughout your post and now. Now especially it sounds like therapy could help you. It's not going to solve everything, but it certainly seems beneficial

My initial posts were largely pre-coffee, stressed AF about an important presentation, which I just nailed btw.

I have tried 3 therapists over the past 10 years or so. 1 after my brother died, 1 to help with grad school stress (that one was helpful) and a god awful one more recently while I was pregnant to preemptively deal with any postpartum issues which thankfully didn’t come. The last one spent her time giving me cleaning tips and didn’t let me get a word in edgewise.

I am open to therapy but in my experience it is close to impossible to find someone who can really help.

I truly believe that I just feel ripped off and disgusted by what I perceive as lack of manliness (in my eyes) in my husband. I hate myself for settling for this. I hate him for not being moved even a small bit to hustle just a little more for things I care about. I used to be willing to get behind things he cared about. No longer. He is unapologetically not going to budge for me.

I guess you'll just be miserable, then. I don't blame him for not making himself miserable, too, just to make more money, or to make sure that both of you are equally unhappy.

Word. Also, OP is a huge misogynist, and I don't toss that around freely. "Manliness" means you hate him for not adopting your F$&#ed up and materialistic idea of values? Saying your are ripped off and disgusted by your husband making a perfectly good income....wow. Please divorce him. Do him that favor. I hope he finds a lovely woman who values him for the stable, mature person he is, and who does not hate him for not wanting to be a "striver" as OP owns she is.

He's probably only still with OP because he's a decent guy trying to be there for his kids. It says a lot about his character that he has tolerated her this long.

OP, you should hate yourself, but for VERY different reasons.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

Wow, what nonprofit is that? I was getting 6 weeks of leave a year when I worked for a non profit - what do you do, sit at home burning your leave? That seems sad.

Technically I get four weeks...I can't take it. I have too many deadlines. I only took 6 weeks of maternity leave for my kids. Everyone else got 4 months. I do more than one person's job. It is just the way it has been for me...so don't act like everyone working can just take multiple vacations a year.

My guess is you are one of these people who just love to martyr themselves. You probably own a home, a few cars, take vacation, “have” to pay for kid’s’ extracurriculars, eat out a few times a month. You are doing this to yourself.

Yes- if everyone else at your workplace was able to take 4 months of maternity leave and you legitimately felt you couldn’t take more than 6 weeks then you are either extraordinarily inefficient or have a martyr complex/skewed priorities

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

Wow, what nonprofit is that? I was getting 6 weeks of leave a year when I worked for a non profit - what do you do, sit at home burning your leave? That seems sad.

Technically I get four weeks...I can't take it. I have too many deadlines. I only took 6 weeks of maternity leave for my kids. Everyone else got 4 months. I do more than one person's job. It is just the way it has been for me...so don't act like everyone working can just take multiple vacations a year.

DP but it seems like it’s this way because you accept it can’t be any other way. You have the leave. Do you think you would get fired?

You don't get it. I can't do my work and take a ton of vacation. My deadlines are immovable. It is not like most nonprofit jobs. If my product is late, yes, I can be fired.

DP. I'm sorry, but it sounds like you are making excuses. It might not be doable without a little sacrifice on your part (long days leading up to vacation and maybe even working a little while on vacation) but it's a matter of priorities.

[Anonymous]

My SIL was in a situation very similar to the OP and got divorced while her kids were in high school. Guess what, now her DH doesn't have to work at all every again because he got half of all their savings plus she has to pay him child support/alimony. So now she really has to keep her high pressure job. And she only has her kids half the time. And her kids will likely inhere

That said she is happy because she is dating all the time (it helps that she is drop dead gorgeous and had kids young) and also she no longer has to be around her (ex)husband when he is jus hanging out, relaxing and she is all stressed with work.

My advice to you is to try to not look backwards. Look at the choices in front of you now and figure out what is best for you and your family -- and what is really bothering you now. if what is really bothering you is that you feel like your DH's choices and your desire to do well financially are leaving you trapped in a stressful job, divorce wont change that. Even remarriage won't really change it since a new DH won't really support your kids in all likelihood.