I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't

[Anonymous]

Wait. I thought the point of modern feminism is to put men in the shotgun seat while women drive? OP, if you are a feminist then own it. You go do the harder work while he does less. Remember, it's what you want!

[Anonymous]

I am worried that you will apply your same values to your children... Are you going to be the tiger mom who berates them for only getting 95% on an exam? Are you going to choose their college majors and insist that they enter high paying careers even if they have some other future in mind?

If you want to give your kids a good start in life, you can show them what a happy loving marriage looks like. You are teaching them how to act toward their future spouses. Kids tend to model their parent's marriages, unless their parent's marriage was so horrible that they swear off of marriage entirely. If you want to give your kids a good start in life, that will serve them better than handing them a big wad of cash.

[Anonymous]

Speaking as some raising my kids on ~$140k and planning to save for college and retirement and all -- OP, what are you doing with all that money? If you can't figure out how to save for your goals at $250k HHI, I think you might want to talk to a financial planner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Speaking as some raising my kids on ~$140k and planning to save for college and retirement and all -- OP, what are you doing with all that money? If you can't figure out how to save for your goals at $250k HHI, I think you might want to talk to a financial planner.

+1 according to her she isn’t even spending her money in cars, house or vacation.

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems the main sticking point is saving for kids' down payments, ability to support their future families. Don't you think they would rather you focus on not blowing up the family they have now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

I didn’t think it was that relevant so I didn’t answer, but I can no problem. My DH is a GS-14 and I make about 250k with bonus.

I don’t care that I earn more than DH. To me the issue is that he is COMFORTABLE with me being UNCOMFORTABLE. He doesn’t have something in him that says “gee, my wife is quite uncomfortable, I love her, so what can I do to help ease some of that discomfort?”

I sincerely feel there is something gendered to it. I feel like if my husband can’t help me alleviate some of my load then he is not much of a man. I am not sure that is how men feel about women when they are stressed at work. I believe men want respect and understanding, and if they receive those things from their wife then they don’t mind working hard for the family.

OP, if your DH doubled his income tomorrow, would you slow your pace and work part-time or at a "hobby job"? Or would you continue apace, happy that he was earning more and enjoying that he like you was stressed out by work?

Does your DH pick up slack at home? Does he cook, clean, do laundry? keep track of things? If he does any of that, then FYI, he is relieving you of some of your load.

Your combined income is about $400K. If you downshift to a job that pays say, $150K, then you will still have plenty of money and feel less stressed out.

Why do you insist that your DH bear the burden that you yourself can't seem to unload?

I would not work a hobby job but I would stop worrying about maximizing my career. I might downshift somewhat. Alternatively I might make a plan to spend more time with kids during the teenage years after amassing a large nest egg since it is my understanding that this is a time that parental attention can really matter more than ever.

He is decent on the home front when I manage him. I’d much rather him earn more and manage part time household help.

OP again. It is hard for me to imagine him actually doing things like taking charge of menu planning and doing dr’s appointments but if he genuinely took all of that on and also remembered to get the house power washed or the gutters cleaned etc. this would help.

But the real issue as another PP pointed out is we have a big value clash and he mocks my goals in a similar manner as the other posters here. He thinks I worry too much about the future and just disregards my feelings about my priorities.

I hear you OP…when the woman is running ragged and the guy does not try to help, it feels like he does not care about her feelings. I have been there. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is the poster mad at her computer programmer husband for only making 120k and being content in his job.

Either way, blaming your husband for your stress is not healthy. You need to take charge of your own choices, and make changes to your own situation. Resenting him for being happier is childish.

My husband is a government worker not a programmer.

So he does make in that range. Check yourself. Your striving isn’t healthy. Learn to live within the means you can make without working yourself to death.

My other option is to divorce my husband because life sucks with someone when you do not share core values. That’s what I am leaning towards.

You're a moron for marrying him then. What a selfish POS you are for what you're about to do to your kids lives because "wahhhh I chose a high stress career and dh didn't". Disgusting.

Wow ..struck a nerve. You just be a slug also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If OP were reduced to a slogan, it would be,

"The Man is the Plan"

She makes 250k. He makes less. She does not want to feel like she is carrying the load of the family when he can’t step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you are still reading this, don't discount all the benefits of being married to a fed. You can take more career risks because he won't get laid off. And you'll have retiree health insurance so all that money you are saving now won't have to go towards health care costs in retirement.

Plus he gets a pension.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same, except I don’t resent him right now. He helps in other ways, and we don’t have kids, which makes life a lot easier. I also don’t want kids. But it is difficult than my job is both mentally and physically stressful and his is not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really had some potential until the PP who hasn’t taken a vacation in 20 years came along and decided to make it all about her.

I noticed that the OP never responded to the questions about how much money she and her DH make, and whether he is a Fed. I expect that (assuming OP is actually a legit poster) the gulf between their incomes is not large, and that they are on track for decent college savings and a good life financially. It’s just that OP is consumed by jealousy that her friends or others she grew up with are much wealthier than she. If riches are her goal in life, trying to flog her husband into becoming a rainmaker won’t t work, and neither will divorce alone, most likely. She’s going to need to get the big job herself, maybe through her family’s network since she grew up UMC?

Any one else have any ideas about how a bitter, ambitious woman in her thirties with kids and possibly a soon to be ex-husband can get the life of luxury she feels is due her?

I didn’t think it was that relevant so I didn’t answer, but I can no problem. My DH is a GS-14 and I make about 250k with bonus.

I don’t care that I earn more than DH. To me the issue is that he is COMFORTABLE with me being UNCOMFORTABLE. He doesn’t have something in him that says “gee, my wife is quite uncomfortable, I love her, so what can I do to help ease some of that discomfort?”

I sincerely feel there is something gendered to it. I feel like if my husband can’t help me alleviate some of my load then he is not much of a man. I am not sure that is how men feel about women when they are stressed at work. I believe men want respect and understanding, and if they receive those things from their wife then they don’t mind working hard for the family.

You are awful. Please divorce him so he can get away from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To address the several posters who asked about my job and the fact that I picked it:

I picked my job so that I can have a solid financial future and my kids can have opportunities. If I get a lower stress job, we could survive sure but lifestyle would take a massive hit as would savings of all kinds (retirement, college, cash savings, potential to send kids to private schools, etc).

My parents paid for my wedding and gave us house down payment. This helped us massively and call me crazy but I would like to do the same for my kids because it is not easy getting started out there.

DH doesn’t share my feelings. He thinks as long as we don’t die all is well. He has no DRIVE to take care of us in a proactive way.

It is stressful to try to provide for your family. I want to literally take some of that stress off of my shoulders and put it on his.

I actually like my job but I would prefer to coast a little bit, not worry about maximizing bonus and getting promoted. Have good enough be enough.

But I can’t do that while he is so happily laid back with no upward career trajectory. We are just not compatible at all in this regard and the thought of forcing myself to lower my standards makes me feel like I am being snuffed out by him.

But as stated I also suspect, contrary to the prevailing view, that most women strongly prefer a driven man who is motivated to maximize his family’s well being.

You are exhausting. Let go of the rat race. Your kids don’t need a down payment from you, my god. They’ll figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP were reduced to a slogan, it would be,

"The Man is the Plan"

She makes 250k. He makes less. She does not want to feel like she is carrying the load of the family when he can’t step up.

What she really wants though is to downshift while her DH (or some imagined future high earning DH) has the stressful job.

[Anonymous]

Wow. DH and I have both gone through periods of stress and non-stress in our careers. I MUCH prefer it when he is not stressed. I can handle a high workload and stress during the day, as long as I can count on him to pick up the kids, order pizza, and be the fun dad to keep the household happy. When we are both stressed at work, life sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To address the several posters who asked about my job and the fact that I picked it:

I picked my job so that I can have a solid financial future and my kids can have opportunities. If I get a lower stress job, we could survive sure but lifestyle would take a massive hit as would savings of all kinds (retirement, college, cash savings, potential to send kids to private schools, etc).

My parents paid for my wedding and gave us house down payment. This helped us massively and call me crazy but I would like to do the same for my kids because it is not easy getting started out there.

DH doesn’t share my feelings. He thinks as long as we don’t die all is well. He has no DRIVE to take care of us in a proactive way.

It is stressful to try to provide for your family. I want to literally take some of that stress off of my shoulders and put it on his.

I actually like my job but I would prefer to coast a little bit, not worry about maximizing bonus and getting promoted. Have good enough be enough.

But I can’t do that while he is so happily laid back with no upward career trajectory. We are just not compatible at all in this regard and the thought of forcing myself to lower my standards makes me feel like I am being snuffed out by him.

But as stated I also suspect, contrary to the prevailing view, that most women strongly prefer a driven man who is motivated to maximize his family’s well being.

This has been a standard male complaint since the dawn of time. OP has figured out a new spin, though - it's OK for her do be cranky because her husband is missing some sort of "primal" need to take care of his family. In effect, she's questioning his manhood.

Two things can be true:

- It is entirely reasonable to want both partners to make significant/roughly equal financial contributions to a relationship. It's even understandable, if not quite as reasonable, to want the lower-earning partner to increase teir contribution, rather than have the higher-earning one downshift, so the standard of living for the entire family doesn't suffer (although "I want to pay for kids' weddings is pretty superficial).

- OP has managed to take a reasonable point and articulate it in the crappiest way possible. That's not easy to do, and speaks volumes about her character.

This is well-said. I think OP has posted a variation of this thread dozens of times, and doesn’t ever take the advice to either (1) get therapy to help her understand why she is so obsessed with living a high-status life with a high earner so she can have all the luxuries she covets; or (2) divorce this handsome, funny man with a solid government job so he can be free to build a good life on his own or with a good woman. I think OP’s kids would be better off with less of her influence in their lives.

+1

These are her options. Nothing is ruining her life except her own materialistic values. So either deal with your obsession with money or divorce this guy, enjoy watching your net worth be cut in half (and maybe get to pay child support!) and try to find someone who also wants to work hard and accumulate assets who will also be totally cool with sharing that with his stepkids.

OP will be a 30-something materialistic divorced striver with kids. She is not going to land the type of man she thinks she wants.