Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The sister who thinks her attractive, rich brother doesn't cheat "because they've talked about it" is so naive it hurts.

Seriously. And I’d find it bizarre if my sibling had that conversation with me, like, “I’ve had many, many opportunities to cheat - as you know how I’m conventionally attractive and tall and a millionaire - and I just want you to know, I’ve turned them all down.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A sexless wife must divorce if she feels this way. All sexless marriages are simply DADT. Men do not remain celibate. She has all the information she needs. If you are in a “sexless” marriage, your spouse isn’t sexless they are just going elsewhere. If that’s a problem then divorce now.

OMG shoot my now. I'm starting to believe this I've read it on this stupid board so many times.

I am not the guy who writes this, and I think he is an idiot for dispensing advice such as declaring your marriage open. But that being said, he's probably right that most marriages that are sexless for some reason other than illness, old age, childbirth, are DADT and someone is getting it on the side. Most, not all. Celibacy doesn't last over time. You really think people with healthy sex drives go years without it?

OK I'm tired of hearing it from that a-hole about DADT. Go on the other thread where women are surprised by their husbands cheating. So, 2 points:
--many women are surprised when husbands cheat. This is on husbands since they have not communicated effectively
--many women say that they were having sex while husbands were cheating. Cheating is a character issue, not a wife issue

Men on here need to stop finding excuses for cheating and not telling wives. Wives need to make a decision on what they want to do after discovering your cheating themselves, don't make that decision for them by hiding it. That's being patronizing. This is not the 1950's.

This remains a crucial and overlooked point. A man saying he is cheating because his wife isn’t putting out is a convenient way of shifting blame AND coercing spouses into more sex. Sex does not inoculate a relationship from cheating. The desire will still be there. Otherwise there would be no non-monogamy in the world because one partner would be satisfying enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm the original poster you responded to (not the pp in your response) but my answer would be that it's you, not the wife. You cheated even before your "sexless" period and so how can it be about anyone else? You also just mentioned that it's the opportunity which drives men to cheat (you know tall, outgoing men) which again means that it's not about your wife. Honestly, it's either that all men are like this (driven by opportunity), or that there is a certain mindset which pre-disposes a man to cheat (I discarded that it's the wife/life situation since that's not the case in your example). If it's opportunity, then women shouldn't trust any man at anytime and men shouldn't expect that women should trust them.

I mean, look, once you understand that this is about the men, not about their relationships, then you finally get that this has nothing to do with you. Really. It's not a reflection on your worth as a woman, wife, human being, it's not a reward or a punishment for any perceived wrongs. It just isn't. Your husband is a wholly separate person and his choices are his own.

With regard to trust, I don't hang my trust of my husband on his sexual fidelity and I certainly hope he doesn't hang his on mine. There are other standards for spousal performance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Starvation drives people to do things they would not otherwise do.

well then either talk with your spouse or divorce. No excuses.

You cannot force that upon the normal libido spouse who did not change after marriage.
The burden of divorce falls on the abnormal libido spouse who lost interest in sex after marriage.
No excuses indeed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A sexless wife must divorce if she feels this way. All sexless marriages are simply DADT. Men do not remain celibate. She has all the information she needs. If you are in a “sexless” marriage, your spouse isn’t sexless they are just going elsewhere. If that’s a problem then divorce now.

OMG shoot my now. I'm starting to believe this I've read it on this stupid board so many times.

I am not the guy who writes this, and I think he is an idiot for dispensing advice such as declaring your marriage open. But that being said, he's probably right that most marriages that are sexless for some reason other than illness, old age, childbirth, are DADT and someone is getting it on the side. Most, not all. Celibacy doesn't last over time. You really think people with healthy sex drives go years without it?

OK I'm tired of hearing it from that a-hole about DADT. Go on the other thread where women are surprised by their husbands cheating. So, 2 points:
--many women are surprised when husbands cheat. This is on husbands since they have not communicated effectively
--many women say that they were having sex while husbands were cheating. Cheating is a character issue, not a wife issue

Men on here need to stop finding excuses for cheating and not telling wives. Wives need to make a decision on what they want to do after discovering your cheating themselves, don't make that decision for them by hiding it. That's being patronizing. This is not the 1950's.

Sexless wives on here need to stop blaming their men for going elsewhere. If you don’t want sex, either divorce or accept that your marriage is DADT. Very few men with a normal sexlife at home ever cheat. Stop skipping over the overwhelming majority case to focus on the fractional minority case.

When a man in sexless marriage goes elsewhere it is NOT cheating. He is doing his wife a solid by not divorcing her. If she wanted divorce, she would just divorce. There are no secrets or hiding of information. She knows that aren’t having sex. That obviously means he’s having sex elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Seriously. And I’d find it bizarre if my sibling had that conversation with me, like, “I’ve had many, many opportunities to cheat - as you know how I’m conventionally attractive and tall and a millionaire - and I just want you to know, I’ve turned them all down.”

Yep, that would be a bizarre conversation. Fortunately, I have my sight (so can see what my brother looks like) and I have been to his house and the sale of his company was public record, so I can use my brain to deduce that he is wealthy. I don't recall mentioning that he said he has had "many, many opportunities to cheat" - the guy who said he has cheated and is conventionally attractive said "men are as faithful as their options" and implied he had those options due to his looks. I simply pointed out that is not true for all men similarly situated (and noted that my convo with my brother was in the context of discussing another sib who blew up his life by cheating). Sorry if you and your siblings can't have substantive conversations about anything but the weather.

[Anonymous]

For me it was an issue of never having real intimacy with my wife. For 20 years she declined to ever give me a blow job or kiss me passionately. Sex was infrequent and very one sided. I was the giver and she was the taker. Despite multiple conversations about the topic she could never admit there were issues. I told her I wanted real intimacy with her and if she didn't give it I would seek it elsewhere. Nothing changed. I said I wanted a divorce and then went and found someone else. I have experienced more intimacy in a few months of separation than in the total previous 20 years. The sex and passion is amazing. I can't believe I waited so long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given the number of divorces....40%+....plus the number of people who cheat but don’t divorce the better question may be the mindset of the non-cheater. I’m a male, I’ve been married 34 years and I’ve never cheated. Have I been tempted? Of course! I am blessed with a wonderful wife, great kids, good health and money in the bank. We have always had a wonderful sex life so there is no reason for me to cheat. But I have been tempted and have come close to cheating so even with my great life I’ve come close. A less great life and who knows what might have happened. I think the stars have to really be aligned in your favor to not cheat.

This is insightful. I am the mirror image of you, and made the cheating mistake when I was in a low point in my marriage.

The people debating whether sexless marriages are the cause are tripping over themselves. Of course, sometimes it's a cause, sometimes it's just boredom with monogamy, and then fill in all the other reasons people have sex in general from love to pure pleasure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given the number of divorces....40%+....plus the number of people who cheat but don’t divorce the better question may be the mindset of the non-cheater. I’m a male, I’ve been married 34 years and I’ve never cheated. Have I been tempted? Of course! I am blessed with a wonderful wife, great kids, good health and money in the bank. We have always had a wonderful sex life so there is no reason for me to cheat. But I have been tempted and have come close to cheating so even with my great life I’ve come close. A less great life and who knows what might have happened. I think the stars have to really be aligned in your favor to not cheat.

This is insightful. I am the mirror image of you, and made the cheating mistake when I was in a low point in my marriage.

The people debating whether sexless marriages are the cause are tripping over themselves. Of course, sometimes it's a cause, sometimes it's just boredom with monogamy, and then fill in all the other reasons people have sex in general from love to pure pleasure.

It's pretty much the cause, most of the time. A few harpies in here posting about those rare exceptions where they claim the guy was getting all he wanted at home, but his character flaws made him cheat anyway does not change the fact that cheating is most always about a sexually dead marriage.

Oh, just talk to her. Tell her what's going on.

Spare me. Cheating is what happens after all other avenues have been exhausted and the many talks, over years have gone nowhere. I'll ask one last time and then I promise, never again. Does any woman or man really truly in their heart or mind think that their normal libido spouse is going to be OK with them ending their sex life? Do you really think that spouse will just "deal with it?"

When my wife's libido turned off, lack of sex was no problem for her, just for me. Her only problem was me trying to talk to her about it, asking or suggesting sex, or dealing with my feelings of despair and resentment when I truly had no idea what to do and felt like she just didn't care how it affected me, or us. When all that changed in me and I started treating her better and and never again brought up our sex life, tried to flirt, be romantic, or anything she used to fear I was doing just for a chance to have sex with her, she had to know what was going on. If she didn't, I really don't care. Choose to be in denial about it all if that works for you while I do what works for me. I'd still rather have sex with my wife than anyone, and my AP would rather have her sex life back with her husband, so it's far from ideal. But it's not as bad the years feeling alone while playing house with my wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I could tell her but I don't for the same reason I go elsewhere for sex. To keep the peace. There isn't anything I can do to change her mind or re-spark her interest in sex. So I go out and quietly get it with someone in the same situation. It's not ideal but it's better than it was before where I was holding in a lot of resentment towards her. As for letting her make an informed decision to stay married? Are you kidding me? She knows everything she needs to know besides that I have an AP. She knows I still have a strong sex drive. She knows that she has decided to permanently end our sex life, something we once enjoyed. And we had a great sex life. She has decided to stay married in this situation and decided that I just need to deal with it, like it or not. I tried for years to let her know how this affects us, and our likely future. But she has zero interest in addressing it. It just isn't a problem to her. She has decided to stay married in this situation. I've decided to stay married to her and not bother her about our lack of sex life anymore. I NEVER mention anymore and she seems happy with how things are. Telling her about my AP and blowing things up is not a good decision FOR ME right now.

Fixed that for you. Your post is one long rationalization from a selfish liar. Tell her you have an AP and let her decide if she wants to stay married to you. Your posts make it pretty clear why she is not interested in sex WITH YOU.

Yes, it must be me. I'm sure she still wants to have sex, just not with me, right? Because I'm such a brute of a man. You are a riot. Is that how you feel towards your husband? Blowing things up right now would not be good for her. I would be much better off than her if we divorced but, as I said, there are 100 reasons people don't divorce. I didn't go into any of them or mention anything about the rest of our relationship besides our lack of sex. Neither of us wants to end our marriage. This is far from ideal, but it works for now. Does anyone in a marriage, man or woman, really not understand the likely consequences of deciding to end their sex life with their spouse? Serious question I've asked here before and it never gets answered.

I'm guessing if you two divorced now, she would go out and date. And she would have sex. This wouldn't be the end of her romantic life. So yeah, it's you.

You really don't know for certain that she "doesn't want to end the marriage" - she doesn't have all the information about your marriage so she isn't able to make an informed decision. Somehow I'm betting if you said "You're done with sex, but I'm not - I'm having it whether or not you're there". Willing to bet money her response would be anything but "OK! Let's stay married!"

Previous respondents like, DADT open marriage guy were not me. No, it's you who doesn't know for certain. You don't speak for me. I didn't lay out our entire marriage in this thread for it to be dissected. I'm sticking to the subject and you'll just have to take my word for it, or not.

I'm guessing she is done with sex but who knows. If she felt she needed a man in her life, I'm sure she would put out in order to win him over. The skills are still there, just not the desire.

I don't have to tell her about my AP and blow up her life for my wife to "have all the information she needs" to make a decision. She's made a decision for the both of us that this will be a sexless marriage and she damn well sure knows that it not acceptable to me. I sure as hell wouldn't expect my wife to remain chaste if I did the same to her. I don't think that too many people are that clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given the number of divorces....40%+....plus the number of people who cheat but don’t divorce the better question may be the mindset of the non-cheater. I’m a male, I’ve been married 34 years and I’ve never cheated. Have I been tempted? Of course! I am blessed with a wonderful wife, great kids, good health and money in the bank. We have always had a wonderful sex life so there is no reason for me to cheat. But I have been tempted and have come close to cheating so even with my great life I’ve come close. A less great life and who knows what might have happened. I think the stars have to really be aligned in your favor to not cheat.

This is insightful. I am the mirror image of you, and made the cheating mistake when I was in a low point in my marriage.

The people debating whether sexless marriages are the cause are tripping over themselves. Of course, sometimes it's a cause, sometimes it's just boredom with monogamy, and then fill in all the other reasons people have sex in general from love to pure pleasure.

It's pretty much the cause, most of the time. A few harpies in here posting about those rare exceptions where they claim the guy was getting all he wanted at home, but his character flaws made him cheat anyway does not change the fact that cheating is most always about a sexually dead marriage.

Oh, just talk to her. Tell her what's going on.

I am one of the women who knows it's not about the sex at home. I promise to you I have a very pleasant personality.

I won't claim my husband gets "all he wants" at home, much less all he needs. No one person can fulfill 100% of the need of another person. I am perfectly willing to have sex but if my husband gets tired of the same body over twenty years and wants something different, is there really anything I can do to fill this need? If his needs involve sexual variety, is there really anything I can do to become a different person? since the point of variety is that you sleep with someone who isn't your regular partner. I can't supply novelty if that's what he needs.

I am not even saying that's a character flaw. I'm just pointing out to you that sexual needs are about more than regular drainage. If my husband decides he doesn't want to have sex with me because he'd rather have sex with someone else at this particular point, I don't take it personally. It really isn't about me at all.

[Anonymous]

^ but what multiple posters have tried to get you to understand us that she told you her decision but you are lying about yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Seriously. And I’d find it bizarre if my sibling had that conversation with me, like, “I’ve had many, many opportunities to cheat - as you know how I’m conventionally attractive and tall and a millionaire - and I just want you to know, I’ve turned them all down.”

Yep, that would be a bizarre conversation. Fortunately, I have my sight (so can see what my brother looks like) and I have been to his house and the sale of his company was public record, so I can use my brain to deduce that he is wealthy. I don't recall mentioning that he said he has had "many, many opportunities to cheat" - the guy who said he has cheated and is conventionally attractive said "men are as faithful as their options" and implied he had those options due to his looks. I simply pointed out that is not true for all men similarly situated (and noted that my convo with my brother was in the context of discussing another sib who blew up his life by cheating). Sorry if you and your siblings can't have substantive conversations about anything but the weather.

Still, why do you think he'd admit it to you? I've had an AP for 7 years, and no one knows.

[Anonymous]

Some people cheat only because they have been cut of from sex from their spouse. Their mindset is what yours was when you were single and pursued sex.

Some people cheat even when they have a good sex life at home. They like variety, the thrill of the chase.

If you have been cheated on, no one is blaming you specifically. I believe you if you say you were a good spouse and didn't deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ but what multiple posters have tried to get you to understand us that she told you her decision but you are lying about yours.

He’s not lying at all. A normal man with a normal libido who gets no sex at home gets it elsewhere. What part of that do you or PP’s wife not understand? Where is the dishonesty?