Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

[Anonymous]

I was a wayward wife and can only speak to my experience. It was a gradual thing...I kept moving the goalposts and then justifying things in my head to make my choices okay. I would rewrite current and past history to make my actions fit my own narrative I created. Of course I knew what I was doing was wrong...but my brain did mental gymnastics in order to make everything "okay." I didn't want to divorce, and I convinced myself that I deserved something "extra". At first that extra was just talking online but then I found someone I "connected" with and again I created a narrative in my head that we were soul mates. Which led to meetings and PA. It's mind-boggling to me now the things I told myself to make my choices okay, because they were not. They were selfish and self-centered and hurtful and I regret each one.

[Anonymous]

I fell in love with someone else. By the time I cheated, I was fully aware that I’d be getting divorced. I just didn’t have the “guts” to end the relationship first.

[Anonymous]

Think of it this way....

60% cheat

20-25% of the population were molested as a child most will cheat.
1% of the population is bipolar 99% cheat
20% of the population suffers from anxieties only 30% seek treatment... most will cheat.
10% of the population are alcoholics.., most will cheat

On and on and on

[Anonymous]

What kind of person?

The kind of person that knows something is wrong but either doesn't care or can't stop themselves.
Impulsive.
Unable to fully understand what another person may feel as a result of his/her actions.
Engages in self-delusion.
Thinks they will be able to evade consequences.
Wants other people to have a certain view of him/her and willing to engage in deception to achieve that.
Manipulative.
Lies.
Concerned with self-image.
Comfortable with a dual life and compartmentalizing.
Unable to put other people's interests ahead of own.
Obsessive thought patterns.
Unable to self-regulate emotions.
Irresponsible.

I'm sure there's more.....

[Anonymous]

Honestly for me it was far more primal. No real decision making process, I just reacted to an opportunity that unfolded. I’m the wife. Married for 5 years. Don’t really great it. We’re all just animals.

[Anonymous]

*regret

[Anonymous]

that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok

Not all of them do. Narcissistic sociopaths don't.

Others find a way to rationalize it, usually by blaming their SO. Often involves revising the past such that their SO was "bad" and therefore deserves to be cheated on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a wayward wife and can only speak to my experience. It was a gradual thing...I kept moving the goalposts and then justifying things in my head to make my choices okay. I would rewrite current and past history to make my actions fit my own narrative I created. Of course I knew what I was doing was wrong...but my brain did mental gymnastics in order to make everything "okay." I didn't want to divorce, and I convinced myself that I deserved something "extra". At first that extra was just talking online but then I found someone I "connected" with and again I created a narrative in my head that we were soul mates. Which led to meetings and PA. It's mind-boggling to me now the things I told myself to make my choices okay, because they were not. They were selfish and self-centered and hurtful and I regret each one.

My XW did all this mental gymnastics too, but I don't think she ever reached that last part where she realized it was wrong, selfish, hurtful, and to be regretted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a wayward wife and can only speak to my experience. It was a gradual thing...I kept moving the goalposts and then justifying things in my head to make my choices okay. I would rewrite current and past history to make my actions fit my own narrative I created. Of course I knew what I was doing was wrong...but my brain did mental gymnastics in order to make everything "okay." I didn't want to divorce, and I convinced myself that I deserved something "extra". At first that extra was just talking online but then I found someone I "connected" with and again I created a narrative in my head that we were soul mates. Which led to meetings and PA. It's mind-boggling to me now the things I told myself to make my choices okay, because they were not. They were selfish and self-centered and hurtful and I regret each one.

Thank you for explaining that. That was very useful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly for me it was far more primal. No real decision making process, I just reacted to an opportunity that unfolded. I’m the wife. Married for 5 years. Don’t really great it. We’re all just animals.

If I wanted to create a family with an animal, I'd get a dog.

[Anonymous]

I have never cheated but I understand why some people do. For me, that understanding came when my DH had been in a major depressive episode for nearly 2 years. We had three young children, two with special needs and 3-5 therapy appointments with them a week. DH had a toxic job situation and we had agreed he should quit and take a 6 month break. During that break, he was supposed to be a SAD, taking kids to therapies and managing the household. He did none of that. His depression medication was no longer effective and he refused all efforts to get him to his doctor to have it adjusted. I, literally, ended up doing everything while WFT. He couldn't be counted on to do anything and, worse, I had to run interference between him and our kids.

This period was exhausting and soul crushing situation. My physical and mental health were suffering. I was beat down, at the end of my emotional rope and craving love. It was at that point that I knew if the right guy came along and offered me sympathy, support and understanding, I could see myself having an affair. Shortly afterwards, I was diagnosed with depression (I thought I was peri-menopausal but the OB/GYN said depression). I had 'caught' it from DH and ended up on an SSRI myself. The SSRI really helped and I was on it for over a year.

As I said earlier, I did not have an affair. Had I had one, I would have been wrong to do so. But, I understand why some people may fall into one and, as I have gotten older, I am less likely to make blanket judgments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think of it this way....

60% cheat

20-25% of the population were molested as a child most will cheat.
1% of the population is bipolar 99% cheat
20% of the population suffers from anxieties only 30% seek treatment... most will cheat.
10% of the population are alcoholics.., most will cheat

On and on and on

Source for those statistics, particularly the “most will cheat” ones?

[Anonymous]

Narcissists. Selfish.

[Anonymous]

Given the number of divorces....40%+....plus the number of people who cheat but don’t divorce the better question may be the mindset of the non-cheater. I’m a male, I’ve been married 34 years and I’ve never cheated. Have I been tempted? Of course! I am blessed with a wonderful wife, great kids, good health and money in the bank. We have always had a wonderful sex life so there is no reason for me to cheat. But I have been tempted and have come close to cheating so even with my great life I’ve come close. A less great life and who knows what might have happened. I think the stars have to really be aligned in your favor to not cheat.