Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I wasn't looking for your approval. OP asked my mindset and I gave it.

Anyway, from what I can tell, and I know a lot of men who have cheated, I really think it comes down to the old adage that men are as faithful as their options. I suppose I would admit that I am tall, conventionally attractive and outgoing, so I do get propositioned, as many men do in my situation, and I have turned down most offers but not all. The second thing is you can really minimize the risk by giving your man something to lose, i.e. make the bedroom hot for him. It won't guarantee he won't cheat, but being a prude will guarantee he will - if he can.

Perhaps marry an introvert who doesn't travel for work and has a lower libido, would probably be your best chance to have a faithful man under all conditions.

I think this is something you tell yourself to feel better. My brother is tall, conventionally attractive, travels a lot for work and has a $15 million house. He has options, but is faithful (we have talked about it). My DH is outgoing, in great shape, travels a lot and is a super high earner. He said lots of people cheat at work conferences. He doesn't - sometimes I travel with him, other times I don't, but he feels like we have a great family and has no interest in blowing it up. I also have options but totally agree with him. So, just own your lack of character and call it what it is, because there are lots of good guys who don't lie and cheat like you do.

PP here, ok, I will admit I am not perfect, my character sucks, whatever.

Anyway, I certainly wasn't implying that all men cheat, and I have no reason to doubt you married one of the good ones. As you said, he has a good home life, assuredly a good sex life so he doesn't want to lose it.

As he said, a lot of people cheat from what he's seen, so I suppose you can chalk up a huge set of men as just morally bankrupt, myself included, and most men I know. Not all though, for sure, and sounds like you hit the lottery so share your secrets of what you did right and all these other women did wrong.

I'm the original poster you responded to (not the pp in your response) but my answer would be that it's you, not the wife. You cheated even before your "sexless" period and so how can it be about anyone else? You also just mentioned that it's the opportunity which drives men to cheat (you know tall, outgoing men) which again means that it's not about your wife. Honestly, it's either that all men are like this (driven by opportunity), or that there is a certain mindset which pre-disposes a man to cheat (I discarded that it's the wife/life situation since that's not the case in your example). If it's opportunity, then women shouldn't trust any man at anytime and men shouldn't expect that women should trust them.

[Anonymous]

I'm the original poster you responded to (not the pp in your response) but my answer would be that it's you, not the wife. You cheated even before your "sexless" period and so how can it be about anyone else? You also just mentioned that it's the opportunity which drives men to cheat (you know tall, outgoing men) which again means that it's not about your wife. Honestly, it's either that all men are like this (driven by opportunity), or that there is a certain mindset which pre-disposes a man to cheat (I discarded that it's the wife/life situation since that's not the case in your example). If it's opportunity, then women shouldn't trust any man at anytime and men shouldn't expect that women should trust them.

Trust what? That over the course of a long, long life, with monogamy being completely unnatural and that 100% of men want to and at times crave beyond belief, the idea of sex with other women, that the man will 100% never screw up? It's a big ask. If you aren't in a situation to screw up, and your marriage is good so you aren't seeking a screw up, it's possible, sure.

But I would flip the question - no you shouldn't trust anyone 100% that they will never make a mistake. To err is human. Infidelity is a tale as old as time. I don't 100% trust a partner not to cheat because people aren't robots, and once you accept this, the idea of infidelity isn't that scary. Your spouse had sex with people before you and it didn't ruin them.

[Anonymous]

The sister who thinks her attractive, rich brother doesn't cheat "because they've talked about it" is so naive it hurts.

[Anonymous]

I think there are people who would walk out of their mediocre marriages in a heartbeat if they had the money and felt life would truly be better on the other side. People are very fearful, too. They like the status quo, even if it's far from ideal. Losing the good-enough but not great spouse, and full-time access to the kids, and the nice house, and the social position, and the family approval, is a lot for most people, especially if you've never hit rockbottom in life. Who wants to start over again at 40, 50, 60? Poor at 30 is different from poor at 60.

Without the money and the courage to remove oneself from unhappiness, well, cheating is an option. It's risky, painful, cruel but it's the lesser of two evils for some-- especially if you find someone who makes you feel attractive, or even better, valuable, cared for, wanted, cherished. It's life support. Based on some of the responses here, it's a drug. You've lost attraction to your spouse. They lost attraction to you. Or they may still be attractive to you but there's nothing there. Not even a friendship. People change and become better, or worse, versions of themselves. Many here will scream VOWS! Well, those vows were written when our average lifespan was about 35. You're in a bad marriage in the year 1750? Well, there's a good chance a war or childbirth or a toothache will take out the spouse you want to lose.

For those in bad marriages-- or not even bad, just unfulfilling marriages-- walking away would wreak unbelievable havoc. And when kids are involved, forget it. You better really hate your spouse or be a victim of abuse to get out. It's a job you're not allowed to leave for something better simply because you've outgrown your role. Even if the person you're cheating with is fantastic, the best match for you, the hell you'll face for divorcing and the possible lower standard of living, alimony payments and alienation from friends and family isn't worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm the original poster you responded to (not the pp in your response) but my answer would be that it's you, not the wife. You cheated even before your "sexless" period and so how can it be about anyone else? You also just mentioned that it's the opportunity which drives men to cheat (you know tall, outgoing men) which again means that it's not about your wife. Honestly, it's either that all men are like this (driven by opportunity), or that there is a certain mindset which pre-disposes a man to cheat (I discarded that it's the wife/life situation since that's not the case in your example). If it's opportunity, then women shouldn't trust any man at anytime and men shouldn't expect that women should trust them.

Trust what? That over the course of a long, long life, with monogamy being completely unnatural and that 100% of men want to and at times crave beyond belief, the idea of sex with other women, that the man will 100% never screw up? It's a big ask. If you aren't in a situation to screw up, and your marriage is good so you aren't seeking a screw up, it's possible, sure.

But I would flip the question - no you shouldn't trust anyone 100% that they will never make a mistake. To err is human. Infidelity is a tale as old as time. I don't 100% trust a partner not to cheat because people aren't robots, and once you accept this, the idea of infidelity isn't that scary. Your spouse had sex with people before you and it didn't ruin them.

Marriages go through ups/downs and so to think that my husband didn't cheat because marriage has always been perfect wouldn't be truthful.

If cheating isn't a big issue for you, no worries but find a wife who will have the same mindset. Problem is that you have this mindset but then marry a monogamous woman and also that you expect wife to have your mindset (infidelity isn't a big deal, just accept it) which she clearly doesn't. Maybe your viewpoints are more important than hers in this relationship and so for you your wife's belief doesn't matter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are people who would walk out of their mediocre marriages in a heartbeat if they had the money and felt life would truly be better on the other side. People are very fearful, too. They like the status quo, even if it's far from ideal. Losing the good-enough but not great spouse, and full-time access to the kids, and the nice house, and the social position, and the family approval, is a lot for most people, especially if you've never hit rockbottom in life. Who wants to start over again at 40, 50, 60? Poor at 30 is different from poor at 60.

Without the money and the courage to remove oneself from unhappiness, well, cheating is an option. It's risky, painful, cruel but it's the lesser of two evils for some-- especially if you find someone who makes you feel attractive, or even better, valuable, cared for, wanted, cherished. It's life support. Based on some of the responses here, it's a drug. You've lost attraction to your spouse. They lost attraction to you. Or they may still be attractive to you but there's nothing there. Not even a friendship. People change and become better, or worse, versions of themselves. Many here will scream VOWS! Well, those vows were written when our average lifespan was about 35. You're in a bad marriage in the year 1750? Well, there's a good chance a war or childbirth or a toothache will take out the spouse you want to lose.

For those in bad marriages-- or not even bad, just unfulfilling marriages-- walking away would wreak unbelievable havoc. And when kids are involved, forget it. You better really hate your spouse or be a victim of abuse to get out. It's a job you're not allowed to leave for something better simply because you've outgrown your role. Even if the person you're cheating with is fantastic, the best match for you, the hell you'll face for divorcing and the possible lower standard of living, alimony payments and alienation from friends and family isn't worth it.

Don't get married if you don't want to follow the vows. See, so easy.

Do 50/50 right from the bat if you want kids and don't want to get married. See, so easy.

You don't want consequences of cheating, then don't cheat. Otherwise, don't be even more selfish by not telling your wife and not giving her the choice. Seriously, this whole issue is about you making a decision for your wife. That is so 1950's. You know women can make money on their own, make decisions on their own, keep a household on their own (yes things have progressed since 1950's). Don't be that guy who think that he knows what's best for his wife/kids. You don't.

[Anonymous]

The sister who thinks her attractive, rich brother doesn't cheat "because they've talked about it" is so naive it hurts.

Nope, not even a little bit naive. In fact, we discussed it in the context of a conversation about our cheating sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I could tell her but I don't for the same reason I go elsewhere for sex. To keep the peace. There isn't anything I can do to change her mind or re-spark her interest in sex. So I go out and quietly get it with someone in the same situation. It's not ideal but it's better than it was before where I was holding in a lot of resentment towards her. As for letting her make an informed decision to stay married? Are you kidding me? She knows everything she needs to know besides that I have an AP. She knows I still have a strong sex drive. She knows that she has decided to permanently end our sex life, something we once enjoyed. And we had a great sex life. She has decided to stay married in this situation and decided that I just need to deal with it, like it or not. I tried for years to let her know how this affects us, and our likely future. But she has zero interest in addressing it. It just isn't a problem to her. She has decided to stay married in this situation. I've decided to stay married to her and not bother her about our lack of sex life anymore. I NEVER mention anymore and she seems happy with how things are. Telling her about my AP and blowing things up is not a good decision FOR ME right now.

Fixed that for you. Your post is one long rationalization from a selfish liar. Tell her you have an AP and let her decide if she wants to stay married to you. Your posts make it pretty clear why she is not interested in sex WITH YOU.

Yes, it must be me. I'm sure she still wants to have sex, just not with me, right? Because I'm such a brute of a man. You are a riot. Is that how you feel towards your husband? Blowing things up right now would not be good for her. I would be much better off than her if we divorced but, as I said, there are 100 reasons people don't divorce. I didn't go into any of them or mention anything about the rest of our relationship besides our lack of sex. Neither of us wants to end our marriage. This is far from ideal, but it works for now. Does anyone in a marriage, man or woman, really not understand the likely consequences of deciding to end their sex life with their spouse? Serious question I've asked here before and it never gets answered.

I'm guessing if you two divorced now, she would go out and date. And she would have sex. This wouldn't be the end of her romantic life. So yeah, it's you.

You really don't know for certain that she "doesn't want to end the marriage" - she doesn't have all the information about your marriage so she isn't able to make an informed decision. Somehow I'm betting if you said "You're done with sex, but I'm not - I'm having it whether or not you're there". Willing to bet money her response would be anything but "OK! Let's stay married!"

A sexless wife must divorce if she feels this way. All sexless marriages are simply DADT. Men do not remain celibate. She has all the information she needs. If you are in a “sexless” marriage, your spouse isn’t sexless they are just going elsewhere. If that’s a problem then divorce now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
A sexless wife must divorce if she feels this way. All sexless marriages are simply DADT. Men do not remain celibate. She has all the information she needs. If you are in a “sexless” marriage, your spouse isn’t sexless they are just going elsewhere. If that’s a problem then divorce now.

OMG shoot my now. I'm starting to believe this I've read it on this stupid board so many times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A sexless wife must divorce if she feels this way. All sexless marriages are simply DADT. Men do not remain celibate. She has all the information she needs. If you are in a “sexless” marriage, your spouse isn’t sexless they are just going elsewhere. If that’s a problem then divorce now.

OMG shoot my now. I'm starting to believe this I've read it on this stupid board so many times.

I am not the guy who writes this, and I think he is an idiot for dispensing advice such as declaring your marriage open. But that being said, he's probably right that most marriages that are sexless for some reason other than illness, old age, childbirth, are DADT and someone is getting it on the side. Most, not all. Celibacy doesn't last over time. You really think people with healthy sex drives go years without it?

[Anonymous]

Starvation drives people to do things they would not otherwise do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Starvation drives people to do things they would not otherwise do.

well then either talk with your spouse or divorce. No excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A sexless wife must divorce if she feels this way. All sexless marriages are simply DADT. Men do not remain celibate. She has all the information she needs. If you are in a “sexless” marriage, your spouse isn’t sexless they are just going elsewhere. If that’s a problem then divorce now.

OMG shoot my now. I'm starting to believe this I've read it on this stupid board so many times.

Incels

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A sexless wife must divorce if she feels this way. All sexless marriages are simply DADT. Men do not remain celibate. She has all the information she needs. If you are in a “sexless” marriage, your spouse isn’t sexless they are just going elsewhere. If that’s a problem then divorce now.

OMG shoot my now. I'm starting to believe this I've read it on this stupid board so many times.

I am not the guy who writes this, and I think he is an idiot for dispensing advice such as declaring your marriage open. But that being said, he's probably right that most marriages that are sexless for some reason other than illness, old age, childbirth, are DADT and someone is getting it on the side. Most, not all. Celibacy doesn't last over time. You really think people with healthy sex drives go years without it?

OK I'm tired of hearing it from that a-hole about DADT. Go on the other thread where women are surprised by their husbands cheating. So, 2 points:
--many women are surprised when husbands cheat. This is on husbands since they have not communicated effectively
--many women say that they were having sex while husbands were cheating. Cheating is a character issue, not a wife issue

Men on here need to stop finding excuses for cheating and not telling wives. Wives need to make a decision on what they want to do after discovering your cheating themselves, don't make that decision for them by hiding it. That's being patronizing. This is not the 1950's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A sexless wife must divorce if she feels this way. All sexless marriages are simply DADT. Men do not remain celibate. She has all the information she needs. If you are in a “sexless” marriage, your spouse isn’t sexless they are just going elsewhere. If that’s a problem then divorce now.

OMG shoot my now. I'm starting to believe this I've read it on this stupid board so many times.

I am not the guy who writes this, and I think he is an idiot for dispensing advice such as declaring your marriage open. But that being said, he's probably right that most marriages that are sexless for some reason other than illness, old age, childbirth, are DADT and someone is getting it on the side. Most, not all. Celibacy doesn't last over time. You really think people with healthy sex drives go years without it?

OK I'm tired of hearing it from that a-hole about DADT. Go on the other thread where women are surprised by their husbands cheating. So, 2 points:
--many women are surprised when husbands cheat. This is on husbands since they have not communicated effectively
--many women say that they were having sex while husbands were cheating. Cheating is a character issue, not a wife issue

Men on here need to stop finding excuses for cheating and not telling wives. Wives need to make a decision on what they want to do after discovering your cheating themselves, don't make that decision for them by hiding it. That's being patronizing. This is not the 1950's.

Why are you arguing with an incel?