Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a lot of cases it is opportunity + feeling deserving + thinking nobody will find out.

I had a husband who was the picture of a family man and claimed to be happy with me, and he got drunk and slept with a colleague during a company outing. Claims it was not premeditated or planned, just a dumb decision in the moment. There was no intention in telling the spouses. But then it was all discovered, both lost their jobs, and her husband and I divorced them.

The wounds from their selfish choices are something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life and who knows how all of this will impact the six kids our families have between us who now have to live with the repercussions of one of their parents making terrible decisions that stole their stability and ripped apart their families.

Oh man. An hour of selfish pleasure took down two families painfully. How did the two cheaters work out?

He lost his career and is trying to start in a different industry. Essentially lost all financial footing. She is working in industry still to my knowledge. They have no contact from what others have told me.

How did they get caught?

Turned in by colleagues, one tipped off her husband too then I found out

Just want to say sorry to hear that. Bad enough he cheated, but worse that it was somewhat public. You didn't deserve all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a lot of cases it is opportunity + feeling deserving + thinking nobody will find out.

I had a husband who was the picture of a family man and claimed to be happy with me, and he got drunk and slept with a colleague during a company outing. Claims it was not premeditated or planned, just a dumb decision in the moment. There was no intention in telling the spouses. But then it was all discovered, both lost their jobs, and her husband and I divorced them.

The wounds from their selfish choices are something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life and who knows how all of this will impact the six kids our families have between us who now have to live with the repercussions of one of their parents making terrible decisions that stole their stability and ripped apart their families.

Oh man. An hour of selfish pleasure took down two families painfully. How did the two cheaters work out?

He lost his career and is trying to start in a different industry. Essentially lost all financial footing. She is working in industry still to my knowledge. They have no contact from what others have told me.

How did they get caught?

Turned in by colleagues, one tipped off her husband too then I found out

Just want to say sorry to hear that. Bad enough he cheated, but worse that it was somewhat public. You didn't deserve all that.

+100 nobody deserves to be cheated on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a lot of cases it is opportunity + feeling deserving + thinking nobody will find out.

I had a husband who was the picture of a family man and claimed to be happy with me, and he got drunk and slept with a colleague during a company outing. Claims it was not premeditated or planned, just a dumb decision in the moment. There was no intention in telling the spouses. But then it was all discovered, both lost their jobs, and her husband and I divorced them.

The wounds from their selfish choices are something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life and who knows how all of this will impact the six kids our families have between us who now have to live with the repercussions of one of their parents making terrible decisions that stole their stability and ripped apart their families.

Curious what made you divorce if it was a one-off mistake and you have kids? Did you entertain the idea of staying?

My spouse had cheated before and wasted the second chance offered to him after loads of counseling and marital therapy. Wasn’t getting a third chance and he knew it. Don’t think it was his AP’s first rodeo either. They stayed together a little longer from my understanding.

How long was it before the second “incident?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a lot of cases it is opportunity + feeling deserving + thinking nobody will find out.

I had a husband who was the picture of a family man and claimed to be happy with me, and he got drunk and slept with a colleague during a company outing. Claims it was not premeditated or planned, just a dumb decision in the moment. There was no intention in telling the spouses. But then it was all discovered, both lost their jobs, and her husband and I divorced them.

The wounds from their selfish choices are something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life and who knows how all of this will impact the six kids our families have between us who now have to live with the repercussions of one of their parents making terrible decisions that stole their stability and ripped apart their families.

Oh man. An hour of selfish pleasure took down two families painfully. How did the two cheaters work out?

He lost his career and is trying to start in a different industry. Essentially lost all financial footing. She is working in industry still to my knowledge. They have no contact from what others have told me.

How did they get caught?

Turned in by colleagues, one tipped off her husband too then I found out

Just want to say sorry to hear that. Bad enough he cheated, but worse that it was somewhat public. You didn't deserve all that.

Thank you. It was very public, I unfortunately was ghosted by some people in the industry / community though I did nothing wrong. He continues to make bad choices that hurt my kids and me; latest stopping financial help for things we’d agreed on, like contributing to 529s. Talks to kids 1-2 a week, sees them every 6 weeks for less than 48 hours. I wouldn’t wish this series of events on anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a lot of cases it is opportunity + feeling deserving + thinking nobody will find out.

I had a husband who was the picture of a family man and claimed to be happy with me, and he got drunk and slept with a colleague during a company outing. Claims it was not premeditated or planned, just a dumb decision in the moment. There was no intention in telling the spouses. But then it was all discovered, both lost their jobs, and her husband and I divorced them.

The wounds from their selfish choices are something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life and who knows how all of this will impact the six kids our families have between us who now have to live with the repercussions of one of their parents making terrible decisions that stole their stability and ripped apart their families.

Curious what made you divorce if it was a one-off mistake and you have kids? Did you entertain the idea of staying?

My spouse had cheated before and wasted the second chance offered to him after loads of counseling and marital therapy. Wasn’t getting a third chance and he knew it. Don’t think it was his AP’s first rodeo either. They stayed together a little longer from my understanding.

How long was it before the second “incident?”

8 years but of course I’m sure he was cheating along the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a lot of cases it is opportunity + feeling deserving + thinking nobody will find out.

I had a husband who was the picture of a family man and claimed to be happy with me, and he got drunk and slept with a colleague during a company outing. Claims it was not premeditated or planned, just a dumb decision in the moment. There was no intention in telling the spouses. But then it was all discovered, both lost their jobs, and her husband and I divorced them.

The wounds from their selfish choices are something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life and who knows how all of this will impact the six kids our families have between us who now have to live with the repercussions of one of their parents making terrible decisions that stole their stability and ripped apart their families.

Oh man. An hour of selfish pleasure took down two families painfully. How did the two cheaters work out?

He lost his career and is trying to start in a different industry. Essentially lost all financial footing. She is working in industry still to my knowledge. They have no contact from what others have told me.

Why were they both fired?

Probably company policy not to bang other co-workers. The fact they were both married probably made it even more untenable to upper management.

Yes, affairs were a no for their employer. Both terminated.

Affairs were a no? I’ve never heard of a company that cares whether you are married or not (or in an open relationship or whatever ). That’s your own business.

It usually only matters to the company if you have a working relationship or there is a title difference (eg, a clevel and an analyst) because the focus of workplace policy is on the workplace, not the home. Marital status doesn’t matter, and I’m sure legal doesn’t want companies to go there either.

That said I never worked for a company with a strong faith based mission or values or that believed they could regulate employees’ personal lives. Maybe it’s different at a Hobby lobby or a smaller family run employer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a lot of cases it is opportunity + feeling deserving + thinking nobody will find out.

I had a husband who was the picture of a family man and claimed to be happy with me, and he got drunk and slept with a colleague during a company outing. Claims it was not premeditated or planned, just a dumb decision in the moment. There was no intention in telling the spouses. But then it was all discovered, both lost their jobs, and her husband and I divorced them.

The wounds from their selfish choices are something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life and who knows how all of this will impact the six kids our families have between us who now have to live with the repercussions of one of their parents making terrible decisions that stole their stability and ripped apart their families.

Oh man. An hour of selfish pleasure took down two families painfully. How did the two cheaters work out?

He lost his career and is trying to start in a different industry. Essentially lost all financial footing. She is working in industry still to my knowledge. They have no contact from what others have told me.

Why were they both fired?

Probably company policy not to bang other co-workers. The fact they were both married probably made it even more untenable to upper management.

Yes, affairs were a no for their employer. Both terminated.

Affairs were a no? I’ve never heard of a company that cares whether you are married or not (or in an open relationship or whatever ). That’s your own business.

It usually only matters to the company if you have a working relationship or there is a title difference (eg, a clevel and an analyst) because the focus of workplace policy is on the workplace, not the home. Marital status doesn’t matter, and I’m sure legal doesn’t want companies to go there either.

That said I never worked for a company with a strong faith based mission or values or that believed they could regulate employees’ personal lives. Maybe it’s different at a Hobby lobby or a smaller family run employer?

Military and government tend to be stricter than private companies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a lot of cases it is opportunity + feeling deserving + thinking nobody will find out.

I had a husband who was the picture of a family man and claimed to be happy with me, and he got drunk and slept with a colleague during a company outing. Claims it was not premeditated or planned, just a dumb decision in the moment. There was no intention in telling the spouses. But then it was all discovered, both lost their jobs, and her husband and I divorced them.

The wounds from their selfish choices are something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life and who knows how all of this will impact the six kids our families have between us who now have to live with the repercussions of one of their parents making terrible decisions that stole their stability and ripped apart their families.

Oh man. An hour of selfish pleasure took down two families painfully. How did the two cheaters work out?

He lost his career and is trying to start in a different industry. Essentially lost all financial footing. She is working in industry still to my knowledge. They have no contact from what others have told me.

How did they get caught?

Turned in by colleagues, one tipped off her husband too then I found out

Just want to say sorry to hear that. Bad enough he cheated, but worse that it was somewhat public. You didn't deserve all that.

Thank you. It was very public, I unfortunately was ghosted by some people in the industry / community though I did nothing wrong. He continues to make bad choices that hurt my kids and me; latest stopping financial help for things we’d agreed on, like contributing to 529s. Talks to kids 1-2 a week, sees them every 6 weeks for less than 48 hours. I wouldn’t wish this series of events on anyone.

PP, I am sorry you had to go through this pain. Your experience was mine also, right down to the failure to contribute financially and the failure to see the kids. It has been sad for them, bug with the help of therapy, they learned to see their Dad’s flaws instead of personalizing his lack of empathy as their personal unworthiness.

Fundamentally, cheaters have an inability to empathize, an high appetite for risk-taking, a willingness to present a double life, a habit of dishonesty and general impulsivity and desire to manipulate others for personal gain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a lot of cases it is opportunity + feeling deserving + thinking nobody will find out.

I had a husband who was the picture of a family man and claimed to be happy with me, and he got drunk and slept with a colleague during a company outing. Claims it was not premeditated or planned, just a dumb decision in the moment. There was no intention in telling the spouses. But then it was all discovered, both lost their jobs, and her husband and I divorced them.

The wounds from their selfish choices are something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life and who knows how all of this will impact the six kids our families have between us who now have to live with the repercussions of one of their parents making terrible decisions that stole their stability and ripped apart their families.

Oh man. An hour of selfish pleasure took down two families painfully. How did the two cheaters work out?

He lost his career and is trying to start in a different industry. Essentially lost all financial footing. She is working in industry still to my knowledge. They have no contact from what others have told me.

How did they get caught?

Turned in by colleagues, one tipped off her husband too then I found out

Just want to say sorry to hear that. Bad enough he cheated, but worse that it was somewhat public. You didn't deserve all that.

Thank you. It was very public, I unfortunately was ghosted by some people in the industry / community though I did nothing wrong. He continues to make bad choices that hurt my kids and me; latest stopping financial help for things we’d agreed on, like contributing to 529s. Talks to kids 1-2 a week, sees them every 6 weeks for less than 48 hours. I wouldn’t wish this series of events on anyone.

PP, I am sorry you had to go through this pain. Your experience was mine also, right down to the failure to contribute financially and the failure to see the kids. It has been sad for them, bug with the help of therapy, they learned to see their Dad’s flaws instead of personalizing his lack of empathy as their personal unworthiness.

Fundamentally, cheaters have an inability to empathize, an high appetite for risk-taking, a willingness to present a double life, a habit of dishonesty and general impulsivity and desire to manipulate others for personal gain.

+100 that's my neighbor. She's a piece of work. She claims to be 'so empathetic. It's her super power', yet she goes through life wrecking people's lives, cheating, etc.

[Anonymous]

"In a lot of cases it is opportunity + feeling deserving + thinking nobody will find out."

Someone posted this above, and I think this is essentially true, especially for men. I cheated, and this was essentially why. Sex is great, sex with someone new is hot, I thought it was an opportunity that would never present itself again and I was fairly sure I wouldn't get caught.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"In a lot of cases it is opportunity + feeling deserving + thinking nobody will find out."

Someone posted this above, and I think this is essentially true, especially for men. I cheated, and this was essentially why. Sex is great, sex with someone new is hot, I thought it was an opportunity that would never present itself again and I was fairly sure I wouldn't get caught.

Did you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"In a lot of cases it is opportunity + feeling deserving + thinking nobody will find out."

Someone posted this above, and I think this is essentially true, especially for men. I cheated, and this was essentially why. Sex is great, sex with someone new is hot, I thought it was an opportunity that would never present itself again and I was fairly sure I wouldn't get caught.

Was anything particularly wrong with your marriage? Were you and your wife regularly having sex? (I am assuming you are a man) Did you consider your wife’s feelings or your own personal integrity? Even if the risk seemed low, the cost of getting caught is SO HIGH- your marriage, your money, your time with your kids, your reputation are all on the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a lot of cases it is opportunity + feeling deserving + thinking nobody will find out.

I had a husband who was the picture of a family man and claimed to be happy with me, and he got drunk and slept with a colleague during a company outing. Claims it was not premeditated or planned, just a dumb decision in the moment. There was no intention in telling the spouses. But then it was all discovered, both lost their jobs, and her husband and I divorced them.

The wounds from their selfish choices are something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life and who knows how all of this will impact the six kids our families have between us who now have to live with the repercussions of one of their parents making terrible decisions that stole their stability and ripped apart their families.

Oh man. An hour of selfish pleasure took down two families painfully. How did the two cheaters work out?

He lost his career and is trying to start in a different industry. Essentially lost all financial footing. She is working in industry still to my knowledge. They have no contact from what others have told me.

How did they get caught?

Turned in by colleagues, one tipped off her husband too then I found out

Just want to say sorry to hear that. Bad enough he cheated, but worse that it was somewhat public. You didn't deserve all that.

Thank you. It was very public, I unfortunately was ghosted by some people in the industry / community though I did nothing wrong. He continues to make bad choices that hurt my kids and me; latest stopping financial help for things we’d agreed on, like contributing to 529s. Talks to kids 1-2 a week, sees them every 6 weeks for less than 48 hours. I wouldn’t wish this series of events on anyone.

PP, I am sorry you had to go through this pain. Your experience was mine also, right down to the failure to contribute financially and the failure to see the kids. It has been sad for them, bug with the help of therapy, they learned to see their Dad’s flaws instead of personalizing his lack of empathy as their personal unworthiness.

Fundamentally, cheaters have an inability to empathize, an high appetite for risk-taking, a willingness to present a double life, a habit of dishonesty and general impulsivity and desire to manipulate others for personal gain.

Thank you. I have a lot of shame and embarrassment over what he did and my association to somebody who could and would destroy so much and act so selfishly. I will never ever recover from the betrayal and feel I will carry deep resentment for the rest of my life. He has hurt me in more ways than I ever thought somebody could feel pain.

And his decision to stop the financial help he promised is disgusting. We are still finalizing the decree (so not yet officially divorced but have been apart for some time) and I will now waste money I don’t really have to waste fighting him to financially help. I am working but it is very low pay. He refuses to contribute to summer camps or childcare and I am stuck taking random contract work since I have to manage my kids full time. I make little and if he pulls the spousal support he promised I will have to move with the kids to a different state and in with family. All of it is to their detriment. And he simply does not care. And this is someone he states he didn’t plan to cheat and was happy with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"In a lot of cases it is opportunity + feeling deserving + thinking nobody will find out."

Someone posted this above, and I think this is essentially true, especially for men. I cheated, and this was essentially why. Sex is great, sex with someone new is hot, I thought it was an opportunity that would never present itself again and I was fairly sure I wouldn't get caught.

Did you?

I did not get caught. It was 5 years ago so hopefully in the clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a lot of cases it is opportunity + feeling deserving + thinking nobody will find out.

I had a husband who was the picture of a family man and claimed to be happy with me, and he got drunk and slept with a colleague during a company outing. Claims it was not premeditated or planned, just a dumb decision in the moment. There was no intention in telling the spouses. But then it was all discovered, both lost their jobs, and her husband and I divorced them.

The wounds from their selfish choices are something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life and who knows how all of this will impact the six kids our families have between us who now have to live with the repercussions of one of their parents making terrible decisions that stole their stability and ripped apart their families.

Oh man. An hour of selfish pleasure took down two families painfully. How did the two cheaters work out?

He lost his career and is trying to start in a different industry. Essentially lost all financial footing. She is working in industry still to my knowledge. They have no contact from what others have told me.

How did they get caught?

Turned in by colleagues, one tipped off her husband too then I found out

Just want to say sorry to hear that. Bad enough he cheated, but worse that it was somewhat public. You didn't deserve all that.

Thank you. It was very public, I unfortunately was ghosted by some people in the industry / community though I did nothing wrong. He continues to make bad choices that hurt my kids and me; latest stopping financial help for things we’d agreed on, like contributing to 529s. Talks to kids 1-2 a week, sees them every 6 weeks for less than 48 hours. I wouldn’t wish this series of events on anyone.

PP, I am sorry you had to go through this pain. Your experience was mine also, right down to the failure to contribute financially and the failure to see the kids. It has been sad for them, bug with the help of therapy, they learned to see their Dad’s flaws instead of personalizing his lack of empathy as their personal unworthiness.

Fundamentally, cheaters have an inability to empathize, an high appetite for risk-taking, a willingness to present a double life, a habit of dishonesty and general impulsivity and desire to manipulate others for personal gain.

Thank you. I have a lot of shame and embarrassment over what he did and my association to somebody who could and would destroy so much and act so selfishly. I will never ever recover from the betrayal and feel I will carry deep resentment for the rest of my life. He has hurt me in more ways than I ever thought somebody could feel pain.

And his decision to stop the financial help he promised is disgusting. We are still finalizing the decree (so not yet officially divorced but have been apart for some time) and I will now waste money I don’t really have to waste fighting him to financially help. I am working but it is very low pay. He refuses to contribute to summer camps or childcare and I am stuck taking random contract work since I have to manage my kids full time. I make little and if he pulls the spousal support he promised I will have to move with the kids to a different state and in with family. All of it is to their detriment. And he simply does not care. And this is someone he states he didn’t plan to cheat and was happy with me.

Can you ask your attorney to ask if court can order him to pay your attorney fees out of his share of marital assets given your low wage?