Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I could tell her but I don't for the same reason I go elsewhere for sex. To keep the peace. There isn't anything I can do to change her mind or re-spark her interest in sex. So I go out and quietly get it with someone in the same situation. It's not ideal but it's better than it was before where I was holding in a lot of resentment towards her. As for letting her make an informed decision to stay married? Are you kidding me? She knows everything she needs to know besides that I have an AP. She knows I still have a strong sex drive. She knows that she has decided to permanently end our sex life, something we once enjoyed. And we had a great sex life. She has decided to stay married in this situation and decided that I just need to deal with it, like it or not. I tried for years to let her know how this affects us, and our likely future. But she has zero interest in addressing it. It just isn't a problem to her. She has decided to stay married in this situation. I've decided to stay married to her and not bother her about our lack of sex life anymore. I NEVER mention anymore and she seems happy with how things are. Telling her about my AP and blowing things up is not a good decision FOR ME right now.

Fixed that for you. Your post is one long rationalization from a selfish liar. Tell her you have an AP and let her decide if she wants to stay married to you. Your posts make it pretty clear why she is not interested in sex WITH YOU.

Yes, it must be me. I'm sure she still wants to have sex, just not with me, right? Because I'm such a brute of a man. You are a riot. Is that how you feel towards your husband? Blowing things up right now would not be good for her. I would be much better off than her if we divorced but, as I said, there are 100 reasons people don't divorce. I didn't go into any of them or mention anything about the rest of our relationship besides our lack of sex. Neither of us wants to end our marriage. This is far from ideal, but it works for now. Does anyone in a marriage, man or woman, really not understand the likely consequences of deciding to end their sex life with their spouse? Serious question I've asked here before and it never gets answered.

I'm guessing if you two divorced now, she would go out and date. And she would have sex. This wouldn't be the end of her romantic life. So yeah, it's you.

You really don't know for certain that she "doesn't want to end the marriage" - she doesn't have all the information about your marriage so she isn't able to make an informed decision. Somehow I'm betting if you said "You're done with sex, but I'm not - I'm having it whether or not you're there". Willing to bet money her response would be anything but "OK! Let's stay married!"

Previous respondents like, DADT open marriage guy were not me. No, it's you who doesn't know for certain. You don't speak for me. I didn't lay out our entire marriage in this thread for it to be dissected. I'm sticking to the subject and you'll just have to take my word for it, or not.

I'm guessing she is done with sex but who knows. If she felt she needed a man in her life, I'm sure she would put out in order to win him over. The skills are still there, just not the desire.

I don't have to tell her about my AP and blow up her life for my wife to "have all the information she needs" to make a decision. She's made a decision for the both of us that this will be a sexless marriage and she damn well sure knows that it not acceptable to me. I sure as hell wouldn't expect my wife to remain chaste if I did the same to her. I don't think that too many people are that clueless.

Who are you to make the decision for your wife? It's so patronizing for you to say that you know what's good for your wife, and it just conveniently just happens to be what's good for you. /s

You sound like you're rationalizing it and it's just not right thing to do for your wife. Either she'll say go for it and you have permission from her or she will not be happy but at least she has a say in it as well. It's a 1950's attitude toward your wife. It's time to move beyond the 1950's attitudes.

[Anonymous]

The mindset of a cheater is on full display in the thread about what people would be surprised at in your marriage. Lots of lonely, rejected spouses.

That's not all cheaters, but it's some. It's not hard to grasp.

[Anonymous]

New to this thread and reluctant to post but I thought I’d contribute my mindset. Mid 40s, married 10 years, and I’ve stepped out on DW a few times. Each time has been on a business trip with a random person (I.e. not a colleague). The “why” for me is simple: a desire for the sexual variety I enjoyed in my 20s and early 30s. It has nothing to do with my sex life with DW. By definition, she can’t give me the variety that I sometimes crave.

The idea of a long-term affair at home is gross to me. Not interested in that at all. And I’m disgusted and ashamed that I’ve done this. But once in a while I just find the urge to get laid by someone new completely uncontrollable and irresistible. I don’t plan to do it again. I hope I don’t. But I didn’t “plan” it when it’s happened either.

[Anonymous]

New to this thread and reluctant to post but I thought I’d contribute my mindset. Mid 40s, married 10 years, and I’ve stepped out on DW a few times. Each time has been on a business trip with a random person (I.e. not a colleague). The “why” for me is simple: a desire for the sexual variety I enjoyed in my 20s and early 30s. It has nothing to do with my sex life with DW. By definition, she can’t give me the variety that I sometimes crave.

The idea of a long-term affair at home is gross to me. Not interested in that at all. And I’m disgusted and ashamed that I’ve done this. But once in a while I just find the urge to get laid by someone new completely uncontrollable and irresistible. I don’t plan to do it again. I hope I don’t. But I didn’t “plan” it when it’s happened either.

If you actually don't want to do it again, do more than "hope." Get yourself some therapy to figure out why you feel entitled to do this, before it ends up blowing up your life. Your wife deserves way better. You lack boundaries, need to figure out why and how to strengthen them and respect your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Who are you to make the decision for your wife? It's so patronizing for you to say that you know what's good for your wife, and it just conveniently just happens to be what's good for you. /s

You sound like you're rationalizing it and it's just not right thing to do for your wife. Either she'll say go for it and you have permission from her or she will not be happy but at least she has a say in it as well. It's a 1950's attitude toward your wife. It's time to move beyond the 1950's attitudes.

I've made a decision for me. Not for her. It has no effect on her. I'm not asking her permission to have sex with someone else and I'm not blowing up what I have by telling her. I don't seek her permission. She didn't ask my permission to end out married sex life. You are wrong, she has no say in my decision to have an AP. I have no say at all in her decision to shut down our sex life. If she cares to turn a blind eye to the reality of our situation, I'm fine with that. Denial is one way to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Who are you to make the decision for your wife? It's so patronizing for you to say that you know what's good for your wife, and it just conveniently just happens to be what's good for you. /s

You sound like you're rationalizing it and it's just not right thing to do for your wife. Either she'll say go for it and you have permission from her or she will not be happy but at least she has a say in it as well. It's a 1950's attitude toward your wife. It's time to move beyond the 1950's attitudes.

I've made a decision for me. Not for her. It has no effect on her. I'm not asking her permission to have sex with someone else and I'm not blowing up what I have by telling her. I don't seek her permission. She didn't ask my permission to end out married sex life. You are wrong, she has no say in my decision to have an AP. I have no say at all in her decision to shut down our sex life. If she cares to turn a blind eye to the reality of our situation, I'm fine with that. Denial is one way to deal with it.

What exactly do you "have"? Why don't you tell her what you are doing, and then she can decide whether to "turn a blind eye to the reality" of the situation or not. She does not know the reality of the situation because you are keeping it from her. Why is this so difficult for you to grasp?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Who are you to make the decision for your wife? It's so patronizing for you to say that you know what's good for your wife, and it just conveniently just happens to be what's good for you. /s

You sound like you're rationalizing it and it's just not right thing to do for your wife. Either she'll say go for it and you have permission from her or she will not be happy but at least she has a say in it as well. It's a 1950's attitude toward your wife. It's time to move beyond the 1950's attitudes.

His wife has decided to stay in their marriage and remain sexless. He is giving here exactly what she wants, in the only way possible. If she wanted to divorce, they would be divorced. She has opted out of his sex life and has no more right to vote on what he does sexually. He does not need her permission, no more than she needed his permission to be sexless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Who are you to make the decision for your wife? It's so patronizing for you to say that you know what's good for your wife, and it just conveniently just happens to be what's good for you. /s

You sound like you're rationalizing it and it's just not right thing to do for your wife. Either she'll say go for it and you have permission from her or she will not be happy but at least she has a say in it as well. It's a 1950's attitude toward your wife. It's time to move beyond the 1950's attitudes.

His wife has decided to stay in their marriage and remain sexless. He is giving here exactly what she wants, in the only way possible. If she wanted to divorce, they would be divorced. She has opted out of his sex life and has no more right to vote on what he does sexually. He does not need her permission, no more than she needed his permission to be sexless.

Except one of them is breaking their vows to be faithful. She has every right that he’d not cheat on her and simply pleasure himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Who are you to make the decision for your wife? It's so patronizing for you to say that you know what's good for your wife, and it just conveniently just happens to be what's good for you. /s

You sound like you're rationalizing it and it's just not right thing to do for your wife. Either she'll say go for it and you have permission from her or she will not be happy but at least she has a say in it as well. It's a 1950's attitude toward your wife. It's time to move beyond the 1950's attitudes.

His wife has decided to stay in their marriage and remain sexless. He is giving here exactly what she wants, in the only way possible. If she wanted to divorce, they would be divorced. She has opted out of his sex life and has no more right to vote on what he does sexually. He does not need her permission, no more than she needed his permission to be sexless.

Except one of them is breaking their vows to be faithful. She has every right that he’d not cheat on her and simply pleasure himself.

What? That's bs. No. She has no such right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Who are you to make the decision for your wife? It's so patronizing for you to say that you know what's good for your wife, and it just conveniently just happens to be what's good for you. /s

You sound like you're rationalizing it and it's just not right thing to do for your wife. Either she'll say go for it and you have permission from her or she will not be happy but at least she has a say in it as well. It's a 1950's attitude toward your wife. It's time to move beyond the 1950's attitudes.

His wife has decided to stay in their marriage and remain sexless. He is giving here exactly what she wants, in the only way possible. If she wanted to divorce, they would be divorced. She has opted out of his sex life and has no more right to vote on what he does sexually. He does not need her permission, no more than she needed his permission to be sexless.

Except one of them is breaking their vows to be faithful. She has every right that he’d not cheat on her and simply pleasure himself.

I'm a woman and this sounds nuts to me. If you aren't having sex with your husband and you know that he is unhappy with that as well as otherwise healthy, surely common sense has to tell you he is having sex with someone and not just his hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Who are you to make the decision for your wife? It's so patronizing for you to say that you know what's good for your wife, and it just conveniently just happens to be what's good for you. /s

You sound like you're rationalizing it and it's just not right thing to do for your wife. Either she'll say go for it and you have permission from her or she will not be happy but at least she has a say in it as well. It's a 1950's attitude toward your wife. It's time to move beyond the 1950's attitudes.

His wife has decided to stay in their marriage and remain sexless. He is giving here exactly what she wants, in the only way possible. If she wanted to divorce, they would be divorced. She has opted out of his sex life and has no more right to vote on what he does sexually. He does not need her permission, no more than she needed his permission to be sexless.

Except one of them is breaking their vows to be faithful. She has every right that he’d not cheat on her and simply pleasure himself.

Those vows are bidirectional. Her decision to go sexless voids the forsake all others clause. He did not vow chastity and she has no such right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are you to make the decision for your wife? It's so patronizing for you to say that you know what's good for your wife, and it just conveniently just happens to be what's good for you. /s

You sound like you're rationalizing it and it's just not right thing to do for your wife. Either she'll say go for it and you have permission from her or she will not be happy but at least she has a say in it as well. It's a 1950's attitude toward your wife. It's time to move beyond the 1950's attitudes.

You want him to take 12 seconds to declare his marriage open. In other words, you agree with OMG.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Who are you to make the decision for your wife? It's so patronizing for you to say that you know what's good for your wife, and it just conveniently just happens to be what's good for you. /s

You sound like you're rationalizing it and it's just not right thing to do for your wife. Either she'll say go for it and you have permission from her or she will not be happy but at least she has a say in it as well. It's a 1950's attitude toward your wife. It's time to move beyond the 1950's attitudes.

His wife has decided to stay in their marriage and remain sexless. He is giving here exactly what she wants, in the only way possible. If she wanted to divorce, they would be divorced. She has opted out of his sex life and has no more right to vote on what he does sexually. He does not need her permission, no more than she needed his permission to be sexless.

Except one of them is breaking their vows to be faithful. She has every right that he’d not cheat on her and simply pleasure himself.

Yes, I am breaking my vows. Don't care. I remember those vows also included the line, to have and to hold. She broke that one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Who are you to make the decision for your wife? It's so patronizing for you to say that you know what's good for your wife, and it just conveniently just happens to be what's good for you. /s

You sound like you're rationalizing it and it's just not right thing to do for your wife. Either she'll say go for it and you have permission from her or she will not be happy but at least she has a say in it as well. It's a 1950's attitude toward your wife. It's time to move beyond the 1950's attitudes.

I've made a decision for me. Not for her. It has no effect on her. I'm not asking her permission to have sex with someone else and I'm not blowing up what I have by telling her. I don't seek her permission. She didn't ask my permission to end out married sex life. You are wrong, she has no say in my decision to have an AP. I have no say at all in her decision to shut down our sex life. If she cares to turn a blind eye to the reality of our situation, I'm fine with that. Denial is one way to deal with it.

What exactly do you "have"? Why don't you tell her what you are doing, and then she can decide whether to "turn a blind eye to the reality" of the situation or not. She does not know the reality of the situation because you are keeping it from her. Why is this so difficult for you to grasp?

Are you this clueless in real life too? OK, I'll explain it to you like I'm talking to a child. What do I have? I have an AP and we provide each other with what is missing from our marriages. Sex.
Why don't I tell her? Are you serious? Do you really not understand why I would throw my AP in her face? OK, since you don't seem to have a grasp on reality, I'll spell it out for you. She would react the same as I suspect you would react. And yes, I'm making a few assumptions here. One being that you are female, married, and would not take it so well to find out your husband has an AP. This would also lead to a huge blow-up, her demanding to know who this woman is that has destroyed her marriage, and... oh come on, you know the rest of this story. Why the F would I subject myself to that? That is all besides the fact that I owe it to my AP to not reveal our arrangement, the same as she owes it to me. Lastly, since you really don't get it, I don't want anything to cause my arrangement to end.

Rest assured, she doesn't need to know about my AP to know the reality of the situation. She is painfully aware of our reality and has no desire to make any changes or even discuss it. So the next move was mine. The years after she cut off all sex and before my AP were much worse for her and us. Now there is peace in our marriage as I don't ever say or do anything along sexual lines with her. She is relieved of that and the tension in our marriage is gone.

As I said, it's far from ideal but it works for now. And having visited this dark corner of marriage, I can say with some authority that at least 20% of the men and women you know in marriages are doing the same thing. Married but looking dating sites still do very well and there is plenty to choose from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Who are you to make the decision for your wife? It's so patronizing for you to say that you know what's good for your wife, and it just conveniently just happens to be what's good for you. /s

You sound like you're rationalizing it and it's just not right thing to do for your wife. Either she'll say go for it and you have permission from her or she will not be happy but at least she has a say in it as well. It's a 1950's attitude toward your wife. It's time to move beyond the 1950's attitudes.

His wife has decided to stay in their marriage and remain sexless. He is giving here exactly what she wants, in the only way possible. If she wanted to divorce, they would be divorced. She has opted out of his sex life and has no more right to vote on what he does sexually. He does not need her permission, no more than she needed his permission to be sexless.

Except one of them is breaking their vows to be faithful. She has every right that he’d not cheat on her and simply pleasure himself.

I'm a woman and this sounds nuts to me. If you aren't having sex with your husband and you know that he is unhappy with that as well as otherwise healthy, surely common sense has to tell you he is having sex with someone and not just his hand.

Thank you for that. There is so little common sense among most of the women responding. It's like a breath of fresh air to find one who gets it. It really is common sense. Can you imagine telling a woman who is denied sex by her husband that she should be happy to take care of business on her own for the rest of her life? I know they have some really high-tech toys for women these days but I've got to believe, it doesn't doesn't take the place of the D.