Eldercare is tearing my family apart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How elder-later-life goes down is as varied as how parents have prepared for it, and what their personalities are.

I am in the midsts of a lot of siblings and their spouses with a lot of aging parents. One set refused to parent beyond, Be home by dinner, don't get arrested, and as soon as you're 18 you're not my responsibility, who also refused to help their own parents at end of life, are now demanding their children pay to care for them in a high manner since they have blown through their own money. And they haven't even gotten to the super expensive part. I don't mean to sound bitter, but I am stressed since I still have my own retirement and end of life care to secure. The money I had hoped to save is going toward their care. I shudder to think what will happen when one needs assisted living and the other needs 24-7 nursing care (which is where they are headed). So it's not just the 15K/month for nursing, but another 6K for assisted living for the other. And instead of 4 kids with 1 set of parents to deal with, and share responsibility and cost, it's actually 8 kids with 5 sets of parents all needing help and all aging at the same time.

Sorry, I guess that was my own stress vent!

Honestly, I think we may all need therapy to cope with the guilt, but I flat out couldn't afford to give my parents thousands of dollars a month for elder care. And while some folks might feel guilty about it, I would never de-fund my own retirement to pay for someone else's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish my FIL and my mom would heed your advice op! FIL is 76 and eats whatever he wants, meaning he is overweight, but he still works and is in a good shape compared to many people his age. Still, his house is falling apart, both bathrooms are in a need to a major renovation, for which he has the money, and they have been like this for the last 15 years! He refuses to get them done. The shower that works has a wooden plank on top of it, and under it is broken tiles and mold and just disgust. We even offered to pay to get it done, but he refuses any attempt to fix it.
He keeps saying that he will not go like those people that get dementia or can't walk. He will go with pride and the way he wants!
My mom is obese and diabetic and now a widow and she is counting on me and my sister to take care of her. How does she think we can lift a 220lbs woman?

It takes 3 EMTs to lift my dad when he falls, but each time, he makes us negotiate for hours before we can call 911.

Really? He takes your phones away? No, of course not, because he's on the floor, unable to get up!

Leave the damn room and call 911. Immediately.

FFS. I get that it's hard, but some people make it way, way harder than it needs to be.

There are some serious health reasons why we can’t enrage him. He had a heart attack when one of my brothers defied him. We are genuinely terrified that we will provoke him into another one or a stroke and the ambulance will arrive too late.

Does his Dr. agree with/recommend this? Is he being treated for his anger? This just sounds dangerous and doesn't make a lot of sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was hoping that by seeing how much they’ve uprooted my life and made me miserable, they’d concede to outside help

You CAN NOT be afraid of Mommy and Daddy not liking you. You have power over your own life.

Seriously, this is absurd. Middle-aged adults are letting their parents run their lives.

It's not absurd. These are difficult conversations and some of us are wracked with guilt at the thought of our parents moving to facilities or institutions where we don't know how the care will be. Sometimes these responsibilities also sneak up on you a bit; you start out by handling a few things and the list keeps growing. OR, in many cases, a parent has a fall or illness and you care for them during that time and, guess what? They don't get better or they never get back to the level they were before the event. All of a sudden you realize that you are still doing everything and the parent has gotten comfortable with the care they're getting. It's not simple or easy.

The PP is waiting outside her parents' room, hoping they'll recognize she's miserable. If they don't, she'll . . . what, continue to make her life subservient to theirs? It is absurd. People make decisions for themselves, not other grown adults. If parents want to age in place, that's their choice, but they do *not* get to dictate the level of help they get from their kids. Well, I guess they do, if they have raised kids who are too scared or otherwise cowed by them to stand up to them.

I sincerely hope my kids have more self-respect and backbone than this.

I have a feeling putting you in a home won't make your kids guilty at all.

So, making it a point *not* to impose on my kids will make them resent me?

I have a feeling logic isn't your first language.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How elder-later-life goes down is as varied as how parents have prepared for it, and what their personalities are.

I am in the midsts of a lot of siblings and their spouses with a lot of aging parents. One set refused to parent beyond, Be home by dinner, don't get arrested, and as soon as you're 18 you're not my responsibility, who also refused to help their own parents at end of life, are now demanding their children pay to care for them in a high manner since they have blown through their own money. And they haven't even gotten to the super expensive part. I don't mean to sound bitter, but I am stressed since I still have my own retirement and end of life care to secure. The money I had hoped to save is going toward their care. I shudder to think what will happen when one needs assisted living and the other needs 24-7 nursing care (which is where they are headed). So it's not just the 15K/month for nursing, but another 6K for assisted living for the other. And instead of 4 kids with 1 set of parents to deal with, and share responsibility and cost, it's actually 8 kids with 5 sets of parents all needing help and all aging at the same time.

Sorry, I guess that was my own stress vent!

Honestly, I think we may all need therapy to cope with the guilt, but I flat out couldn't afford to give my parents thousands of dollars a month for elder care. And while some folks might feel guilty about it, I would never de-fund my own retirement to pay for someone else's.

My parents chose to give money to charity and buy time shares instead of funding my college tuition. Before that they were pretty hands off and expected me to provide for my own needs before I was even old enough to work. I remember spending my teen years working like a dog to pay for basics like socks/underwear/books/food/tampons and any other necessities.

While I would have a hard time being as callous towards them, there is no way in hell I am devoting my life to caring for them in old age. I will simply not invest my time or money that way.

They showed me who they are and I believe them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How elder-later-life goes down is as varied as how parents have prepared for it, and what their personalities are.

I am in the midsts of a lot of siblings and their spouses with a lot of aging parents. One set refused to parent beyond, Be home by dinner, don't get arrested, and as soon as you're 18 you're not my responsibility, who also refused to help their own parents at end of life, are now demanding their children pay to care for them in a high manner since they have blown through their own money. And they haven't even gotten to the super expensive part. I don't mean to sound bitter, but I am stressed since I still have my own retirement and end of life care to secure. The money I had hoped to save is going toward their care. I shudder to think what will happen when one needs assisted living and the other needs 24-7 nursing care (which is where they are headed). So it's not just the 15K/month for nursing, but another 6K for assisted living for the other. And instead of 4 kids with 1 set of parents to deal with, and share responsibility and cost, it's actually 8 kids with 5 sets of parents all needing help and all aging at the same time.

Sorry, I guess that was my own stress vent!

Honestly, I think we may all need therapy to cope with the guilt, but I flat out couldn't afford to give my parents thousands of dollars a month for elder care. And while some folks might feel guilty about it, I would never de-fund my own retirement to pay for someone else's.

My parents chose to give money to charity and buy time shares instead of funding my college tuition. Before that they were pretty hands off and expected me to provide for my own needs before I was even old enough to work. I remember spending my teen years working like a dog to pay for basics like socks/underwear/books/food/tampons and any other necessities.

While I would have a hard time being as callous towards them, there is no way in hell I am devoting my life to caring for them in old age. I will simply not invest my time or money that way.

They showed me who they are and I believe them.

I can relate to this. One of my kids had medical issues and then special needs. They didn't help nor did I expect them too. One had no problem using me rather than hiring people to help with the other and I went along because I had a decent childhood (minus some verbally abusive behavior). When I finally made it clear people had to be hired they played poverty. Turns out they were sitting on a fortune. They made a huge donation to what should not even be considered charity because it helps nobody in need. It was to show off and get attention. They they donated to a place that did not welcome my child with SN. That was the last straw. I finally backed away and told them to hire help. People with loads of money can be very strange. It is amazing how they will take advantage of people just to throw their money around in showy ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was hoping that by seeing how much they’ve uprooted my life and made me miserable, they’d concede to outside help

You CAN NOT be afraid of Mommy and Daddy not liking you. You have power over your own life.

Seriously, this is absurd. Middle-aged adults are letting their parents run their lives.

It's not absurd. These are difficult conversations and some of us are wracked with guilt at the thought of our parents moving to facilities or institutions where we don't know how the care will be. Sometimes these responsibilities also sneak up on you a bit; you start out by handling a few things and the list keeps growing. OR, in many cases, a parent has a fall or illness and you care for them during that time and, guess what? They don't get better or they never get back to the level they were before the event. All of a sudden you realize that you are still doing everything and the parent has gotten comfortable with the care they're getting. It's not simple or easy.

Yes, this. Or you try to have reasonable and rational discussions with the aging parent but they refuse to talk about it, call you a bully, etc. You cannot force an adult -- any adult -- to do something they don't want to do. My mom has refused to consider moving to assisted living and has damn near killed herself by insisting she needs no help, but completely failing to take care of herself. And she has gotten a terrible reputation in the rehab facilities in her town because she is so difficult to deal with, so it gets even harder to find a placement for her.

I think our generation is different because we aren't as tied to our homes and we have lived through this (miserable) experience with our own parents. I love the idea of living in a dorm again, with someone else doing the cleaning and cooking!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was hoping that by seeing how much they’ve uprooted my life and made me miserable, they’d concede to outside help

You CAN NOT be afraid of Mommy and Daddy not liking you. You have power over your own life.

Seriously, this is absurd. Middle-aged adults are letting their parents run their lives.

It's not absurd. These are difficult conversations and some of us are wracked with guilt at the thought of our parents moving to facilities or institutions where we don't know how the care will be. Sometimes these responsibilities also sneak up on you a bit; you start out by handling a few things and the list keeps growing. OR, in many cases, a parent has a fall or illness and you care for them during that time and, guess what? They don't get better or they never get back to the level they were before the event. All of a sudden you realize that you are still doing everything and the parent has gotten comfortable with the care they're getting. It's not simple or easy.

Yes, this. Or you try to have reasonable and rational discussions with the aging parent but they refuse to talk about it, call you a bully, etc. You cannot force an adult -- any adult -- to do something they don't want to do. My mom has refused to consider moving to assisted living and has damn near killed herself by insisting she needs no help, but completely failing to take care of herself. And she has gotten a terrible reputation in the rehab facilities in her town because she is so difficult to deal with, so it gets even harder to find a placement for her.

I think our generation is different because we aren't as tied to our homes and we have lived through this (miserable) experience with our own parents. I love the idea of living in a dorm again, with someone else doing the cleaning and cooking!

Do we have the same parents? Reputation as difficult? check. Refuse to talk about these things and call you a bully? check. Incapable of rational discussion and gaslights you to the point you have to consult other people who know the situation to have some grounding again? check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How elder-later-life goes down is as varied as how parents have prepared for it, and what their personalities are.

I am in the midsts of a lot of siblings and their spouses with a lot of aging parents. One set refused to parent beyond, Be home by dinner, don't get arrested, and as soon as you're 18 you're not my responsibility, who also refused to help their own parents at end of life, are now demanding their children pay to care for them in a high manner since they have blown through their own money. And they haven't even gotten to the super expensive part. I don't mean to sound bitter, but I am stressed since I still have my own retirement and end of life care to secure. The money I had hoped to save is going toward their care. I shudder to think what will happen when one needs assisted living and the other needs 24-7 nursing care (which is where they are headed). So it's not just the 15K/month for nursing, but another 6K for assisted living for the other. And instead of 4 kids with 1 set of parents to deal with, and share responsibility and cost, it's actually 8 kids with 5 sets of parents all needing help and all aging at the same time.

Sorry, I guess that was my own stress vent!

Honestly, I think we may all need therapy to cope with the guilt, but I flat out couldn't afford to give my parents thousands of dollars a month for elder care. And while some folks might feel guilty about it, I would never de-fund my own retirement to pay for someone else's.

My parents chose to give money to charity and buy time shares instead of funding my college tuition. Before that they were pretty hands off and expected me to provide for my own needs before I was even old enough to work. I remember spending my teen years working like a dog to pay for basics like socks/underwear/books/food/tampons and any other necessities.

While I would have a hard time being as callous towards them, there is no way in hell I am devoting my life to caring for them in old age. I will simply not invest my time or money that way.

They showed me who they are and I believe them.

Can you contribute something useful? I took care of my MIL and will not my parents as they signed POA to a sibling who will not help and left everything to them in the will... not a big deal to me. All their problem. But, this is not relevant to the topic. You aren't going to do elderly care, haven't done elderly care so why comment about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was hoping that by seeing how much they’ve uprooted my life and made me miserable, they’d concede to outside help

You CAN NOT be afraid of Mommy and Daddy not liking you. You have power over your own life.

Seriously, this is absurd. Middle-aged adults are letting their parents run their lives.

It's not absurd. These are difficult conversations and some of us are wracked with guilt at the thought of our parents moving to facilities or institutions where we don't know how the care will be. Sometimes these responsibilities also sneak up on you a bit; you start out by handling a few things and the list keeps growing. OR, in many cases, a parent has a fall or illness and you care for them during that time and, guess what? They don't get better or they never get back to the level they were before the event. All of a sudden you realize that you are still doing everything and the parent has gotten comfortable with the care they're getting. It's not simple or easy.

Yes, this. Or you try to have reasonable and rational discussions with the aging parent but they refuse to talk about it, call you a bully, etc. You cannot force an adult -- any adult -- to do something they don't want to do. My mom has refused to consider moving to assisted living and has damn near killed herself by insisting she needs no help, but completely failing to take care of herself. And she has gotten a terrible reputation in the rehab facilities in her town because she is so difficult to deal with, so it gets even harder to find a placement for her.

I think our generation is different because we aren't as tied to our homes and we have lived through this (miserable) experience with our own parents. I love the idea of living in a dorm again, with someone else doing the cleaning and cooking!

Actually you can depending on the situation. I loved my MIL but couldn't take care of her anymore. I dropped her off at a nursing home (still was heavily involved). There was no other good option as we couldn't do home care in our home due to money and space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How elder-later-life goes down is as varied as how parents have prepared for it, and what their personalities are.

I am in the midsts of a lot of siblings and their spouses with a lot of aging parents. One set refused to parent beyond, Be home by dinner, don't get arrested, and as soon as you're 18 you're not my responsibility, who also refused to help their own parents at end of life, are now demanding their children pay to care for them in a high manner since they have blown through their own money. And they haven't even gotten to the super expensive part. I don't mean to sound bitter, but I am stressed since I still have my own retirement and end of life care to secure. The money I had hoped to save is going toward their care. I shudder to think what will happen when one needs assisted living and the other needs 24-7 nursing care (which is where they are headed). So it's not just the 15K/month for nursing, but another 6K for assisted living for the other. And instead of 4 kids with 1 set of parents to deal with, and share responsibility and cost, it's actually 8 kids with 5 sets of parents all needing help and all aging at the same time.

Sorry, I guess that was my own stress vent!

Honestly, I think we may all need therapy to cope with the guilt, but I flat out couldn't afford to give my parents thousands of dollars a month for elder care. And while some folks might feel guilty about it, I would never de-fund my own retirement to pay for someone else's.

My parents chose to give money to charity and buy time shares instead of funding my college tuition. Before that they were pretty hands off and expected me to provide for my own needs before I was even old enough to work. I remember spending my teen years working like a dog to pay for basics like socks/underwear/books/food/tampons and any other necessities.

While I would have a hard time being as callous towards them, there is no way in hell I am devoting my life to caring for them in old age. I will simply not invest my time or money that way.

They showed me who they are and I believe them.

Can you contribute something useful? I took care of my MIL and will not my parents as they signed POA to a sibling who will not help and left everything to them in the will... not a big deal to me. All their problem. But, this is not relevant to the topic. You aren't going to do elderly care, haven't done elderly care so why comment about it.

I'm not the PP you quoted, but wow, you are rude!

A lot of adult children feel guilted into taking extreme measures and giving up their own life to care for parents who honestly do not deserve the consideration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How elder-later-life goes down is as varied as how parents have prepared for it, and what their personalities are.

I am in the midsts of a lot of siblings and their spouses with a lot of aging parents. One set refused to parent beyond, Be home by dinner, don't get arrested, and as soon as you're 18 you're not my responsibility, who also refused to help their own parents at end of life, are now demanding their children pay to care for them in a high manner since they have blown through their own money. And they haven't even gotten to the super expensive part. I don't mean to sound bitter, but I am stressed since I still have my own retirement and end of life care to secure. The money I had hoped to save is going toward their care. I shudder to think what will happen when one needs assisted living and the other needs 24-7 nursing care (which is where they are headed). So it's not just the 15K/month for nursing, but another 6K for assisted living for the other. And instead of 4 kids with 1 set of parents to deal with, and share responsibility and cost, it's actually 8 kids with 5 sets of parents all needing help and all aging at the same time.

Sorry, I guess that was my own stress vent!

Honestly, I think we may all need therapy to cope with the guilt, but I flat out couldn't afford to give my parents thousands of dollars a month for elder care. And while some folks might feel guilty about it, I would never de-fund my own retirement to pay for someone else's.

My parents chose to give money to charity and buy time shares instead of funding my college tuition. Before that they were pretty hands off and expected me to provide for my own needs before I was even old enough to work. I remember spending my teen years working like a dog to pay for basics like socks/underwear/books/food/tampons and any other necessities.

While I would have a hard time being as callous towards them, there is no way in hell I am devoting my life to caring for them in old age. I will simply not invest my time or money that way.

They showed me who they are and I believe them.

Can you contribute something useful? I took care of my MIL and will not my parents as they signed POA to a sibling who will not help and left everything to them in the will... not a big deal to me. All their problem. But, this is not relevant to the topic. You aren't going to do elderly care, haven't done elderly care so why comment about it.

I'm not the PP you quoted, but wow, you are rude!

A lot of adult children feel guilted into taking extreme measures and giving up their own life to care for parents who honestly do not deserve the consideration.

No, I'm not rude. The topic is about those providing care. This person is not willing to provide care so no need for the comments. If you don't want to care for your parents, don't. I don't plan to. I do for other relatives but I have no issue saying no given our family situation. I would never ever said no to the other relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope everyone here learns from their experience with their own parents. Whatever worked great, make sure you do that for yourself/your spouse. Whatever didn't, make sure you don't. Either way, the most important thing is to talk about your end of life wishes with your children. Discuss it, don't dictate it, and hopefully, whatever you decide, you are able to fully fund that decision.

I’ve already had the conversation with both my DD and my stepson. My pragmatic DD is the only one who said okay. The other two kids were deeply offended that we said stick us in a home. My stepson said his gf/soon-to-be fiancée would be thrilled to take care of us. Now I have to have a conversation with her as well. We do no not want you to let us drag you down just so we can age in place. Put us in a home. Visit when you can. Don’t feel guilty. It’s our preference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was hoping that by seeing how much they’ve uprooted my life and made me miserable, they’d concede to outside help

You CAN NOT be afraid of Mommy and Daddy not liking you. You have power over your own life.

Seriously, this is absurd. Middle-aged adults are letting their parents run their lives.

It's not absurd. These are difficult conversations and some of us are wracked with guilt at the thought of our parents moving to facilities or institutions where we don't know how the care will be. Sometimes these responsibilities also sneak up on you a bit; you start out by handling a few things and the list keeps growing. OR, in many cases, a parent has a fall or illness and you care for them during that time and, guess what? They don't get better or they never get back to the level they were before the event. All of a sudden you realize that you are still doing everything and the parent has gotten comfortable with the care they're getting. It's not simple or easy.

I’m OP. This perfectly describes my situation. It started with manageable help like a ride to the doctor or the grocery store and then quickly became a 2-3 nights a week obligation of care. Over the last couple years, it has morphed into a full time second job located an hour away from my paying job and family. Once DH was diagnosed, I thought my siblings would help me get our dad into a place. Instead they say how amazing it is that he can have his independence thanks to me. He doesn’t have independence. He has someone who helps him avoid diaper rash and scurvy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age in place is hugely taxing on the adult children even when the patient has enough money to hire full time aides. The administration of that alone is a lot, plus filling in when caregivers are absent, etc. Some caregivers won’t do meal prep, some won’t do bathing, etc etc etc. Endless Dr appointments and errands and constantly adjusting to the latest decline. It’s brutal even when the finances are good.

What do you think a nursing home is like? They get bathed twice a week, barely looked after and the main activity is staring at the wall or tv. Especially on medicaid. I would much rather have kept my MIL at home. We still have to visit a few times a week, bring in food, shop....doctors....dentists....

If you can do it, without seriously impairing your own lives (and lives of any underage kids), that’s okay asa personal choice. The problems come in when it isn’t the caregiver’s choice but the elder and other relatives won’t agree to another solution. Or when the burden of at home care is causing extreme stress on the non-elders in the household.

Exactly this. I was made to feel like a horrible person for not allowing my MIL to hospice in our house because our son had just recovered from a stint in the hospital with a deadly disease, and his docs recommended that we not do it. She hospiced in another sibling’s home 10 minutes away.

With my folks, I can and do want to help but can’t from 3000 miles away. They refuse to move closer and I can’t move to them.

I would have done a hospice home near my home but makes more sense for sibling to do it. Your child needed to come first in this situation.

She refused to hospice at a facility. My husband was pissed I would not allow it in our home. Kids were crying to me not to, littlest one had LITERALLY just come out of the hospital. His brother had a spare room and my husband and I made sure she also had 24/7 care in the home. I paved the way for my husband to be there every single day by taking on all our home responsibilities. They would not let me see my MIL until the very end. She told me she thought I didn’t want to see her (heartbreaking). I did not tell her the truth - I told her that our littlest is now doing great and I was seeing to him. She was thrilled to hear it, and even helped me navigate some school issues we were having (brilliant woman to the end) which made her feel so useful, she said. I’m glad I got to see her - the nurse pulled me aside and told me how sad she had been that I had not visited her. I had to scream at my husband before he would confront his brother to allow me into his home. And I’m glad I did.

I am so sorry. Also, your husband is a massive prick. You sound like you could do much better.

Thank you. Kids are grown now - I spend time up north when I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How elder-later-life goes down is as varied as how parents have prepared for it, and what their personalities are.

I am in the midsts of a lot of siblings and their spouses with a lot of aging parents. One set refused to parent beyond, Be home by dinner, don't get arrested, and as soon as you're 18 you're not my responsibility, who also refused to help their own parents at end of life, are now demanding their children pay to care for them in a high manner since they have blown through their own money. And they haven't even gotten to the super expensive part. I don't mean to sound bitter, but I am stressed since I still have my own retirement and end of life care to secure. The money I had hoped to save is going toward their care. I shudder to think what will happen when one needs assisted living and the other needs 24-7 nursing care (which is where they are headed). So it's not just the 15K/month for nursing, but another 6K for assisted living for the other. And instead of 4 kids with 1 set of parents to deal with, and share responsibility and cost, it's actually 8 kids with 5 sets of parents all needing help and all aging at the same time.

Sorry, I guess that was my own stress vent!

Honestly, I think we may all need therapy to cope with the guilt, but I flat out couldn't afford to give my parents thousands of dollars a month for elder care. And while some folks might feel guilty about it, I would never de-fund my own retirement to pay for someone else's.

My parents chose to give money to charity and buy time shares instead of funding my college tuition. Before that they were pretty hands off and expected me to provide for my own needs before I was even old enough to work. I remember spending my teen years working like a dog to pay for basics like socks/underwear/books/food/tampons and any other necessities.

While I would have a hard time being as callous towards them, there is no way in hell I am devoting my life to caring for them in old age. I will simply not invest my time or money that way.

They showed me who they are and I believe them.

Can you contribute something useful? I took care of my MIL and will not my parents as they signed POA to a sibling who will not help and left everything to them in the will... not a big deal to me. All their problem. But, this is not relevant to the topic. You aren't going to do elderly care, haven't done elderly care so why comment about it.

I'm not the PP you quoted, but wow, you are rude!

A lot of adult children feel guilted into taking extreme measures and giving up their own life to care for parents who honestly do not deserve the consideration.

No, I'm not rude. The topic is about those providing care. This person is not willing to provide care so no need for the comments. If you don't want to care for your parents, don't. I don't plan to. I do for other relatives but I have no issue saying no given our family situation. I would never ever said no to the other relatives.

PP is NOT being rude. PP is clear-minded, sane and rational. All anyone owes to parents who were not parents is a phone call once per week or so to say ‘how’ve you begin’, and that’s assuming there was is/was no abuse involved. My parents have been wonderful and thus deserving of my help and care and I plan to. But as I said, they’ve been wonderful all my life. Not perfect but loving and wonderful, and continue to be, no matter how frustrated I get with their liv in place cross country’ situation. In our case, I’m lucky to have a sibling who lives there and does the heavy lifting. And we will help financially as long as it’s feasible, and then after they pass, plan to help my sister if she needs it as she cut back work hours to do that heavy lifting.

The cruel part is the way people view my sister - as someone who ‘sucks off of them financially’. I remind them (not so gently) that is my sister who handles all the day to day when necessary and who’s currently handling the legal stuff. She’s a real spitfire and really good at it too! She will ALWAYS have my support!