Eldercare is tearing my family apart
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Anonymous
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We’ve already had rifts between one sibling and the rest. I predict a rift between “the kids” and at least one adult grandchild.
Just imploring those of you still sound of kind and body to make considerate and effective plans for your future. It is cruel for you to insist on aging at home if you can’t afford hired help. I know you think that your children will joyfully care for you, but you can’t predict what life will throw their way. I have reached the point where I can care for myself, my ill spouse, and my minor child OR I can make my dad’s dream of living on his own come true. He is a drowning man pulling me under. It looks horrible for me to step back, but I never agreed to do this. It was foisted on me mid-crisis and I am being honest that I’m in crisis now. Please, please do not do this to your children and grandchildren. I’m sure a bunch of the usual posters will chime in that they wish their mom or dad was still alive so they could do 40 hours of eldercare a week while also working full time, trying to help a spouse through cancer treatments, and raise a child. Fine. Can you take my place? |
Anonymous
| We are in the same exact predicament. 5 siblings completely torn apart over what the next steps should be. Resentment from every child. No help, just solidarity |
Anonymous
| I don't wish my MIL was still alive as watching her suffer was more painful than her death but at some point after doing it for a year without help I had to put he run a nursing home. We still visited often and it was still a lot of work but at least it relieved us of the daily care. We couldn't hire help either. It was a nightmare. Wish you the best. Any of the kids or grandkids complain, tell them its their turn. |
Anonymous
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My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.
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Anonymous
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I am so grateful that my father agreed to go to a retirement community with a continuum of care when I gently told him it was time. I had helped him remain in his own place for ten years (brought him meals, ran errands for him, took care of him in my home after every health crisis, took him to all his doctors appointments, etc).
But after a half dozen falls, I told him it was time to go somewhere where he would be safer. He lived in an independent apartment for over a year before transitioning into assisted living (got to Stay in the same apartment but just got more services). In some ways I was lucky because I’m an only child and I didn’t have to deal with siblings. I’ve seen the strain of dealing with eldercare tear apart entire families so I’m glad I dodged that bullet. |
Anonymous
Is it financial? |
Anonymous
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Blessings to all of the prior posters. I'm learning the hard way that you have to take care of yourself first.
OP, your Dad has other children. Let them pick up the brunt of things for awhile. |
Anonymous
| Op I'm so sorry you're dealing with this particularly knowing your spouse is ill. Hugs. |
Anonymous
| I am never, ever putting my kids through the hell of "age in place." |
Anonymous
Sometimes its a bunch of bad options. Our family member had no money. I'm sure she didn't want to burden us but its a problem if you worked all your life and weren't able to save and social security is not enough to pay for living expenses and care. I hope to drop dead. |
Anonymous
We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it |
Anonymous
If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford. |
Anonymous
| My mom’s mom is great. Realized it was time and moved with her husband to a place where he could get care. She stayed after he passed away in an independent apartment and will step up when she gets older ( she’s still fine). My dads mom was the opposite. Insisted on aging in place with my mom and dad caring for her. A nightmare scenario. |
Anonymous
| My mom did this for both of my grandmas. It is truly grueling, and I thought so selfish of them to refuse any outside help. I will never do this to my kids. I’m so sorry OP. It’s ok to just wish him to die. |
Anonymous
| My parents aging in place in their retirement home at the shore with my father ill tore the 5 siblings apart. Then my mother continuing to insist upon staying alone despite falling and repeated stays in the hospital and rehab 2 hours from any of us made it even worse. Then the decision to move her closer and the fit she threw pretty much destroyed any hope of us getting together for any other gathering except maybe a funeral. My father's dream of leaving us an inheritance are a thing of the past with 9K /month assisted living, but at least my mom has the $$ to pay for it. Dropping dead looks like a blessing to me as well. |