Eldercare is tearing my family apart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age in place is hugely taxing on the adult children even when the patient has enough money to hire full time aides. The administration of that alone is a lot, plus filling in when caregivers are absent, etc. Some caregivers won’t do meal prep, some won’t do bathing, etc etc etc. Endless Dr appointments and errands and constantly adjusting to the latest decline. It’s brutal even when the finances are good.

What do you think a nursing home is like? They get bathed twice a week, barely looked after and the main activity is staring at the wall or tv. Especially on medicaid. I would much rather have kept my MIL at home. We still have to visit a few times a week, bring in food, shop....doctors....dentists....

If you can do it, without seriously impairing your own lives (and lives of any underage kids), that’s okay asa personal choice. The problems come in when it isn’t the caregiver’s choice but the elder and other relatives won’t agree to another solution. Or when the burden of at home care is causing extreme stress on the non-elders in the household.

Exactly this. I was made to feel like a horrible person for not allowing my MIL to hospice in our house because our son had just recovered from a stint in the hospital with a deadly disease, and his docs recommended that we not do it. She hospiced in another sibling’s home 10 minutes away.

With my folks, I can and do want to help but can’t from 3000 miles away. They refuse to move closer and I can’t move to them.

I would have done a hospice home near my home but makes more sense for sibling to do it. Your child needed to come first in this situation.

She refused to hospice at a facility. My husband was pissed I would not allow it in our home. Kids were crying to me not to, littlest one had LITERALLY just come out of the hospital. His brother had a spare room and my husband and I made sure she also had 24/7 care in the home. I paved the way for my husband to be there every single day by taking on all our home responsibilities. They would not let me see my MIL until the very end. She told me she thought I didn’t want to see her (heartbreaking). I did not tell her the truth - I told her that our littlest is now doing great and I was seeing to him. She was thrilled to hear it, and even helped me navigate some school issues we were having (brilliant woman to the end) which made her feel so useful, she said. I’m glad I got to see her - the nurse pulled me aside and told me how sad she had been that I had not visited her. I had to scream at my husband before he would confront his brother to allow me into his home. And I’m glad I did.

I am so sorry. Also, your husband is a massive prick. You sound like you could do much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I will be glad to step down from the weekly dinners I hosted so he would have company. I hope he makes friends and, as one of the few single men at the CCRC, I even think he might meet a special lady. He deserves happiness. I plan to be like him when I get older.

So glad it's working out; what a gift he gave all of you to find a better situation. After the TV is hooked up, you can tell him what our friend tells his widowed mother -- if you re-marry only do it for money, not for love!

LOL, what a great quip! Thanks for the kind words. As my mother was dying, she said to me, "You're a good girl." Still makes me tear up thinking about it. It's a gift to give back, but you can't just take and take and take. Fortunately, though stressful, this experience hasn't torn anyone apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age in place is hugely taxing on the adult children even when the patient has enough money to hire full time aides. The administration of that alone is a lot, plus filling in when caregivers are absent, etc. Some caregivers won’t do meal prep, some won’t do bathing, etc etc etc. Endless Dr appointments and errands and constantly adjusting to the latest decline. It’s brutal even when the finances are good.

What do you think a nursing home is like? They get bathed twice a week, barely looked after and the main activity is staring at the wall or tv. Especially on medicaid. I would much rather have kept my MIL at home. We still have to visit a few times a week, bring in food, shop....doctors....dentists....

Not at all. They vary. Aging in place was a living hell for us. The one who did continued care had a wonderful time in assisted living and memory care-regular social activities, peppy staff, tranquil gardens, social meals. The main activity of aging in place was watching TV. Once at a facility the favorite activity was sing-a-longs and meals with others. Much, much better for the wellbeing of both the elderly parent and the adult children. There is a reason why everyone in my extended family when went to a facility lived far longer than the stubborn and rigid age-on placers. Interesting to note....the adult children of age in placers had far more serious health issues by the time to age in placers passed away than the adult children of those who went to a facility.

You really have no clue. Your family may have been private pay but my MIL had a long slow miserable stay at a nursing home and it was horrific for all o fus. You keep ranting about stuff you have no concept about. Enough already. The social activities were tv or staring at the wall. They never went outside, staff screamed at patients and each other and the food was terrible and they didn't respect patient wishes on food either.

You are talking to multiple people not one person ranting. Yes, it was a private pay facility in this case. I knew another friend who's parent was private pay until it ran out and the facility was lovely. Plenty of activities. It varies as I said.

[Anonymous]

I hope everyone here learns from their experience with their own parents. Whatever worked great, make sure you do that for yourself/your spouse. Whatever didn't, make sure you don't. Either way, the most important thing is to talk about your end of life wishes with your children. Discuss it, don't dictate it, and hopefully, whatever you decide, you are able to fully fund that decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was hoping that by seeing how much they’ve uprooted my life and made me miserable, they’d concede to outside help

You CAN NOT be afraid of Mommy and Daddy not liking you. You have power over your own life.

Seriously, this is absurd. Middle-aged adults are letting their parents run their lives.

It's not absurd. These are difficult conversations and some of us are wracked with guilt at the thought of our parents moving to facilities or institutions where we don't know how the care will be. Sometimes these responsibilities also sneak up on you a bit; you start out by handling a few things and the list keeps growing. OR, in many cases, a parent has a fall or illness and you care for them during that time and, guess what? They don't get better or they never get back to the level they were before the event. All of a sudden you realize that you are still doing everything and the parent has gotten comfortable with the care they're getting. It's not simple or easy.

The PP is waiting outside her parents' room, hoping they'll recognize she's miserable. If they don't, she'll . . . what, continue to make her life subservient to theirs? It is absurd. People make decisions for themselves, not other grown adults. If parents want to age in place, that's their choice, but they do *not* get to dictate the level of help they get from their kids. Well, I guess they do, if they have raised kids who are too scared or otherwise cowed by them to stand up to them.

I sincerely hope my kids have more self-respect and backbone than this.

Thanks lady or man. Your assumptions about self respect, backbone and grit (based on a single post) are SO off the mark and unhelpful here. Thanks loads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age in place is hugely taxing on the adult children even when the patient has enough money to hire full time aides. The administration of that alone is a lot, plus filling in when caregivers are absent, etc. Some caregivers won’t do meal prep, some won’t do bathing, etc etc etc. Endless Dr appointments and errands and constantly adjusting to the latest decline. It’s brutal even when the finances are good.

What do you think a nursing home is like? They get bathed twice a week, barely looked after and the main activity is staring at the wall or tv. Especially on medicaid. I would much rather have kept my MIL at home. We still have to visit a few times a week, bring in food, shop....doctors....dentists....

Not at all. They vary. Aging in place was a living hell for us. The one who did continued care had a wonderful time in assisted living and memory care-regular social activities, peppy staff, tranquil gardens, social meals. The main activity of aging in place was watching TV. Once at a facility the favorite activity was sing-a-longs and meals with others. Much, much better for the wellbeing of both the elderly parent and the adult children. There is a reason why everyone in my extended family when went to a facility lived far longer than the stubborn and rigid age-on placers. Interesting to note....the adult children of age in placers had far more serious health issues by the time to age in placers passed away than the adult children of those who went to a facility.

You really have no clue. Your family may have been private pay but my MIL had a long slow miserable stay at a nursing home and it was horrific for all o fus. You keep ranting about stuff you have no concept about. Enough already. The social activities were tv or staring at the wall. They never went outside, staff screamed at patients and each other and the food was terrible and they didn't respect patient wishes on food either.

You are talking to multiple people not one person ranting. Yes, it was a private pay facility in this case. I knew another friend who's parent was private pay until it ran out and the facility was lovely. Plenty of activities. It varies as I said.

You really have no clue what some of us are talking about. What its like for most folks in nursing homes and most are there under medicaid.

[Anonymous]

How elder-later-life goes down is as varied as how parents have prepared for it, and what their personalities are.

I am in the midsts of a lot of siblings and their spouses with a lot of aging parents. One set refused to parent beyond, Be home by dinner, don't get arrested, and as soon as you're 18 you're not my responsibility, who also refused to help their own parents at end of life, are now demanding their children pay to care for them in a high manner since they have blown through their own money. And they haven't even gotten to the super expensive part. I don't mean to sound bitter, but I am stressed since I still have my own retirement and end of life care to secure. The money I had hoped to save is going toward their care. I shudder to think what will happen when one needs assisted living and the other needs 24-7 nursing care (which is where they are headed). So it's not just the 15K/month for nursing, but another 6K for assisted living for the other. And instead of 4 kids with 1 set of parents to deal with, and share responsibility and cost, it's actually 8 kids with 5 sets of parents all needing help and all aging at the same time.

Sorry, I guess that was my own stress vent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish my FIL and my mom would heed your advice op! FIL is 76 and eats whatever he wants, meaning he is overweight, but he still works and is in a good shape compared to many people his age. Still, his house is falling apart, both bathrooms are in a need to a major renovation, for which he has the money, and they have been like this for the last 15 years! He refuses to get them done. The shower that works has a wooden plank on top of it, and under it is broken tiles and mold and just disgust. We even offered to pay to get it done, but he refuses any attempt to fix it.
He keeps saying that he will not go like those people that get dementia or can't walk. He will go with pride and the way he wants!
My mom is obese and diabetic and now a widow and she is counting on me and my sister to take care of her. How does she think we can lift a 220lbs woman?

It takes 3 EMTs to lift my dad when he falls, but each time, he makes us negotiate for hours before we can call 911.

Really? He takes your phones away? No, of course not, because he's on the floor, unable to get up!

Leave the damn room and call 911. Immediately.

FFS. I get that it's hard, but some people make it way, way harder than it needs to be.

There are some serious health reasons why we can’t enrage him. He had a heart attack when one of my brothers defied him. We are genuinely terrified that we will provoke him into another one or a stroke and the ambulance will arrive too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How elder-later-life goes down is as varied as how parents have prepared for it, and what their personalities are.

I am in the midsts of a lot of siblings and their spouses with a lot of aging parents. One set refused to parent beyond, Be home by dinner, don't get arrested, and as soon as you're 18 you're not my responsibility, who also refused to help their own parents at end of life, are now demanding their children pay to care for them in a high manner since they have blown through their own money. And they haven't even gotten to the super expensive part. I don't mean to sound bitter, but I am stressed since I still have my own retirement and end of life care to secure. The money I had hoped to save is going toward their care. I shudder to think what will happen when one needs assisted living and the other needs 24-7 nursing care (which is where they are headed). So it's not just the 15K/month for nursing, but another 6K for assisted living for the other. And instead of 4 kids with 1 set of parents to deal with, and share responsibility and cost, it's actually 8 kids with 5 sets of parents all needing help and all aging at the same time.

Sorry, I guess that was my own stress vent!

If they have no money, medicaid pays for nursing home. There are some income based assisted living facilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am never, ever putting my kids through the hell of "age in place."

I am at the tail end of elder care. My parent is now in a nursing home in a continuing care retirement community. Mom lived first in an assisted living facility, not the CCRC but I got her in at the last minute..

The ALF was one of those that may have been the best around, but I think the entire assisted living model as commonly practiced is flawed. As a frail señior becomes more frail, they need nursing home care, not the ALF.

Keep in mind where people pass. Less than 20% do so at home, and some of those get back only within a few hours of their passing.

[Anonymous]

Dying "at home" only means: home is where they received their mail. That is what gets reported. That is the definition used for "home". If they lived in an assisted living facility, and died there, they died "at home".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dying "at home" only means: home is where they received their mail. That is what gets reported. That is the definition used for "home". If they lived in an assisted living facility, and died there, they died "at home".

Huh nursing home is the place of death for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish my FIL and my mom would heed your advice op! FIL is 76 and eats whatever he wants, meaning he is overweight, but he still works and is in a good shape compared to many people his age. Still, his house is falling apart, both bathrooms are in a need to a major renovation, for which he has the money, and they have been like this for the last 15 years! He refuses to get them done. The shower that works has a wooden plank on top of it, and under it is broken tiles and mold and just disgust. We even offered to pay to get it done, but he refuses any attempt to fix it.
He keeps saying that he will not go like those people that get dementia or can't walk. He will go with pride and the way he wants!
My mom is obese and diabetic and now a widow and she is counting on me and my sister to take care of her. How does she think we can lift a 220lbs woman?

It takes 3 EMTs to lift my dad when he falls, but each time, he makes us negotiate for hours before we can call 911.

Really? He takes your phones away? No, of course not, because he's on the floor, unable to get up!

Leave the damn room and call 911. Immediately.

FFS. I get that it's hard, but some people make it way, way harder than it needs to be.

There are some serious health reasons why we can’t enrage him. He had a heart attack when one of my brothers defied him. We are genuinely terrified that we will provoke him into another one or a stroke and the ambulance will arrive too late.

Well, that would solve the problem then, right? He is 76. No one lives forever..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish my FIL and my mom would heed your advice op! FIL is 76 and eats whatever he wants, meaning he is overweight, but he still works and is in a good shape compared to many people his age. Still, his house is falling apart, both bathrooms are in a need to a major renovation, for which he has the money, and they have been like this for the last 15 years! He refuses to get them done. The shower that works has a wooden plank on top of it, and under it is broken tiles and mold and just disgust. We even offered to pay to get it done, but he refuses any attempt to fix it.
He keeps saying that he will not go like those people that get dementia or can't walk. He will go with pride and the way he wants!
My mom is obese and diabetic and now a widow and she is counting on me and my sister to take care of her. How does she think we can lift a 220lbs woman?

It takes 3 EMTs to lift my dad when he falls, but each time, he makes us negotiate for hours before we can call 911.

Really? He takes your phones away? No, of course not, because he's on the floor, unable to get up!

Leave the damn room and call 911. Immediately.

FFS. I get that it's hard, but some people make it way, way harder than it needs to be.

There are some serious health reasons why we can’t enrage him. He had a heart attack when one of my brothers defied him. We are genuinely terrified that we will provoke him into another one or a stroke and the ambulance will arrive too late.

Well, that would solve the problem then, right? He is 76. No one lives forever..

You are confusing two different posters as well as being cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish my FIL and my mom would heed your advice op! FIL is 76 and eats whatever he wants, meaning he is overweight, but he still works and is in a good shape compared to many people his age. Still, his house is falling apart, both bathrooms are in a need to a major renovation, for which he has the money, and they have been like this for the last 15 years! He refuses to get them done. The shower that works has a wooden plank on top of it, and under it is broken tiles and mold and just disgust. We even offered to pay to get it done, but he refuses any attempt to fix it.
He keeps saying that he will not go like those people that get dementia or can't walk. He will go with pride and the way he wants!
My mom is obese and diabetic and now a widow and she is counting on me and my sister to take care of her. How does she think we can lift a 220lbs woman?

It takes 3 EMTs to lift my dad when he falls, but each time, he makes us negotiate for hours before we can call 911.

Really? He takes your phones away? No, of course not, because he's on the floor, unable to get up!

Leave the damn room and call 911. Immediately.

FFS. I get that it's hard, but some people make it way, way harder than it needs to be.

There are some serious health reasons why we can’t enrage him. He had a heart attack when one of my brothers defied him. We are genuinely terrified that we will provoke him into another one or a stroke and the ambulance will arrive too late.

Well, that would solve the problem then, right? He is 76. No one lives forever..

You are confusing two different posters as well as being cruel.

So the person that said " It takes 3 EMTs to lift my dad when he falls, but each time, he makes us negotiate for hours before we can call 911." is NOT the same person that said "There are some serious health reasons why we can’t enrage him. He had a heart attack when one of my brothers defied him. We are genuinely terrified that we will provoke him into another one or a stroke and the ambulance will arrive too late?"

Because the flow of the conversation definitely led me to believe that they were.

And not at all "cruel." Realistic.