Eldercare is tearing my family apart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only child here doing elder care for 1 parent. I wish we could be as kind to sick/ aging humans as we are to dogs. Some need to be put down but dont qualify for the very narrow right to die criteria (6 months to live and of sound mind). Alzheimer’s, dementia, and other physically slower deteriorating diseases are very common and it’s purely the greed of aging care industries that these people be kept alive and spoon fed at all costs so they can continue paying $9-15k a month for care. Sorry for the rant I’m just so over it and it’s more cruel when you know your family member in their “right mind” was the person who always said “I don’t want to end up like that/ please just kill me if I’m ever like that, etc”.

I totally agree. Medical greed is bankrupting our country and extending lives in truly miserable ways. We need to majorly rethink all of this as a society.

10000+ the medical system is so broken and predatory on the sick and old.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

NP - I'm caught in the position that we can't depend on SS/Medicaid because dad doesn't want to lose his house because Mom's health is better than his and suspects will outlive him by many years. They have a couple cars (worth very little, but still more than 1 car). He has less than $75K left in his retirement plan (could be significantly less, I can't remember). So, they can't afford care, they don't want to lose the little they have, so our family is helping as much as possible. We're not at the point it's tearing us apart yet, but I can see it headed there soon since daughters (and their spouses) seem to "care the most", sons (and their wives) are less involved and one sibling is out of town. This is all so new to me, I'm so thankful for threads like this to educate me, give ideas, and let me know what we're in for. I have nothing to offer, but prayers for you OP and other posters.

PP here.
Medicaid can kick in for one spouse and not the other, and they are not going to kick one out of the house (why would they want 2 on Medicaid when they could only pay for one, ie) and there are all sorts of rules regarding assets and splitting with one healthy spouse.
I would start looking into that now (as I recommend for everyone) so you are armed with correct information when the time inevitably comes.

That’s why I pop into these threads to mention this, education and information is crucial.

As I recall, the well spouse can have the house, a car, and up to $96K in assets while the ill spouse gets long term care covered by Medicaid. That was my my uncle bought an expensive new car when my aunt went into memory care (after years of being jealous of those women in the TV who were trying to steal her husband). When he died--healthy--in an auto accident those assets were attached to recoup Medicaid dollars spent on my aunt. His kids found it a rude surprise but I expected it--it was probably in the late 80s or early 90s when they passed laws so that the well spouse wouldn't have to become destitute or the couple have to divorce for the ill spouse to get care.

Clarification: the new car (not rolls royce or even cadillac, I think it was a Buick or Olds but a nice car) brought the remaining assets down to the 96k max, the car itself was exempt from the asset limit.

Why was it rude? Read the Medicaid paperwork. Rude is expecting an inheritance when there is money to pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of the stories here are of poor and irresponsible financial management by people, rather than of elder Care.

It’s not irresponsible not to save if you have always been low income living pay check to pay check. Some make minimum wage all their lives. Bit different than making $80k plus and choosing not to save. My mil did not have a dime to her ever. She never had more than a few outfits except for the gifts I bought. She had to worry about basics like food and rent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of the stories here are of poor and irresponsible financial management by people, rather than of elder Care.

Even if that were true, Einstein, any poor financial decisions were made by people other than those who are providing the elder care. If your parents are too poor for a good assisted living placement, what should the adult children do? That's literally the topic of the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of the stories here are of poor and irresponsible financial management by people, rather than of elder Care.

No, these are typical middle class people in the USA. Average people are not rich or irresponsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many of the stories here are of poor and irresponsible financial management by people, rather than of elder Care.

Even if that were true, Einstein, any poor financial decisions were made by people other than those who are providing the elder care. If your parents are too poor for a good assisted living placement, what should the adult children do? That's literally the topic of the thread.

My MIL was too poor. She had my husband young. She worked her entire life but it was always pay check to pay check. She was determined not to live with us but at some point she could barely function so she lived with us a year before we got her to a nursing home on medicaid as it took me a long time to find a bed. That's what you do. Middle class is what $50-90K a year. Many people don't make that much on minimum wage. Her social security was $900 a month. She was extremely responsible with money. But, its hard to save when you have little in the first place. She had never made $5K a month let alone the ability to save. There are low income assisted living but even they were too much financially as I got her into one.

The only option is LTC Medicaid in this area. In other states, they pay for home care and other options but it really depends on the state.

[Anonymous]

OP, i'm so sorry. Just at the beginning of this journey with my dad. he fell and broke a rib and an arm and now needs a live in aide, because with the broken arm and already being fragile and wobbly he now cant shower or dress. And he is incontinent at night and needs his sheets changed by someone with a working arm every morning, or else they stay filthy.

He hates the aide and the loss of privacy but refuses to consider assisted living. I've been stepping in to help as much as I can, with doctor's appointments, dealing with the aide agency, errands, and all that but with my own kids and job it is exhausting. He is also very isolated - does not have many friends.

I desperately wish he would consider assisted living. He would have more privacy than with the live in aide but I would not have to worry as much about more falls or other medical emergencies. He refused to consider it: talks about it as me wanting to "put him into a home." Does not/will not get that this is not like a nursing home, these are nice private apartments but there are on-call and scheduled aides.

He can afford it either way, but I don't think he really gets how stressful his situation is for me and my siblings (and i am the only one who lives close, so the burden falls mostly on me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, i'm so sorry. Just at the beginning of this journey with my dad. he fell and broke a rib and an arm and now needs a live in aide, because with the broken arm and already being fragile and wobbly he now cant shower or dress. And he is incontinent at night and needs his sheets changed by someone with a working arm every morning, or else they stay filthy.

He hates the aide and the loss of privacy but refuses to consider assisted living. I've been stepping in to help as much as I can, with doctor's appointments, dealing with the aide agency, errands, and all that but with my own kids and job it is exhausting. He is also very isolated - does not have many friends.

I desperately wish he would consider assisted living. He would have more privacy than with the live in aide but I would not have to worry as much about more falls or other medical emergencies. He refused to consider it: talks about it as me wanting to "put him into a home." Does not/will not get that this is not like a nursing home, these are nice private apartments but there are on-call and scheduled aides.

He can afford it either way, but I don't think he really gets how stressful his situation is for me and my siblings (and i am the only one who lives close, so the burden falls mostly on me).

This is hard on you, I know. Hang in there! When my Dad was dragging his feet about going to assisted living, I made appointments to tour several that I thought he would like - just to “look”. We had lunch, took a tour, and saw all of the activities and amenities. During that time, I also tried to make him see how busy I am with school-aged kids, husband, and home. I didn’t abandon him, but set limits on what I could do and when. It took several months, but he eventually saw that he needed assisted living. Especially since I am his only local child. He likes it now and has been there a few years. I think it improved his quality of life.

[Anonymous]

Given what all of you are going through, what advice would you give those of us whose parents are younger still? When/how should I bring these things up?

Alternatively, how does going through this shape your own plans for your future aging?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, i'm so sorry. Just at the beginning of this journey with my dad. he fell and broke a rib and an arm and now needs a live in aide, because with the broken arm and already being fragile and wobbly he now cant shower or dress. And he is incontinent at night and needs his sheets changed by someone with a working arm every morning, or else they stay filthy.

He hates the aide and the loss of privacy but refuses to consider assisted living. I've been stepping in to help as much as I can, with doctor's appointments, dealing with the aide agency, errands, and all that but with my own kids and job it is exhausting. He is also very isolated - does not have many friends.

I desperately wish he would consider assisted living. He would have more privacy than with the live in aide but I would not have to worry as much about more falls or other medical emergencies. He refused to consider it: talks about it as me wanting to "put him into a home." Does not/will not get that this is not like a nursing home, these are nice private apartments but there are on-call and scheduled aides.

He can afford it either way, but I don't think he really gets how stressful his situation is for me and my siblings (and i am the only one who lives close, so the burden falls mostly on me).

This is hard on you, I know. Hang in there! When my Dad was dragging his feet about going to assisted living, I made appointments to tour several that I thought he would like - just to “look”. We had lunch, took a tour, and saw all of the activities and amenities. During that time, I also tried to make him see how busy I am with school-aged kids, husband, and home. I didn’t abandon him, but set limits on what I could do and when. It took several months, but he eventually saw that he needed assisted living. Especially since I am his only local child. He likes it now and has been there a few years. I think it improved his quality of life.

YES, this is great advice. We had to do the visit for lunch too. Also, like you said, you must make it crystal clear how busy you are and set major limits. I did myself in trying to do it all and there was no appreciation or understanding and it ended up making me livid. I should have sold my story more and made it clear verbally and often how much was on my plate. I didn't want to stress my parent, but then my parent had no understanding of the hell my life had become.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, i'm so sorry. Just at the beginning of this journey with my dad. he fell and broke a rib and an arm and now needs a live in aide, because with the broken arm and already being fragile and wobbly he now cant shower or dress. And he is incontinent at night and needs his sheets changed by someone with a working arm every morning, or else they stay filthy.

He hates the aide and the loss of privacy but refuses to consider assisted living. I've been stepping in to help as much as I can, with doctor's appointments, dealing with the aide agency, errands, and all that but with my own kids and job it is exhausting. He is also very isolated - does not have many friends.

I desperately wish he would consider assisted living. He would have more privacy than with the live in aide but I would not have to worry as much about more falls or other medical emergencies. He refused to consider it: talks about it as me wanting to "put him into a home." Does not/will not get that this is not like a nursing home, these are nice private apartments but there are on-call and scheduled aides.

He can afford it either way, but I don't think he really gets how stressful his situation is for me and my siblings (and i am the only one who lives close, so the burden falls mostly on me).

This is hard on you, I know. Hang in there! When my Dad was dragging his feet about going to assisted living, I made appointments to tour several that I thought he would like - just to “look”. We had lunch, took a tour, and saw all of the activities and amenities. During that time, I also tried to make him see how busy I am with school-aged kids, husband, and home. I didn’t abandon him, but set limits on what I could do and when. It took several months, but he eventually saw that he needed assisted living. Especially since I am his only local child. He likes it now and has been there a few years. I think it improved his quality of life.

Also, my Dad had to relocate to this area because his health was deteriorating and he needed to be closer to me. That meant my husband, kids, and I were the only people he knew and he was dependent on us for everything, including entertainment. Now, in assisted living, he has people his own age to talk to and socialize with. It’s better for all of us. We can all socialize because we want to, not because we feel like we have to. I wish it wasn’t so expensive, but it was the best alternative we could come up with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish my FIL and my mom would heed your advice op! FIL is 76 and eats whatever he wants, meaning he is overweight, but he still works and is in a good shape compared to many people his age. Still, his house is falling apart, both bathrooms are in a need to a major renovation, for which he has the money, and they have been like this for the last 15 years! He refuses to get them done. The shower that works has a wooden plank on top of it, and under it is broken tiles and mold and just disgust. We even offered to pay to get it done, but he refuses any attempt to fix it.
He keeps saying that he will not go like those people that get dementia or can't walk. He will go with pride and the way he wants!
My mom is obese and diabetic and now a widow and she is counting on me and my sister to take care of her. How does she think we can lift a 220lbs woman?

It takes 3 EMTs to lift my dad when he falls, but each time, he makes us negotiate for hours before we can call 911.

I'm not trying to be rude. I'm really not. But, why? He's laying on the floor, right? Am I misunderstanding? What are you negotiating about? The person stuck laying on the floor doesn't have much bargaining power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many of the stories here are of poor and irresponsible financial management by people, rather than of elder Care.

No, these are typical middle class people in the USA. Average people are not rich or irresponsible.

My parents were middle class and also prepared responsibly for their old age. Don’t use poor financial mgmt as an excuse for the middle class. How insulting to those that were responsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many of the stories here are of poor and irresponsible financial management by people, rather than of elder Care.

Even if that were true, Einstein, any poor financial decisions were made by people other than those who are providing the elder care. If your parents are too poor for a good assisted living placement, what should the adult children do? That's literally the topic of the thread.

Apply for Medicaid!