Eldercare is tearing my family apart

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry OP. Honestly starting this thread, stepping back and looking at the big picture, might be step one in you seeing what you need to do to make your life functional again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so grateful that my father agreed to go to a retirement community with a continuum of care when I gently told him it was time. I had helped him remain in his own place for ten years (brought him meals, ran errands for him, took care of him in my home after every health crisis, took him to all his doctors appointments, etc).

But after a half dozen falls, I told him it was time to go somewhere where he would be safer. He lived in an independent apartment for over a year before transitioning into assisted living (got to Stay in the same apartment but just got more services).

In some ways I was lucky because I’m an only child and I didn’t have to deal with siblings. I’ve seen the strain of dealing with eldercare tear apart entire families so I’m glad I dodged that bullet.

I’m also glad that my father chose a CCC. He started out as an independent resident, but as his health declined he began receiving assisted living services - medication management, help with bathing and dressing, etc. He has stayed in the same apartment, which is nice. I’m the only child who lives near him, so it’s been a Godsend knowing that he has other people around to talk to and help look after him. It’s not cheap, though. It takes every bit of his SS and pension, and then some. I hope that I will be able to afford similar care when I’m old but the way costs keep going up, I doubt it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am never, ever putting my kids through the hell of "age in place."

Sometimes its a bunch of bad options. Our family member had no money. I'm sure she didn't want to burden us but its a problem if you worked all your life and weren't able to save and social security is not enough to pay for living expenses and care. I hope to drop dead.

Ugh. Yes, rough but I agree.

[Anonymous]

The costs of private care are nearly impossible. How does anyone afford $8-10,000 a month for ten years??

[Anonymous]

OP,

I find communicating with sibling over Mom's care via email only is best. No texts, no meetings, no phone calls.
I'd keep the grandchild out of it. His parent can keep him/her informed.

Look around at residency options, nursing homes, assisted living etc.

Some scripts,

"My physicican has advised me to step back from Mom's care due to husbands cancer care. I can no longer provide daily care for Mom. I've scheduled Mom at _________
so that I can get 3 weeks of respite care. I will be signing the contract for respite care on __________. Mom will be moving into ___________ nursing home for 3 weeks so that I can get my physician prescribed respite care."

another script

"My physician has advised me to step away from Moms day to day care for medical reasons. Mom and I have toured ________. I will be signing the contract for her to move in to ______________ on ________________. Mom will
be moving in to ______________on _________.

another script

My physician has advised me to step away from Moms day to day care due to my husbands cancer battle. I am no longer available to get Mom groceries, feed Mom, launder Mom's clothes and pay Moms bills, clean Mom's house and do Mom's dishes. I've toured __________, and _____________, and ___________
with Mom. I think the family should consider alternative residency options for Mom and I believe considering these options will be a safer long term option for Mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The costs of private care are nearly impossible. How does anyone afford $8-10,000 a month for ten years??

Most don’t. They end up struggling to manage on their own until a fall or hospitalization lands them in a nursing home. They private pay for a few months until the money runs out, and end up on Medicaid wherever will take them. The reality of aging in this country is extremely depressing.

[Anonymous]

I am literally dreading this issue. My mom already refused any outside help when she had cancer a few years ago, even though I was then pregnant with our third, my sister was making this more difficult (her usual role), and the friends of hers that promised to help really varied in their ability to do so. Her parents aged in place but had the money to hire round the clock care. My mom doesn't have that. My dad, I don't think, will put up the same fight, but he also has very little money so it will be strictly what SS/Medicare can pay for. My mom may have to go that route, too (they're divorced).

I feel you, OP. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve already had rifts between one sibling and the rest. I predict a rift between “the kids” and at least one adult grandchild.

Just imploring those of you still sound of kind and body to make considerate and effective plans for your future. It is cruel for you to insist on aging at home if you can’t afford hired help. I know you think that your children will joyfully care for you, but you can’t predict what life will throw their way. I have reached the point where I can care for myself, my ill spouse, and my minor child OR I can make my dad’s dream of living on his own come true. He is a drowning man pulling me under. It looks horrible for me to step back, but I never agreed to do this. It was foisted on me mid-crisis and I am being honest that I’m in crisis now. Please, please do not do this to your children and grandchildren. I’m sure a bunch of the usual posters will chime in that they wish their mom or dad was still alive so they could do 40 hours of eldercare a week while also working full time, trying to help a spouse through cancer treatments, and raise a child. Fine. Can you take my place?

I’m so sorry, OP. I know it’s hard. I’ve been there. You need to prioritize your husband and child, so outsource your Dad’s care as much as possible.

I never thought I would end up having to take charge of my father’s care, but a medical emergency forced it on me and my sibling is of no help at all. I quickly realized that I had to prioritize my own husband and children, which meant finding a CCC for Dad. It hasn’t been easy and I worry a lot about $, but I would probably be divorced with out-of-control teenagers if I hadn’t listened to my gut and come to realize that I couldn’t care for Dad in my own home 24/7 without dire consequences. Your biggest responsibility is to your husband and children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The costs of private care are nearly impossible. How does anyone afford $8-10,000 a month for ten years??

My mom has two separate long-term care insurance policies that (THANK GOD!) she started paying for around 2001. She had a stroke in 2010 and has been in assisted living ever since. She has long since recouped the cost of premiums and then some. I don't even know if you can buy long-term care insurance now or how much the premiums would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The costs of private care are nearly impossible. How does anyone afford $8-10,000 a month for ten years??

My mom has two separate long-term care insurance policies that (THANK GOD!) she started paying for around 2001. She had a stroke in 2010 and has been in assisted living ever since. She has long since recouped the cost of premiums and then some. I don't even know if you can buy long-term care insurance now or how much the premiums would be.

She lived with us for a couple of months before she moved into assisted living. A nurse came in three times a week to help her with bathing. Nevertheless it drove me nuts. Can't imagine doing that for ten years.

[Anonymous]

As I get older, I'm discovering this is very common. I feel very lucky that my parents made arrangements for their care long before they needed it. My elderly inlaws, on the other hand, refuse to move or do anything proactive.
No advice, just commiseration OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve already had rifts between one sibling and the rest. I predict a rift between “the kids” and at least one adult grandchild.

Just imploring those of you still sound of kind and body to make considerate and effective plans for your future. It is cruel for you to insist on aging at home if you can’t afford hired help. I know you think that your children will joyfully care for you, but you can’t predict what life will throw their way. I have reached the point where I can care for myself, my ill spouse, and my minor child OR I can make my dad’s dream of living on his own come true. He is a drowning man pulling me under. It looks horrible for me to step back, but I never agreed to do this. It was foisted on me mid-crisis and I am being honest that I’m in crisis now. Please, please do not do this to your children and grandchildren. I’m sure a bunch of the usual posters will chime in that they wish their mom or dad was still alive so they could do 40 hours of eldercare a week while also working full time, trying to help a spouse through cancer treatments, and raise a child. Fine. Can you take my place?

Your dad did plan for his retirement and this is what he planned - to age in place inside of his home. He will either need to live with that choice or sell his home and find a more suitable arrangement.

He can not expect you to drop everything in your own life to make his lifestyle doable for him. He either can live independently or he can't live independently and needs to either hire help or move. I don't mean to sound like a hard azz but old age is not for sissies. We will all get to that point and we need to plan as best as we can for it.

Hinging your retirement plans on "Well, my adult children will be doing X, Y, Z for me" is NOT a plan. It is an attempt to kick the can of responsibility over to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve already had rifts between one sibling and the rest. I predict a rift between “the kids” and at least one adult grandchild.

Just imploring those of you still sound of kind and body to make considerate and effective plans for your future. It is cruel for you to insist on aging at home if you can’t afford hired help. I know you think that your children will joyfully care for you, but you can’t predict what life will throw their way. I have reached the point where I can care for myself, my ill spouse, and my minor child OR I can make my dad’s dream of living on his own come true. He is a drowning man pulling me under. It looks horrible for me to step back, but I never agreed to do this. It was foisted on me mid-crisis and I am being honest that I’m in crisis now. Please, please do not do this to your children and grandchildren. I’m sure a bunch of the usual posters will chime in that they wish their mom or dad was still alive so they could do 40 hours of eldercare a week while also working full time, trying to help a spouse through cancer treatments, and raise a child. Fine. Can you take my place?

Your dad did plan for his retirement and this is what he planned - to age in place inside of his home. He will either need to live with that choice or sell his home and find a more suitable arrangement.

He can not expect you to drop everything in your own life to make his lifestyle doable for him. He either can live independently or he can't live independently and needs to either hire help or move. I don't mean to sound like a hard azz but old age is not for sissies. We will all get to that point and we need to plan as best as we can for it.

Hinging your retirement plans on "Well, my adult children will be doing X, Y, Z for me" is NOT a plan. It is an attempt to kick the can of responsibility over to your kids.

This. It's difficult, OP, but you need to take the position that he made this choice, and therefore he needs to deal with it. He can't force you to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

NP - I'm caught in the position that we can't depend on SS/Medicaid because dad doesn't want to lose his house because Mom's health is better than his and suspects will outlive him by many years. They have a couple cars (worth very little, but still more than 1 car). He has less than $75K left in his retirement plan (could be significantly less, I can't remember). So, they can't afford care, they don't want to lose the little they have, so our family is helping as much as possible. We're not at the point it's tearing us apart yet, but I can see it headed there soon since daughters (and their spouses) seem to "care the most", sons (and their wives) are less involved and one sibling is out of town. This is all so new to me, I'm so thankful for threads like this to educate me, give ideas, and let me know what we're in for. I have nothing to offer, but prayers for you OP and other posters.