Eldercare is tearing my family apart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.

No. I unfortunately dealt with this in my 20's with one parent and have a parent in their mid 80's now. They have required very different types of help.

One thing that I learned all those years ago was that I can not do this alone. When things get tough they get very, very tough and others can't always drop their lives to help out. I am so very lucky that my living parent decided to downsize and go into a retirement community where the residents have plenty of activities and help with cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, etc. I can go on vacation without worry. I have no guilt because my parent told me a long time ago that this is what they would want.

I am cognizant of the example that I am setting for my own kids. Only 30 years ago (just yesterday!), I was falling in love with their dad. In 30 more years I will be in my mid 80's, myself. Life flies.

It's so so so good for you that you learned that you can't do it alone and how lucky you are that your living parent chose well. And so mature of you to do the same.

Now tell all these good people who parents are NOT making those decisions how to solve the hell that they are in. If you can't? Stop talking.

I don't have the answers. I can only say that you learn through doing. You learn what your own limits are and learn what you can and can not expect yourself to handle.

The problem is that once the family caregiver reaches their limit, the elderly loved one and often the other relatives are accustomed to the status quo. It’s a much bigger shake up than than if the family caregiver had refused from the start. I admit that part of my resentment toward my sibling is that he never helped out, but a decade later, no one expects anything from him. In contrast, the expect me to figure out a way to make it work because I always have before.

It will always be more than you though. More physically taxing. More emotionally draining. More financially devastating. Take what you thought it would be and imagine that doubling every 30 days.

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/story/2020-02-16/doctor-patients-send-home-to-die

Right. I know that I will not be able to provide eldercare in my home. I also can not provide respite care. I have been clear about that from the get go. Thankfully, that is not expected.

I think that people agree to this out of duty and the goodness of their heart w/o realizing how mentally/physically/financially taxing and just plain overwhelming it can get. And it can go on for years.

You need to be able to lead your life. And you need to know your limits.

You should selfish. You could and choose not to.

Are you my sister-in-law? Sounds like it. I think my brother and SIL thought I would happily provide care in my home for free while preserving their inheritance, while they did nothing to help. Nope. Not happening. I made sure our parent has
a clean, safe, comfortable assisted living facility with activities, medication management, and all meals provided. I visit regularly and help out in other ways. Bro has visited just a few times over a period of several years - and he doesn’t live that far away. If I don’t inherit a dime, that’s ok. My sanity is more valuable than any amount of money.

Sounds like money is important. If you do nothing why go on rants?

There’s a lot of work to be done even if a parent is in assisted living rather than aging-in-place or living with one of their children. Helping with bill-paying, filing taxes, providing transportation to doctor’s appointments and keeping track of medical issues, grocery shopping, making sure the parent has enough socks or clothes that fit, etc. Visiting and keeping the parent happy and content. I’m not going on a rant, just pointing out that people who aren’t involved are blissfully ignorant about what caregivers endure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.

No. I unfortunately dealt with this in my 20's with one parent and have a parent in their mid 80's now. They have required very different types of help.

One thing that I learned all those years ago was that I can not do this alone. When things get tough they get very, very tough and others can't always drop their lives to help out. I am so very lucky that my living parent decided to downsize and go into a retirement community where the residents have plenty of activities and help with cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, etc. I can go on vacation without worry. I have no guilt because my parent told me a long time ago that this is what they would want.

I am cognizant of the example that I am setting for my own kids. Only 30 years ago (just yesterday!), I was falling in love with their dad. In 30 more years I will be in my mid 80's, myself. Life flies.

It's so so so good for you that you learned that you can't do it alone and how lucky you are that your living parent chose well. And so mature of you to do the same.

Now tell all these good people who parents are NOT making those decisions how to solve the hell that they are in. If you can't? Stop talking.

I don't have the answers. I can only say that you learn through doing. You learn what your own limits are and learn what you can and can not expect yourself to handle.

The problem is that once the family caregiver reaches their limit, the elderly loved one and often the other relatives are accustomed to the status quo. It’s a much bigger shake up than than if the family caregiver had refused from the start. I admit that part of my resentment toward my sibling is that he never helped out, but a decade later, no one expects anything from him. In contrast, the expect me to figure out a way to make it work because I always have before.

It will always be more than you though. More physically taxing. More emotionally draining. More financially devastating. Take what you thought it would be and imagine that doubling every 30 days.

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/story/2020-02-16/doctor-patients-send-home-to-die

Right. I know that I will not be able to provide eldercare in my home. I also can not provide respite care. I have been clear about that from the get go. Thankfully, that is not expected.

I think that people agree to this out of duty and the goodness of their heart w/o realizing how mentally/physically/financially taxing and just plain overwhelming it can get. And it can go on for years.

You need to be able to lead your life. And you need to know your limits.

You should selfish. You could and choose not to.

Are you my sister-in-law? Sounds like it. I think my brother and SIL thought I would happily provide care in my home for free while preserving their inheritance, while they did nothing to help. Nope. Not happening. I made sure our parent has
a clean, safe, comfortable assisted living facility with activities, medication management, and all meals provided. I visit regularly and help out in other ways. Bro has visited just a few times over a period of several years - and he doesn’t live that far away. If I don’t inherit a dime, that’s ok. My sanity is more valuable than any amount of money.

Sounds like money is important. If you do nothing why go on rants?

Sounds like the pp is the one doing regular visits, probably having the parent over for the holidays, taking them out for their birthday, celebrating Mother's/Father's Day....you might that's "nothing" but I'll bet it means something to pp's parent.

[Anonymous]

My dad is in a Medicaid bed in a secure memory care facility that is a mix of Medicaid and private pay. His “household” looks like a college dorm with a common area surrounded by private rooms with en-suite bathrooms. The food is simple but prepared in the kitchen each day and the cook takes requests as much as he can. I just had our yearly call with his therapist about his goals for the year. I mentioned some of his favorite movies that she hadn’t know about; she said that she will rent them for him.

He is safe, well cared for, and seems happier than when my mom was driving herself into the ground trying to care for him at home. It did take a long time on the waitlist to get this spot.

Hang in there, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad is in a Medicaid bed in a secure memory care facility that is a mix of Medicaid and private pay. His “household” looks like a college dorm with a common area surrounded by private rooms with en-suite bathrooms. The food is simple but prepared in the kitchen each day and the cook takes requests as much as he can. I just had our yearly call with his therapist about his goals for the year. I mentioned some of his favorite movies that she hadn’t know about; she said that she will rent them for him.

He is safe, well cared for, and seems happier than when my mom was driving herself into the ground trying to care for him at home. It did take a long time on the waitlist to get this spot.

Hang in there, OP.

It sounds like your Dad is in a good place. Is it near DC?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only child here doing elder care for 1 parent. I wish we could be as kind to sick/ aging humans as we are to dogs. Some need to be put down but dont qualify for the very narrow right to die criteria (6 months to live and of sound mind). Alzheimer’s, dementia, and other physically slower deteriorating diseases are very common and it’s purely the greed of aging care industries that these people be kept alive and spoon fed at all costs so they can continue paying $9-15k a month for care. Sorry for the rant I’m just so over it and it’s more cruel when you know your family member in their “right mind” was the person who always said “I don’t want to end up like that/ please just kill me if I’m ever like that, etc”.

I totally agree. Medical greed is bankrupting our country and extending lives in truly miserable ways. We need to majorly rethink all of this as a society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is in a Medicaid bed in a secure memory care facility that is a mix of Medicaid and private pay. His “household” looks like a college dorm with a common area surrounded by private rooms with en-suite bathrooms. The food is simple but prepared in the kitchen each day and the cook takes requests as much as he can. I just had our yearly call with his therapist about his goals for the year. I mentioned some of his favorite movies that she hadn’t know about; she said that she will rent them for him.

He is safe, well cared for, and seems happier than when my mom was driving herself into the ground trying to care for him at home. It did take a long time on the waitlist to get this spot.

Hang in there, OP.

It sounds like your Dad is in a good place. Is it near DC?

It really does sound like your dad is in a good place. I'll bet your mom is doing a lot better, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.

No. I unfortunately dealt with this in my 20's with one parent and have a parent in their mid 80's now. They have required very different types of help.

One thing that I learned all those years ago was that I can not do this alone. When things get tough they get very, very tough and others can't always drop their lives to help out. I am so very lucky that my living parent decided to downsize and go into a retirement community where the residents have plenty of activities and help with cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, etc. I can go on vacation without worry. I have no guilt because my parent told me a long time ago that this is what they would want.

I am cognizant of the example that I am setting for my own kids. Only 30 years ago (just yesterday!), I was falling in love with their dad. In 30 more years I will be in my mid 80's, myself. Life flies.

It's so so so good for you that you learned that you can't do it alone and how lucky you are that your living parent chose well. And so mature of you to do the same.

Now tell all these good people who parents are NOT making those decisions how to solve the hell that they are in. If you can't? Stop talking.

I don't have the answers. I can only say that you learn through doing. You learn what your own limits are and learn what you can and can not expect yourself to handle.

The problem is that once the family caregiver reaches their limit, the elderly loved one and often the other relatives are accustomed to the status quo. It’s a much bigger shake up than than if the family caregiver had refused from the start. I admit that part of my resentment toward my sibling is that he never helped out, but a decade later, no one expects anything from him. In contrast, the expect me to figure out a way to make it work because I always have before.

It will always be more than you though. More physically taxing. More emotionally draining. More financially devastating. Take what you thought it would be and imagine that doubling every 30 days.

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/story/2020-02-16/doctor-patients-send-home-to-die

Right. I know that I will not be able to provide eldercare in my home. I also can not provide respite care. I have been clear about that from the get go. Thankfully, that is not expected.

I think that people agree to this out of duty and the goodness of their heart w/o realizing how mentally/physically/financially taxing and just plain overwhelming it can get. And it can go on for years.

You need to be able to lead your life. And you need to know your limits.

You should selfish. You could and choose not to.

Are you my sister-in-law? Sounds like it. I think my brother and SIL thought I would happily provide care in my home for free while preserving their inheritance, while they did nothing to help. Nope. Not happening. I made sure our parent has
a clean, safe, comfortable assisted living facility with activities, medication management, and all meals provided. I visit regularly and help out in other ways. Bro has visited just a few times over a period of several years - and he doesn’t live that far away. If I don’t inherit a dime, that’s ok. My sanity is more valuable than any amount of money.

Sounds like money is important. If you do nothing why go on rants?

There’s a lot of work to be done even if a parent is in assisted living rather than aging-in-place or living with one of their children. Helping with bill-paying, filing taxes, providing transportation to doctor’s appointments and keeping track of medical issues, grocery shopping, making sure the parent has enough socks or clothes that fit, etc. Visiting and keeping the parent happy and content. I’m not going on a rant, just pointing out that people who aren’t involved are blissfully ignorant about what caregivers endure.

Different poster. This is true and does need to be pointed out. However, there is nothing like the peace of mind of knowing your loved one is in a place with trained professionals to be there for falls and peers for socialization. Yes, sometimes the falls are not tended too within the preferred amount of time. Same as at home. People need people and I do believe the elderly need more socialization that just their burned out family and the TV set. I saw my loved one perk up so much having the socializing with other elderly. I don't think anyone should be visiting every day unless they truly want to. Out loved ones who are still capable enough need the chance to make friends. You don't want to enable partial isolation and dependency on just us for social stimulation. For transportation there are services and some places provide transport. I do agree though, those not involved are blissfully ignorant and they say the most asinine things to those of us who are involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only child here doing elder care for 1 parent. I wish we could be as kind to sick/ aging humans as we are to dogs. Some need to be put down but dont qualify for the very narrow right to die criteria (6 months to live and of sound mind). Alzheimer’s, dementia, and other physically slower deteriorating diseases are very common and it’s purely the greed of aging care industries that these people be kept alive and spoon fed at all costs so they can continue paying $9-15k a month for care. Sorry for the rant I’m just so over it and it’s more cruel when you know your family member in their “right mind” was the person who always said “I don’t want to end up like that/ please just kill me if I’m ever like that, etc”.

I totally agree. Medical greed is bankrupting our country and extending lives in truly miserable ways. We need to majorly rethink all of this as a society.

You can always refuse food or medical care. It is not greed.

[Anonymous]

My mom,- dad have good pension, medical care and insurance. They moved in with my brother and pay him. The running of the house cooking etc is done by staff my brother hired. They all benefit. My parents have a separate suite. I

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.

No. I unfortunately dealt with this in my 20's with one parent and have a parent in their mid 80's now. They have required very different types of help.

One thing that I learned all those years ago was that I can not do this alone. When things get tough they get very, very tough and others can't always drop their lives to help out. I am so very lucky that my living parent decided to downsize and go into a retirement community where the residents have plenty of activities and help with cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, etc. I can go on vacation without worry. I have no guilt because my parent told me a long time ago that this is what they would want.

I am cognizant of the example that I am setting for my own kids. Only 30 years ago (just yesterday!), I was falling in love with their dad. In 30 more years I will be in my mid 80's, myself. Life flies.

It's so so so good for you that you learned that you can't do it alone and how lucky you are that your living parent chose well. And so mature of you to do the same.

Now tell all these good people who parents are NOT making those decisions how to solve the hell that they are in. If you can't? Stop talking.

I don't have the answers. I can only say that you learn through doing. You learn what your own limits are and learn what you can and can not expect yourself to handle.

The problem is that once the family caregiver reaches their limit, the elderly loved one and often the other relatives are accustomed to the status quo. It’s a much bigger shake up than than if the family caregiver had refused from the start. I admit that part of my resentment toward my sibling is that he never helped out, but a decade later, no one expects anything from him. In contrast, the expect me to figure out a way to make it work because I always have before.

It will always be more than you though. More physically taxing. More emotionally draining. More financially devastating. Take what you thought it would be and imagine that doubling every 30 days.

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/story/2020-02-16/doctor-patients-send-home-to-die

Right. I know that I will not be able to provide eldercare in my home. I also can not provide respite care. I have been clear about that from the get go. Thankfully, that is not expected.

I think that people agree to this out of duty and the goodness of their heart w/o realizing how mentally/physically/financially taxing and just plain overwhelming it can get. And it can go on for years.

You need to be able to lead your life. And you need to know your limits.

You should selfish. You could and choose not to.

Are you my sister-in-law? Sounds like it. I think my brother and SIL thought I would happily provide care in my home for free while preserving their inheritance, while they did nothing to help. Nope. Not happening. I made sure our parent has
a clean, safe, comfortable assisted living facility with activities, medication management, and all meals provided. I visit regularly and help out in other ways. Bro has visited just a few times over a period of several years - and he doesn’t live that far away. If I don’t inherit a dime, that’s ok. My sanity is more valuable than any amount of money.

Sounds like money is important. If you do nothing why go on rants?

There’s a lot of work to be done even if a parent is in assisted living rather than aging-in-place or living with one of their children. Helping with bill-paying, filing taxes, providing transportation to doctor’s appointments and keeping track of medical issues, grocery shopping, making sure the parent has enough socks or clothes that fit, etc. Visiting and keeping the parent happy and content. I’m not going on a rant, just pointing out that people who aren’t involved are blissfully ignorant about what caregivers endure.

Different poster. This is true and does need to be pointed out. However, there is nothing like the peace of mind of knowing your loved one is in a place with trained professionals to be there for falls and peers for socialization. Yes, sometimes the falls are not tended too within the preferred amount of time. Same as at home. People need people and I do believe the elderly need more socialization that just their burned out family and the TV set. I saw my loved one perk up so much having the socializing with other elderly. I don't think anyone should be visiting every day unless they truly want to. Out loved ones who are still capable enough need the chance to make friends. You don't want to enable partial isolation and dependency on just us for social stimulation. For transportation there are services and some places provide transport. I do agree though, those not involved are blissfully ignorant and they say the most asinine things to those of us who are involved.

Exactly. They get to maintain a sense of independence by having their own place and routine while making friends with people going through the same life stage as they are. Getting involved in the activities, entertainment, taking advantage of the bus transportation, going on group outings can be a lot of fun for them. No place is perfect and getting older is not always easy, but they are never alone with their problems. Friends look out for one another and check on each other. So does the staff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom,- dad have good pension, medical care and insurance. They moved in with my brother and pay him. The running of the house cooking etc is done by staff my brother hired. They all benefit. My parents have a separate suite. I

Is this in a different country than the US? Because here, that level of care usually entails private wealth. I just looked into what we could do with my dad’s pension, Medicare (what a joke), private insurance, and a veteran’s benefit. It’s 2.5 hours a day. Which means I could not work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom,- dad have good pension, medical care and insurance. They moved in with my brother and pay him. The running of the house cooking etc is done by staff my brother hired. They all benefit. My parents have a separate suite. I

Is this in a different country than the US? Because here, that level of care usually entails private wealth. I just looked into what we could do with my dad’s pension, Medicare (what a joke), private insurance, and a veteran’s benefit. It’s 2.5 hours a day. Which means I could not work.

No, they are wealthy probably. I’m impressed you could get 2.5. We got nothing. Some states Medicaid pay for in home aides but not here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.

No. I unfortunately dealt with this in my 20's with one parent and have a parent in their mid 80's now. They have required very different types of help.

One thing that I learned all those years ago was that I can not do this alone. When things get tough they get very, very tough and others can't always drop their lives to help out. I am so very lucky that my living parent decided to downsize and go into a retirement community where the residents have plenty of activities and help with cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, etc. I can go on vacation without worry. I have no guilt because my parent told me a long time ago that this is what they would want.

I am cognizant of the example that I am setting for my own kids. Only 30 years ago (just yesterday!), I was falling in love with their dad. In 30 more years I will be in my mid 80's, myself. Life flies.

It's so so so good for you that you learned that you can't do it alone and how lucky you are that your living parent chose well. And so mature of you to do the same.

Now tell all these good people who parents are NOT making those decisions how to solve the hell that they are in. If you can't? Stop talking.

I don't have the answers. I can only say that you learn through doing. You learn what your own limits are and learn what you can and can not expect yourself to handle.

Then stop talking. Your ‘advice’ is worthless.

My advice to you is that you sound as though you are seething right now. You have taken way too much on and it is impacting your physical and mental health. it is o.k. to make yourself a priority. Do it. You will be no help at all to anybody if you let yourself break down.

If things have gotten that bad it's time to look into alternative solutions. You need to back off and let the chips fall where they may.

LOL. I”m the one who is 3000 miles away. My sister is the one doing the work and I’m doing some financial support. She’s fine with that. I’m fine with that. Not nearly near a breakdown. I have the time and the resources to help more if needed and so do they.

What gets me seething, as you put it, is you serving up platitudes to other posters on this forum with real issues that your ‘feelings’ won’t solve. Know what would help them? You stop running your mouth and doing the real physical heavy lifting when needed, paying the bills they can’t afford to pay, dealing with the dementia meltdowns they are experiencing, etc.

Saying “look at it from your PARENTS point of view doesn’t help. What it DOES do is inflict guilt in the caregiver, which, I suspect, is what your real goal is. I can tell that from your post to me. MY goal was to get you to show your true colors and I was 100% successful at doing so.

I have been the closest one to the situation. I am not 3000 or even 300 miles away. I am THERE.

Happy for you. My parents decided 15 years ago to retire cross-country. Their choice.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

People like you amuse me to no end. You spout psychological platitudes and offer no real solution to real world problems. Real life is a lot messier than you describe, and there’s often a lot of spoons trying to stir the soup, oftentimes worrying about their own inheritance. The people making the toddler comments are addressing the actual behavior they have to work with, not the feels behind the behavior. Understanding the feelings changes nothing.

No. I unfortunately dealt with this in my 20's with one parent and have a parent in their mid 80's now. They have required very different types of help.

One thing that I learned all those years ago was that I can not do this alone. When things get tough they get very, very tough and others can't always drop their lives to help out. I am so very lucky that my living parent decided to downsize and go into a retirement community where the residents have plenty of activities and help with cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands, etc. I can go on vacation without worry. I have no guilt because my parent told me a long time ago that this is what they would want.

I am cognizant of the example that I am setting for my own kids. Only 30 years ago (just yesterday!), I was falling in love with their dad. In 30 more years I will be in my mid 80's, myself. Life flies.

It's so so so good for you that you learned that you can't do it alone and how lucky you are that your living parent chose well. And so mature of you to do the same.

Now tell all these good people who parents are NOT making those decisions how to solve the hell that they are in. If you can't? Stop talking.

I don't have the answers. I can only say that you learn through doing. You learn what your own limits are and learn what you can and can not expect yourself to handle.

The problem is that once the family caregiver reaches their limit, the elderly loved one and often the other relatives are accustomed to the status quo. It’s a much bigger shake up than than if the family caregiver had refused from the start. I admit that part of my resentment toward my sibling is that he never helped out, but a decade later, no one expects anything from him. In contrast, the expect me to figure out a way to make it work because I always have before.

It will always be more than you though. More physically taxing. More emotionally draining. More financially devastating. Take what you thought it would be and imagine that doubling every 30 days.

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/story/2020-02-16/doctor-patients-send-home-to-die

Right. I know that I will not be able to provide eldercare in my home. I also can not provide respite care. I have been clear about that from the get go. Thankfully, that is not expected.

I think that people agree to this out of duty and the goodness of their heart w/o realizing how mentally/physically/financially taxing and just plain overwhelming it can get. And it can go on for years.

You need to be able to lead your life. And you need to know your limits.

You should selfish. You could and choose not to.

Are you my sister-in-law? Sounds like it. I think my brother and SIL thought I would happily provide care in my home for free while preserving their inheritance, while they did nothing to help. Nope. Not happening. I made sure our parent has
a clean, safe, comfortable assisted living facility with activities, medication management, and all meals provided. I visit regularly and help out in other ways. Bro has visited just a few times over a period of several years - and he doesn’t live that far away. If I don’t inherit a dime, that’s ok. My sanity is more valuable than any amount of money.

Sounds like money is important. If you do nothing why go on rants?

Not the PP but I'm beginning to see you for the narcissist you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom,- dad have good pension, medical care and insurance. They moved in with my brother and pay him. The running of the house cooking etc is done by staff my brother hired. They all benefit. My parents have a separate suite. I

This is exactly the set up my SIL had with her parents. Worked out beautifully, especially since my SIL is a nurse.