Eldercare is tearing my family apart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

NP - I'm caught in the position that we can't depend on SS/Medicaid because dad doesn't want to lose his house because Mom's health is better than his and suspects will outlive him by many years. They have a couple cars (worth very little, but still more than 1 car). He has less than $75K left in his retirement plan (could be significantly less, I can't remember). So, they can't afford care, they don't want to lose the little they have, so our family is helping as much as possible. We're not at the point it's tearing us apart yet, but I can see it headed there soon since daughters (and their spouses) seem to "care the most", sons (and their wives) are less involved and one sibling is out of town. This is all so new to me, I'm so thankful for threads like this to educate me, give ideas, and let me know what we're in for. I have nothing to offer, but prayers for you OP and other posters.

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

NP - I'm caught in the position that we can't depend on SS/Medicaid because dad doesn't want to lose his house because Mom's health is better than his and suspects will outlive him by many years. They have a couple cars (worth very little, but still more than 1 car). He has less than $75K left in his retirement plan (could be significantly less, I can't remember). So, they can't afford care, they don't want to lose the little they have, so our family is helping as much as possible. We're not at the point it's tearing us apart yet, but I can see it headed there soon since daughters (and their spouses) seem to "care the most", sons (and their wives) are less involved and one sibling is out of town. This is all so new to me, I'm so thankful for threads like this to educate me, give ideas, and let me know what we're in for. I have nothing to offer, but prayers for you OP and other posters.

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

I’m a SAHM who had planned to return to work when my kids were older, but I was blindsided by eldercare responsibilities. I never realized how time-consuming it would be. There’s no way an employer would allow time off to do all of the things I have to do. I know it won’t last forever and I’ll be glad that I made the sacrifice, but I’m furious that my brother does absolutely nothing. He lives a few hours away but rarely calls or visits. Grrrrr!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

NP - I'm caught in the position that we can't depend on SS/Medicaid because dad doesn't want to lose his house because Mom's health is better than his and suspects will outlive him by many years. They have a couple cars (worth very little, but still more than 1 car). He has less than $75K left in his retirement plan (could be significantly less, I can't remember). So, they can't afford care, they don't want to lose the little they have, so our family is helping as much as possible. We're not at the point it's tearing us apart yet, but I can see it headed there soon since daughters (and their spouses) seem to "care the most", sons (and their wives) are less involved and one sibling is out of town. This is all so new to me, I'm so thankful for threads like this to educate me, give ideas, and let me know what we're in for. I have nothing to offer, but prayers for you OP and other posters.

PP here.
Medicaid can kick in for one spouse and not the other, and they are not going to kick one out of the house (why would they want 2 on Medicaid when they could only pay for one, ie) and there are all sorts of rules regarding assets and splitting with one healthy spouse.
I would start looking into that now (as I recommend for everyone) so you are armed with correct information when the time inevitably comes.

That’s why I pop into these threads to mention this, education and information is crucial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

Medicare doesn't pay for nursing home. They pay for a rehab stay and that can transition to a nursing stay but this isn't accurate. Depending on the state, you get a bed, you apply for medicaid and hope you are approved. Most nursing homes will not take new medicaid as its risky for them as they take you without it being approved. In MD, its about $78 dollars a month, however, if there is a spouse, they allow that spouse to keep their home, some income and cars but they will go after the estate to recoup any left over money when both pass. Every state has different rules and some states (not MD) pay for some in home care. MD medicaid will pay for minimal home care if Dad goes into a nursing home for over 30 days and then returns home but its a few hours a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

NP - I'm caught in the position that we can't depend on SS/Medicaid because dad doesn't want to lose his house because Mom's health is better than his and suspects will outlive him by many years. They have a couple cars (worth very little, but still more than 1 car). He has less than $75K left in his retirement plan (could be significantly less, I can't remember). So, they can't afford care, they don't want to lose the little they have, so our family is helping as much as possible. We're not at the point it's tearing us apart yet, but I can see it headed there soon since daughters (and their spouses) seem to "care the most", sons (and their wives) are less involved and one sibling is out of town. This is all so new to me, I'm so thankful for threads like this to educate me, give ideas, and let me know what we're in for. I have nothing to offer, but prayers for you OP and other posters.

PP here.
Medicaid can kick in for one spouse and not the other, and they are not going to kick one out of the house (why would they want 2 on Medicaid when they could only pay for one, ie) and there are all sorts of rules regarding assets and splitting with one healthy spouse.
I would start looking into that now (as I recommend for everyone) so you are armed with correct information when the time inevitably comes.

That’s why I pop into these threads to mention this, education and information is crucial.

+1, this isn't being told accurately and spouse can keep a certain amount of money, house and car as well as some of the social security money. They will come after the estate after death of both spouses. Every state has different rules.

[Anonymous]

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

I am a son. I am taking care of my elderly mom. My sisters do nothing, because they live in California and Britain. But thanks for your generous assumptions about male behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

NP - I'm caught in the position that we can't depend on SS/Medicaid because dad doesn't want to lose his house because Mom's health is better than his and suspects will outlive him by many years. They have a couple cars (worth very little, but still more than 1 car). He has less than $75K left in his retirement plan (could be significantly less, I can't remember). So, they can't afford care, they don't want to lose the little they have, so our family is helping as much as possible. We're not at the point it's tearing us apart yet, but I can see it headed there soon since daughters (and their spouses) seem to "care the most", sons (and their wives) are less involved and one sibling is out of town. This is all so new to me, I'm so thankful for threads like this to educate me, give ideas, and let me know what we're in for. I have nothing to offer, but prayers for you OP and other posters.

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

What is your point? Its really unhelpful. I took care of my MIL because my husband had a better income and it made sense for me to stay home. Sons can stay home. Sons can take care of their parents. You are not contributing anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

I am a son. I am taking care of my elderly mom. My sisters do nothing, because they live in California and Britain. But thanks for your generous assumptions about male behavior.

It’s wonderful that you’re taking care of your Mom and you should be praised for it, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re rare. For every man that does it, there are many women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

I am a son. I am taking care of my elderly mom. My sisters do nothing, because they live in California and Britain. But thanks for your generous assumptions about male behavior.

Bless you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

I am a son. I am taking care of my elderly mom. My sisters do nothing, because they live in California and Britain. But thanks for your generous assumptions about male behavior.

It’s wonderful that you’re taking care of your Mom and you should be praised for it, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re rare. For every man that does it, there are many women.

DIL here, watching as my DH takes on a huge burden for his Mom. Siblings are far away and one is emotionally helpful, but the legwork and financial backstop is all falling on him/us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

NP - I'm caught in the position that we can't depend on SS/Medicaid because dad doesn't want to lose his house because Mom's health is better than his and suspects will outlive him by many years. They have a couple cars (worth very little, but still more than 1 car). He has less than $75K left in his retirement plan (could be significantly less, I can't remember). So, they can't afford care, they don't want to lose the little they have, so our family is helping as much as possible. We're not at the point it's tearing us apart yet, but I can see it headed there soon since daughters (and their spouses) seem to "care the most", sons (and their wives) are less involved and one sibling is out of town. This is all so new to me, I'm so thankful for threads like this to educate me, give ideas, and let me know what we're in for. I have nothing to offer, but prayers for you OP and other posters.

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

What is your point? Its really unhelpful. I took care of my MIL because my husband had a better income and it made sense for me to stay home. Sons can stay home. Sons can take care of their parents. You are not contributing anything.

Sons can stay home and sons can take care of their parents, true. But in most cases, they don’t - the women do. Why is that? If society has changed so that women are now expected to work outside the home, why can’t it change to expect men to share in the duty of taking care of elderly parents the way their wives and sisters do? The burden falls disproportionately on women. Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

NP - I'm caught in the position that we can't depend on SS/Medicaid because dad doesn't want to lose his house because Mom's health is better than his and suspects will outlive him by many years. They have a couple cars (worth very little, but still more than 1 car). He has less than $75K left in his retirement plan (could be significantly less, I can't remember). So, they can't afford care, they don't want to lose the little they have, so our family is helping as much as possible. We're not at the point it's tearing us apart yet, but I can see it headed there soon since daughters (and their spouses) seem to "care the most", sons (and their wives) are less involved and one sibling is out of town. This is all so new to me, I'm so thankful for threads like this to educate me, give ideas, and let me know what we're in for. I have nothing to offer, but prayers for you OP and other posters.

PP here.
Medicaid can kick in for one spouse and not the other, and they are not going to kick one out of the house (why would they want 2 on Medicaid when they could only pay for one, ie) and there are all sorts of rules regarding assets and splitting with one healthy spouse.
I would start looking into that now (as I recommend for everyone) so you are armed with correct information when the time inevitably comes.

That’s why I pop into these threads to mention this, education and information is crucial.

This is good to know. I was told that house would have to be sold to pay, leaving healthy spouse with nowhere to live.

[Anonymous]

Only child here doing elder care for 1 parent. I wish we could be as kind to sick/ aging humans as we are to dogs. Some need to be put down but dont qualify for the very narrow right to die criteria (6 months to live and of sound mind). Alzheimer’s, dementia, and other physically slower deteriorating diseases are very common and it’s purely the greed of aging care industries that these people be kept alive and spoon fed at all costs so they can continue paying $9-15k a month for care. Sorry for the rant I’m just so over it and it’s more cruel when you know your family member in their “right mind” was the person who always said “I don’t want to end up like that/ please just kill me if I’m ever like that, etc”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

I am a son. I am taking care of my elderly mom. My sisters do nothing, because they live in California and Britain. But thanks for your generous assumptions about male behavior.

It’s wonderful that you’re taking care of your Mom and you should be praised for it, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re rare. For every man that does it, there are many women.

He isn't rare. My husband did a lot for his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

NP - I'm caught in the position that we can't depend on SS/Medicaid because dad doesn't want to lose his house because Mom's health is better than his and suspects will outlive him by many years. They have a couple cars (worth very little, but still more than 1 car). He has less than $75K left in his retirement plan (could be significantly less, I can't remember). So, they can't afford care, they don't want to lose the little they have, so our family is helping as much as possible. We're not at the point it's tearing us apart yet, but I can see it headed there soon since daughters (and their spouses) seem to "care the most", sons (and their wives) are less involved and one sibling is out of town. This is all so new to me, I'm so thankful for threads like this to educate me, give ideas, and let me know what we're in for. I have nothing to offer, but prayers for you OP and other posters.

PP here.
Medicaid can kick in for one spouse and not the other, and they are not going to kick one out of the house (why would they want 2 on Medicaid when they could only pay for one, ie) and there are all sorts of rules regarding assets and splitting with one healthy spouse.
I would start looking into that now (as I recommend for everyone) so you are armed with correct information when the time inevitably comes.

That’s why I pop into these threads to mention this, education and information is crucial.

This is good to know. I was told that house would have to be sold to pay, leaving healthy spouse with nowhere to live.

You can keep a house to a certain value. Every state has different rules. If you are in a million dollar house you probably have to downsize and use that money but if you are in a modest house, you keep the house until you die and then the estate has to take the money from the sale of the house and pay back medicaid.