Eldercare is tearing my family apart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are in their late 60's and aren't in this position yet. But, I'm an only child so I keep this ideas on the back burner. My mom is single so I'll have responsibility for her.

My DH has a great mom. He and his brother will be completely useless when it comes to caring for her. He might help to make some decisions or look over some financing but in no way will he do the heavy lifting. He has sisters for that. It infuriates me that he won't do basically anything but I won't be able to take that on myself as I'm an only child and have my own parents to help. Also, that would tear our marriage apart if I'm the one doing the heavy lifting for his mom while he sits on his ass, which is exactly what would happen.

You married an awful man. How do you stay married to that? What a turn off. I would lose all respect for him.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:How elder-later-life goes down is as varied as how parents have prepared for it, and what their personalities are.

I am in the midsts of a lot of siblings and their spouses with a lot of aging parents. One set refused to parent beyond, Be home by dinner, don't get arrested, and as soon as you're 18 you're not my responsibility, who also refused to help their own parents at end of life, are now demanding their children pay to care for them in a high manner since they have blown through their own money. And they haven't even gotten to the super expensive part. I don't mean to sound bitter, but I am stressed since I still have my own retirement and end of life care to secure. The money I had hoped to save is going toward their care. I shudder to think what will happen when one needs assisted living and the other needs 24-7 nursing care (which is where they are headed). So it's not just the 15K/month for nursing, but another 6K for assisted living for the other. And instead of 4 kids with 1 set of parents to deal with, and share responsibility and cost, it's actually 8 kids with 5 sets of parents all needing help and all aging at the same time.

Sorry, I guess that was my own stress vent!

Honestly, I think we may all need therapy to cope with the guilt, but I flat out couldn't afford to give my parents thousands of dollars a month for elder care. And while some folks might feel guilty about it, I would never de-fund my own retirement to pay for someone else's.

My parents chose to give money to charity and buy time shares instead of funding my college tuition. Before that they were pretty hands off and expected me to provide for my own needs before I was even old enough to work. I remember spending my teen years working like a dog to pay for basics like socks/underwear/books/food/tampons and any other necessities.

While I would have a hard time being as callous towards them, there is no way in hell I am devoting my life to caring for them in old age. I will simply not invest my time or money that way.

They showed me who they are and I believe them.

Can you contribute something useful? I took care of my MIL and will not my parents as they signed POA to a sibling who will not help and left everything to them in the will... not a big deal to me. All their problem. But, this is not relevant to the topic. You aren't going to do elderly care, haven't done elderly care so why comment about it.

I'm not the PP you quoted, but wow, you are rude!

A lot of adult children feel guilted into taking extreme measures and giving up their own life to care for parents who honestly do not deserve the consideration.

No, I'm not rude. The topic is about those providing care. This person is not willing to provide care so no need for the comments. If you don't want to care for your parents, don't. I don't plan to. I do for other relatives but I have no issue saying no given our family situation. I would never ever said no to the other relatives.

Different poster who agrees you are rude. That poster IS contributing.It is important to hear from those who stepped back and are willing to have boundaries and not blow through their own savings or do themselves in catering to elderly parents. It is good to hear that it is OK to to not allow guilt to overtake you and it is OK to have strong boundaries especially with parents who had their own.

[Anonymous]

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I was hoping that by seeing how much they’ve uprooted my life and made me miserable, they’d concede to outside help

You CAN NOT be afraid of Mommy and Daddy not liking you. You have power over your own life.

Seriously, this is absurd. Middle-aged adults are letting their parents run their lives.

It's not absurd. These are difficult conversations and some of us are wracked with guilt at the thought of our parents moving to facilities or institutions where we don't know how the care will be. Sometimes these responsibilities also sneak up on you a bit; you start out by handling a few things and the list keeps growing. OR, in many cases, a parent has a fall or illness and you care for them during that time and, guess what? They don't get better or they never get back to the level they were before the event. All of a sudden you realize that you are still doing everything and the parent has gotten comfortable with the care they're getting. It's not simple or easy.

I’m OP. This perfectly describes my situation. It started with manageable help like a ride to the doctor or the grocery store and then quickly became a 2-3 nights a week obligation of care. Over the last couple years, it has morphed into a full time second job located an hour away from my paying job and family. Once DH was diagnosed, I thought my siblings would help me get our dad into a place. Instead they say how amazing it is that he can have his independence thanks to me. He doesn’t have independence. He has someone who helps him avoid diaper rash and scurvy.

OP I so relate. When i did little things to help I also got tons of appreciation. Slowly the expectations grew and the appreciation dwindled off. Then it turned to entitlement. Suddenly I was selfish for not doing more. Siblings went from grateful to guilt tripping and manipulating when they were doing close to nothing. No good deed goes unpunished sometimes.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Age in place is hugely taxing on the adult children even when the patient has enough money to hire full time aides. The administration of that alone is a lot, plus filling in when caregivers are absent, etc. Some caregivers won’t do meal prep, some won’t do bathing, etc etc etc. Endless Dr appointments and errands and constantly adjusting to the latest decline. It’s brutal even when the finances are good.

What do you think a nursing home is like? They get bathed twice a week, barely looked after and the main activity is staring at the wall or tv. Especially on medicaid. I would much rather have kept my MIL at home. We still have to visit a few times a week, bring in food, shop....doctors....dentists....

Not at all. They vary. Aging in place was a living hell for us. The one who did continued care had a wonderful time in assisted living and memory care-regular social activities, peppy staff, tranquil gardens, social meals. The main activity of aging in place was watching TV. Once at a facility the favorite activity was sing-a-longs and meals with others. Much, much better for the wellbeing of both the elderly parent and the adult children. There is a reason why everyone in my extended family when went to a facility lived far longer than the stubborn and rigid age-on placers. Interesting to note....the adult children of age in placers had far more serious health issues by the time to age in placers passed away than the adult children of those who went to a facility.

You really have no clue. Your family may have been private pay but my MIL had a long slow miserable stay at a nursing home and it was horrific for all o fus. You keep ranting about stuff you have no concept about. Enough already. The social activities were tv or staring at the wall. They never went outside, staff screamed at patients and each other and the food was terrible and they didn't respect patient wishes on food either.

Your MIL was not in a good facility or it's possible that she, herself, refused to engage in the activities/entertainment offered. If they refuse to leave their room to dine in the dining room or they refuse to come out to play games, watch a performance or go on the outings provided by the facility, their experience is going to be very limited to watching t.v. My own mom is a social bee so she gets involved and even does volunteer work.

My dad was in a locked Alzheimer's unit and at that stage they did not have entertainment/games, etc because the people in that unit were too sick and "out of it" to safely participate in activities.

[Anonymous]

an elderly parent usually starts to develop (or devolve) to the personality of a toddler. Self-centered, self-absorbed, impatient, jealous, manipulative. . .But it is worse because they think of you as the child who needs to be parented by them.

Not saying you have to like it, but looking at with that mindset has helped me. You do have to set boundaries. Give them the number of a taxi service, look up transportation/services their county or city offers for elderly or disabled. Tell them specific dates or times you can help them.

My mother started calling me in a hysterical voice asking what I was doing and (I'm assuming if she didn't see it as important enough) say she had an emergency and I had to come over immediately. Wouldn't answer questions or say anything more before hanging up, wouldn't answer return phone calls.

If I am in town, usually no more than 30min away. First couple of times I went right over expecting a heart attack or broken hip. It wasn't a dire medical situation, she could have waited until I was off of work or had actually finished getting my hair colored. Third time she tried it, I called back and left a voicemail claiming I was calling 911 since she said it was an emergency and needed immediate help. She called me right back and told me never mind it wasn't so important. No more "emergency" calls from her.

The best trick for me, I never answer the phone when she calls. I always let it go to voicemail and depending on her tone wait at least 20 minutes before calling back. I also told her she had to leave a message, no more "oh, you have to call me back right away" messages.

[Anonymous]

The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. They stay at home because that is what feels familiar and safe to them. The idea of moving into a strange "old folks home" is scary and foreign to them - it also involves giving into the idea that things are, in fact, changing for them. So they dig in their heels and are at once dependent on the person/people who help them to stay in their homes while also feeling resentful/guilty/shamed by needing their caregivers. They come off as combative/rude/entitled because they are desperate to stay in their familiar environment.

That doesn't mean that the home in environment is appropriate for them. It doesn't mean that the caregivers aren't put under incredible stress/strain to the detriment of their own health/sanity.

You have to try to step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. For instance, is it reasonable for your parents to expect you to leave your own family/home/work/life to camp out on their couch every night in order to make it possible for them to "live independently" in their own home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. . . .

If you are referring to my post directly before, I never said the elderly person WAS a toddler. I said they can develop a personality similar to a toodler's. It is more of a challenge because they often also feel they should still be the authoritian as the parent. It does help to put things in situations we are familiar with. Every parent understands a toddler's personality, but adult children new to dealing with changes in their parent's personality dont have a reference for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve already had rifts between one sibling and the rest. I predict a rift between “the kids” and at least one adult grandchild.

Just imploring those of you still sound of kind and body to make considerate and effective plans for your future. It is cruel for you to insist on aging at home if you can’t afford hired help. I know you think that your children will joyfully care for you, but you can’t predict what life will throw their way. I have reached the point where I can care for myself, my ill spouse, and my minor child OR I can make my dad’s dream of living on his own come true. He is a drowning man pulling me under. It looks horrible for me to step back, but I never agreed to do this. It was foisted on me mid-crisis and I am being honest that I’m in crisis now. Please, please do not do this to your children and grandchildren. I’m sure a bunch of the usual posters will chime in that they wish their mom or dad was still alive so they could do 40 hours of eldercare a week while also working full time, trying to help a spouse through cancer treatments, and raise a child. Fine. Can you take my place?

I'm sorry you are struggling and hope that a solution that works is found. Can you talk to a counselor or social worker or someone who can help you sort through all your options?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. . . .

If you are referring to my post directly before, I never said the elderly person WAS a toddler. I said they can develop a personality similar to a toodler's. It is more of a challenge because they often also feel they should still be the authoritian as the parent. It does help to put things in situations we are familiar with. Every parent understands a toddler's personality, but adult children new to dealing with changes in their parent's personality dont have a reference for it.

I understand. But comparing elderly people to toddlers isn't fair. Toddlers behave the way they behave because they are still in the process of learning self control, how to communicate using their voice and how to be socially polite.

Old people become difficult because, after a lifetime of working hard, building a life for themselves, raising a family, living independently they slowly start to lose their independence...maybe they start off by needing help with the yard and housework, then they need help with cooking, errands, laundry, etc. Next thing you know they are fall risks who need help with self care. They become dependent on others to help them while, at the same time, resenting the fact that they need so much help. They lash out at the person closest to the situation - the caregiver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve already had rifts between one sibling and the rest. I predict a rift between “the kids” and at least one adult grandchild.

Just imploring those of you still sound of kind and body to make considerate and effective plans for your future. It is cruel for you to insist on aging at home if you can’t afford hired help. I know you think that your children will joyfully care for you, but you can’t predict what life will throw their way. I have reached the point where I can care for myself, my ill spouse, and my minor child OR I can make my dad’s dream of living on his own come true. He is a drowning man pulling me under. It looks horrible for me to step back, but I never agreed to do this. It was foisted on me mid-crisis and I am being honest that I’m in crisis now. Please, please do not do this to your children and grandchildren. I’m sure a bunch of the usual posters will chime in that they wish their mom or dad was still alive so they could do 40 hours of eldercare a week while also working full time, trying to help a spouse through cancer treatments, and raise a child. Fine. Can you take my place?

I feel the exact same way. My mom never learned to drive, refused to sell her home and downsize, refuses to get grocery delivery, drove away the help we hired to get her to doctor's appointments, and still insists that she is independent while expecting us to take care of everything. I have a 5 year old and haven't spoken to her in a month since her last outburst. I don't have answers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age in place is hugely taxing on the adult children even when the patient has enough money to hire full time aides. The administration of that alone is a lot, plus filling in when caregivers are absent, etc. Some caregivers won’t do meal prep, some won’t do bathing, etc etc etc. Endless Dr appointments and errands and constantly adjusting to the latest decline. It’s brutal even when the finances are good.

What do you think a nursing home is like? They get bathed twice a week, barely looked after and the main activity is staring at the wall or tv. Especially on medicaid. I would much rather have kept my MIL at home. We still have to visit a few times a week, bring in food, shop....doctors....dentists....

Not at all. They vary. Aging in place was a living hell for us. The one who did continued care had a wonderful time in assisted living and memory care-regular social activities, peppy staff, tranquil gardens, social meals. The main activity of aging in place was watching TV. Once at a facility the favorite activity was sing-a-longs and meals with others. Much, much better for the wellbeing of both the elderly parent and the adult children. There is a reason why everyone in my extended family when went to a facility lived far longer than the stubborn and rigid age-on placers. Interesting to note....the adult children of age in placers had far more serious health issues by the time to age in placers passed away than the adult children of those who went to a facility.

You really have no clue. Your family may have been private pay but my MIL had a long slow miserable stay at a nursing home and it was horrific for all o fus. You keep ranting about stuff you have no concept about. Enough already. The social activities were tv or staring at the wall. They never went outside, staff screamed at patients and each other and the food was terrible and they didn't respect patient wishes on food either.

Your MIL was not in a good facility or it's possible that she, herself, refused to engage in the activities/entertainment offered. If they refuse to leave their room to dine in the dining room or they refuse to come out to play games, watch a performance or go on the outings provided by the facility, their experience is going to be very limited to watching t.v. My own mom is a social bee so she gets involved and even does volunteer work.

My dad was in a locked Alzheimer's unit and at that stage they did not have entertainment/games, etc because the people in that unit were too sick and "out of it" to safely participate in activities.

You don’t get that the Medicaid facilities with dementia do very little. Your mom could do it but most when they go in need things done for them. Very very little was offered. They only took out a select few residents for pictures for the newsletter. This is more typical than not. Your mom was also more higher functioning. They still should provide activities. Even at your dads stage it is required.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve already had rifts between one sibling and the rest. I predict a rift between “the kids” and at least one adult grandchild.

Just imploring those of you still sound of kind and body to make considerate and effective plans for your future. It is cruel for you to insist on aging at home if you can’t afford hired help. I know you think that your children will joyfully care for you, but you can’t predict what life will throw their way. I have reached the point where I can care for myself, my ill spouse, and my minor child OR I can make my dad’s dream of living on his own come true. He is a drowning man pulling me under. It looks horrible for me to step back, but I never agreed to do this. It was foisted on me mid-crisis and I am being honest that I’m in crisis now. Please, please do not do this to your children and grandchildren. I’m sure a bunch of the usual posters will chime in that they wish their mom or dad was still alive so they could do 40 hours of eldercare a week while also working full time, trying to help a spouse through cancer treatments, and raise a child. Fine. Can you take my place?

I feel the exact same way. My mom never learned to drive, refused to sell her home and downsize, refuses to get grocery delivery, drove away the help we hired to get her to doctor's appointments, and still insists that she is independent while expecting us to take care of everything. I have a 5 year old and haven't spoken to her in a month since her last outburst. I don't have answers.

If it’s dementia the outbursts may not be her fault. Early and mid stages my mil made no sense in what she did and lots of outbursts. We learned to not take the personally but it was hard. It’s best to keep her home. If that’s how she always is arrange for help and back off. There is not good answers and this stuff tears families apart. We did not ask and would just send groceries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. . . .

If you are referring to my post directly before, I never said the elderly person WAS a toddler. I said they can develop a personality similar to a toodler's. It is more of a challenge because they often also feel they should still be the authoritian as the parent. It does help to put things in situations we are familiar with. Every parent understands a toddler's personality, but adult children new to dealing with changes in their parent's personality dont have a reference for it.

I understand. But comparing elderly people to toddlers isn't fair. Toddlers behave the way they behave because they are still in the process of learning self control, how to communicate using their voice and how to be socially polite.

Old people become difficult because, after a lifetime of working hard, building a life for themselves, raising a family, living independently they slowly start to lose their independence...maybe they start off by needing help with the yard and housework, then they need help with cooking, errands, laundry, etc. Next thing you know they are fall risks who need help with self care. They become dependent on others to help them while, at the same time, resenting the fact that they need so much help. They lash out at the person closest to the situation - the caregiver.

This. Toddlers are much much easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The elderly person is NOT a toddler. They are an old person in the process of losing their independence because their minds and bodies are getting old and not working the way that they used to. . . .

If you are referring to my post directly before, I never said the elderly person WAS a toddler. I said they can develop a personality similar to a toodler's. It is more of a challenge because they often also feel they should still be the authoritian as the parent. It does help to put things in situations we are familiar with. Every parent understands a toddler's personality, but adult children new to dealing with changes in their parent's personality dont have a reference for it.

Nothing like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was hoping that by seeing how much they’ve uprooted my life and made me miserable, they’d concede to outside help

You CAN NOT be afraid of Mommy and Daddy not liking you. You have power over your own life.

Seriously, this is absurd. Middle-aged adults are letting their parents run their lives.

It's not absurd. These are difficult conversations and some of us are wracked with guilt at the thought of our parents moving to facilities or institutions where we don't know how the care will be. Sometimes these responsibilities also sneak up on you a bit; you start out by handling a few things and the list keeps growing. OR, in many cases, a parent has a fall or illness and you care for them during that time and, guess what? They don't get better or they never get back to the level they were before the event. All of a sudden you realize that you are still doing everything and the parent has gotten comfortable with the care they're getting. It's not simple or easy.

The PP is waiting outside her parents' room, hoping they'll recognize she's miserable. If they don't, she'll . . . what, continue to make her life subservient to theirs? It is absurd. People make decisions for themselves, not other grown adults. If parents want to age in place, that's their choice, but they do *not* get to dictate the level of help they get from their kids. Well, I guess they do, if they have raised kids who are too scared or otherwise cowed by them to stand up to them.

I sincerely hope my kids have more self-respect and backbone than this.

I have a feeling putting you in a home won't make your kids guilty at all.

So, making it a point *not* to impose on my kids will make them resent me?

I have a feeling logic isn't your first language.

This is about elderly care not about you.