GF went out on ..not sure what to call it...with a random guy..advice sought

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something doesn't add up. She was intrigued by the offer, which is why she accepted and brought the friend to justify actually following through with it. If she were not interested she would have shut the door instantly.

OP

I agree and asked her about this.

Here is her answer--obvi paraphrasing.

"In my marriage I ended up with no friends of my own. We had lots of friends as a couple but I didn't really have my own. In divorcing, I am determined to have a cadre of my own friends, men and women. When this guy called, I figured he is in my circle. I see him at games and such. He could be a friend."

This is both why she said she wanted to go; And, why she said she didn't invite me to go with.

I offer that without comment, not that I don't have feelings around it.

By the way, I'm all for her having a circle of friends that she sees, talks to and so on--men and women. I wouldn't want to take that away from her. I think it is good for her and us. I want her to be happy.

That said, what I asked here remains my concern: was this "date-not-date" really a friend thing? Should I be concerned about it?

I'm good with her doing friend things with guys who aren't trying to f*^k her, but if the guy wants that, it doesn't seem like a fiend thing to me--and not something I can go along with.

You should do her a favor and break up. Every update you look like a worse boyfriend. She's being incredibly honest and transparent with you and you are determined to believe she is a liar and a sneak. She deserves better.

If you think "she's allowed to have male friends, but not male friends that are attracted to her" is a reasonable rule or one that you have the right to enunciate or enforce for your "gregarious, fun, vibrant" girlfriend, you are an idiot. Men will be attracted to her for the same reasons you are. The question is whether you trust her, and despite her almost pathological honesty with you, it's clear you do not.[/quote]

+100

As a woman who was also asked out a lot and had male and female friends and some male friends who were attracted me to and said so and I found ways to keep the friendship while they knew dating was never an option but their dignity was intact:

1. My boyfriend in my twenties hated when people were attracted to me, blamed me, was an asshole to them, punched one in a bar. And he didn't really love me. He was just an egomaniac and wanted me to be his property. Broke up.

2. My husband, of 12 years and going, is extremely cool and actually flattered when men are attracted to me. I tell him about everything and we are delighted about it together. I hang out with whoever I want to but Im not a cheating type and so have never cheated.

If you want to be with someone who is attractive and open and gregarious, this is part of the territory. People will be attracted to her. She has strategies for dealing with it. You need to have some internal strategies so you are not always feeling insecure. And decide whether or not you trust her and trust your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If you think "she's allowed to have male friends, but not male friends that are attracted to her" is a reasonable rule or one that you have the right to enunciate or enforce for your "gregarious, fun, vibrant" girlfriend, you are an idiot. Men will be attracted to her for the same reasons you are. The question is whether you trust her, and despite her almost pathological honesty with you, it's clear you do not.

OP

Actually there you have it wrong. What I am trying to figure out is not whether this"rule" which isn't a rule is reasonable.

What I am trying to figure out is:

A. Was the guy actually asking her out on a date or asking her to go talk as friends? That is a big difference. Bringing a friend was a smart move--agreed-but it also shows that she herself was concerned and knew on some level he wasn't really asking her to go talk about dating.

B. Assuming this was a date, should I be concerned that she went out with a guy who she knew was asking her on a date?

C. This isn't about controlling her behavior. At the end of the day it is about what I want in a relationship. Do I want to go out with a woman who I am in an exclusive relationship with, planning a future with, who goes on a sort-of-date with a guy who it seems she knows doesn't want to be friends but wants a lot more?

So for all your attacks on me, please answer this: If you were in a committed, long-term relationship, would you be OK with your partner gong out with a woman/man, when your partner knows full well the woman/man doesn't want to be friends but wants a lot more? SO much so that he/zhe had to take a host of steps to prevent the date from getting the wrong (actual) message of agreeing to go in the first place?





You don't seem to get it. You want a bunch of strangers who NEVER met this guy, or you, or your GF to tell you if he was hitting on your GF and likes her.
Hell, she may not even know and she met the guy.
Are you going to run here everytime you see a guy check her out or she talks to someone you don't know?
My gosh man. You sound paranoid and controlling.
If you truly trusted her (and nothing you have said here has shown you should not), then let this go.
Better yet, let HER go.
She deserves better than trying to twist every interaction into a pretzel just to make you happy.
If you keep making this a huge deal she will start hiding things from you because it just isn't worth the fight and accusations.
Even things like seeing a guy and talking to him at a kids ball game. She will keep that to herself adn then you have much much bigger problems.
Not that she is cheating but that you are slowly killing the fun, honest, vibrant woman she is.
That is no fair to her, so either let this go or move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If you think "she's allowed to have male friends, but not male friends that are attracted to her" is a reasonable rule or one that you have the right to enunciate or enforce for your "gregarious, fun, vibrant" girlfriend, you are an idiot. Men will be attracted to her for the same reasons you are. The question is whether you trust her, and despite her almost pathological honesty with you, it's clear you do not.

OP

Actually there you have it wrong. What I am trying to figure out is not whether this"rule" which isn't a rule is reasonable.

What I am trying to figure out is:

A. Was the guy actually asking her out on a date or asking her to go talk as friends? That is a big difference. Bringing a friend was a smart move--agreed-but it also shows that she herself was concerned and knew on some level he wasn't really asking her to go talk about dating. He was testing the waters and framing it in a way where it could be a date or not a date. She solidified it as "not a date" with the friend and talking about you. Remember, it's not like she gave this guy her number. He got it off the team list and reached out to her unprompted. The way she handled it keeps him from being rejected/upset and allows her to see if he could possibly be a friend. She's going to see him in the future because their kids are on a team together.

B. Assuming this was a date, should I be concerned that she went out with a guy who she knew was asking her on a date? It wasn't a date, because she made sure of that. That you continue to be concerned is a sign of your mistrust, not anything she did wrong.

C. This isn't about controlling her behavior. At the end of the day it is about what I want in a relationship. Do I want to go out with a woman who I am in an exclusive relationship with, planning a future with, who goes on a sort-of-date with a guy who it seems she knows doesn't want to be friends but wants a lot more? Sure sounds like you don't, but you're still framing her actions in the worst possible light. That's why you shouldn't be in a relationship with her.

So for all your attacks on me, please answer this: If you were in a committed, long-term relationship, would you be OK with your partner gong out with a woman/man, when your partner knows full well the woman/man doesn't want to be friends but wants a lot more? SO much so that he/zhe had to take a host of steps to prevent the date from getting the wrong (actual) message of agreeing to go in the first place? I am a woman in a relationship with a man so this scenario would likely not happen to me for a number of reasons. But to create a roughly analogous situation: if my husband was put in this position by someone at his job who could potentially make his life difficult if he let her down directly, and he did what your GF did, bringing a coworker to make it about work, mentioning me and our happy relationship, and telling me about it and answering my questions, I would be okay with it. And to the extent I was bothered by it, I would be bothered that someone put him in that position, not how he handled it. But I love and trust my husband and don't hold it against him when other people also notice he's a catch.

I'm legitimately exhausted by you and the misogynists in this thread at this point and hope your GF finds someone new. No more posts from me on this thread.

OP

Your answer is so disingenuous.

If this was a work thing, of course she has to go. She faces that constantly in her male dominated industry. And, I support her in that--all the time.

That is the point, with work, you have no real choice. It sucks that women are put in that position, but it's a fact. So your analogs situation is anything but.

And, there is the rub, in fact. with work you have no choice, not if you want to succeed. Here, she had a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP

I agree with the advice to let it go. That is my plan.

What I am now wondering is:

Was I wrong to be uncomfortable about it?

She was a bit miffed at me for being uncomfortable around it. Is that fair?

Again, thanks everyone.

Could be that she was defensive since it was more than she told you. It would seem to me that if it was purely innocent she would have been flattered at your mild jealously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP

I agree with the advice to let it go. That is my plan.

What I am now wondering is:

Was I wrong to be uncomfortable about it?

She was a bit miffed at me for being uncomfortable around it. Is that fair?

Again, thanks everyone.

If I didn’t know the details, I’d be miffed. Knowing the steps she took, it is unreasonable for you to make it an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If you think "she's allowed to have male friends, but not male friends that are attracted to her" is a reasonable rule or one that you have the right to enunciate or enforce for your "gregarious, fun, vibrant" girlfriend, you are an idiot. Men will be attracted to her for the same reasons you are. The question is whether you trust her, and despite her almost pathological honesty with you, it's clear you do not.

OP

Actually there you have it wrong. What I am trying to figure out is not whether this"rule" which isn't a rule is reasonable.

What I am trying to figure out is:

A. Was the guy actually asking her out on a date or asking her to go talk as friends? That is a big difference. Bringing a friend was a smart move--agreed-but it also shows that she herself was concerned and knew on some level he wasn't really asking her to go talk about dating. He was testing the waters and framing it in a way where it could be a date or not a date. She solidified it as "not a date" with the friend and talking about you. Remember, it's not like she gave this guy her number. He got it off the team list and reached out to her unprompted. The way she handled it keeps him from being rejected/upset and allows her to see if he could possibly be a friend. She's going to see him in the future because their kids are on a team together.

B. Assuming this was a date, should I be concerned that she went out with a guy who she knew was asking her on a date? It wasn't a date, because she made sure of that. That you continue to be concerned is a sign of your mistrust, not anything she did wrong.

C. This isn't about controlling her behavior. At the end of the day it is about what I want in a relationship. Do I want to go out with a woman who I am in an exclusive relationship with, planning a future with, who goes on a sort-of-date with a guy who it seems she knows doesn't want to be friends but wants a lot more? Sure sounds like you don't, but you're still framing her actions in the worst possible light. That's why you shouldn't be in a relationship with her.

So for all your attacks on me, please answer this: If you were in a committed, long-term relationship, would you be OK with your partner gong out with a woman/man, when your partner knows full well the woman/man doesn't want to be friends but wants a lot more? SO much so that he/zhe had to take a host of steps to prevent the date from getting the wrong (actual) message of agreeing to go in the first place? I am a woman in a relationship with a man so this scenario would likely not happen to me for a number of reasons. But to create a roughly analogous situation: if my husband was put in this position by someone at his job who could potentially make his life difficult if he let her down directly, and he did what your GF did, bringing a coworker to make it about work, mentioning me and our happy relationship, and telling me about it and answering my questions, I would be okay with it. And to the extent I was bothered by it, I would be bothered that someone put him in that position, not how he handled it. But I love and trust my husband and don't hold it against him when other people also notice he's a catch.

I'm legitimately exhausted by you and the misogynists in this thread at this point and hope your GF finds someone new. No more posts from me on this thread.

OP

Your answer is so disingenuous.

If this was a work thing, of course she has to go. She faces that constantly in her male dominated industry. And, I support her in that--all the time.

That is the point, with work, you have no real choice. It sucks that women are put in that position, but it's a fact. So your analogs situation is anything but.

And, there is the rub, in fact. with work you have no choice, not if you want to succeed. Here, she had a choice.

Work is the only way to make it analogous for a man, as I clearly stated. Only in a work setting would a woman have the kind of power/influence over him that men have over women in most interactions. But you don't want to hear any answer other than "she's a whore who's swinging to the next branch already." Break up with your girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP

I agree with the advice to let it go. That is my plan.

What I am now wondering is:

Was I wrong to be uncomfortable about it?

She was a bit miffed at me for being uncomfortable around it. Is that fair?

Again, thanks everyone.

Could be that she was defensive since it was more than she told you. It would seem to me that if it was purely innocent she would have been flattered at your mild jealously.

Not all women find jealousy flattering. Why be jealous unless you do not trust her to be faithful? And for many women, a man’s suspicion of unfaithfulness has led to controlling, abusive behaviors.

Frankly, the fact you picture her work travel as “in a sea of men away from their wives” rather than “she’s with her coworkers” is concerning.

[Anonymous]

As a woman who was also asked out a lot and had male and female friends and some male friends who were attracted me to and said so and I found ways to keep the friendship while they knew dating was never an option but their dignity was intact:

1. My boyfriend in my twenties hated when people were attracted to me, blamed me, was an asshole to them, punched one in a bar. And he didn't really love me. He was just an egomaniac and wanted me to be his property. Broke up.

2. My husband, of 12 years and going, is extremely cool and actually flattered when men are attracted to me. I tell him about everything and we are delighted about it together. I hang out with whoever I want to but Im not a cheating type and so have never cheated.

If you want to be with someone who is attractive and open and gregarious, this is part of the territory. People will be attracted to her. She has strategies for dealing with it. You need to have some internal strategies so you are not always feeling insecure. And decide whether or not you trust her and trust your relationship.

do you have the fortitude to be in a relationship with a desirable woman?

If i were her right now, i would be extremely wary of continuing with you -- this is a person who knows what it is lke to be in a controlling relationship and knows how to get out of that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP

I agree with the advice to let it go. That is my plan.

What I am now wondering is:

Was I wrong to be uncomfortable about it?

She was a bit miffed at me for being uncomfortable around it. Is that fair?

Again, thanks everyone.

Could be that she was defensive since it was more than she told you. It would seem to me that if it was purely innocent she would have been flattered at your mild jealously.

Not all women find jealousy flattering. Why be jealous unless you do not trust her to be faithful? And for many women, a man’s suspicion of unfaithfulness has led to controlling, abusive behaviors.

Frankly, the fact you picture her work travel as “in a sea of men away from their wives” rather than “she’s with her coworkers” is concerning.

+1. jealousy is a bad sign and totally agree that it comes with controlling behavior.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she handled it. She should have said no in the first place, but in trying to be kind, she handled it. I wouldn't be upset about it unless she goes out with him again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something doesn't add up. She was intrigued by the offer, which is why she accepted and brought the friend to justify actually following through with it. If she were not interested she would have shut the door instantly.

OP

I agree and asked her about this.

Here is her answer--obvi paraphrasing.

"In my marriage I ended up with no friends of my own. We had lots of friends as a couple but I didn't really have my own. In divorcing, I am determined to have a cadre of my own friends, men and women. When this guy called, I figured he is in my circle. I see him at games and such. He could be a friend."

This is both why she said she wanted to go; And, why she said she didn't invite me to go with.

I offer that without comment, not that I don't have feelings around it.

By the way, I'm all for her having a circle of friends that she sees, talks to and so on--men and women. I wouldn't want to take that away from her. I think it is good for her and us. I want her to be happy.

That said, what I asked here remains my concern: was this "date-not-date" really a friend thing? Should I be concerned about it?

I'm good with her doing friend things with guys who aren't trying to f*^k her, but if the guy wants that, it doesn't seem like a fiend thing to me--and not something I can go along with.

You should do her a favor and break up. Every update you look like a worse boyfriend. She's being incredibly honest and transparent with you and you are determined to believe she is a liar and a sneak. She deserves better.

If you think "she's allowed to have male friends, but not male friends that are attracted to her" is a reasonable rule or one that you have the right to enunciate or enforce for your "gregarious, fun, vibrant" girlfriend, you are an idiot. Men will be attracted to her for the same reasons you are. The question is whether you trust her, and despite her almost pathological honesty with you, it's clear you do not.[/quote]

+100

As a woman who was also asked out a lot and had male and female friends and some male friends who were attracted me to and said so and I found ways to keep the friendship while they knew dating was never an option but their dignity was intact:

1. My boyfriend in my twenties hated when people were attracted to me, blamed me, was an asshole to them, punched one in a bar. And he didn't really love me. He was just an egomaniac and wanted me to be his property. Broke up.

2. My husband, of 12 years and going, is extremely cool and actually flattered when men are attracted to me. I tell him about everything and we are delighted about it together. I hang out with whoever I want to but Im not a cheating type and so have never cheated.

If you want to be with someone who is attractive and open and gregarious, this is part of the territory. People will be attracted to her. She has strategies for dealing with it. You need to have some internal strategies so you are not always feeling insecure. And decide whether or not you trust her and trust your relationship.

So in your 20's you were asked out on dates and said yes. Your boyfriend had problems with this so you broke up with him.

As a married woman you go on dates with men who ask you out. Your HD is cool with this and likes it when you do. Got it.

That cool but OP does not like his girlfriend going on dates with other men. He has no problems with her going out with friends males or female. So your swinger lifestyle is not for OP.

[Anonymous]

OP either trusts her or not.
Period.
i trust my DH and would honestly not mind the scenerio the GF took part in.
Now, my BF who was shady AF. NOPE.

So, op. Do you trust her? If so LET IT GO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to add - as a people-pleasing female, sometimes to my own detriment, I have to disagree that it would’ve been hard for her to outright reject him without fearing negative consequences or awkwardness. I would’ve just been gracious and kind when I declined: “I understand why you thought to ask me but I haven’t been single in a long time - I’m in a rserious relationship. If you’d like I can try to connect you with one of my single friends who might have some good tips.” So, I’d take his request at face value and offer him an alternative, but no way would I go on a date with him.

Stop trying to make OP a villain. His gut isn’t misleading him.

Except he asked to meet her as a friend and she is actively looking for friends. She doesn't have to say no, she wasn't cheating on OP or trying to. And she went the extra step of bringing a third person and talking up her boyfriend. OP isn't a villain so much as extremely insecure and in the process of torpedoing his relationship over this.

Right. Who said this? She did right? Why do you go on a date with a new friend of the opposite sex? Why would you go on a dinner date? Did she get a babysitter or did op watch her kid for her? Why not do a playdate with the kids and talk? Because it was a date. Time to break up.

[Anonymous]

OP and the GF know that the premise used to ask out OP to which she accepted is a farce. The next question I would have is since all men are pigs why does the GF want to explore a friendship with someone whose first interaction is based on a lie. No man is asking out a woman as a friend to talk about dating. Is this a joke? Men don’t do this. It’s a farce. It’s a way to get his foot in the door and in her pants. Knowing this, why would she want to explore a “friendship” with a pig of a human being? She wouldn’t unless she was equally attracted to him.

[Anonymous]

OK, now flip the roles. If in fact OP is a Woman and the BF went on the "non date", that is ok too right?