GF went out on ..not sure what to call it...with a random guy..advice sought

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to add - as a people-pleasing female, sometimes to my own detriment, I have to disagree that it would’ve been hard for her to outright reject him without fearing negative consequences or awkwardness. I would’ve just been gracious and kind when I declined: “I understand why you thought to ask me but I haven’t been single in a long time - I’m in a rserious relationship. If you’d like I can try to connect you with one of my single friends who might have some good tips.” So, I’d take his request at face value and offer him an alternative, but no way would I go on a date with him.

Stop trying to make OP a villain. His gut isn’t misleading him.

Except he asked to meet her as a friend and she is actively looking for friends. She doesn't have to say no, she wasn't cheating on OP or trying to. And she went the extra step of bringing a third person and talking up her boyfriend. OP isn't a villain so much as extremely insecure and in the process of torpedoing his relationship over this.

Right. Who said this? She did right? Why do you go on a date with a new friend of the opposite sex? Why would you go on a dinner date? Did she get a babysitter or did op watch her kid for her? Why not do a playdate with the kids and talk? Because it was a date. Time to break up.

"You, you got what I need, you say he just a friend ..."

- RIP the Biz

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, now flip the roles. If in fact OP is a Woman and the BF went on the "non date", that is ok too right?

IF the situation was the exact same I would tell the girl to chill.
The GF in this situation wants more friends. Confided in OP that she felt isolated in her last relationship and friendships are important to her.
She took steps to make it a NON DATE even if the guy wanted it to be more. She made it clear it is not. She talked about OP to the guy.

I have many many male friends given my life experiences, work, where I live. If DH was like this every time i talked to one of them or did an activity where men were. I would go bonkers and never stay with him. No one gets to dictate who friends are UNLESS there is history of cheating, lying etc.
GF in this case has no history of any of that is is quite honest. Probably too much given OPs over reaction.
She will likely not share things like this in the future with him.

My DH has female friends. Friends he has met through work, hobbies etc. If he met someone new at the pool who felt DH had valuable advice to give on a topic AND he brought his male BFF. Who the hell cares??

Op is going to push this girl away, but maybe for the best. Sounds like she is quite the catch and can do better.

[Anonymous]

I've gone to dinner with men that are NOT my DH. He knows. He is cool with friends.
Was it a 5 star $200 a plate dinner? NO.
Did i get flowers, did they pick me up, walk me home, etc? Nope.
Because people can have dinner/drinks as friends.

I am going out in a week with a male friend for dinner adn drinks. It is literally NO BIG DEAL.
People who aren't cheaters won't cheat. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people defending the girlfriend's behavior are laughable. Why couldn't the girlfriend just say the following from the very beginning on the phone "look I'm in a relationship so this won't work, but you could join a larger social gathering that's happening at xyz location and I can introduce you to some friends." There is really no excuse for her to go through all of that effort to meet with him. She already has limited time as a divorced mom anyway. Are people really going on "no dates" all the time with people so the guy doesn't get angry? Give me a break. She was either interested or is a flirt who likes the attention. Trust me, people who are really in love with each other or dating seriously don't play these types of games. They simply wouldn't put themselves in a situation that would make the other person uncomfortable. She is just not the one. Be glad you figured this one out now because I'm sure there would have been other boundary testing behaviors in the future.

OMG clearly you are not a woman. This is a situation that happens all the time.

Guy says, hey, I need some advice about xyz, would you be willing to talk to me about it?
Woman: sure, but I'm in a relationship.
Guy: WTF is wrong with you, I'm not asking you out, why do you think you're so hot? Proceeds to badmouth woman all over the office (playground) as being so ridiculously full of herself to assume everyone is asking her out.

so maybe the guy IS asking her out, but if he's not going to be completely honest, he's setting her up where she can't be completely upfront either without being made to look like a fool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people defending the girlfriend's behavior are laughable. Why couldn't the girlfriend just say the following from the very beginning on the phone "look I'm in a relationship so this won't work, but you could join a larger social gathering that's happening at xyz location and I can introduce you to some friends." There is really no excuse for her to go through all of that effort to meet with him. She already has limited time as a divorced mom anyway. Are people really going on "no dates" all the time with people so the guy doesn't get angry? Give me a break. She was either interested or is a flirt who likes the attention. Trust me, people who are really in love with each other or dating seriously don't play these types of games. They simply wouldn't put themselves in a situation that would make the other person uncomfortable. She is just not the one. Be glad you figured this one out now because I'm sure there would have been other boundary testing behaviors in the future.

OMG clearly you are not a woman. This is a situation that happens all the time.

Guy says, hey, I need some advice about xyz, would you be willing to talk to me about it?
Woman: sure, but I'm in a relationship.
Guy: WTF is wrong with you, I'm not asking you out, why do you think you're so hot? Proceeds to badmouth woman all over the office (playground) as being so ridiculously full of herself to assume everyone is asking her out.

so maybe the guy IS asking her out, but if he's not going to be completely honest, he's setting her up where she can't be completely upfront either without being made to look like a fool.

I'm sorry you don't know how to deal with aggressive men. There's no good reason she had to go out with him no matter how you try to spin it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people defending the girlfriend's behavior are laughable. Why couldn't the girlfriend just say the following from the very beginning on the phone "look I'm in a relationship so this won't work, but you could join a larger social gathering that's happening at xyz location and I can introduce you to some friends." There is really no excuse for her to go through all of that effort to meet with him. She already has limited time as a divorced mom anyway. Are people really going on "no dates" all the time with people so the guy doesn't get angry? Give me a break. She was either interested or is a flirt who likes the attention. Trust me, people who are really in love with each other or dating seriously don't play these types of games. They simply wouldn't put themselves in a situation that would make the other person uncomfortable. She is just not the one. Be glad you figured this one out now because I'm sure there would have been other boundary testing behaviors in the future.

OMG clearly you are not a woman. This is a situation that happens all the time.

Guy says, hey, I need some advice about xyz, would you be willing to talk to me about it?
Woman: sure, but I'm in a relationship.
Guy: WTF is wrong with you, I'm not asking you out, why do you think you're so hot? Proceeds to badmouth woman all over the office (playground) as being so ridiculously full of herself to assume everyone is asking her out.

so maybe the guy IS asking her out, but if he's not going to be completely honest, he's setting her up where she can't be completely upfront either without being made to look like a fool.

OMG no

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people defending the girlfriend's behavior are laughable. Why couldn't the girlfriend just say the following from the very beginning on the phone "look I'm in a relationship so this won't work, but you could join a larger social gathering that's happening at xyz location and I can introduce you to some friends." There is really no excuse for her to go through all of that effort to meet with him. She already has limited time as a divorced mom anyway. Are people really going on "no dates" all the time with people so the guy doesn't get angry? Give me a break. She was either interested or is a flirt who likes the attention. Trust me, people who are really in love with each other or dating seriously don't play these types of games. They simply wouldn't put themselves in a situation that would make the other person uncomfortable. She is just not the one. Be glad you figured this one out now because I'm sure there would have been other boundary testing behaviors in the future.

OMG clearly you are not a woman. This is a situation that happens all the time.

Guy says, hey, I need some advice about xyz, would you be willing to talk to me about it?
Woman: sure, but I'm in a relationship.
Guy: WTF is wrong with you, I'm not asking you out, why do you think you're so hot? Proceeds to badmouth woman all over the office (playground) as being so ridiculously full of herself to assume everyone is asking her out.

so maybe the guy IS asking her out, but if he's not going to be completely honest, he's setting her up where she can't be completely upfront either without being made to look like a fool.

+1 Yeah, it seems pretty clear to me (a woman) that they guy was using "seeking advice" as a pretext to ask the woman out. The GF seems to have been aware of this possibility, too--guys do this ALL THE TIME, so most woman know this move--and took very reasonable steps to make clear to him that she is taken and not interested in romance with him. On the off chance that the dude really WAS looking for friends/advice and not a date, the GF's response also left room for that to play out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people defending the girlfriend's behavior are laughable. Why couldn't the girlfriend just say the following from the very beginning on the phone "look I'm in a relationship so this won't work, but you could join a larger social gathering that's happening at xyz location and I can introduce you to some friends." There is really no excuse for her to go through all of that effort to meet with him. She already has limited time as a divorced mom anyway. Are people really going on "no dates" all the time with people so the guy doesn't get angry? Give me a break. She was either interested or is a flirt who likes the attention. Trust me, people who are really in love with each other or dating seriously don't play these types of games. They simply wouldn't put themselves in a situation that would make the other person uncomfortable. She is just not the one. Be glad you figured this one out now because I'm sure there would have been other boundary testing behaviors in the future.

OMG clearly you are not a woman. This is a situation that happens all the time.

Guy says, hey, I need some advice about xyz, would you be willing to talk to me about it?
Woman: sure, but I'm in a relationship.
Guy: WTF is wrong with you, I'm not asking you out, why do you think you're so hot? Proceeds to badmouth woman all over the office (playground) as being so ridiculously full of herself to assume everyone is asking her out.

so maybe the guy IS asking her out, but if he's not going to be completely honest, he's setting her up where she can't be completely upfront either without being made to look like a fool.

I'm sorry you don't know how to deal with aggressive men. There's no good reason she had to go out with him no matter how you try to spin it.

Unless she WANTS a friend. And thinks he could be one.
I am friends with guys who initially wanted to date me, but you know what? We are fine as friends. they have married other women. It is called being an adult and not a sleeze.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people defending the girlfriend's behavior are laughable. Why couldn't the girlfriend just say the following from the very beginning on the phone "look I'm in a relationship so this won't work, but you could join a larger social gathering that's happening at xyz location and I can introduce you to some friends." There is really no excuse for her to go through all of that effort to meet with him. She already has limited time as a divorced mom anyway. Are people really going on "no dates" all the time with people so the guy doesn't get angry? Give me a break. She was either interested or is a flirt who likes the attention. Trust me, people who are really in love with each other or dating seriously don't play these types of games. They simply wouldn't put themselves in a situation that would make the other person uncomfortable. She is just not the one. Be glad you figured this one out now because I'm sure there would have been other boundary testing behaviors in the future.

OMG clearly you are not a woman. This is a situation that happens all the time.

Guy says, hey, I need some advice about xyz, would you be willing to talk to me about it?
Woman: sure, but I'm in a relationship.
Guy: WTF is wrong with you, I'm not asking you out, why do you think you're so hot? Proceeds to badmouth woman all over the office (playground) as being so ridiculously full of herself to assume everyone is asking her out.

so maybe the guy IS asking her out, but if he's not going to be completely honest, he's setting her up where she can't be completely upfront either without being made to look like a fool.

I'm sorry you don't know how to deal with aggressive men. There's no good reason she had to go out with him no matter how you try to spin it.

NO, you don't get it. You're using a perfect double standard in which the man isn't clear about his intentions but the woman is punished for taking him at his word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people defending the girlfriend's behavior are laughable. Why couldn't the girlfriend just say the following from the very beginning on the phone "look I'm in a relationship so this won't work, but you could join a larger social gathering that's happening at xyz location and I can introduce you to some friends." There is really no excuse for her to go through all of that effort to meet with him. She already has limited time as a divorced mom anyway. Are people really going on "no dates" all the time with people so the guy doesn't get angry? Give me a break. She was either interested or is a flirt who likes the attention. Trust me, people who are really in love with each other or dating seriously don't play these types of games. They simply wouldn't put themselves in a situation that would make the other person uncomfortable. She is just not the one. Be glad you figured this one out now because I'm sure there would have been other boundary testing behaviors in the future.

OMG clearly you are not a woman. This is a situation that happens all the time.

Guy says, hey, I need some advice about xyz, would you be willing to talk to me about it?
Woman: sure, but I'm in a relationship.
Guy: WTF is wrong with you, I'm not asking you out, why do you think you're so hot? Proceeds to badmouth woman all over the office (playground) as being so ridiculously full of herself to assume everyone is asking her out.

so maybe the guy IS asking her out, but if he's not going to be completely honest, he's setting her up where she can't be completely upfront either without being made to look like a fool.

+1 Yeah, it seems pretty clear to me (a woman) that they guy was using "seeking advice" as a pretext to ask the woman out. The GF seems to have been aware of this possibility, too--guys do this ALL THE TIME, so most woman know this move--and took very reasonable steps to make clear to him that she is taken and not interested in romance with him. On the off chance that the dude really WAS looking for friends/advice and not a date, the GF's response also left room for that to play out.

Yes.
Why are we overanaylzing a situation that resulted in ZERO cheating and, honesty on the GF part?
Seriously. This is why woman can never win.
Lets mansplain to them now HOW to handle every social interaction and not trust their own instincts and experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people defending the girlfriend's behavior are laughable. Why couldn't the girlfriend just say the following from the very beginning on the phone "look I'm in a relationship so this won't work, but you could join a larger social gathering that's happening at xyz location and I can introduce you to some friends." There is really no excuse for her to go through all of that effort to meet with him. She already has limited time as a divorced mom anyway. Are people really going on "no dates" all the time with people so the guy doesn't get angry? Give me a break. She was either interested or is a flirt who likes the attention. Trust me, people who are really in love with each other or dating seriously don't play these types of games. They simply wouldn't put themselves in a situation that would make the other person uncomfortable. She is just not the one. Be glad you figured this one out now because I'm sure there would have been other boundary testing behaviors in the future.

OMG clearly you are not a woman. This is a situation that happens all the time.

Guy says, hey, I need some advice about xyz, would you be willing to talk to me about it?
Woman: sure, but I'm in a relationship.
Guy: WTF is wrong with you, I'm not asking you out, why do you think you're so hot? Proceeds to badmouth woman all over the office (playground) as being so ridiculously full of herself to assume everyone is asking her out.

so maybe the guy IS asking her out, but if he's not going to be completely honest, he's setting her up where she can't be completely upfront either without being made to look like a fool.

I'm sorry you don't know how to deal with aggressive men. There's no good reason she had to go out with him no matter how you try to spin it.

NO, you don't get it. You're using a perfect double standard in which the man isn't clear about his intentions but the woman is punished for taking him at his word.

Yep, so we should assume Men are always lying?
Got it.
So when I am talking to a guy at my kids school and he asks if i would mind a playdate (this has happenend many times), I should assume he wants to sleep with me and decline?
Before you all ask, YES i have had playdates with a MAN and his child and GASP.................nothing romantic happened. One was even a single dad and spent the entire time talking about home renovations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people defending the girlfriend's behavior are laughable. Why couldn't the girlfriend just say the following from the very beginning on the phone "look I'm in a relationship so this won't work, but you could join a larger social gathering that's happening at xyz location and I can introduce you to some friends." There is really no excuse for her to go through all of that effort to meet with him. She already has limited time as a divorced mom anyway. Are people really going on "no dates" all the time with people so the guy doesn't get angry? Give me a break. She was either interested or is a flirt who likes the attention. Trust me, people who are really in love with each other or dating seriously don't play these types of games. They simply wouldn't put themselves in a situation that would make the other person uncomfortable. She is just not the one. Be glad you figured this one out now because I'm sure there would have been other boundary testing behaviors in the future.

OMG clearly you are not a woman. This is a situation that happens all the time.

Guy says, hey, I need some advice about xyz, would you be willing to talk to me about it?
Woman: sure, but I'm in a relationship.
Guy: WTF is wrong with you, I'm not asking you out, why do you think you're so hot? Proceeds to badmouth woman all over the office (playground) as being so ridiculously full of herself to assume everyone is asking her out.

so maybe the guy IS asking her out, but if he's not going to be completely honest, he's setting her up where she can't be completely upfront either without being made to look like a fool.

I'm sorry you don't know how to deal with aggressive men. There's no good reason she had to go out with him no matter how you try to spin it.

NO, you don't get it. You're using a perfect double standard in which the man isn't clear about his intentions but the woman is punished for taking him at his word.

Yep, so we should assume Men are always lying?
Got it.
So when I am talking to a guy at my kids school and he asks if i would mind a playdate (this has happenend many times), I should assume he wants to sleep with me and decline?
Before you all ask, YES i have had playdates with a MAN and his child and GASP.................nothing romantic happened. One was even a single dad and spent the entire time talking about home renovations.

Nobody's mansplaining you misandrist. We're answering the OP's question(s) which is that he is right to trust his gut that this interaction is suspect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people defending the girlfriend's behavior are laughable. Why couldn't the girlfriend just say the following from the very beginning on the phone "look I'm in a relationship so this won't work, but you could join a larger social gathering that's happening at xyz location and I can introduce you to some friends." There is really no excuse for her to go through all of that effort to meet with him. She already has limited time as a divorced mom anyway. Are people really going on "no dates" all the time with people so the guy doesn't get angry? Give me a break. She was either interested or is a flirt who likes the attention. Trust me, people who are really in love with each other or dating seriously don't play these types of games. They simply wouldn't put themselves in a situation that would make the other person uncomfortable. She is just not the one. Be glad you figured this one out now because I'm sure there would have been other boundary testing behaviors in the future.

OMG clearly you are not a woman. This is a situation that happens all the time.

Guy says, hey, I need some advice about xyz, would you be willing to talk to me about it?
Woman: sure, but I'm in a relationship.
Guy: WTF is wrong with you, I'm not asking you out, why do you think you're so hot? Proceeds to badmouth woman all over the office (playground) as being so ridiculously full of herself to assume everyone is asking her out.

so maybe the guy IS asking her out, but if he's not going to be completely honest, he's setting her up where she can't be completely upfront either without being made to look like a fool.

I'm sorry you don't know how to deal with aggressive men. There's no good reason she had to go out with him no matter how you try to spin it.

NO, you don't get it. You're using a perfect double standard in which the man isn't clear about his intentions but the woman is punished for taking him at his word.

Yep, so we should assume Men are always lying?
Got it.
So when I am talking to a guy at my kids school and he asks if i would mind a playdate (this has happenend many times), I should assume he wants to sleep with me and decline?
Before you all ask, YES i have had playdates with a MAN and his child and GASP.................nothing romantic happened. One was even a single dad and spent the entire time talking about home renovations.

Nobody's mansplaining you misandrist. We're answering the OP's question(s) which is that he is right to trust his gut that this interaction is suspect.

No, you are questioning and tearing apart this GF for no reason and telling us why she was wrong and should not have trusted HER gut.
OP can trust his gut but his gut says to dump her. He should then. But to tear apart the GF for no reason and to minimize woman explaining why she was right, that is mansplaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people defending the girlfriend's behavior are laughable. Why couldn't the girlfriend just say the following from the very beginning on the phone "look I'm in a relationship so this won't work, but you could join a larger social gathering that's happening at xyz location and I can introduce you to some friends." There is really no excuse for her to go through all of that effort to meet with him. She already has limited time as a divorced mom anyway. Are people really going on "no dates" all the time with people so the guy doesn't get angry? Give me a break. She was either interested or is a flirt who likes the attention. Trust me, people who are really in love with each other or dating seriously don't play these types of games. They simply wouldn't put themselves in a situation that would make the other person uncomfortable. She is just not the one. Be glad you figured this one out now because I'm sure there would have been other boundary testing behaviors in the future.

OMG clearly you are not a woman. This is a situation that happens all the time.

Guy says, hey, I need some advice about xyz, would you be willing to talk to me about it?
Woman: sure, but I'm in a relationship.
Guy: WTF is wrong with you, I'm not asking you out, why do you think you're so hot? Proceeds to badmouth woman all over the office (playground) as being so ridiculously full of herself to assume everyone is asking her out.

so maybe the guy IS asking her out, but if he's not going to be completely honest, he's setting her up where she can't be completely upfront either without being made to look like a fool.

I'm sorry you don't know how to deal with aggressive men. There's no good reason she had to go out with him no matter how you try to spin it.

NO, you don't get it. You're using a perfect double standard in which the man isn't clear about his intentions but the woman is punished for taking him at his word.

Yep, so we should assume Men are always lying?
Got it.
So when I am talking to a guy at my kids school and he asks if i would mind a playdate (this has happenend many times), I should assume he wants to sleep with me and decline?
Before you all ask, YES i have had playdates with a MAN and his child and GASP.................nothing romantic happened. One was even a single dad and spent the entire time talking about home renovations.

No, but you should definitely be aware that SOME men will lie about their intentions to make indirect romantic moves. And, unless you are interested in them romantically, you should act in a way that clearly communicates that you are not looking to bone, which is exactly what the GF in this situation did. (And, for the record, what it sounds like you did, by keeping the playdate conversation on neutral, impersonal topics like home renovations.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people defending the girlfriend's behavior are laughable. Why couldn't the girlfriend just say the following from the very beginning on the phone "look I'm in a relationship so this won't work, but you could join a larger social gathering that's happening at xyz location and I can introduce you to some friends." There is really no excuse for her to go through all of that effort to meet with him. She already has limited time as a divorced mom anyway. Are people really going on "no dates" all the time with people so the guy doesn't get angry? Give me a break. She was either interested or is a flirt who likes the attention. Trust me, people who are really in love with each other or dating seriously don't play these types of games. They simply wouldn't put themselves in a situation that would make the other person uncomfortable. She is just not the one. Be glad you figured this one out now because I'm sure there would have been other boundary testing behaviors in the future.

OMG clearly you are not a woman. This is a situation that happens all the time.

Guy says, hey, I need some advice about xyz, would you be willing to talk to me about it?
Woman: sure, but I'm in a relationship.
Guy: WTF is wrong with you, I'm not asking you out, why do you think you're so hot? Proceeds to badmouth woman all over the office (playground) as being so ridiculously full of herself to assume everyone is asking her out.

so maybe the guy IS asking her out, but if he's not going to be completely honest, he's setting her up where she can't be completely upfront either without being made to look like a fool.

I'm sorry you don't know how to deal with aggressive men. There's no good reason she had to go out with him no matter how you try to spin it.

Unless she WANTS a friend. And thinks he could be one.
I am friends with guys who initially wanted to date me, but you know what? We are fine as friends. they have married other women. It is called being an adult and not a sleeze.

You don’t seem to understand that the not a date guy here is definitely a sleeze. I’m a guy and see this a million miles away. So she’s seeking out a friendship with a sleeze. Is that ok?