Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

For those who have touched on childhood issues, I would underscore this. We are in our 50s but I had no clue how intergenerational infidelity is. If Dad cheated, unless you did your internal work, expect husband will cheat. Seriously. We had a very happy marriage but when 50s hit and unresolved trauma from childhood plus opportunity, bam. I wish I had understood how lethal the situation is and known more of the details about dh’s father also. Working to recover now and very difficult. So much grief on all sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I could tell her but I don't for the same reason I go elsewhere for sex. To keep the peace. There isn't anything I can do to change her mind or re-spark her interest in sex. So I go out and quietly get it with someone in the same situation. It's not ideal but it's better than it was before where I was holding in a lot of resentment towards her. As for letting her make an informed decision to stay married? Are you kidding me? She knows everything she needs to know besides that I have an AP. She knows I still have a strong sex drive. She knows that she has decided to permanently end our sex life, something we once enjoyed. And we had a great sex life. She has decided to stay married in this situation and decided that I just need to deal with it, like it or not. I tried for years to let her know how this affects us, and our likely future. But she has zero interest in addressing it. It just isn't a problem to her. She has decided to stay married in this situation. I've decided to stay married to her and not bother her about our lack of sex life anymore. I NEVER mention anymore and she seems happy with how things are. Telling her about my AP and blowing things up is not a good decision FOR ME right now.

Fixed that for you. Your post is one long rationalization from a selfish liar. Tell her you have an AP and let her decide if she wants to stay married to you. Your posts make it pretty clear why she is not interested in sex WITH YOU.

Yes, it must be me. I'm sure she still wants to have sex, just not with me, right? Because I'm such a brute of a man. You are a riot. Is that how you feel towards your husband? Blowing things up right now would not be good for her. I would be much better off than her if we divorced but, as I said, there are 100 reasons people don't divorce. I didn't go into any of them or mention anything about the rest of our relationship besides our lack of sex. Neither of us wants to end our marriage. This is far from ideal, but it works for now. Does anyone in a marriage, man or woman, really not understand the likely consequences of deciding to end their sex life with their spouse? Serious question I've asked here before and it never gets answered.

I'm guessing if you two divorced now, she would go out and date. And she would have sex. This wouldn't be the end of her romantic life. So yeah, it's you.

You really don't know for certain that she "doesn't want to end the marriage" - she doesn't have all the information about your marriage so she isn't able to make an informed decision. Somehow I'm betting if you said "You're done with sex, but I'm not - I'm having it whether or not you're there". Willing to bet money her response would be anything but "OK! Let's stay married!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ like finds like. The only person that wants to sleep with you is another narcissistic liar betraying her own spouse and family. Really, your AP is as low class and low quality as you are.

True. They are delusional like that.

I’ve been married 22 years and we were having sex 3-4 times per week still.

Then my dad was terminally ill for 2 years, I lost 15 pounds (And I was very fit and thin to begin with so not good) and was an emotional wreck. He died and I was in mourning. I would shut my eyes and cry during sex because I was so hurt about losing my dad and was still fulfilling his needs. Yes- I probably should have gone to grief counseling. He had no idea. So, understandably, it wasn’t 3-4 times per week during that period. But it was picking up again as I was coming out of grief.

For a spouse of 22 years to run off and find another married person to cheat with during that time instead of helping his wife work through grief from the death of a father she talked to daily and had an incredibly close relationship (as did he)—that is some vile selfish narcissistic behavior. He justifies by saying he was helpful to me, my mom and kids during that time. Yet he was in touch with her the whole time but couldn’t see her in person.

Jesus- fking Christ

Men like that guy and my husband are incredibly selfish self-centered people that are narcissists. Textbook. It’s always about them. Cold and callous.

Just wanted to emphasize this point because it so frequently gets lost. There is this idea that fulfilling a man’s “needs” keeps him from straying. It’s quaint and wrong. Over the years I’ve met many cheaters who have no trouble getting action at home. They just also want some strange on the side. A major, major reason for straying is the pull of something new, the thrill of the chase, the titillation of the transgression - it doesn’t mean you aren’t still getting the old. (I’m a man, btw.)

Don’t even get me started on the whole idea of a “man’s needs,” a concept that men frequently use to coerce sex from their partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who have touched on childhood issues, I would underscore this. We are in our 50s but I had no clue how intergenerational infidelity is. If Dad cheated, unless you did your internal work, expect husband will cheat. Seriously. We had a very happy marriage but when 50s hit and unresolved trauma from childhood plus opportunity, bam. I wish I had understood how lethal the situation is and known more of the details about dh’s father also. Working to recover now and very difficult. So much grief on all sides.

I have to say that this thread has been revelatory for me regarding childhood issues and how they manifest later in life in a marriage. Childhood and parental behaviors are red flags that should be considered before a marriage. I've always heard that it is something that should be considered but it's easy to believe when they say I don't want to be like my dad and so will never cheat/drink etc. when they are young. What the many examples on here tell me is that these issues can manifest later in life and so what these men say earlier in life should be taken with a grain of salt.

Thanks to all of you who contributed. I don't have any doubts that these childhood/parental issues should definitely be considered when choosing a spouse, regardless of how much they may despise cheating/bad behavior when young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ like finds like. The only person that wants to sleep with you is another narcissistic liar betraying her own spouse and family. Really, your AP is as low class and low quality as you are.

True. They are delusional like that.

I’ve been married 22 years and we were having sex 3-4 times per week still.

Then my dad was terminally ill for 2 years, I lost 15 pounds (And I was very fit and thin to begin with so not good) and was an emotional wreck. He died and I was in mourning. I would shut my eyes and cry during sex because I was so hurt about losing my dad and was still fulfilling his needs. Yes- I probably should have gone to grief counseling. He had no idea. So, understandably, it wasn’t 3-4 times per week during that period. But it was picking up again as I was coming out of grief.

For a spouse of 22 years to run off and find another married person to cheat with during that time instead of helping his wife work through grief from the death of a father she talked to daily and had an incredibly close relationship (as did he)—that is some vile selfish narcissistic behavior. He justifies by saying he was helpful to me, my mom and kids during that time. Yet he was in touch with her the whole time but couldn’t see her in person.

Jesus- fking Christ

Men like that guy and my husband are incredibly selfish self-centered people that are narcissists. Textbook. It’s always about them. Cold and callous.

Just wanted to emphasize this point because it so frequently gets lost. There is this idea that fulfilling a man’s “needs” keeps him from straying. It’s quaint and wrong. Over the years I’ve met many cheaters who have no trouble getting action at home. They just also want some strange on the side. A major, major reason for straying is the pull of something new, the thrill of the chase, the titillation of the transgression - it doesn’t mean you aren’t still getting the old. (I’m a man, btw.)

Don’t even get me started on the whole idea of a “man’s needs,” a concept that men frequently use to coerce sex from their partners.

wow, so refreshing to hear this point of view on this board. You clearly believe that marriage is a partnership and that partner's views should be a consideration. This is a recipe for a long term success in a marriage (respect and consideration) but also a great role model for kids. It's setting yourself up for generational success.

[Anonymous]

Trump and his wives could talk about this at length...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who have touched on childhood issues, I would underscore this. We are in our 50s but I had no clue how intergenerational infidelity is. If Dad cheated, unless you did your internal work, expect husband will cheat. Seriously. We had a very happy marriage but when 50s hit and unresolved trauma from childhood plus opportunity, bam. I wish I had understood how lethal the situation is and known more of the details about dh’s father also. Working to recover now and very difficult. So much grief on all sides.

I have to say that this thread has been revelatory for me regarding childhood issues and how they manifest later in life in a marriage. Childhood and parental behaviors are red flags that should be considered before a marriage. I've always heard that it is something that should be considered but it's easy to believe when they say I don't want to be like my dad and so will never cheat/drink etc. when they are young. What the many examples on here tell me is that these issues can manifest later in life and so what these men say earlier in life should be taken with a grain of salt.

Thanks to all of you who contributed. I don't have any doubts that these childhood/parental issues should definitely be considered when choosing a spouse, regardless of how much they may despise cheating/bad behavior when young.

+100

I had some reservations about marrying a kid from a divorce of a serial philanderer, alcoholic.

But, at 25 my future husband was the love of my life, a good person and adamant he would never cheat or divorce and wanted a happy family like mine.

I was head over heels. Now at 48 it came crashing down.

It’s not fair, but every person should consider a philanderer parent a red flag a reason not to marry somebody.

If you told me that when I was walking down the aisle at 27, I would have thought you were crazy. But, these people have no frame of reference for normal relationships and even after he adopted mine and loved them dearly for 22 years and so happy to have normal holidays and see normal sibling, husband-wife relationships, etc. it caught up with him

[Anonymous]

Cheated twice.

First time was cliche - business conference, she pursued me, hard first night, I was a good boy. Second night, after a couple drinks, not so good. Never heard from her again.

Second time, mid-40s, also cliche. Wife lost all interest in sex, sexless for months (like, actually sexless and wife had no interest in counseling). A friend of a close friend was going through a divorce, we met at a mutual happy hour and after a few texts, it happened. A few times.

My mindset for each one was slightly different but ultimately no different than your mindset if single. I thought with my penis. Although the second time it was much easier to say yes since I didn't and still don't feel I have that much to lose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheated twice.

First time was cliche - business conference, she pursued me, hard first night, I was a good boy. Second night, after a couple drinks, not so good. Never heard from her again.

Second time, mid-40s, also cliche. Wife lost all interest in sex, sexless for months (like, actually sexless and wife had no interest in counseling). A friend of a close friend was going through a divorce, we met at a mutual happy hour and after a few texts, it happened. A few times.

My mindset for each one was slightly different but ultimately no different than your mindset if single. I thought with my penis. Although the second time it was much easier to say yes since I didn't and still don't feel I have that much to lose.

If you don't have much to lose, why not let you wife gain a life by either communicating with her so that she understands your viewpoint about sex or divorce? Why not do the right thing and divorce your wife when she's still young and can move on quickly? If you had told your wife the 1st time around, it might have been the right thing to do as she might have divorced you while still young/kids still young. Now, it's just selfish.

BTW, since you folded so quickly the first time (2nd night), it means that it's just within you to cheat. No reasons/excuses. Key is how do we determine early on that you all are the cheating kind of guys. You could do us service by giving us advice on how you would determine guys likely to cheat or not (and I'm sure you know other cheaters around you to draw on for advice). It would be kind of fun to have cheaters tell us how to spot them early on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheated twice.

First time was cliche - business conference, she pursued me, hard first night, I was a good boy. Second night, after a couple drinks, not so good. Never heard from her again.

Second time, mid-40s, also cliche. Wife lost all interest in sex, sexless for months (like, actually sexless and wife had no interest in counseling). A friend of a close friend was going through a divorce, we met at a mutual happy hour and after a few texts, it happened. A few times.

My mindset for each one was slightly different but ultimately no different than your mindset if single. I thought with my penis. Although the second time it was much easier to say yes since I didn't and still don't feel I have that much to lose.

If you don't have much to lose, why not let you wife gain a life by either communicating with her so that she understands your viewpoint about sex or divorce? Why not do the right thing and divorce your wife when she's still young and can move on quickly? If you had told your wife the 1st time around, it might have been the right thing to do as she might have divorced you while still young/kids still young. Now, it's just selfish.

BTW, since you folded so quickly the first time (2nd night), it means that it's just within you to cheat. No reasons/excuses. Key is how do we determine early on that you all are the cheating kind of guys. You could do us service by giving us advice on how you would determine guys likely to cheat or not (and I'm sure you know other cheaters around you to draw on for advice). It would be kind of fun to have cheaters tell us how to spot them early on.

I wasn't looking for your approval. OP asked my mindset and I gave it.

Anyway, from what I can tell, and I know a lot of men who have cheated, I really think it comes down to the old adage that men are as faithful as their options. I suppose I would admit that I am tall, conventionally attractive and outgoing, so I do get propositioned, as many men do in my situation, and I have turned down most offers but not all. The second thing is you can really minimize the risk by giving your man something to lose, i.e. make the bedroom hot for him. It won't guarantee he won't cheat, but being a prude will guarantee he will - if he can.

Perhaps marry an introvert who doesn't travel for work and has a lower libido, would probably be your best chance to have a faithful man under all conditions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheated twice.

First time was cliche - business conference, she pursued me, hard first night, I was a good boy. Second night, after a couple drinks, not so good. Never heard from her again.

Second time, mid-40s, also cliche. Wife lost all interest in sex, sexless for months (like, actually sexless and wife had no interest in counseling). A friend of a close friend was going through a divorce, we met at a mutual happy hour and after a few texts, it happened. A few times.

My mindset for each one was slightly different but ultimately no different than your mindset if single. I thought with my penis. Although the second time it was much easier to say yes since I didn't and still don't feel I have that much to lose.

If you don't have much to lose, why not let you wife gain a life by either communicating with her so that she understands your viewpoint about sex or divorce? Why not do the right thing and divorce your wife when she's still young and can move on quickly? If you had told your wife the 1st time around, it might have been the right thing to do as she might have divorced you while still young/kids still young. Now, it's just selfish.

BTW, since you folded so quickly the first time (2nd night), it means that it's just within you to cheat. No reasons/excuses. Key is how do we determine early on that you all are the cheating kind of guys. You could do us service by giving us advice on how you would determine guys likely to cheat or not (and I'm sure you know other cheaters around you to draw on for advice). It would be kind of fun to have cheaters tell us how to spot them early on.

I wasn't looking for your approval. OP asked my mindset and I gave it.

Anyway, from what I can tell, and I know a lot of men who have cheated, I really think it comes down to the old adage that men are as faithful as their options. I suppose I would admit that I am tall, conventionally attractive and outgoing, so I do get propositioned, as many men do in my situation, and I have turned down most offers but not all. The second thing is you can really minimize the risk by giving your man something to lose, i.e. make the bedroom hot for him. It won't guarantee he won't cheat, but being a prude will guarantee he will - if he can.

Perhaps marry an introvert who doesn't travel for work and has a lower libido, would probably be your best chance to have a faithful man under all conditions.

so what I'm hearing is that men will be men and they will cheat. Only reason why men don't cheat is because they don't have opportunities. I guess women really shouldn't trust any husband (I guess what the FBI lady was saying anyway). Men shouldn't ask women to trust them (why are you checking my phone etc.). Tall men shouldn't marry unless it's an open marriage? Sort of interesting consequences from what I'm hearing from you. A different world than I was led to believe. Can make one cynical (maybe not men).

[Anonymous]

I wasn't looking for your approval. OP asked my mindset and I gave it.

Anyway, from what I can tell, and I know a lot of men who have cheated, I really think it comes down to the old adage that men are as faithful as their options. I suppose I would admit that I am tall, conventionally attractive and outgoing, so I do get propositioned, as many men do in my situation, and I have turned down most offers but not all. The second thing is you can really minimize the risk by giving your man something to lose, i.e. make the bedroom hot for him. It won't guarantee he won't cheat, but being a prude will guarantee he will - if he can.

Perhaps marry an introvert who doesn't travel for work and has a lower libido, would probably be your best chance to have a faithful man under all conditions.

I think this is something you tell yourself to feel better. My brother is tall, conventionally attractive, travels a lot for work and has a $15 million house. He has options, but is faithful (we have talked about it). My DH is outgoing, in great shape, travels a lot and is a super high earner. He said lots of people cheat at work conferences. He doesn't - sometimes I travel with him, other times I don't, but he feels like we have a great family and has no interest in blowing it up. I also have options but totally agree with him. So, just own your lack of character and call it what it is, because there are lots of good guys who don't lie and cheat like you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I wasn't looking for your approval. OP asked my mindset and I gave it.

Anyway, from what I can tell, and I know a lot of men who have cheated, I really think it comes down to the old adage that men are as faithful as their options. I suppose I would admit that I am tall, conventionally attractive and outgoing, so I do get propositioned, as many men do in my situation, and I have turned down most offers but not all. The second thing is you can really minimize the risk by giving your man something to lose, i.e. make the bedroom hot for him. It won't guarantee he won't cheat, but being a prude will guarantee he will - if he can.

Perhaps marry an introvert who doesn't travel for work and has a lower libido, would probably be your best chance to have a faithful man under all conditions.

I think this is something you tell yourself to feel better. My brother is tall, conventionally attractive, travels a lot for work and has a $15 million house. He has options, but is faithful (we have talked about it). My DH is outgoing, in great shape, travels a lot and is a super high earner. He said lots of people cheat at work conferences. He doesn't - sometimes I travel with him, other times I don't, but he feels like we have a great family and has no interest in blowing it up. I also have options but totally agree with him. So, just own your lack of character and call it what it is, because there are lots of good guys who don't lie and cheat like you do.

PP here, ok, I will admit I am not perfect, my character sucks, whatever.

Anyway, I certainly wasn't implying that all men cheat, and I have no reason to doubt you married one of the good ones. As you said, he has a good home life, assuredly a good sex life so he doesn't want to lose it.

As he said, a lot of people cheat from what he's seen, so I suppose you can chalk up a huge set of men as just morally bankrupt, myself included, and most men I know. Not all though, for sure, and sounds like you hit the lottery so share your secrets of what you did right and all these other women did wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I wasn't looking for your approval. OP asked my mindset and I gave it.

Anyway, from what I can tell, and I know a lot of men who have cheated, I really think it comes down to the old adage that men are as faithful as their options. I suppose I would admit that I am tall, conventionally attractive and outgoing, so I do get propositioned, as many men do in my situation, and I have turned down most offers but not all. The second thing is you can really minimize the risk by giving your man something to lose, i.e. make the bedroom hot for him. It won't guarantee he won't cheat, but being a prude will guarantee he will - if he can.

Perhaps marry an introvert who doesn't travel for work and has a lower libido, would probably be your best chance to have a faithful man under all conditions.

I think this is something you tell yourself to feel better. My brother is tall, conventionally attractive, travels a lot for work and has a $15 million house. He has options, but is faithful (we have talked about it). My DH is outgoing, in great shape, travels a lot and is a super high earner. He said lots of people cheat at work conferences. He doesn't - sometimes I travel with him, other times I don't, but he feels like we have a great family and has no interest in blowing it up. I also have options but totally agree with him. So, just own your lack of character and call it what it is, because there are lots of good guys who don't lie and cheat like you do.

So I'm the poster who asked the guy for tell signs of a cheater. Reading these boards makes me wonder if we ever know if a man cheats. At this point, doesn't this make you cynical? I grew up believing that good people were good regardless of sex but when you hear from men on these boards, maybe we're the ones in the dark. I truly believe my husband isn't a cheater but maybe because he has daughters that he loves very much and wouldn't want to risk his relationship with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I wasn't looking for your approval. OP asked my mindset and I gave it.

Anyway, from what I can tell, and I know a lot of men who have cheated, I really think it comes down to the old adage that men are as faithful as their options. I suppose I would admit that I am tall, conventionally attractive and outgoing, so I do get propositioned, as many men do in my situation, and I have turned down most offers but not all. The second thing is you can really minimize the risk by giving your man something to lose, i.e. make the bedroom hot for him. It won't guarantee he won't cheat, but being a prude will guarantee he will - if he can.

Perhaps marry an introvert who doesn't travel for work and has a lower libido, would probably be your best chance to have a faithful man under all conditions.

I think this is something you tell yourself to feel better. My brother is tall, conventionally attractive, travels a lot for work and has a $15 million house. He has options, but is faithful (we have talked about it). My DH is outgoing, in great shape, travels a lot and is a super high earner. He said lots of people cheat at work conferences. He doesn't - sometimes I travel with him, other times I don't, but he feels like we have a great family and has no interest in blowing it up. I also have options but totally agree with him. So, just own your lack of character and call it what it is, because there are lots of good guys who don't lie and cheat like you do.

So I'm the poster who asked the guy for tell signs of a cheater. Reading these boards makes me wonder if we ever know if a man cheats. At this point, doesn't this make you cynical? I grew up believing that good people were good regardless of sex but when you hear from men on these boards, maybe we're the ones in the dark. I truly believe my husband isn't a cheater but maybe because he has daughters that he loves very much and wouldn't want to risk his relationship with them?

A lot of men cheat at some point and most don't get caught. Long term affairs aren't nearly as common though.

But why obsess about it? You can only do so much to make your marriage great, and after that, maybe he will, maybe he won't. It's not a death sentence.