Reply to Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]For those who have touched on childhood issues, I would underscore this.  We are in our 50s but I had no clue how intergenerational infidelity is.  If Dad cheated, unless you did your internal work, expect husband will cheat.  Seriously.  We had a very happy marriage but when 50s hit and unresolved trauma from childhood plus opportunity, bam.  I wish I had understood how lethal the situation is and known more of the details about dh’s father also.  Working to recover now and very difficult.  So much grief on all sides. [/quote]

I have to say that this thread has been revelatory for me regarding childhood issues and how they manifest later in life in a marriage.  Childhood and parental behaviors are red flags that should be considered before a marriage.  I've always heard that it is something that should be considered but it's easy to believe when they say I don't want to be like my dad and so will never cheat/drink etc. when they are young.  What the many examples on here tell me is that these issues can manifest later in life and so what these men say earlier in life should be taken with a grain of salt.

Thanks to all of you who contributed.  I don't have any doubts that these childhood/parental issues should definitely be considered when choosing a spouse, regardless of how much they may despise cheating/bad behavior when young.

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+100

I had some reservations about marrying a kid from a divorce of a serial philanderer, alcoholic.

But, at 25 my future husband was the love of my life, a good person and adamant he would never cheat or divorce and wanted a happy family like mine.

I was head over heels.  Now at 48 it came crashing down.

It’s not fair, but every person should consider a philanderer parent a red flag a reason not to marry somebody.

If you told me that when I was walking down the aisle at 27, I would have thought you were crazy.  But, these people have no frame of reference for normal relationships and even after he adopted mine and loved them dearly for 22 years and so happy to have normal holidays and see normal sibling, husband-wife relationships, etc.  it caught up with him
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