My adult step-daughter wants to move in with us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a child of a failed marriage,so I do not expect her to have a bright future. Cautionary tale of what happens to the children of divorce, and why not to have kids with irresponsible people. These kids do not have the security of a roof over their head if something goes wrong!

This person is being discussed as if she is a burden on these people's life. I hope she does not have the misfortune to read this forum and self harm herself.

This is well said and so true. Op, I took my step daughter in (hate this wording) because her mother was a f g joke. This poor girl poured her heart and soul into her relationship with her mother only to have that very same person toss her to the wind when my stepdaughter was clearly crying out for help. Age is not an issue in some children of divorce, sometimes they just never adjusted and got the help or guidance they needed during or after the divorce process. My step daughter at 19 ( one year into college) need therapy desperately, and we were thankfully able to help and give her that support. She left her college and took community college courses until she was ready to transfer back into her four year university. In all, she graduated with her degree in six years, with our support and guidance. I treasure that time because I KNOW we were able to give her a lifeline she was seeking and we are a big part of the reason why she is now pursuing her graduate degree, is engaged to an amazing man and yes, gainfully employed. I sleep better at night knowing she is secure and peaceful, and so does her father, my husband. Was it a curveball I wasn't expecting, yes, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I love, love, love having her at our family dinners and seeing that beautiful smiles. I only wish I had stepped in earlier.

Would there have been any limits if she was not willing to go to therapy, or back to classes, or get a job? What were the boundaries? Just curious. And the question is for how long -- indefinitely, like years? Or what?

I think the OP's situation would be very different if the young woman was going to be doing community college classes and therapy.

[Anonymous]

I guess my only thought is that your stepdaughter is the sibling of your children. How would they want their sister treated? Would you want someone to be there for your children if they were in a similar situation? Family is family, step or not, it is your children's family. I like to think about those long term bonds I want for my children. I truly dislike my stepchildren (they are adults) for a variety of reasons I won't go into, but, they are family to my children and I foster those relationships because I want them to have that extended family when I am no longer here. It is important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a child of a failed marriage,so I do not expect her to have a bright future. Cautionary tale of what happens to the children of divorce, and why not to have kids with irresponsible people. These kids do not have the security of a roof over their head if something goes wrong!

This person is being discussed as if she is a burden on these people's life. I hope she does not have the misfortune to read this forum and self harm herself.

This is well said and so true. Op, I took my step daughter in (hate this wording) because her mother was a f g joke. This poor girl poured her heart and soul into her relationship with her mother only to have that very same person toss her to the wind when my stepdaughter was clearly crying out for help. Age is not an issue in some children of divorce, sometimes they just never adjusted and got the help or guidance they needed during or after the divorce process. My step daughter at 19 ( one year into college) need therapy desperately, and we were thankfully able to help and give her that support. She left her college and took community college courses until she was ready to transfer back into her four year university. In all, she graduated with her degree in six years, with our support and guidance. I treasure that time because I KNOW we were able to give her a lifeline she was seeking and we are a big part of the reason why she is now pursuing her graduate degree, is engaged to an amazing man and yes, gainfully employed. I sleep better at night knowing she is secure and peaceful, and so does her father, my husband. Was it a curveball I wasn't expecting, yes, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I love, love, love having her at our family dinners and seeing that beautiful smiles. I only wish I had stepped in earlier.

Would there have been any limits if she was not willing to go to therapy, or back to classes, or get a job? What were the boundaries? Just curious. And the question is for how long -- indefinitely, like years? Or what?

I think the OP's situation would be very different if the young woman was going to be doing community college classes and therapy.

Obviously you have to set limits, but, I wouldn't do it as soon as she walks through the door. She is already probably pretty low in the self esteem category of life, a little time to adjust to the new household and catch her breath. Do you think she doesn't know she is letting people down, not to mention herself? I think everyone deserves a chance to begin again and start over. If drugs or something were involved I'd still want to help but would be stricter right at the start, but if not, I would focus on letting her know she has a safe place to sleep and a family that is there to support her and guide her with her next steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a child of a failed marriage,so I do not expect her to have a bright future. Cautionary tale of what happens to the children of divorce, and why not to have kids with irresponsible people. These kids do not have the security of a roof over their head if something goes wrong!

This person is being discussed as if she is a burden on these people's life. I hope she does not have the misfortune to read this forum and self harm herself.

This is well said and so true. Op, I took my step daughter in (hate this wording) because her mother was a f g joke. This poor girl poured her heart and soul into her relationship with her mother only to have that very same person toss her to the wind when my stepdaughter was clearly crying out for help. Age is not an issue in some children of divorce, sometimes they just never adjusted and got the help or guidance they needed during or after the divorce process. My step daughter at 19 ( one year into college) need therapy desperately, and we were thankfully able to help and give her that support. She left her college and took community college courses until she was ready to transfer back into her four year university. In all, she graduated with her degree in six years, with our support and guidance. I treasure that time because I KNOW we were able to give her a lifeline she was seeking and we are a big part of the reason why she is now pursuing her graduate degree, is engaged to an amazing man and yes, gainfully employed. I sleep better at night knowing she is secure and peaceful, and so does her father, my husband. Was it a curveball I wasn't expecting, yes, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I love, love, love having her at our family dinners and seeing that beautiful smiles. I only wish I had stepped in earlier.

Would there have been any limits if she was not willing to go to therapy, or back to classes, or get a job? What were the boundaries? Just curious. And the question is for how long -- indefinitely, like years? Or what?

I think the OP's situation would be very different if the young woman was going to be doing community college classes and therapy.

Obviously you have to set limits, but, I wouldn't do it as soon as she walks through the door. She is already probably pretty low in the self esteem category of life, a little time to adjust to the new household and catch her breath. Do you think she doesn't know she is letting people down, not to mention herself? I think everyone deserves a chance to begin again and start over. If drugs or something were involved I'd still want to help but would be stricter right at the start, but if not, I would focus on letting her know she has a safe place to sleep and a family that is there to support her and guide her with her next steps.

Right, I get that, but we are not talking limits in front of her here. This is something your can clarify without offending her -- she isn't in the conversation. The question still stands.

So if she were coming because she was refusing to get a job OR go to classes and wouldn't go for therapy, practically speaking, what would your limits have been? How long like that could it reasonably drag on?

I get that your focus is on being supportive, and I appreciate that. I'm not asking you to set limits in front of her. I'm just asking how much time would be beyond the pale in that situation, without things changing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would you tell your biological 22 year old daughter?

Frankly, 22 isn't ridiculously old to want to move home. I would make any child work, go to school (or trade school), etc. But I would always provide a home for my children. That's what parents do!

Well...my parents had a rule that we all moved out when we were 18 so I'm not sure my opinion would be different. I guess I grew up more independent and have that as my mindset. But you make a good point that parents need to provide a home for their kid. Her problem is she does not want to work. Her mom told us she spends all day at home (no local friends - they're all away at school). She has applied to a few jobs but hasn't had any luck. This would be her first job so she doesn't have any work experience.

Never knew anyone who got to that age without having had any job--even myself and I was the absolute worst at job-hunting when I was young, all the jobs I had up until about age 22 (including one year between sophomore and junior year of college) were actually found by family or relatives. If she's 22 and hasn't finished college and has never had a job what has she been doing with all the extra time??? But anyway, job-hunting should be her job (like people on public benefits are required to spend 20 or 25 hours a week in job search activities, she can spend 5 hours a day at Job Service) --- with zip experience she has to be totally entry-level like 15 year olds in the real world who get to mop the floor at McDonald's because they aren't allowed near the hot grease. Or through a day-labor temp agency. Either that or DH is going to have to come up with a starter job for her.

It sounds like her mom hasn't been all that effective at helping her get moving in a concrete way--maybe pressure without tools? I think she needs a push and that is where the united front is going to come in.

I think if I were her, besides whatever loafing I might be getting away with, I would also be starting to feel scared about my future, even if I kept it to myself (which I probably would).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a child of a failed marriage,so I do not expect her to have a bright future. Cautionary tale of what happens to the children of divorce, and why not to have kids with irresponsible people. These kids do not have the security of a roof over their head if something goes wrong!

This person is being discussed as if she is a burden on these people's life. I hope she does not have the misfortune to read this forum and self harm herself.

This is well said and so true. Op, I took my step daughter in (hate this wording) because her mother was a f g joke. This poor girl poured her heart and soul into her relationship with her mother only to have that very same person toss her to the wind when my stepdaughter was clearly crying out for help. Age is not an issue in some children of divorce, sometimes they just never adjusted and got the help or guidance they needed during or after the divorce process. My step daughter at 19 ( one year into college) need therapy desperately, and we were thankfully able to help and give her that support. She left her college and took community college courses until she was ready to transfer back into her four year university. In all, she graduated with her degree in six years, with our support and guidance. I treasure that time because I KNOW we were able to give her a lifeline she was seeking and we are a big part of the reason why she is now pursuing her graduate degree, is engaged to an amazing man and yes, gainfully employed. I sleep better at night knowing she is secure and peaceful, and so does her father, my husband. Was it a curveball I wasn't expecting, yes, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I love, love, love having her at our family dinners and seeing that beautiful smiles. I only wish I had stepped in earlier.

Would there have been any limits if she was not willing to go to therapy, or back to classes, or get a job? What were the boundaries? Just curious. And the question is for how long -- indefinitely, like years? Or what?

I think the OP's situation would be very different if the young woman was going to be doing community college classes and therapy.

Obviously you have to set limits, but, I wouldn't do it as soon as she walks through the door. She is already probably pretty low in the self esteem category of life, a little time to adjust to the new household and catch her breath. Do you think she doesn't know she is letting people down, not to mention herself? I think everyone deserves a chance to begin again and start over. If drugs or something were involved I'd still want to help but would be stricter right at the start, but if not, I would focus on letting her know she has a safe place to sleep and a family that is there to support her and guide her with her next steps.

Right, I get that, but we are not talking limits in front of her here. This is something your can clarify without offending her -- she isn't in the conversation. The question still stands.

So if she were coming because she was refusing to get a job OR go to classes and wouldn't go for therapy, practically speaking, what would your limits have been? How long like that could it reasonably drag on?

I get that your focus is on being supportive, and I appreciate that. I'm not asking you to set limits in front of her. I'm just asking how much time would be beyond the pale in that situation, without things changing?

Okay, I see where you're coming from, let me start by saying I'm not entirely convinced she doesn't want to get a job or have a life outside of sitting on a couch. But, if this is the situation, an agreement to engage with a therapist would be a requirement on moving in with my family. I would explain to her over dinner with my husband, that we are they to help you get on your feet and don't want to throw too much at you but that we feel she may have some underlying issues (divorce, whatever) that have to be addressed if she wants to successfully move on with her life. I'll bet at that moment you'll see a tear in her eye because someone sees she isn't a lazy kid, but someone who is broken and then I would affirm that it's okay to take sometime to create a fresh start. Who knows, maybe she is depressed and needs to work through those emotions. Once we had her in therapy say three or four sessions, and she is adapting to that, then I would enroll her in a class at a community college of her choosing. If all continues to go well and she is finding her way, I would then help her with job applications to find a part time job. I suspect she doesn't know how to move forward and is just loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would you tell your biological 22 year old daughter?

Frankly, 22 isn't ridiculously old to want to move home. I would make any child work, go to school (or trade school), etc. But I would always provide a home for my children. That's what parents do!

Well...my parents had a rule that we all moved out when we were 18 so I'm not sure my opinion would be different. I guess I grew up more independent and have that as my mindset. But you make a good point that parents need to provide a home for their kid. Her problem is she does not want to work. Her mom told us she spends all day at home (no local friends - they're all away at school). She has applied to a few jobs but hasn't had any luck. This would be her first job so she doesn't have any work experience.

Never knew anyone who got to that age without having had any job--even myself and I was the absolute worst at job-hunting when I was young, all the jobs I had up until about age 22 (including one year between sophomore and junior year of college) were actually found by family or relatives. If she's 22 and hasn't finished college and has never had a job what has she been doing with all the extra time??? But anyway, job-hunting should be her job (like people on public benefits are required to spend 20 or 25 hours a week in job search activities, she can spend 5 hours a day at Job Service) --- with zip experience she has to be totally entry-level like 15 year olds in the real world who get to mop the floor at McDonald's because they aren't allowed near the hot grease. Or through a day-labor temp agency. Either that or DH is going to have to come up with a starter job for her.

It sounds like her mom hasn't been all that effective at helping her get moving in a concrete way--maybe pressure without tools? I think she needs a push and that is where the united front is going to come in.

I think if I were her, besides whatever loafing I might be getting away with, I would also be starting to feel scared about my future, even if I kept it to myself (which I probably would).

Do you know what my twenty five year old told me over dinner recently, he thanked god he had parents like my husband and myself because they were there, demonstrating very step of the way how to approach people, how to talk to people, how to not be afraid to ask for things, like a job. This girl obviously had a mother who demonstrated very little motivation or life skills and may be a bit intimidated when it comes to asking for a job application especially when she feels like a failure already. Who would want her? Just saying, this might be going on in her head and that is okay. In fact, it's completely natural if she's been given everything up to this point. Never to late to teach her, but that will take patience and time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a child of a failed marriage,so I do not expect her to have a bright future. Cautionary tale of what happens to the children of divorce, and why not to have kids with irresponsible people. These kids do not have the security of a roof over their head if something goes wrong!

This person is being discussed as if she is a burden on these people's life. I hope she does not have the misfortune to read this forum and self harm herself.

This is well said and so true. Op, I took my step daughter in (hate this wording) because her mother was a f g joke. This poor girl poured her heart and soul into her relationship with her mother only to have that very same person toss her to the wind when my stepdaughter was clearly crying out for help. Age is not an issue in some children of divorce, sometimes they just never adjusted and got the help or guidance they needed during or after the divorce process. My step daughter at 19 ( one year into college) need therapy desperately, and we were thankfully able to help and give her that support. She left her college and took community college courses until she was ready to transfer back into her four year university. In all, she graduated with her degree in six years, with our support and guidance. I treasure that time because I KNOW we were able to give her a lifeline she was seeking and we are a big part of the reason why she is now pursuing her graduate degree, is engaged to an amazing man and yes, gainfully employed. I sleep better at night knowing she is secure and peaceful, and so does her father, my husband. Was it a curveball I wasn't expecting, yes, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I love, love, love having her at our family dinners and seeing that beautiful smiles. I only wish I had stepped in earlier.

Would there have been any limits if she was not willing to go to therapy, or back to classes, or get a job? What were the boundaries? Just curious. And the question is for how long -- indefinitely, like years? Or what?

I think the OP's situation would be very different if the young woman was going to be doing community college classes and therapy.

Obviously you have to set limits, but, I wouldn't do it as soon as she walks through the door. She is already probably pretty low in the self esteem category of life, a little time to adjust to the new household and catch her breath. Do you think she doesn't know she is letting people down, not to mention herself? I think everyone deserves a chance to begin again and start over. If drugs or something were involved I'd still want to help but would be stricter right at the start, but if not, I would focus on letting her know she has a safe place to sleep and a family that is there to support her and guide her with her next steps.

Right, I get that, but we are not talking limits in front of her here. This is something your can clarify without offending her -- she isn't in the conversation. The question still stands.

So if she were coming because she was refusing to get a job OR go to classes and wouldn't go for therapy, practically speaking, what would your limits have been? How long like that could it reasonably drag on?

I get that your focus is on being supportive, and I appreciate that. I'm not asking you to set limits in front of her. I'm just asking how much time would be beyond the pale in that situation, without things changing?

Okay, I see where you're coming from, let me start by saying I'm not entirely convinced she doesn't want to get a job or have a life outside of sitting on a couch. But, if this is the situation, an agreement to engage with a therapist would be a requirement on moving in with my family. I would explain to her over dinner with my husband, that we are they to help you get on your feet and don't want to throw too much at you but that we feel she may have some underlying issues (divorce, whatever) that have to be addressed if she wants to successfully move on with her life. I'll bet at that moment you'll see a tear in her eye because someone sees she isn't a lazy kid, but someone who is broken and then I would affirm that it's okay to take sometime to create a fresh start. Who knows, maybe she is depressed and needs to work through those emotions. Once we had her in therapy say three or four sessions, and she is adapting to that, then I would enroll her in a class at a community college of her choosing. If all continues to go well and she is finding her way, I would then help her with job applications to find a part time job. I suspect she doesn't know how to move forward and is just loss.

I think you would be a wonderful resource as a mother to anyone.

If I read you right, no engagement with a therapist means no moving in with your family? And if she stopped therapy and still didn't want to pursue classes or work, then -- she has to leave?

I am asking because I think that is more likely the situation OP is entering (who knows, you always only get one side, but nonetheless). It is really nice to talk about being supportive and focus on that -- it's admirable! -- and it's also the easy part of this. I don't think it's fair to talk about OP's situation by saying what we would do in a different situation. I do, however, appreciate having both the, well, carrot and stick aspects addressed.

But it won't be useful (with a different kid) to just say "be positive!" In your own language, I'd say that isn't helping her with tools, or at least not a full set.

[Anonymous]

PS: I was a different kid, but in the other direction. I came from a pretty difficult childhood (I slept beside my parent's bed during junior high, because my mother was working double shifts as a nurse and my father was quite ill -- it was my job to call 911 if he had another heart attack or stroke, because she wouldn't wake up). I worked a series of part-time jobs in high school, was a National Merit finalist, but worked all through university to pay for room and board. At one point I had 6 part-time jobs, including 2 that were just a few hours a week.

Anyway, if anyone offered me any help, it was received with gratitude and bending over backwards to not be a burden. But that's not what it sounds like OP is dealing with. Right now I'm dating a divorced dad with a near-20-year-old who spends all day smoking weed in his bedroom. He graduated at 17 and is extremely bright, but he started college classes 5 times without completing a semester. He is "looking for work" (his brother, 2 years older, can find work through a temp agency or job listings within days).

I know it is touching to muse on bringing a tear to his eye by recognizing his trials, but that has been done, over and over. There have been multiple trials with therapy, which he is no longer interested in. There has been a psychiatric assessment. He moved states away to be with his mom, and then back here when she insisted he get a job.

He's got stresses and problems. He really does! He gets a lot of support, friendly ears, and advice when he asks for it. His father always, always tells him he loves him each night before bed (I hear it, and I love it).

It's not changing. Something has to change.

And just saying "be patient and loving, and listen to him" is not working. It's neglecting the reality of these situations to pretend that it will, just because it would have worked for me or your stepdaughter.

[Anonymous]

PPS: Just to be clear, I offer NO advice to his dad on what to do. Not my place. I make small talk with him when we run into each other in the kitchen, and I will share whatever I bring to the house that he likes, whether sparkling water, or a pot roast, or whatever.

But I can see the tension building. Not my place to intervene, but I see where it is going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a child of a failed marriage,so I do not expect her to have a bright future. Cautionary tale of what happens to the children of divorce, and why not to have kids with irresponsible people. These kids do not have the security of a roof over their head if something goes wrong!

This person is being discussed as if she is a burden on these people's life. I hope she does not have the misfortune to read this forum and self harm herself.

This is well said and so true. Op, I took my step daughter in (hate this wording) because her mother was a f g joke. This poor girl poured her heart and soul into her relationship with her mother only to have that very same person toss her to the wind when my stepdaughter was clearly crying out for help. Age is not an issue in some children of divorce, sometimes they just never adjusted and got the help or guidance they needed during or after the divorce process. My step daughter at 19 ( one year into college) need therapy desperately, and we were thankfully able to help and give her that support. She left her college and took community college courses until she was ready to transfer back into her four year university. In all, she graduated with her degree in six years, with our support and guidance. I treasure that time because I KNOW we were able to give her a lifeline she was seeking and we are a big part of the reason why she is now pursuing her graduate degree, is engaged to an amazing man and yes, gainfully employed. I sleep better at night knowing she is secure and peaceful, and so does her father, my husband. Was it a curveball I wasn't expecting, yes, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I love, love, love having her at our family dinners and seeing that beautiful smiles. I only wish I had stepped in earlier.

Would there have been any limits if she was not willing to go to therapy, or back to classes, or get a job? What were the boundaries? Just curious. And the question is for how long -- indefinitely, like years? Or what?

I think the OP's situation would be very different if the young woman was going to be doing community college classes and therapy.

Obviously you have to set limits, but, I wouldn't do it as soon as she walks through the door. She is already probably pretty low in the self esteem category of life, a little time to adjust to the new household and catch her breath. Do you think she doesn't know she is letting people down, not to mention herself? I think everyone deserves a chance to begin again and start over. If drugs or something were involved I'd still want to help but would be stricter right at the start, but if not, I would focus on letting her know she has a safe place to sleep and a family that is there to support her and guide her with her next steps.

Right, I get that, but we are not talking limits in front of her here. This is something your can clarify without offending her -- she isn't in the conversation. The question still stands.

So if she were coming because she was refusing to get a job OR go to classes and wouldn't go for therapy, practically speaking, what would your limits have been? How long like that could it reasonably drag on?

I get that your focus is on being supportive, and I appreciate that. I'm not asking you to set limits in front of her. I'm just asking how much time would be beyond the pale in that situation, without things changing?

Okay, I see where you're coming from, let me start by saying I'm not entirely convinced she doesn't want to get a job or have a life outside of sitting on a couch. But, if this is the situation, an agreement to engage with a therapist would be a requirement on moving in with my family. I would explain to her over dinner with my husband, that we are they to help you get on your feet and don't want to throw too much at you but that we feel she may have some underlying issues (divorce, whatever) that have to be addressed if she wants to successfully move on with her life. I'll bet at that moment you'll see a tear in her eye because someone sees she isn't a lazy kid, but someone who is broken and then I would affirm that it's okay to take sometime to create a fresh start. Who knows, maybe she is depressed and needs to work through those emotions. Once we had her in therapy say three or four sessions, and she is adapting to that, then I would enroll her in a class at a community college of her choosing. If all continues to go well and she is finding her way, I would then help her with job applications to find a part time job. I suspect she doesn't know how to move forward and is just loss.

I think you would be a wonderful resource as a mother to anyone.

If I read you right, no engagement with a therapist means no moving in with your family? And if she stopped therapy and still didn't want to pursue classes or work, then -- she has to leave?

I am asking because I think that is more likely the situation OP is entering (who knows, you always only get one side, but nonetheless). It is really nice to talk about being supportive and focus on that -- it's admirable! -- and it's also the easy part of this. I don't think it's fair to talk about OP's situation by saying what we would do in a different situation. I do, however, appreciate having both the, well, carrot and stick aspects addressed.

But it won't be useful (with a different kid) to just say "be positive!" In your own language, I'd say that isn't helping her with tools, or at least not a full set.

Thank you. I prefer these type of productive conversations on this board, something to give Op an opportunity to ponder her role in someone's future. Quite simply, sometimes we all just want to be told it will be okay and know that we have people who care about us and our welfare. I just don't see enough of this in my teenagers' friends families. I wish we could get back to believing in our children/young adults and not judging them so harshly ( and I am no snowflake type of parent). I just believe in life, we all make mistakes, we all have failures, but isn't it how we bounce back from these that proves how strong we can be? Everyone deserves a second chance.

[Anonymous]

I am glad you are able to have the type of conversations you prefer. I'm not sure that is always sufficient, but this can certainly be an agree to disagree thing.

You have brought a great perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:art time job. I suspect she doesn't know how to move forward and is just loss.

I think you would be a wonderful resource as a mother to anyone.

If I read you right, no engagement with a therapist means no moving in with your family? And if she stopped therapy and still didn't want to pursue classes or work, then -- she has to leave?

I am asking because I think that is more likely the situation OP is entering (who knows, you always only get one side, but nonetheless). It is really nice to talk about being supportive and focus on that -- it's admirable! -- and it's also the easy part of this. I don't think it's fair to talk about OP's situation by saying what we would do in a different situation. I do, however, appreciate having both the, well, carrot and stick aspects addressed.

But it won't be useful (with a different kid) to just say "be positive!" In your own language, I'd say that isn't helping her with tools, or at least not a full set.

Thank you. I prefer these type of productive conversations on this board, something to give Op an opportunity to ponder her role in someone's future. Quite simply, sometimes we all just want to be told it will be okay and know that we have people who care about us and our welfare. I just don't see enough of this in my teenagers' friends families. I wish we could get back to believing in our children/young adults and not judging them so harshly ( and I am no snowflake type of parent). I just believe in life, we all make mistakes, we all have failures, but isn't it how we bounce back from these that proves how strong we can be? Everyone deserves a second chance.

Sorry, to answer your question, yes, you are "reading" me correctly. Therapy is a must, it's not negotiable. Perhaps stepdaughter can have a say in the therapist, but she has to commit to going to said therapist. If, and this is a big if, that works out then Op is well on her way of helping to turn this young woman's life around. We put so much on our daughters these days, maybe this girl just needs someone to believe in her instead of attacking her self esteem at every angle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a child of a failed marriage,so I do not expect her to have a bright future. Cautionary tale of what happens to the children of divorce, and why not to have kids with irresponsible people. These kids do not have the security of a roof over their head if something goes wrong!

This person is being discussed as if she is a burden on these people's life. I hope she does not have the misfortune to read this forum and self harm herself.

You think only "failed marriages" put limits on whether young adult children can live at home rent-free, without looking for a job, and without being in school? Really?

Biological parents in intact marriages want their biological children to succeed. They get their children the help and support needed - logistical, therapy, monetary, educational- to see that they launch. This is not common in broken families and 50% of American marriages end in divorce.

Some cultures do a better job of parenting than other cultures. In my personal experience, White parents tend to be more money minded and less willing to inconvenience themselves for their adult children and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a child of a failed marriage,so I do not expect her to have a bright future. Cautionary tale of what happens to the children of divorce, and why not to have kids with irresponsible people. These kids do not have the security of a roof over their head if something goes wrong!

This person is being discussed as if she is a burden on these people's life. I hope she does not have the misfortune to read this forum and self harm herself.

You think only "failed marriages" put limits on whether young adult children can live at home rent-free, without looking for a job, and without being in school? Really?

Biological parents in intact marriages want their biological children to succeed. They get their children the help and support needed - logistical, therapy, monetary, educational- to see that they launch. This is not common in broken families and 50% of American marriages end in divorce.

Some cultures do a better job of parenting than other cultures. In my personal experience, White parents tend to be more money minded and less willing to inconvenience themselves for their adult children and vice versa.

That's amazing. You literally don't believe that dysfunctional "intact" families exist. You believe that families -- so long as there is not divorce -- cannot be involved in abuse of children (including psychological), that there are not parents who drive their biological children to be like them at the expense of the children's mental health, that Bad Things Do Not Happen to kids unless their parents are divorced.

That's really quite amazing.