My adult step-daughter wants to move in with us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't the PPs open their homes to a freeloading young woman???

This isn't a random woman; it is her husband's daughter.

DP here. Yes, she's the husband's daughter but she isn't the OP's problem. Why should the onus fall on OP to help her to launch? How can an early-20s young adult be comfortable not having a college degree and no work history to their name? What does she expect to do in her 40s and 50s? Still be camping at the OP's? Give me a break. So many people just slamming OP because she's a stepmom but if the genders were reversed, it wouldn't even be a question. OP is honest about not wanting her life upended at home and yet she gets vilified for thinking about her marriage dynamics? SMH.

Gender has nothing to do with it. OP married a man with a daughter who needs her father to step up right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't the PPs open their homes to a freeloading young woman???

This isn't a random woman; it is her husband's daughter.

DP here. Yes, she's the husband's daughter but she isn't the OP's problem. Why should the onus fall on OP to help her to launch? How can an early-20s young adult be comfortable not having a college degree and no work history to their name? What does she expect to do in her 40s and 50s? Still be camping at the OP's? Give me a break. So many people just slamming OP because she's a stepmom but if the genders were reversed, it wouldn't even be a question. OP is honest about not wanting her life upended at home and yet she gets vilified for thinking about her marriage dynamics? SMH.

Gender has nothing to do with it. OP married a man with a daughter who needs her father to step up right now.

Rescuing her by giving her a new place to live is not stepping up or helping as he is undermining mom's rules and expectations. Adult child has a place to live. Mom is asking her to get a job and she's refusing. It will not be different at Dad's house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What bio parents do for young adult kids in these situations. My BIL bought his DS, 22 a house where he lives with his 20 year old sister. Closer to sister's college. Nephew is working at a small store, has issues too, learning and parents were also legally separated. His dd is in college and going slowly to intern for some political career. Both bio parents are on board with this arrangement, as BIL can afford it and their kids need help. Nobody has criticized their decision or told them to kick the adult kids to the curb. There is no step parents involved. We are all glad BIL is taking care of his son and daughter, and hope thing will work out after college didn't. They are not immigrants, white Americans for generations. This is a story I see in any families, my dd is here for the weekend from college to get some sleep. My ds in college worked one summer and earned a ton, one summer he was struggling with depression and anxiety(he has been struggling since 4 years old with these, I post on SN forum a lot) and we encouraged him to get treatment and not to work, he trained for his sport(college athlete) and he recovered and is now doing really well as a junior in college. This is what bio parents do, we never give up on our kids. Do we wish things were better, yes, but we help all the time as much as we can. One day, OP, you will do all this for your bio kid, try to be emphatic for your husband and his daughter. Nobody wants their kids to fail, but when they do we pick up the pieces, we always pick up the pieces as long as we live, if we are a normal functioning loving family.

This has nothing to do with the topic. Adult child is living with mom. Mom is not kicking her out. The adult child you are referring to is working and needs support. Different situation.

[Anonymous]

She is leaving mom's house because she did not like that her mom was pressuring her to get a job? Sounds like she is ping poinging between parents to avoid adulthood.

IF you allow her to move in, she should have a job and/or be enrolled in school BEFORE she moves in with you and charge her rent.

[Anonymous]

? How is she 22 and never had a job??? That’s a big problem. Your husband and her mother made a big mistake, no wonder she doesn’t want to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:? How is she 22 and never had a job??? That’s a big problem. Your husband and her mother made a big mistake, no wonder she doesn’t want to work.

+1

[Anonymous]

People conflate two different aspects:

1. DH supporting daughter by making sure she has a safe place to sleep and food to eat.

2. DD, as a grown adult, needs to be doing something to move forward: participating in therapy at a minimum, and/or part-time work at minimum, and/or part-time school at a minimum.

It's perfectly okay to provide the first and expect the second as a part of the process. Enabling regressive habits on its own is not being supportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What bio parents do for young adult kids in these situations. My BIL bought his DS, 22 a house where he lives with his 20 year old sister. Closer to sister's college. Nephew is working at a small store, has issues too, learning and parents were also legally separated. His dd is in college and going slowly to intern for some political career. Both bio parents are on board with this arrangement, as BIL can afford it and their kids need help. Nobody has criticized their decision or told them to kick the adult kids to the curb. There is no step parents involved. We are all glad BIL is taking care of his son and daughter, and hope thing will work out after college didn't. They are not immigrants, white Americans for generations. This is a story I see in any families, my dd is here for the weekend from college to get some sleep. My ds in college worked one summer and earned a ton, one summer he was struggling with depression and anxiety(he has been struggling since 4 years old with these, I post on SN forum a lot) and we encouraged him to get treatment and not to work, he trained for his sport(college athlete) and he recovered and is now doing really well as a junior in college. This is what bio parents do, we never give up on our kids. Do we wish things were better, yes, but we help all the time as much as we can. One day, OP, you will do all this for your bio kid, try to be emphatic for your husband and his daughter. Nobody wants their kids to fail, but when they do we pick up the pieces, we always pick up the pieces as long as we live, if we are a normal functioning loving family.

This has nothing to do with the topic. Adult child is living with mom. Mom is not kicking her out. The adult child you are referring to is working and needs support. Different situation.

Not different at all. It isn't like nephew was working the whole time. There was the drugs and not doing anything period of time too. OP's stepdd needs support, OP would not blink and do all this for her kid, she just doesn't get it yet. She is jealous of her dh's dd. It makes her look petty and insecure.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Let her move in, and help her come up with a plan moving forward. What's wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We faced a similar dilemma. Compromised by providing very nice, deluxe tent in backyard (safe, secure, and quite comfortable) and twice-daily access to (indoor) bathroom. TIA

I hope this is a joke....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What bio parents do for young adult kids in these situations. My BIL bought his DS, 22 a house where he lives with his 20 year old sister. Closer to sister's college. Nephew is working at a small store, has issues too, learning and parents were also legally separated. His dd is in college and going slowly to intern for some political career. Both bio parents are on board with this arrangement, as BIL can afford it and their kids need help. Nobody has criticized their decision or told them to kick the adult kids to the curb. There is no step parents involved. We are all glad BIL is taking care of his son and daughter, and hope thing will work out after college didn't. They are not immigrants, white Americans for generations. This is a story I see in any families, my dd is here for the weekend from college to get some sleep. My ds in college worked one summer and earned a ton, one summer he was struggling with depression and anxiety(he has been struggling since 4 years old with these, I post on SN forum a lot) and we encouraged him to get treatment and not to work, he trained for his sport(college athlete) and he recovered and is now doing really well as a junior in college. This is what bio parents do, we never give up on our kids. Do we wish things were better, yes, but we help all the time as much as we can. One day, OP, you will do all this for your bio kid, try to be emphatic for your husband and his daughter. Nobody wants their kids to fail, but when they do we pick up the pieces, we always pick up the pieces as long as we live, if we are a normal functioning loving family.

This has nothing to do with the topic. Adult child is living with mom. Mom is not kicking her out. The adult child you are referring to is working and needs support. Different situation.

Not different at all. It isn't like nephew was working the whole time. There was the drugs and not doing anything period of time too. OP's stepdd needs support, OP would not blink and do all this for her kid, she just doesn't get it yet. She is jealous of her dh's dd. It makes her look petty and insecure.

Mom is not kicking child out. Child is having a tantrum as she doesn't like mom's rules. She needs to grow up, get a job and move on her own if she doesn't like the rules. She has never lived with Dad. Him rescuing her and letting her continue to behave this way would be bad parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What bio parents do for young adult kids in these situations. My BIL bought his DS, 22 a house where he lives with his 20 year old sister. Closer to sister's college. Nephew is working at a small store, has issues too, learning and parents were also legally separated. His dd is in college and going slowly to intern for some political career. Both bio parents are on board with this arrangement, as BIL can afford it and their kids need help. Nobody has criticized their decision or told them to kick the adult kids to the curb. There is no step parents involved. We are all glad BIL is taking care of his son and daughter, and hope thing will work out after college didn't. They are not immigrants, white Americans for generations. This is a story I see in any families, my dd is here for the weekend from college to get some sleep. My ds in college worked one summer and earned a ton, one summer he was struggling with depression and anxiety(he has been struggling since 4 years old with these, I post on SN forum a lot) and we encouraged him to get treatment and not to work, he trained for his sport(college athlete) and he recovered and is now doing really well as a junior in college. This is what bio parents do, we never give up on our kids. Do we wish things were better, yes, but we help all the time as much as we can. One day, OP, you will do all this for your bio kid, try to be emphatic for your husband and his daughter. Nobody wants their kids to fail, but when they do we pick up the pieces, we always pick up the pieces as long as we live, if we are a normal functioning loving family.

This has nothing to do with the topic. Adult child is living with mom. Mom is not kicking her out. The adult child you are referring to is working and needs support. Different situation.

Not different at all. It isn't like nephew was working the whole time. There was the drugs and not doing anything period of time too. OP's stepdd needs support, OP would not blink and do all this for her kid, she just doesn't get it yet. She is jealous of her dh's dd. It makes her look petty and insecure.

Unless this 22yo can pay her own bills and cook her own food and do her own laundry, OP shouldn't let her move in. I know young adults like these who just lounge around and don't contribute at home in any way. It's easy to close one eye if it's your own bio kid but not so much if it isn't. Fact of life.

[Anonymous]

Many 22 year olds are not yet 100% fully independent in every way.

In a few years, i am sure that the young adult in this case will be doing great and she will likely achieve that with or without her dad's support. He can choose OP over his daughter and refuse to support her or help her. She will remember that when she gets her feet underneath her and is doing fine. Who were the people who were there for her and who were the people who turned their backs on her. Maybe to keep OP happy, dad will turn his back on his daughter and tell her to kick rocks and never come to them for support or help. OP would be happy but dad will lose this relationship with his daughter. He may or may not be willing to do that.

and not being fully financially independent at 22 is not a sign you will be living in your parent's basement in your 40s and 50s. It means nothing about that at all.

OPs kid may do college but then what if he wants to come home after college? What if he too goes through a rough patch - will OP be disgusted with him and refuse to let him in the house? This is dad's bio daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many 22 year olds are not yet 100% fully independent in every way.

In a few years, i am sure that the young adult in this case will be doing great and she will likely achieve that with or without her dad's support. He can choose OP over his daughter and refuse to support her or help her. She will remember that when she gets her feet underneath her and is doing fine. Who were the people who were there for her and who were the people who turned their backs on her. Maybe to keep OP happy, dad will turn his back on his daughter and tell her to kick rocks and never come to them for support or help. OP would be happy but dad will lose this relationship with his daughter. He may or may not be willing to do that.

and not being fully financially independent at 22 is not a sign you will be living in your parent's basement in your 40s and 50s. It means nothing about that at all.

OPs kid may do college but then what if he wants to come home after college? What if he too goes through a rough patch - will OP be disgusted with him and refuse to let him in the house? This is dad's bio daughter.

Dad for what ever reason has not been the primary parent. Mom controlled everything. He probably had every other weekend visits at best. She is past college age. She lives with her mom and mom isn't kicking her out. She is having a tantrum because mom told her to get a job since she's not at school. Dad is not helping by taking her.

[Anonymous]

OP - she moved in. It's going ok. Taking it day by day. No job yet, but she has filled out some applications, so that's a start.