Reply to My adult step-daughter wants to move in with us

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is a child of a failed marriage,so I do not expect her to have a bright future. Cautionary tale of what  happens to the children of divorce, and why not to have kids with irresponsible people. These kids do not have the security of a roof over their head if something goes wrong!

This person is being discussed as if she is a burden on these people's life. I hope she does not have the misfortune to read this forum and self harm herself. [/quote]

This is well said and so true.  Op, I took my step daughter in (hate this wording) because her mother was a f g joke.  This poor girl poured her heart and soul into her relationship with her mother only to have that very same person toss her to the wind when my stepdaughter was clearly crying out for help.  Age is not an issue in some children of divorce, sometimes they just never adjusted and got the help or guidance they needed during or after the divorce process.  My step daughter at 19 ( one year into college) need therapy desperately, and we were thankfully able to help and give her that support.  She left her college and took community college courses until she was ready to transfer back into her four year university.  In all, she graduated with her degree in six years, with our support and guidance.  I treasure that time because I KNOW we were able to give her a lifeline she was seeking and we are a big part of the reason why she is now pursuing her graduate degree, is engaged to an amazing man and yes, gainfully employed.  I sleep better at night knowing she is secure and peaceful, and so does her father, my husband.  Was it a curveball I wasn't expecting, yes, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat.  I love, love, love having her at our family dinners and seeing that beautiful smiles. I only wish I had stepped in earlier.[/quote]

Would there have been any limits if she was not willing to go to therapy, or back to classes, or get a job? What were the boundaries? Just curious. And the question is for how long -- indefinitely, like years? Or what?

I think the OP's situation would be very different if the young woman was going to be doing community college classes and therapy.[/quote]

Obviously you have to set limits, but, I wouldn't do it as soon as she walks through the door.  She is already probably pretty low in the self esteem category of life, a little time to adjust to the new household and catch her breath.  Do you think she doesn't know she is letting people down, not to mention herself?  I think everyone deserves a chance to begin again and start over.  If drugs or something were involved I'd still want to help but would be stricter right at the start, but if not, I would focus on letting her know she has a safe place to sleep and a family that is there to support her and guide her with her next steps.[/quote]

Right, I get that, but we are not talking limits in front of her here. This is something your can clarify without offending her -- she isn't in the conversation. The question still stands.

So if she were coming because she was refusing to get a job OR go to classes and wouldn't go for therapy, practically speaking, what would your limits have been? How long like that could it reasonably drag on?

I get that your focus is on being supportive, and I appreciate that. I'm not asking you to set limits in front of her. I'm just asking how much time would be beyond the pale in that situation, without things changing?[/quote]

Okay, I see where you're coming from, let me start by saying I'm not entirely convinced she doesn't want to get a job or have a life outside of sitting on a couch.  But, if this is the situation, an agreement to engage with a therapist would be a requirement on moving in with my family.  I would explain to her over dinner with my husband, that we are they to help you get on your feet and don't want to throw too much at you but that we feel she may have some underlying issues (divorce, whatever) that have to be addressed if she wants to successfully move on with her life.  I'll bet at that moment you'll see a tear in her eye because someone sees she isn't a lazy kid, but someone who is broken and then I would affirm that it's okay to take sometime to create a fresh start.  Who knows, maybe she is depressed and needs to work through those emotions.  Once we had her in therapy say three or four sessions, and she is adapting to that, then I would enroll her in a class at a community college of her choosing.  If all continues to go well and she is finding her way, I would then help her with job applications to find a part time job.  I suspect she doesn't know how to move forward and is just loss.  [/quote]

I think you would be a wonderful resource as a mother to anyone.

If I read you right, no engagement with a therapist means no moving in with your family? And if she stopped therapy and still didn't want to pursue classes or work, then -- she has to leave?

I am asking because I think that is more likely the situation OP is entering (who knows, you always only get one side, but nonetheless). It is really nice to talk about being supportive and focus on that -- it's admirable! -- and it's also the easy part of this. I don't think it's fair to talk about OP's situation by saying what we would do in a different situation. I do, however, appreciate having both the, well, carrot and stick aspects addressed.

But it won't be useful (with a different kid) to just say "be positive!" In your own language, I'd say that isn't helping her with tools, or at least not a full set.[/quote]

Thank you.  I prefer these type of productive conversations on this board, something to give Op an opportunity to ponder her role in someone's future.  Quite simply, sometimes we all just want to be told it will be okay and know that we have people who care about us and our welfare.  I just don't see enough of this in my teenagers' friends families.  I wish we could get back to believing in our children/young adults and not judging them so harshly ( and I am no snowflake type of parent).  I just believe in life, we all make mistakes, we all have failures, but isn't it how we bounce back from these that proves how strong we can be?  Everyone deserves a second chance.[/quote]

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