My adult step-daughter wants to move in with us

[Anonymous]

I remember my sister and I were in step daughters shoes after we graduated from college at age 20 and 21.
We just wanted to sleep in and coast.
Mom made it very clear we had to get a job. I remember
it being rather unpleasant. Mom also woke us up at 6:30 am each day for weeks so we could job hunt. I remember a lot discussion in the home about jobs I was applying for so
parents knew I was looking.


Both my sister and I got jobs.

[Anonymous]

We found in my brother in law's place that the depression
magically went away when he got a job. He graduated
from college, drifted, was depressed because all of
his friends were getting married and all of his friends
had jobs. All we heard for months was how depressed he was.

He finally got a job and magically all of the depression went away.

It is kind of a chicken and an egg thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We found in my brother in law's place that the depression
magically went away when he got a job. He graduated
from college, drifted, was depressed because all of
his friends were getting married and all of his friends
had jobs. All we heard for months was how depressed he was.

He finally got a job and magically all of the depression went away.

It is kind of a chicken and an egg thing.

This is common in people of all ages.

How many threads have there been on this site about grown men becoming incredibly depressed while unemployed? This is human nature. Of course young 20-somethings aren’t magically immune.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - it is going very poorly. She's fighting with her Dad a lot now (no surprise, she was trying to get out from under her mom who was basically nice enough - just wanted her to get a job). Dad has the same approach - she can live with us but needs to get a job. She bristles when he brings it up and sometimes straight up yells at hm to stop pressuring her. Our house is like a pressure cooker now.

I knew this is several posts back from OP but Dad was doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Also, forgot to mention, have Dad or bio Mom take her
around to the military recruiters. All 4--army, navy,
air force and marines.

Dad made both my sister and I talk to the military recruiters
when we were unemployed and young.

She has a high school degree and she is not a felon so
she will qualify. They get a lot of kids like her.

[Anonymous]

Military?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she does end up moving in, OP, I think you have to have a hard conversation with DH about how this plays out. I don't think you have to be adversarial and get it in writing or anything, but you need to talk about:

What expectations on her are there, if anything?
- chores? (wash her own dishes?)
- rent? (ever?)
- come to family meals?
- use of tobacco, alcohol, marijuana, etc., in the house? (if not allowed, what are consequences?)
- tell you when she is going to be out late or all night?
- therapy?
- job, or job search, or school? (if none of the above happens, what's the consequences for her?

How long is this supposed to last?
And most importantly, at what point would her staying without work or school enrollment be beyond the pale?
- Such as, would it be "crazy" if she's living here a year from now without any change? If dad doesn't think that will happen, then it's worth talking NOW that that would, of course, therefore be beyond the pale.

If there is a clear time limit, what's the plan for making that happen?
- e.g., if nothing has changed in 6 months, is DH going to have an apartment with first month rent and deposit lied up? How ACTUALLY does the transition happen, if it needs to?

--

I'm a big believer in family, and helping out, and safe spaces. I think you can do that well only if you know the boundaries in advance. If you don't talk about what would be "beyond the pale" before you get started, there is often a slow creep into crazy that you never would have agreed to in the beginning. And there is a head-in-the-sand thing about saying "that's not going to happen."

I think it's reasonable, if you are an introvert and at a certain point, this would be a hard limit for you, to talk about something like -- "I get you think is is only for the next 3-4 months, until she gets her act together. I've seen things go differently than you expect. I just want to be clear that I support you in supporting your daughter, but if she is stays well beyond that -- which you say is not going to happen -- that would be something I never signed up for. I'm fine with scrimping and saving to pay for an apartment for the first month/half year/year/whatever, but I don't want to live with a third adult."

You have to be able later to say that "we had this conversation, and 3-4 months was reasonable, and that a year would be absolutely crazy. Well, we are at crazy, and something has to change. Doesn't matter how we got here -- you assured me over and over that we wouldn't, and here we are."

It's not about proving a point or ensuring an outcome. It's about framing what is reasonable before you get enmeshed, because if you have to make your own decisions, it won't come without any warning.

This was mine from page 6, and I stand by it. You can be warm and supportive, and still have boundaries. The trick (like with toddlers) is to avoid being angry or emotional, just matter of fact about how it works. And follow through.

[Anonymous]

Oh boy sorry did not see the post above!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Military?

Great opportunity for a lot of young people to learn trades, begin a career, and learn how to support themselves and learn life skills.

The military will also pay for and encourage college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Military?

She does not have a job now. She does not know how to support herself. She will learn these skills in the military.
There are a lot of good career paths in the military.

She does not seem to want to work retail or a restaurant or she would have already had one of those jobs.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just wanted to offer you support.

It is awesome that Dad and Bio Mom are on the same
page and that you are offering support.

[Anonymous]

...I think you've hit the nail on the head here. Has she been evaluated for depression? What does she do with her time?

I might advocate taking her in if she agreed to mental health treatment - whether it's medication, cognitive behavioral therapy or whatever. If she won't agree to that, it'd be a no. She may need to truly understand she has nowhere to go, no way to feed herself before she "wakes up" and gets it.

I get that your husband/EX W's therapist thinks they should stand firm, but is there some future re-evaluation?

I agree that she should be screened by mental health issues. What you describe just isn't typical. It could be that she may be suffering from some situation depression/anxiety but unless addressed, it could lead to something far more impactful. The longer it's left unaddressed, the longer it will take to recover from it. She needs help in identifying what's holding her back and help developing a plan to tackle it. Sometimes, it's better to have someone other than mom/dad to do the helping.

I also think talking to a military recruiter is a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

...I think you've hit the nail on the head here. Has she been evaluated for depression? What does she do with her time?

I might advocate taking her in if she agreed to mental health treatment - whether it's medication, cognitive behavioral therapy or whatever. If she won't agree to that, it'd be a no. She may need to truly understand she has nowhere to go, no way to feed herself before she "wakes up" and gets it.

I get that your husband/EX W's therapist thinks they should stand firm, but is there some future re-evaluation?

I agree that she should be screened by mental health issues. What you describe just isn't typical. It could be that she may be suffering from some situation depression/anxiety but unless addressed, it could lead to something far more impactful. The longer it's left unaddressed, the longer it will take to recover from it. She needs help in identifying what's holding her back and help developing a plan to tackle it. Sometimes, it's better to have someone other than mom/dad to do the helping.

I also think talking to a military recruiter is a good idea.

Are you kidding? Do you know ANYTHING about the military at all? You think this person has mental health issues but then advocate that they should go and talk to a recruiter. You obviously don't know that the military has standards. It isn't a dumping ground for society and parental failures.

I can see the recruiter right now: Recruiter: "So you want to join?" OP: "Yes, I have mental health issues, have no motivation, have been coddled and I want you to take care of me." Recruiter:''Let me sign you right up! I think you'd do great as a nuclear weapons specialist! Or better yet, a deployable medic!"

Have a little bit more respect for the qualities needed by people to serve in the armed forces.