My adult step-daughter wants to move in with us

[Anonymous]

She's not working. 22 years old. Stalled in life right now (never finished college). My husband says we will decide together. I do not want her moving back in with us. He's setting me up to be the bad guy (he knows I do not want her moving back in). What would you do?

[Anonymous]

For what it is worth we live in a very small house. She never lived with us for more than a weekend at a time as her mom had primary custody when they were kids. We get along fine, i just work too hard and have worked too hard for too long to get to this nice stage in our lives where we can relax and be ourselves to have the dynamic in our home upended.

[Anonymous]

I'd let her move in.

[Anonymous]

Tell her no, and also, go get a job.

Tell DH to get some balls.

But if you gotta be the bad guy, so be it.

[Anonymous]

You need to provide more information. Is your DH asking you to agree to a no-condition or time-limited move-in? Will she have to get a job and contribute? Does she need a plan to resume college or career training?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For what it is worth we live in a very small house. She never lived with us for more than a weekend at a time as her mom had primary custody when they were kids.

Why doesn't she go live with mom then?

[Anonymous]

Go to steptalk.org. Frankly, tell DH to set her up in an Apt with roommates on the cheap. She gets 6 months to get it together. Once she moves in, she isn’t leaving.

[Anonymous]

You’re cold, OP.

[Anonymous]

Need more background. How old was she when her parents divorced? How much custody and support did DH provide? We’re you the OW or rebound?

[Anonymous]

I'd only agree if everyone (your DH and step-daughter) understand that they are heavy strings attached to this arrangement.

Things I'd want to see:
-A plan to finish college somewhere close to your house.
-A job to help with expenses. If taking classes, it can be part time. If no classes, it needs to be full time.
-A financial plan to aid independence

At some point I'd also charge rent, but I'd prioritize finishing college right now. It will open doors and if she doesn't finish now she may never do it.

[Anonymous]

If she moves in she needs to pay fair market rent. You can save it if you'd like for when she moves out, but you don't need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to provide more information. Is your DH asking you to agree to a no-condition or time-limited move-in? Will she have to get a job and contribute? Does she need a plan to resume college or career training?

Doesn't matter. Once she's in the door, she can ignore any conditions you set, and what are you going to do? Kick her out? You know that's not going to happen.

Much easier to not let her move in with you in the first place than to kick her lazy non-contributing ass out once it's there.

[Anonymous]

I would let her move in for 3 months rent free. Thats enough time to get a job, put some money away and move onto the next step. I would be super friendly but remind everyone it has a time stamp of 90 days whenever I felt like anyone was pushing my boundaries. Thats his daughter. You have to compromise beyond your comfort zone. You can do it for 3 months.

[Anonymous]

Yes, and help her finish college.

[Anonymous]

OP - she has been staying with her mom. Her mom has been pressuring her to get a job, and I think that's wearing on her. I think she just wants to escape the pressure at her mom's. I do think she should get a job, but my husband wants to give her a little leeway to figure things out (he hopes she will re-enroll in January).