My adult step-daughter wants to move in with us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the important thing for you to understand that in this girl's mind, she's moving in with her dad. That's it. That you also live in this house isn't really a factor for her. This transaction is between father and daughter.

Well that’s a reason not to let her move in. It is OP’s house too. It’s not easy for grown women to share a house together. This “child” is a grown woman who needs to either go back to school and live in the dorms or get a job. She should not be lazing around her parents’ houses, not working, not going to school, using to their utilities and eating their food. Many biological mothers don’t want their kids moving back in. My sister didn’t even want her daughter who is a college junior living at home all summer because it’s her house and the daughter acts like she can do anything she wants and not answer to anyone.

Dad needs to have a come to Jesus conversation with his daughter and tell her her mom is right and she needs a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she does end up moving in, OP, I think you have to have a hard conversation with DH about how this plays out. I don't think you have to be adversarial and get it in writing or anything, but you need to talk about:

What expectations on her are there, if anything?
- chores? (wash her own dishes?)
- rent? (ever?)
- come to family meals?
- use of tobacco, alcohol, marijuana, etc., in the house? (if not allowed, what are consequences?)
- tell you when she is going to be out late or all night?
- therapy?
- job, or job search, or school? (if none of the above happens, what's the consequences for her?

How long is this supposed to last?
And most importantly, at what point would her staying without work or school enrollment be beyond the pale?
- Such as, would it be "crazy" if she's living here a year from now without any change? If dad doesn't think that will happen, then it's worth talking NOW that that would, of course, therefore be beyond the pale.

If there is a clear time limit, what's the plan for making that happen?
- e.g., if nothing has changed in 6 months, is DH going to have an apartment with first month rent and deposit lied up? How ACTUALLY does the transition happen, if it needs to?

--

I'm a big believer in family, and helping out, and safe spaces. I think you can do that well only if you know the boundaries in advance. If you don't talk about what would be "beyond the pale" before you get started, there is often a slow creep into crazy that you never would have agreed to in the beginning. And there is a head-in-the-sand thing about saying "that's not going to happen."

I think it's reasonable, if you are an introvert and at a certain point, this would be a hard limit for you, to talk about something like -- "I get you think is is only for the next 3-4 months, until she gets her act together. I've seen things go differently than you expect. I just want to be clear that I support you in supporting your daughter, but if she is stays well beyond that -- which you say is not going to happen -- that would be something I never signed up for. I'm fine with scrimping and saving to pay for an apartment for the first month/half year/year/whatever, but I don't want to live with a third adult."

You have to be able later to say that "we had this conversation, and 3-4 months was reasonable, and that a year would be absolutely crazy. Well, we are at crazy, and something has to change. Doesn't matter how we got here -- you assured me over and over that we wouldn't, and here we are."

It's not about proving a point or ensuring an outcome. It's about framing what is reasonable before you get enmeshed, because if you have to make your own decisions, it won't come without any warning.

This is beautiful, well-thought out advice.

OP, please take note.

+1. This is pretty solid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that you might not like her moving in. But children always come first. She comes before you. Always will. And I would personally divorce my second husband before he would try to tell me what to do with my children.

I am actually surprised you're only on your second husband.

You should be - since I'm still on husband #1.

Consider me shocked then. I know several couples with the "children" always first mentality. Funny how they're either miserable or divorced and the kids are brats.

Putting a 2nd spouse above kids of first spouse is COMPLETELY different than putting first marriage above kids. Kids don’t experience mom or dad as competition like they do a second spouse. One of the many reasons blended families are a really not at all ideal and should be avoided if at all possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that you might not like her moving in. But children always come first. She comes before you. Always will. And I would personally divorce my second husband before he would try to tell me what to do with my children.

I am actually surprised you're only on your second husband.

You should be - since I'm still on husband #1.

Consider me shocked then. I know several couples with the "children" always first mentality. Funny how they're either miserable or divorced and the kids are brats.

Putting a 2nd spouse above kids of first spouse is COMPLETELY different than putting first marriage above kids. Kids don’t experience mom or dad as competition like they do a second spouse. One of the many reasons blended families are a really not at all ideal and should be avoided if at all possible.

This child is an adult living with mom having a tantrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - she has been staying with her mom. Her mom has been pressuring her to get a job, and I think that's wearing on her. I think she just wants to escape the pressure at her mom's. I do think she should get a job, but my husband wants to give her a little leeway to figure things out (he hopes she will re-enroll in January).

I'd tell her that she can live with you, but on exactly the same terms as her mother set. She has to get a job. If she wants to go back to school, fine, but job first.

She'll stay at her Mom's house, because she just wants to get away from the pressure to get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's not working. 22 years old. Stalled in life right now (never finished college). My husband says we will decide together. I do not want her moving back in with us. He's setting me up to be the bad guy (he knows I do not want her moving back in). What would you do?

For everyone who missed it, OP does not WANT her to move in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the option for this young lady? Where can she stay? Will she become homeless? Get pregnant? Start selling her body? Get involved with gang members? Start cutting herself?

Stays with mom, gets a job, finishes her education.

[Anonymous]

Temp Agency, Temp Agency, Temp Agency

Kid signs up Friday has job on Monday.

I highly recommend this. I had a boss that made
her kids get temp agency jobs during the two
weeks off of college at Christmas and throughout
summers in college.

Dad and bio Mom have to work out where she lives
while she is doing temp work and saving money
to move out.

OP needs to support the Dad and bio Mom.

[Anonymous]

This is why step parents get a bad rap. OP doesn’t want DD of her DH to move in under any circumstances because her “peace” is at stake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why step parents get a bad rap. OP doesn’t want DD of her DH to move in under any circumstances because her “peace” is at stake.

Plus 1; Stepdaughter is family. Family supports family even if it means coming up with a plan and tough love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why step parents get a bad rap. OP doesn’t want DD of her DH to move in under any circumstances because her “peace” is at stake.

This adult child is living with her mother. She is having a temper tantrum because mom wants her to get a job and follow rules. This child has a place to live. This "child" has not lived with Dad and Stepmom and only had very limited visits. Mom created this disaster and let her fix it.

[Anonymous]

Op, you have an opportunity here to model to this young woman what an accomplished, self directed woman can be/do. Do you love your husband? I would welcome her into my home and help her get back into school and help her grow up. She needs this, she will always be your husband's daughter, always. You, however, do not always have to be his wife. Maybe you could be that person who makes a difference in this little girls (young woman's) life, she clearly needs someone who cares enough to guide her, be that person.

[Anonymous]

This is a child of a failed marriage,so I do not expect her to have a bright future. Cautionary tale of what happens to the children of divorce, and why not to have kids with irresponsible people. These kids do not have the security of a roof over their head if something goes wrong!

This person is being discussed as if she is a burden on these people's life. I hope she does not have the misfortune to read this forum and self harm herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a child of a failed marriage,so I do not expect her to have a bright future. Cautionary tale of what happens to the children of divorce, and why not to have kids with irresponsible people. These kids do not have the security of a roof over their head if something goes wrong!

This person is being discussed as if she is a burden on these people's life. I hope she does not have the misfortune to read this forum and self harm herself.

You think only "failed marriages" put limits on whether young adult children can live at home rent-free, without looking for a job, and without being in school? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a child of a failed marriage,so I do not expect her to have a bright future. Cautionary tale of what happens to the children of divorce, and why not to have kids with irresponsible people. These kids do not have the security of a roof over their head if something goes wrong!

This person is being discussed as if she is a burden on these people's life. I hope she does not have the misfortune to read this forum and self harm herself.

This is well said and so true. Op, I took my step daughter in (hate this wording) because her mother was a f g joke. This poor girl poured her heart and soul into her relationship with her mother only to have that very same person toss her to the wind when my stepdaughter was clearly crying out for help. Age is not an issue in some children of divorce, sometimes they just never adjusted and got the help or guidance they needed during or after the divorce process. My step daughter at 19 ( one year into college) need therapy desperately, and we were thankfully able to help and give her that support. She left her college and took community college courses until she was ready to transfer back into her four year university. In all, she graduated with her degree in six years, with our support and guidance. I treasure that time because I KNOW we were able to give her a lifeline she was seeking and we are a big part of the reason why she is now pursuing her graduate degree, is engaged to an amazing man and yes, gainfully employed. I sleep better at night knowing she is secure and peaceful, and so does her father, my husband. Was it a curveball I wasn't expecting, yes, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I love, love, love having her at our family dinners and seeing that beautiful smiles. I only wish I had stepped in earlier.