My adult step-daughter wants to move in with us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a child of a failed marriage,so I do not expect her to have a bright future. Cautionary tale of what happens to the children of divorce, and why not to have kids with irresponsible people. These kids do not have the security of a roof over their head if something goes wrong!

This person is being discussed as if she is a burden on these people's life. I hope she does not have the misfortune to read this forum and self harm herself.

You think only "failed marriages" put limits on whether young adult children can live at home rent-free, without looking for a job, and without being in school? Really?

Biological parents in intact marriages want their biological children to succeed. They get their children the help and support needed - logistical, therapy, monetary, educational- to see that they launch. This is not common in broken families and 50% of American marriages end in divorce.

Some cultures do a better job of parenting than other cultures. In my personal experience, White parents tend to be more money minded and less willing to inconvenience themselves for their adult children and vice versa.

That's amazing. You literally don't believe that dysfunctional "intact" families exist. You believe that families -- so long as there is not divorce -- cannot be involved in abuse of children (including psychological), that there are not parents who drive their biological children to be like them at the expense of the children's mental health, that Bad Things Do Not Happen to kids unless their parents are divorced.

That's really quite amazing.

Not a previous PP, but you are being extreme. Of course abuse, neglect, and crappy parenting can happen in two biological parent households. But kids of divorced parents have a harder road no matter how you slice it. Even if their parents are average-good, it is still a harder road for them with less feelings of security, less assets for them, more turmoil Maybe they dislike a stepparent, or one/both parent is very engaged in dating and finding a mate they become selfish and neglectful, or don't get along with a step sibling, or one parent had more kids and is too busy with the younger ones to give older/young adult proper guidance...so many variables come up making their road harder.

[Anonymous]

"Harder road" is not what PP claimed. She made it very black-and-white clear: Biological parents give support, non-biological do not.

I'm amazed at this, especially given the eloquent support just detailed in multiple posts by one stepmother above.

I'm not convinced that a woman who leaves a bad marriages and goes on to marry a stable, kind partner, isn't in a better position to support her children. Whatever problems there are, I don't think staying in an unhealthy and abusive relationship would have magically fixed them.

If you want to talk about trends, then do so. Don't phrase your claims as absolutes if they aren't. (Of course, that's less sexy and rhetorically powerful, but that's the breaks when you are honest.)

[Anonymous]

Right now I'm dating a divorced dad with a near-20-year-old who spends all day smoking weed in his bedroom.

Hope you're smart enough not to move in with the dad. Even if it's after the son has moved out, the son could want to move back in at any moment, and that would suck.

PPS: Just to be clear, I offer NO advice to his dad on what to do. Not my place.

If the kid moves out, and you decide to move in, better make it clear that the kid moving back in is a deal-breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a child of a failed marriage,so I do not expect her to have a bright future. Cautionary tale of what happens to the children of divorce, and why not to have kids with irresponsible people. These kids do not have the security of a roof over their head if something goes wrong!

This person is being discussed as if she is a burden on these people's life. I hope she does not have the misfortune to read this forum and self harm herself.

You think only "failed marriages" put limits on whether young adult children can live at home rent-free, without looking for a job, and without being in school? Really?

Biological parents in intact marriages want their biological children to succeed. They get their children the help and support needed - logistical, therapy, monetary, educational- to see that they launch. This is not common in broken families and 50% of American marriages end in divorce.

Some cultures do a better job of parenting than other cultures. In my personal experience, White parents tend to be more money minded and less willing to inconvenience themselves for their adult children and vice versa.

My child is not my biological child. So, we don’t want her to succeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Right now I'm dating a divorced dad with a near-20-year-old who spends all day smoking weed in his bedroom.

Hope you're smart enough not to move in with the dad. Even if it's after the son has moved out, the son could want to move back in at any moment, and that would suck.

PPS: Just to be clear, I offer NO advice to his dad on what to do. Not my place.

If the kid moves out, and you decide to move in, better make it clear that the kid moving back in is a deal-breaker.

Nope, no need. This is a time-limited relationship, and as someone who divorced after a long marriage, that's exactly what I wanted for now.

The house is being renovated to sell, and he is moving a few states away within the year. I am staying at my dream job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Harder road" is not what PP claimed. She made it very black-and-white clear: Biological parents give support, non-biological do not.

I'm amazed at this, especially given the eloquent support just detailed in multiple posts by one stepmother above.

I'm not convinced that a woman who leaves a bad marriages and goes on to marry a stable, kind partner, isn't in a better position to support her children. Whatever problems there are, I don't think staying in an unhealthy and abusive relationship would have magically fixed them.

If you want to talk about trends, then do so. Don't phrase your claims as absolutes if they aren't. (Of course, that's less sexy and rhetorically powerful, but that's the breaks when you are honest.)

The OP if this thread does not want her non-biological step daughter to move in. Case closed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a child of a failed marriage,so I do not expect her to have a bright future. Cautionary tale of what happens to the children of divorce, and why not to have kids with irresponsible people. These kids do not have the security of a roof over their head if something goes wrong!

This person is being discussed as if she is a burden on these people's life. I hope she does not have the misfortune to read this forum and self harm herself.

You think only "failed marriages" put limits on whether young adult children can live at home rent-free, without looking for a job, and without being in school? Really?

Biological parents in intact marriages want their biological children to succeed. They get their children the help and support needed - logistical, therapy, monetary, educational- to see that they launch. This is not common in broken families and 50% of American marriages end in divorce.

Some cultures do a better job of parenting than other cultures. In my personal experience, White parents tend to be more money minded and less willing to inconvenience themselves for their adult children and vice versa.

My child is not my biological child. So, we don’t want her to succeed.

Probably not. Unless you adopted her because you had fertility issue or did not have a partner or you are actually a good and kind person unlike OP?

[Anonymous]

This is not really a "step" issue. People have different ideas about when/if/how to support their adult children, even as bio parents.

It is no gift to the daughter at 22 to let her move in and float her. If she's not sure what she wants to do in life--no problem, no judgment. Not sure what you want to study or if college is for you? Fine. But get a job and pay your bills.

So I would not want her moving in. And on top of it, I agree with a PP that if you are "kind" and let her move in, if this drags on and you're done, you will look like the monster kicking her out.

Kindness doesn't mean no boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Harder road" is not what PP claimed. She made it very black-and-white clear: Biological parents give support, non-biological do not.

I'm amazed at this, especially given the eloquent support just detailed in multiple posts by one stepmother above.

I'm not convinced that a woman who leaves a bad marriages and goes on to marry a stable, kind partner, isn't in a better position to support her children. Whatever problems there are, I don't think staying in an unhealthy and abusive relationship would have magically fixed them.

If you want to talk about trends, then do so. Don't phrase your claims as absolutes if they aren't. (Of course, that's less sexy and rhetorically powerful, but that's the breaks when you are honest.)

The OP if this thread does not want her non-biological step daughter to move in. Case closed.

One person, and on an anonymous forum at that, means you can extrapolate a blanket statement about huge numbers of people?

Your math is interesting. Your logical deductive skills even moreso. Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

When this girl’s father married OP, she apparently lost a father.....

There are great stepmothers out there and lots of bad ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When this girl’s father married OP, she apparently lost a father.....

There are great stepmothers out there and lots of bad ones.

Just selfish people who mess up their kids for ever. I am not surprised that the 22 year old DD is not thriving. How can she? She is the kid from a broken home and her dad has moved on with a selfish witch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a child of a failed marriage,so I do not expect her to have a bright future. Cautionary tale of what happens to the children of divorce, and why not to have kids with irresponsible people. These kids do not have the security of a roof over their head if something goes wrong!

This person is being discussed as if she is a burden on these people's life. I hope she does not have the misfortune to read this forum and self harm herself.

You think only "failed marriages" put limits on whether young adult children can live at home rent-free, without looking for a job, and without being in school? Really?

Biological parents in intact marriages want their biological children to succeed. They get their children the help and support needed - logistical, therapy, monetary, educational- to see that they launch. This is not common in broken families and 50% of American marriages end in divorce.

Some cultures do a better job of parenting than other cultures. In my personal experience, White parents tend to be more money minded and less willing to inconvenience themselves for their adult children and vice versa.

That's amazing. You literally don't believe that dysfunctional "intact" families exist. You believe that families -- so long as there is not divorce -- cannot be involved in abuse of children (including psychological), that there are not parents who drive their biological children to be like them at the expense of the children's mental health, that Bad Things Do Not Happen to kids unless their parents are divorced.

That's really quite amazing.

Not a previous PP, but you are being extreme. Of course abuse, neglect, and crappy parenting can happen in two biological parent households. But kids of divorced parents have a harder road no matter how you slice it. Even if their parents are average-good, it is still a harder road for them with less feelings of security, less assets for them, more turmoil Maybe they dislike a stepparent, or one/both parent is very engaged in dating and finding a mate they become selfish and neglectful, or don't get along with a step sibling, or one parent had more kids and is too busy with the younger ones to give older/young adult proper guidance...so many variables come up making their road harder.

All of this - I am a child of a run of the mill, we don't like each other anymore divorced parents. Every single point made here (except the addition of more kids) was true in my case, growing up. Short of abuse (which hasn't been an issue 13 years in), I will do whatever I can to not split up my family, for the sake of my kids. I am also a step parent of grown children, throughout their teens and into young adulthood, I have taken the role as supporting my husbands decision as he co-parented with their mother. But he is also very pragmatic in decision making when it comes to them so we haven't had any life changing issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When this girl’s father married OP, she apparently lost a father.....

There are great stepmothers out there and lots of bad ones.

Just selfish people who mess up their kids for ever. I am not surprised that the 22 year old DD is not thriving. How can she? She is the kid from a broken home and her dad has moved on with a selfish witch!

The grown daughter wants to move out of her current house because she doesn't want to hear her OWN BIOLOGICAL mother telling her to get a job, but the stepmom is the witch? Ok then.

The best thing a parent can do for a child is to teach them how to take care of themselves when they become adults. Constantly coddling them doesn't help that adult child. It's like the affluenza parent who probably thought they were being good parents for bailing their kid out of trouble every time, but most reasonable, loving parents see that as actually hurting the child in the end.

[Anonymous]

I think this can all be solved if dad says "you can move in if you promise to either a) re-enroll in school within 3 months, or b) get a job within 3 months". Bet you anything stepdaughter will no longer want to move in. And if she does move in and is actually motivated to get a job and a life, it's a win for everyone - she will make friends and/or have money and I'm guessing she will want to live someplace a little more fun and enjoyable than dad and stepmom's tiny house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this can all be solved if dad says "you can move in if you promise to either a) re-enroll in school within 3 months, or b) get a job within 3 months". Bet you anything stepdaughter will no longer want to move in. And if she does move in and is actually motivated to get a job and a life, it's a win for everyone - she will make friends and/or have money and I'm guessing she will want to live someplace a little more fun and enjoyable than dad and stepmom's tiny house.

I'm not even sure why you would give her 3 months to get a job. She can walk over to numerous retail stores and have a job within days. Some places are so desperate for workers they are hiring on the spot.