My adult step-daughter wants to move in with us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For what it is worth we live in a very small house. She never lived with us for more than a weekend at a time as her mom had primary custody when they were kids. We get along fine, i just work too hard and have worked too hard for too long to get to this nice stage in our lives where we can relax and be ourselves to have the dynamic in our home upended.

Well...you did marry a man with a kid, so you never should have counted on that guarantee. Especially before they were all established in adulthood. Your concerns are valid, sure. But your DH has a responsibility to parent his child, and even though she's a young adult it will serve her much better if she has support right now. You certainly don't need to be a doormat, but I do think being generous while helping her launch will go a long way toward family happiness down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - she has been staying with her mom. Her mom has been pressuring her to get a job, and I think that's wearing on her. I think she just wants to escape the pressure at her mom's. I do think she should get a job, but my husband wants to give her a little leeway to figure things out (he hopes she will re-enroll in January).

He can not "hope". He must insist as the price for living with him. And her mother is correct, she should have a job until January.

[Anonymous]

What would you tell your biological 22 year old daughter?

Frankly, 22 isn't ridiculously old to want to move home. I would make any child work, go to school (or trade school), etc. But I would always provide a home for my children. That's what parents do!

[Anonymous]

She should get a job, there should be a conversation she has with her dad and her mom. You should stay out of it. Your DH needs to call his ex and they need to meet with dd and explain what they should think is the best next step for her. Sounds like a total failure to launch, and you don't want to get the blame for the fall out. Tell dh to act polite and ask his ex what is going on, rather than act like a benevolent savior to adult dd. Conclusion should be that she can move in, or stay with mom, but needs to get a job, even at a grocery store at first.

[Anonymous]

Listen. The conversation now is about wether you will let her move in. If you will do a nice thing for her.

After she moves in, if you ever want her to leave, the conversation will be about you kicking her out onto the street. No matter how long she’s lived with you, the moment you decide to revisit the decision, you will be the monster that’s trying to kick her out of her home. There will be no gratitude for the months/years she’s lived with you. (Along the same lines, letting her move in for 6 months is a meaningless distinction for the reasons listed above. When the 6 months are up, she won’t ask to stay longer, it will be assumed that she can stay longer because she lives there.)
You either need to be okay with her staying indefinitely or not let her move in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would you tell your biological 22 year old daughter?

Frankly, 22 isn't ridiculously old to want to move home. I would make any child work, go to school (or trade school), etc. But I would always provide a home for my children. That's what parents do!

Well...my parents had a rule that we all moved out when we were 18 so I'm not sure my opinion would be different. I guess I grew up more independent and have that as my mindset. But you make a good point that parents need to provide a home for their kid. Her problem is she does not want to work. Her mom told us she spends all day at home (no local friends - they're all away at school). She has applied to a few jobs but hasn't had any luck. This would be her first job so she doesn't have any work experience.

[Anonymous]

oh hell no

tell her you will give her one month's security deposit for an apartment

she needs to find a room in a group house

[Anonymous]

I bet you if she was your dd you would let her move in. You don't have any kids, right? You have no idea what it means to be a parent, as shown by your clueless post about working hard and wanting cozy time with dh and relaxing. Parents learn to enjoy relaxed time with their adult kids around. That post made me really dislike you, so clueless.

[Anonymous]

You post in relationship forum, not in family, you don't see her as family, but she is a dd to your dh. I take back all my reasonable advice about a hard talk with mom and dad, so you stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For what it is worth we live in a very small house. She never lived with us for more than a weekend at a time as her mom had primary custody when they were kids. We get along fine, i just work too hard and have worked too hard for too long to get to this nice stage in our lives where we can relax and be ourselves to have the dynamic in our home upended.

Do you have a room and a bathroom that could be just hers?

[Anonymous]

OP you can only let her move in if she goes back to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - she has been staying with her mom. Her mom has been pressuring her to get a job, and I think that's wearing on her. I think she just wants to escape the pressure at her mom's. I do think she should get a job, but my husband wants to give her a little leeway to figure things out (he hopes she will re-enroll in January).

This is aHUGE red flag. If you and your DH are not on the same page about the conditions of her living with you, it will destroy your marriage. You’re going to be the odd one out when your DH agrees with SD that she doesn’t need a job and can stay forever. It will only get harder after she obese in. Figure out exact expectations BEFORE she moves in with you. It’s a good idea to write this down and make it something her mom, dad AND you agree to.

I also think it’s a bad idea to undermine her mom by letting her move in with you without a job plan. Both parents need to be on the same page.

[Anonymous]

You've barely had ANY step-parenting responsibilities so far, so yeah, I think that you do need to step up and realize that this phase of her life might require more from you. But I agree with other posters that your DH and his ex need to decide together how to approach the situation. It sounds like she's depressed or otherwise struggling.

I would let her move in contingent on #1, getting therapy; #2, getting a job, any job; #3, staying for a limited time period.

For whatever reason, your husband's child is not able to be self-supporting. This is a big problem, and you can't expect your husband to play no role in solving it, including a limited time period of her living at his home.

[Anonymous]

Let her move in so long as she is enrolled at least part-time in college. If enrolled less than full-time, then she gets a job. Rent will be a percent of her take-home pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let her move in so long as she is enrolled at least part-time in college. If enrolled less than full-time, then she gets a job. Rent will be a percent of her take-home pay.

Also want to add that if you say no, it will damage their relationship, which in turn will damage your relationship because he will blame you (rightfully so).