My adult step-daughter wants to move in with us

[Anonymous]

She can move in once she has a full time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For what it is worth we live in a very small house. She never lived with us for more than a weekend at a time as her mom had primary custody when they were kids. We get along fine, i just work too hard and have worked too hard for too long to get to this nice stage in our lives where we can relax and be ourselves to have the dynamic in our home upended.

Well...you did marry a man with a kid, so you never should have counted on that guarantee. Especially before they were all established in adulthood. Your concerns are valid, sure. But your DH has a responsibility to parent his child, and even though she's a young adult it will serve her much better if she has support right now. You certainly don't need to be a doormat, but I do think being generous while helping her launch will go a long way toward family happiness down the road.

This is not a child. This is a grown up who is not employed in a great economy. And not in school. Mom is urging her to get a job and instead of doing so she is trying to loaf off dad instead

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For what it is worth we live in a very small house. She never lived with us for more than a weekend at a time as her mom had primary custody when they were kids. We get along fine, i just work too hard and have worked too hard for too long to get to this nice stage in our lives where we can relax and be ourselves to have the dynamic in our home upended.

Well...you did marry a man with a kid, so you never should have counted on that guarantee. Especially before they were all established in adulthood. Your concerns are valid, sure. But your DH has a responsibility to parent his child, and even though she's a young adult it will serve her much better if she has support right now. You certainly don't need to be a doormat, but I do think being generous while helping her launch will go a long way toward family happiness down the road.

This is not a child. This is a grown up who is not employed in a great economy. And not in school. Mom is urging her to get a job and instead of doing so she is trying to loaf off dad instead

She's only 22, and she's still her DH's child. That never changes. As much as OP would love to be the "tough love" adult here, that's just not her role. The best she can do is go to a family therapist with her DH to figure out some boundaries. But if OP's position is that she will never have to do anything to support her stepchild now that she is over 18 - not good.

[Anonymous]

HELL NO. Hard stop.

[Anonymous]

I'd let her move in IF she re enrolls in college, finishes, pays rent, and is out in x amount of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For what it is worth we live in a very small house. She never lived with us for more than a weekend at a time as her mom had primary custody when they were kids. We get along fine, i just work too hard and have worked too hard for too long to get to this nice stage in our lives where we can relax and be ourselves to have the dynamic in our home upended.

That's the bummer about divorce and remarriage--for the kids of the former marriage(s).

The adults tend to find happiness, new families and routines and dynamics, yet the kids from the former marriage usually end up in a worse situation.

If this was your daughter, from your first marriage, and you were still in that marriage, it's likely a non-issue.

I feel bad for her.

[Anonymous]

She will be his child for as long as he is alive. If he has any love for her, he will put her before you. Beware OP, he is already doing it.

[Anonymous]

Be nice, it’s his daughter! Kindness always wins. You have her Dad, nice house, nice life, think about sharing and just let her come. Maybe she needs you!

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have children?

Do you have a spare room and bathroom that she could use?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For what it is worth we live in a very small house. She never lived with us for more than a weekend at a time as her mom had primary custody when they were kids. We get along fine, i just work too hard and have worked too hard for too long to get to this nice stage in our lives where we can relax and be ourselves to have the dynamic in our home upended.

Well...you did marry a man with a kid, so you never should have counted on that guarantee. Especially before they were all established in adulthood. Your concerns are valid, sure. But your DH has a responsibility to parent his child, and even though she's a young adult it will serve her much better if she has support right now. You certainly don't need to be a doormat, but I do think being generous while helping her launch will go a long way toward family happiness down the road.

This is not a child. This is a grown up who is not employed in a great economy. And not in school. Mom is urging her to get a job and instead of doing so she is trying to loaf off dad instead

She's only 22, and she's still her DH's child. That never changes. As much as OP would love to be the "tough love" adult here, that's just not her role. The best she can do is go to a family therapist with her DH to figure out some boundaries. But if OP's position is that she will never have to do anything to support her stepchild now that she is over 18 - not good.

OP here. I didn't say i wouldn't support a kid over 18. I was just raised in a family where we had to move out at 18. I have three jobs (one full-time and two part-time) and it is nice to come home and be able to relax with my husband. We've had a certain dynamic in the house for about 4 years now that has been calm and relaxed and that's partially why i am able to keep up my work schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be nice, it’s his daughter! Kindness always wins. You have her Dad, nice house, nice life, think about sharing and just let her come. Maybe she needs you!

That's a good point...OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For what it is worth we live in a very small house. She never lived with us for more than a weekend at a time as her mom had primary custody when they were kids. We get along fine, i just work too hard and have worked too hard for too long to get to this nice stage in our lives where we can relax and be ourselves to have the dynamic in our home upended.

Sorry that it's such an inconvenience that your DH already had children. But it sounds like he didn't get much chance to parent his DD, and she didn't get much parenting from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For what it is worth we live in a very small house. She never lived with us for more than a weekend at a time as her mom had primary custody when they were kids. We get along fine, i just work too hard and have worked too hard for too long to get to this nice stage in our lives where we can relax and be ourselves to have the dynamic in our home upended.

Well...you did marry a man with a kid, so you never should have counted on that guarantee. Especially before they were all established in adulthood. Your concerns are valid, sure. But your DH has a responsibility to parent his child, and even though she's a young adult it will serve her much better if she has support right now. You certainly don't need to be a doormat, but I do think being generous while helping her launch will go a long way toward family happiness down the road.

This is not a child. This is a grown up who is not employed in a great economy. And not in school. Mom is urging her to get a job and instead of doing so she is trying to loaf off dad instead

She's only 22, and she's still her DH's child. That never changes. As much as OP would love to be the "tough love" adult here, that's just not her role. The best she can do is go to a family therapist with her DH to figure out some boundaries. But if OP's position is that she will never have to do anything to support her stepchild now that she is over 18 - not good.

NP. Ugh. Some of you are so clueless. The girl isn't asking to move in while she attends school or saves up to movie out. She doesn't like the limits set by her mom so she wants to loaf around. Allowing an adult to olay two divorced parents off each other is not "parenting". The bio mom is parenting by setting reasonable limits. Dad is wanting to be the hero good guy by letting daughter escape that part of growing up. It's not supporting her or being generous. It's giving in for the sake of his own emotions. And the fact that OP can tell he's setting her up to be the bad guy means he's also a bit of a coward.

Step mom is watching this ridiculousness play out. She knows it's not her role to tell dad how to "parent", but it affects her, too.

Maybe dad and bio mom should talk to figure out what is really going on with DD and what will actually help. At this point going against the moms wishes at the daughter's request just seems foolish, and like terrible parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For what it is worth we live in a very small house. She never lived with us for more than a weekend at a time as her mom had primary custody when they were kids. We get along fine, i just work too hard and have worked too hard for too long to get to this nice stage in our lives where we can relax and be ourselves to have the dynamic in our home upended.

Well...you did marry a man with a kid, so you never should have counted on that guarantee. Especially before they were all established in adulthood. Your concerns are valid, sure. But your DH has a responsibility to parent his child, and even though she's a young adult it will serve her much better if she has support right now. You certainly don't need to be a doormat, but I do think being generous while helping her launch will go a long way toward family happiness down the road.

This is not a child. This is a grown up who is not employed in a great economy. And not in school. Mom is urging her to get a job and instead of doing so she is trying to loaf off dad instead

She's only 22, and she's still her DH's child. That never changes. As much as OP would love to be the "tough love" adult here, that's just not her role. The best she can do is go to a family therapist with her DH to figure out some boundaries. But if OP's position is that she will never have to do anything to support her stepchild now that she is over 18 - not good.

NP. Ugh. Some of you are so clueless. The girl isn't asking to move in while she attends school or saves up to movie out. She doesn't like the limits set by her mom so she wants to loaf around. Allowing an adult to olay two divorced parents off each other is not "parenting". The bio mom is parenting by setting reasonable limits. Dad is wanting to be the hero good guy by letting daughter escape that part of growing up. It's not supporting her or being generous. It's giving in for the sake of his own emotions. And the fact that OP can tell he's setting her up to be the bad guy means he's also a bit of a coward.

Step mom is watching this ridiculousness play out. She knows it's not her role to tell dad how to "parent", but it affects her, too.

Maybe dad and bio mom should talk to figure out what is really going on with DD and what will actually help. At this point going against the moms wishes at the daughter's request just seems foolish, and like terrible parenting.

Agreed. No job? Not going to school? What is she doing with her free time? Who is funding her lifestyle? If she is moving in, she needs to have a plan - getting a job within 3 months, going back to school for the spring semester, etc. I am from a country where people live with their parents until they marry but there is NO way I would have been allowed to drop out and not have a job.

[Anonymous]

It really shouldn't take that long for a 22 year old with no degree to find a job, any job (retail, etc.). She can then use her spare time to focus on finding a better job.