What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
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Anonymous
No more or less than single dads. With the divorce rate there's no shortage of them hooking up and re-marriage. |
Anonymous
If you read my follow up post you would know that my ex inappropriately introduced a gf to my children when they first started dating, and they did not like it. Not one bit. All this love them as your own and you get to parent them, too, stuff will not fly with tweens and teens who are tightly bonded with their mother. Here, OP's dad walked out on the family while the mom was still trying. The kids will have picked up on that even if the mom never said a thing to them (as I haven't). I think 6 months is too soon to introduce someone. I also made clear I hold myself and whomever I may date to the same standards. I will not be asking anyone to move in or get married until the kids leave for college. Their dad is their dad, and NO ONE is going to replace him as their father. Anyone I date will have to deal with that (luckily, the guy I am dating now is in the same boat so we understand each other on this). Sorry, but when you date someone coming out of a 20-25 year marriage, you don't get to pretend that the marriage didn't happen and that there is not an established family unit. My kids are not bratty; the nanny example I gave was to support the statement that they are not confused in any way about who their mother is and will resent anyone who tries to play mom who isn't me. They absolutely will stick up for me and have no patience for adults who try to mess around with them on this. My ex-MIL made that mistake and has paid for it with one of my kids ever since. OP should tread lightly with these kids. They have been through enough. |
Anonymous
I think your kids sound rude. Their dad introduced them to someone early, which makes it acceptable for them to be brats to anyone else he introduces? Their bond to you is so tight that it does not allow for them even being nice to anyone else, ever? Step-parents replace biological parents? In what situations do you believe that it is appropriate for a person to ask for a divorce? Do both people have to agree that it's time, or is it acceptable for one person to be ready to divorce when the other one is "still trying"? How would you personally define "still trying"? |
Anonymous
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After 6 mo it's quite reasonable to introduce her especially since it seems to be getting quite serious.
An ex doesn't get a say as to when the kids should be introduced. Apparently OP and the father felt it was about time. You can do all the right things and the kids may or may not like the new step parent. Of course the step parent may not like the kids, or down the road the relationship could change for the better or worse. Doesn't matter because kids don't get to pick their parents spouse...just like the parent doesn't get to pick their kids spouse someday. Everyone needs to be cordial and respect each other's boundaries, that's the big one. |
Anonymous
PP here. There is a fundamental difference between what you just wrote and what I am trying to explain. When it comes to the big things, most importantly time and money, kids will trump the step parent. It is a horrifically shitty thing to liquidate a child's college fund to fund a new house for example (ahem, DAD). But I'm not even talking in those extremes. I am talking through time commitments and energy and really money because yes, it's not just toys. Sports are expensive. Tutoring is expensive. Camps. Just keeping them fed and alive. All of that is going to come first. Now, I am doing this alone, so my perspective is different in the sense that I don't get a visitation weekend or split time, but I really, really find it difficult for anyone to have any expectation that they would not necessarily need to curtail their life and needs in response to the demands of children as a step parent. That's just the deal if you are with someone who values being a parent. You are going to have to swallow your pride and deal with the trade offs of parenting without actually being a parent. It's a difficult selfless thing and for the people who I've seen it work with, they go in wide, wide open. They know the demands in terms of money, time, etc. They are flexible about holidays and vacations. They open their homes to their step children because it's their father's home. It's difficult stuff and from my experience as an adult, I don't have a deep relationship with either of my parents because they married people who wanted to pretend as though the children were just mistakes. My step mother actually had more kids with my father, clearly favors her kids (for example my place to sleep when I visited? A pull out. Her kids? Three single bedrooms. I went there every other weekend and for a month during the summer, which sucked, particularly as a teenage girl). Anyway, TL DR kids come first. Choose differently at your own peril. |
Anonymous
That 20 year marriage is over, it's in the past. Apparently the ex wants to move on and if his kids are brats then he needs to correct them. If they don't like his new gf, then too bad that's on them. If she becomes the wife or move in she will be the other parent in the home so they'd better suck it up. |
Anonymous
I am not going to engage with you in a debate about my children, whom you do not know and whom I have been told frequently are beautifully behaved. They do not, however, have to accept someone deciding, within a week of dating my husband, that she is their new mother, he will be the new father of her son, and they are stuck with this. Luckily, my ex broke the relationship off when he realized she was pushing for way too much, too soon (plus he has no interest in being a stepdad to anyone else's kids). My kids just declined to speak to her after awhile; their comments about finding her creepy were made privately to me. Of course any future interactions they have with his girlfriends will be colored by this. How could they not be? Now they will view anyone with suspicion after that fiasco. You will have to ask the OP what she meant when she said her BF walked out on the family while the wife was still trying. Those were her words, not mine. My agenda here is looking out for my kids and having their lives negatively impacted as little as possible. Which means anybody new gets zero say in a whole bunch of stuff, like where they go to school and whether they get cars, get to travel, etc. because that is all spelled out in the agreement. You may not like that, but that is the life my kids had pre-split, and it is the life they are leading post-split. I have always worked and pulled my own financial weight, so this is not some horrible unfair drain on my ex. What is unfair is that the kids had to go through any of this at all. Anyone new coming in needs to understand they are walking in to a bunch of history, and I will look out for my kids. If they are treated well and not put in some kind of crazy situation where they are being asked to make me out to be the bad guy, it will be fine. But if someone comes in and says my kids can't go to private school because hers don't, we'll be in court. It is in the agreement. There is an old expression, "Don't poke a sleeping bear." I suggest one really should not poke a sleeping Momma bear. I would lay down my life for those kids, whether you want to think of me as the psycho ex or not. |
Anonymous
They don't have to suck it up. Then we go to court and they tell the judge they don't want to live there anymore and I seek child support. Beginning at age 12, the ocurts listen to the kids. |
Anonymous
Well we see why you're divorced. Poor kids, you're the one brainwashing them, you seem to know all about your ex husband because you can't move on. The court would see what you've been doing so talk big, it seems to already have backfired on you. |
Anonymous
What's stopping them from making life miserable? Why do they have to suck it up? They can do whatever makes them feel better . |
Anonymous
For one they don't get to pick who their dad sees or marries. I'm pretty sure the dad already sees whose really behind their behavior. |
Anonymous
| No, you see nothing, PP, except what you want to believe. It's also clear you do not understand how any of this works very well. My ex and I have a 50/50 cooperative joint parenting relationship. We have vacationed with the kids together. We spend all major holidays together, as well as the kids' sporting events and school events. We even eat lunch together more weeks than not. You do not know anything about why we divorced. We have put the kids at the center of everything we have done. He screwed up once. I hope that's it. He's still in therapy and one of the things he is working on is how he let that situation get so out of hand. But if not, I know I have options - whatever options the kids want me to pursue. They are old enough now that the legal test takes into account their views. I have done nothing but support him and even helped them buy him very expensive birthday presents - whatever they wanted to get him. I always tell them how much we both love them and that Daddy and I love each other, we just can't be married to each other (which is true. He would agree that we both love each other.). There is nothing for the court to see except a mother trying her hardest to do right by her kids. My whole point in this is that it is easy for someone new to make out that I am the witchy ex, but the truth is far different. if OP is stepping into a situation anything like mine, where there are major, major financial commitments and baggage, she should be fully aware of them. I honestly don't see how it would work until the kids are gone away to college. And I said so. Her BF has 50/50 custody. The way the marriage ended is still fresh for that family and the kids are likely to view her with hostility and suspicion. That's just natural even when there hasn't been a history like my kids have had. But, by all means, make me out to be the bad one and tell her it will be all sunshine and roses if you like. |
Anonymous
You are projecting your situation the same way everyone else is. You understand that, right? Not everyone's ex will choose to date a person with incredibly inappropriate boundaries. I think that the reason people are taking you to task is that you sound like a bitter uncompromising person who is summarily rejecting the idea that any step-parent situation can work. You have made your feelings and what is and is not appropriate for your family very clear. You will not marry. You will not have anyone move in. Anyone who doesn't like that should vote with their feet before you show them the door. Anyone who disagrees with your assessment for the OP or for their own family is "making you out to be the bad one." You say you "don't see how it would work until the kids are gone away to college." Fine. For your situation, you don't see that. For my situation, it works fine. My ex and I are both remarried. We share custody 50/50, live a few blocks apart, are on good terms. I'm not BFFs with his wife, he's not BFFs with my husband, but we all get along well enough that when it's DD's birthday, we collaborate on planning and paying for it and we all attend. My ex's wife recently had a baby, and I am sympathetic to the degree to which their finances may be more constrained by a second child. Your attitude seems to be that no matter what, nothing is going to change for your children. I can see why you would be alarmed by the inappropriate boundaries woman, but by your own statement, that only happened once. Why is it still a motivating factor for a really uncompromising hard line - not just for your life but for your beliefs about anyone else's situation? |
Anonymous
She can do what she wants imo. Trying to run her ex'es home and who he should or should not date is way beyond inappropriate. I suspect he's allowed it and hopefully at some point he'll 86 her and move on in a healthy way. No they are not family anymore, only the kids with him. Whatever happened in their divorce she is not over it, and apparently it wasn't a good break up. If she were healthy she would tell her children to be nice and accept his new gf. If they aren't crazy about her, then keep it to themselves. I will bet the gf isn't crazy about his kids. |
Anonymous
Run as fast as you can. There will be resentment from kids, ex wife and your life will be HELL. |